windy city rainy season

When talking about autumn, Tao Yu always thinks of Beijing when he was a child, the sky was clear blue, the whistles of pigeons sounded, the streets were not so bustling, and people didn’t rush from morning till night.At that time, there was only one day off a week, and his parents would take him to Xiangshan to see the red leaves, and have a picnic in Cherry Valley in the Botanical Garden—he could even recall the taste of the white bread and Shuanghui fish sausage in the picnic.

Later, Beijing became more and more open, but the feeling of the past can no longer be found.The hot sauna day after the beginning of autumn makes people hide in the air-conditioned room, forgetting that the city used to be the most beautiful season.

Coming out of Anne's house, walking on the streets of foreign countries reminded Tao Yu of the autumn night in his hometown, dry and slightly cool, suitable for carrying Mazar downstairs to enjoy the cool, or drinking beer and chatting on the side of the road... It's a pity that seeing the two brothers walking in front, Tao Yu thought to himself that this beautiful night was for nothing.

Returning to the house they rented, Chang Ling slumped into the sofa in the living room without saying a word.Tao Yu took two ice packs, wrapped them in a towel and handed him one.The other party took it, raised his hand to turn off the floor lamp, and turned around to show him his back.

In the bedroom, Chang Zheng leaned against the bed as if he was asleep.Tao Yu turned off the light and the door and sat down beside the bed, took his right hand and stuck the ice pack on it.

"No swelling." Chang Zheng said in the dark.

"Apply it for a while, you go to sleep."

Chang Zheng lay down and took his other hand to cover his eyes.Neither of them spoke, Tao Yu slowly rubbed each other's forehead with his fingers.

After a while, Chang Zheng suddenly took away the ice pack, sat up and kissed him on the bridge of his nose, and whispered, "I'm sorry..."

An endless apology, but Tao Yu understood what he meant, for Chang Yao's insult, and for not being able to become a legally recognized family with him.The first thing he has warned his brother for himself, and the second thing is that no one can do anything about it. (See the author's comments.)

"Have you ever tried marijuana?" Tao Yu asked softly.

Chang Zheng nodded: "At that time, I was younger than Chang Ling now, and I smoked with my roommate. In fact, marijuana is not necessarily more harmful than smoking and alcohol, but the effect is very fast."

"Is there a reason? Boredom? Stress?"

Chang Zheng didn't answer immediately, Tao Yu felt the other person's body froze for a moment, and then he heard him say: "That roommate is my first love, a few years older than me, and he studies history. He is a devout believer, and marijuana is like It is his belief that he smokes a little every morning and evening, saying that it will allow him to communicate with God closer."

Tao Yu didn't expect Chang Zheng's first love to be such a person at all, it doesn't sound like a believer, but like a psycho.He was curious about how Chang Zheng fell in love with that person, and asked for a long time: "Is there any similarity between me and him? Except that we have both been your roommate..."

"No." Chang Zheng pulled him to lie flat on the bed together and said, "As a person grows up, the understanding and desire for love is also a gradual maturing process. At that time, I realized that I could not have the desire for love for the opposite sex. It subverted my long-standing concept and did not meet the expectations of my parents. There was a time when I was in pain, looking back now, rather than longing for a lover at that time, perhaps what I needed was a kind of spiritual sustenance."

So in love with a magic stick?Tao Yu didn't say it out loud, he was not qualified to comment on that ex whom he had never met, even if he was close at that time, he might not be able to evaluate the other party comprehensively and objectively, let alone he only heard a few words.

"So he told you to find faith and be free from pain?"

"No, on the contrary." Chang Zheng said calmly, "He was too obsessed with his faith, and later he suffered from depression. He said that God would not forgive him for being a homosexual. He wanted to end his life, but his faith did not allow him to commit suicide. In the end, he I chose a very tragic way of farewell..."

Chang Zheng stopped talking, and Tao Yu turned to look at him, realizing that it might be a wound in the other party's heart, and he never showed it to others.After a long silence, just when Tao Yu thought that tonight's conversation was over, Chang Zheng suddenly spoke about what happened later.

"...Some people in their department organized trips, and he also participated. During that time, he had been using drugs to control his emotions. I thought he was getting better, so I didn't think too much about it. His classmates couldn't find him when they were camping, and reported Called the police and the police found his body two days later in a non-camping area with most of his torso eaten, they said it was a bear. No one noticed when he got separated, and no one knew he had gone the wrong way Lu, or deliberately entered that area... He didn’t leave any words, no suicide note. Later, his sister took away everything that belonged to him, and the trace of a person just disappeared.”

The things Chang Zheng talked about have gone beyond Tao Yu’s rational range, and his lack of belief made him completely unable to understand the psychology of religious people. Except for the most superficial reflection of the cerebral cortex, “believer in religion and believe in a neuropathy”, he subconsciously knew that there must be something deeper. Something that drives a man so crazy.

"...For a long time afterwards, I couldn't accept any intimate relationship. I didn't see his body, but I always imagined it involuntarily. During that time, I even suspected that I was suffering from depression."

Tao Yu turned sideways and asked, "How did you get out?"

"My dad saw that I was not in the right mood." Chang Zheng said, "But he never deliberately asked me. He began to take me to participate in various public activities of the Chloe Foundation, and took me to meet those cooperative hospitals and doctors, and to help The foundation provides long-term donations to consortiums and individuals. During the summer vacation, I followed the operation team to visit institutions that housed children. While collecting information, I played games with those children and took them on outings in the mountains and cities. Later, I gradually thought about it. Faith may not necessarily support a person's life, but actions can."

Tao Yu repeated Chang Zheng's last sentence in his heart, thinking it was quite philosophical, but it sounded too profound, and it was difficult for people who have not experienced deep thinking about life to resonate.

"Actually, put it in the vernacular..." Tao Yu lay down again, and said to the ceiling in the darkness, "It's useless to think too much about fucking, just do it."

Chang Zheng was amused by his words, turned over and looked into his eyes and said, "I admire your attitude towards life the most, no big things will delay you to say a wisecrack, and then go on to find a way out. At the beginning, I was thinking, this is the person I am looking for, people who have faith or atonement, and who can not bow their heads when things happen, can we live together."

Tao Yu laughed dryly and said, "You really think highly of me, Doctor Chang. Actually, I didn't find a chance to bow my head. If you had said to me in such a grand manner, 'Follow me and have meat to eat', I would have knelt down and licked it." !"

Dr. Chang felt as if he had opened his chest and found that the patient was just suffering from beriberi and was assigned to the wrong department. He turned his back on him and said, "Sleep!"

Chang Yao didn't know whether he was intimidated by his brother or if he really changed his past. For the next month, he actually went to class during the day and went home to sleep at night. The rules were so good that Tao Yu couldn't believe it. Prepared for the battle, but the bear's disease is so cured?This does not seem to be in line with the objective development law of things, right?

Anyway, it's better not to cause trouble, Chang Zheng didn't have time to stare at his brother all day long, Tao Yu was also very busy.In mid-October, he followed old Andrew to Springfield, the capital of Illinois, to attend the meeting. The report went smoothly. It was the first time that he gave a report in non-native English in front of so many colleagues, most of whom were more senior than himself. , Nervousness is unavoidable, but at least it is still fluent. In the later stage of answering questions, old Andrew was on the side to make up the knife professionally, and there was no embarrassing situation where he couldn't understand the questions or couldn't answer them.

I stayed in Springfield for a few days, and it was Halloween at the end of October when I returned to Chicago.

Chang Zheng did not refute when he proposed to participate in the department's Halloween Party due to his recent performance.After all, my younger brother is an adult, so it is normal to participate in social activities, and Chang Zheng is not a feudal parent, not to mention he came here since then.But he still called the school to confirm that it was a masquerade event organized by the department, and it would end at nine o'clock. No alcoholic beverages would be served, and of course there would be no other contraband. Only then did Chang Zheng agree to his brother's participation with confidence.

At nine o'clock in the evening, Tao Yu drove to the entrance of the dance hall on time, waiting to pick Chang Yao home.Chang Zheng was supposed to pick up his younger brother according to the previous arrangement, but he couldn't leave because of something in the hospital, so Tao Yu was replaced.

Men and women came out of the hall one after another. Tao Yu waited for a long time but did not see Chang Ling's figure. He called his mobile phone, and it was directly transferred to voicemail as expected.Isn't it a relapse?Tao Yu locked the car and walked into the lobby, only to find that there was only the cleaning Mexican aunt and a few students packing up the prom supplies, and there was obviously no Chang Ling in there.

"Anyone knows Cane Chung? Heisa transfer student from Cornell University of New York." Tao Yu walked over and asked those students, Cane is Chang Ling's English name. (Translation: Does anyone know CaneChung? He is an exchange student from Cornell University in New York.)

Several students looked at each other, and a boy said to Tao Yu: "I know Cane. He and two other guys left about an hourago." (Translation: I know him, he and two other boys left about an hour ago.

"Do you know where they might beheaded?"

The boy shook his head and looked at another student, who answered reluctantly, "Lakeshore, of course, where else could they go? I heard one guy said there was no of course because we had no alcohol in the party." Complain that this prom is no fun, no booze.)

Chicago is close to Lake Michigan, and the University of Chicago is very close to the lake, but because it is in a black area, the nearby lake is not very peaceful, and few people usually go there.Tao Yu guessed that probably because there were few people in and out, those troubled students liked to gather there to do things they shouldn't do.

He returned to the car and called Chang Zheng, but no one answered, maybe he was still in the operating room.Chang Ling's mobile phone has been in a state of no one answering.Tao Yu hesitated whether to go to that boy, thinking that if this was his younger brother, let him die!Of course, this was just angry words, he sighed, and started the car to look for Chang Ling along the lakeside road.

Finally, near Sixties Street, Tao Yu saw a car parked on the side of the road, and there was no one in the car.The law and order here is notorious, he hesitated for half a minute before deciding to see if anyone was on the beach.

Passing through the roadside isolation belt, Tao Yu stood on the stone steps and looked around, but there were no street lights here, and the reefs in the distance were dimly shadowed in the darkness, with a somewhat eerie feeling.

Tao Yu turned his head and looked at the side of the road. Occasionally there were vehicles passing by, but it was not considered deserted.He walked forward for a while, but he still didn't see anyone. Just when he gave up and was about to go back, he felt someone approaching behind him. The sound of footsteps was hidden by the sand, and a cold and hard thing pressed against his back.

"Money or life?"