I heard that you are the number one assassin in Tiandu

For a period of time, I also seriously determined that I would be able to recover my life, save lives and heal the wounded in the future. I gritted my teeth and fought three hundred rounds of assessments.The big man tried his best to flirt with the teacher, and finally managed to keep the two of us in the same department...even though he was just working as a horse in the ward, without any means.

The policy stipulates that newly graduated resident physicians shall implement a 12-hour hospitalization system for at least three years, saying that it is to improve the humanistic quality and professional quality of doctors.At that time, the big guy and I moved bricks from morning to night every day, we had to do all kinds of work, and we had to talk with patients and their families from morning to night. When we were busy, we only had one minute to eat.I alone have eaten a whole braised egg in one bite, and a whole bowl of instant noodles with one chopstick, let alone a big guy whose appetite is several times that of mine.It's common for everyone to work two 1-hour shifts. I don't know what Saturday and Sunday are. I don't have time to check whether the labor law stipulates overtime pay. I go home and fall on the bed. He pressed my hand or I pressed He didn't even have the strength to move his feet - which often made me feel that we were not colleagues, but just two dogs who happened to live under the same overpass.

It is true that a fledgling should suffer a little bit, but the physical fatigue can still be barely dealt with with extra meals and taking time to catch up on sleep, but the psychological burden is difficult to alleviate with corresponding methods-the profession of a doctor, even for medical students, is still very difficult. Only a small number of people can engage in it. It not only requires a professional level above a certain standard, but also has a soft and hard heart.In other words, if you fail to achieve your ideals once, you can still go to World War II and World War Three, but people's psychological endurance varies widely. Not everyone can deal with every life and death calmly like facing a textbook.

Some people's faces were distorted due to illness, some people lost their minds because of unfunded expenses, some people grabbed my hand and said "doctor, save me", some people were "automatically discharged" because there was no cure... You know, this is not a machine Stop working, but a living person, or an old man, or a yellow-mouthed child, or a parent, or a young teenager. They have concerns about life, children and grandchildren, unfulfilled dreams, and visions for the future.At this time, heartless people may not be able to stop their tears. I don't know how long I will worry about it once I have an experience like mine, and my heart is heavy again and again.

Once, twice, three or four times, in such an environment for a long time, news of a young colleague suffering from depression spreads from time to time in the circle of friends, like adding fuel to the fire, making my daily work steps more and more heavy, Not even in the mood to tidy up my hair.When I saw the students along the road at work, I really wanted to go back and reshape, grow up again from kindergarten, and live a carefree life.

When I first came up with the idea of ​​changing careers, I didn’t have a clear new goal, and I was nearly 20 years old. I thought about starting a new career, but I felt that I was too old for a society where young people in their early [-]s caught a lot of people. I couldn't beat the urban management at the street stalls, and I didn't have enough good grades to support me in the teaching job, so I hesitated and hesitated.When I rejoined the hospital, I signed an agreement with the hospital and paid a considerable amount of deposit, which was about the sum of my two-year salary. If I resign early, the deposit will be withheld as training funds and will not be refunded, which can be described as a heavy loss. .

On the other hand, I couldn't explain it to my mom.

She watched me go to college for seven or eight years, and everyone in the village where the big man lived knew about the fact that "my son works in the hospital".Even if I voluntarily resigned, others would inevitably speculate: Why did I get hired together with the big guy? I quit, but the big guy is still working?In the eyes of others, it may be more like natural selection - I used to have poor grades, but now I am simply eliminated by the hospital and fired.

It's okay for me to be talked about, but what about my mother?

And one more reason: what do I say to the big guy?

We have worked hard together for the same goal for so many years. We have suffered together, we have cried and laughed, we have been hurt and frightened. I said I wanted to stay in the hospital, and now I don’t want to do it. Even I feel that I am very annoying.

My atrium enters and exits twice, and it does not have more twists and turns than others, so some worries are quickly brought to my face by blood circulation.The big man has gained a little attention since he worked in the hospital, and his voice has returned to the evasive and cautious way before, no matter what he says, he will not let the third person hear him.Seeing me sighing, he whispered in my ear, "What's wrong with you?"

"I want to take a vacation." I expressed euphemistically, "The kind that doesn't need to be on standby, go out for a walk, and don't need to book a return date in advance."

The big man thought for a while: "You want to rebel."

Me: "... on the premise of not disobeying the arrangement of the superior."

The big man's eyes lit up, and he was overjoyed: "You don't want to do it anymore? Don't you want to do it anymore?"

The enthusiasm with which he urged me to resign was beyond my expectation. It was comparable to the sincerity with which I persuaded people to uninstall the client when I met my Tiankeng teammates while playing games. Since I started, I can no longer stop the car.When he came home at night, the big guy simply risked his life to accompany the gentleman, and even printed out his own resignation report in duplicate.If I hadn't tried my best to stop him, he would have almost called the leader to say hello in advance.

"Wait!" I opened my arms to block him, "I haven't told my mom yet! You haven't said hello to your dad either!"

"My dad doesn't care," the big guy unlocked the phone and handed it to me, "Then what are you waiting for? Tell auntie!"

However... my mother waited for so many years for the dream bubble of my medical practice to take shape, and now I finally just blew out a round shape, which floated three feet from the ground, and it was too much cruel.I didn't know how to speak, and I backed off before dialing the phone.

A few days later, I had a routine call with my mother to report on my life and work, and by the way, I asked for a leave of absence—the week’s pre-scheduling was slightly disrupted by an unexpected situation, which caused my original half-day leave to be divided into two nights bye night shift.I don't know what the situation will be, maybe I won't have time to go back to see her this week.

It's not uncommon, and I have plenty of doctors who are superior to me who are busier than I am, but my mother's reaction today was particularly sentimental.She sighed again and again, and asked me: "Son, do you want to rescue the patients in your ward?"

Me: "There are not too many emergency first aids. If the situation is not good, they will usually be transferred to the intensive care unit or operating room in advance. What's wrong?"

My mother: "I saw a news broadcast on TV two days ago. An eighteen or nine-year-old girl studying nursing was kneeling on the street to give artificial respiration to a fainted old man, sucking phlegm mouth to mouth."

"...Oh." I asked, "Have you been rescued?"

"I've been rescued," my mother sighed again, "but think about it, if this is my daughter, I will feel very distressed after seeing it."

Listening to her voice, it seemed that thinking of that scene really hurt my heart.

As a parent, I have been worrying about my children for more than 20 or [-] years. Seeing that the girl is slim, she failed to dress up beautifully and embrace the most beautiful scenery in the world. Instead, she was separated from various diseases by kneeling on the dirty road like other passers-by. It is human nature to feel distressed for something you don't know how to do.Although my gender is different and my age is a few years older, in my mother's eyes, I will always be a child who needs her care. She must have immediately thought of me when she saw that picture, and she may not know how to secretly guess these days What did I do in the hospital?

It is often said in the society that a family with divorced parents is "incomplete". The love for me has never been absent from any stage of my growth, whether it is now or in the past, even in the years when I was rebellious and unruly, she often used her hands of deep love and responsibility to pull me out of the Internet cafe. Proposed.

All in all, God has never treated me lightly!

I reassured her and said, "Mom, I'm fine. I don't need cardiopulmonary resuscitation over there. Those who can be transferred to the general ward are generally in a relatively stable condition. Besides, where does the ward need artificial respiration? There are really patients who cannot breathe on their own. Haven’t been on a ventilator long ago? Apart from exercising against a model for skill assessment, I haven’t practiced against a real person yet.”

My mother was a little more down-to-earth: "It's better if I didn't do that."

"Hey, I haven't done anything." I have a layer of superior doctors above me, and all of them are directly responsible. Even if it is urgent to go to battle, it is not my turn to do it.I enlightened her: "It's okay to talk about artificial respiration. At most, I can wash my face and rinse my mouth. What if the person is saved? That's terrible, it's a living person, such a comparison , brushing your teeth is nothing, right?"

My mother didn't answer, which means she didn't quite agree with my point of view, and she didn't speak speculatively.

"There was a case on TV," she recalled. "More than 400 people surrounded the hospital and set fire to wreaths in the lobby. The police didn't dare to intervene. It was so scary. Lao Min said that the hospital was too dangerous. Raising a son can’t be surrounded and beaten, I think he doesn’t want Min Qiu to do it over there—son, if they don’t do it, you shouldn’t continue to do it, huh?”

I:"……"

Having said that, we understand that the big guy and his uncle are probably starting to make insinuations.

And whether I am safe or not is still the key to my mother's lonely life and even moving the whole family.

My throat was sore, and I couldn't answer with words in front of the mountains of maternal love that stretched thousands of miles and spanned thirty years.

"Don't be reluctant," my mother said, "if you wait for an unreasonable person in your hospital to block the door, it will be too late? What kind of work can't get the salary of your hospital, boy, go back and see The money given by the warehouse is more than that of the hospital! How old are you? Don’t talk about being a small boss, you are still an intern—three years of intern work, people will think you two are stupid if you talk about it !"

I:"……"

"Treatment" is a bend and hurdle that I can't get around, a hurdle that I can't get over, and it's a wing that all junior doctors lack. Because of it, countless people can't fly high or fly away in the cracks. There are too many aspects, I never want to tell my mother too much to disturb her, and I am just one of the most ordinary ones, what can I do?

She is still saying: "Old Min's family has a piece of land in the mountains. I heard that he wants to ask someone to go up the mountain to watch, but all the young people in his family have gone out, and he is worried that he can't find a suitable one—what does his family raise?" You know, if you don’t know him, he’s definitely worried about sending someone to go, you, just…”

I:"……"

From what I know about the big guy, if he wants to cross the river, there is a boat by the river; if he wants to go to the sky, the plane will have empty seats; Uncle is looking for someone to go up to the mountain to watch the garden", it is very likely that it came into being to help my mother accept my resignation.

It’s okay for relatives and neighbors to hire each other, such as hiring someone to harvest cotton during the busy season, or working in someone’s factory during the off-season, and so on in the countryside. After all, whoever works is to help someone make money. Helping others is not as good as helping relationships. Good acquaintance.But... the point is, the big guy and I have a special relationship here, and his father knows about the two of us.Uncle has always been kind to our mother and son. How much salary will he pay me when I go to see the garden?I'm afraid it's far higher than the number corresponding to the job responsibilities, how can I take it with peace of mind.

Income is the foundation of a foothold, am I so useless?Do I have to rely on my relationship with him even for this most basic step to get a salary that doesn't match the value of my labor?To get his dad's money?

Over the years, the big man has hinted to me openly and secretly, telling me not to worry about material things and relying on him with confidence.But I am also a man, and I know that life without worrying about food and clothing is comfortable, but I hope that there is a world that I support for him and my mother, instead of clinging to him like a boneless vine.If I still have the so-called "pride" in front of reality, it is as described in a poem: I must be a kapok next to you, standing with you as the image of a tree-roots, tight Hold in the ground; leaf, touching in the cloud.every gust of wind...

"I know you don't like working in the hospital. The worse I was in the past, the more I didn't want to be looked down upon by others, working overtime to make money, forcing you to study a major you didn't want to study. Now think about it, don't care what others do What are you looking for? I can live healthy and healthy, so it’s good to see you live happily?” My mother said, “I asked Lao Min, they have lived in the mountains for many years, and there are no wolves or tigers. , it’s not dangerous, but it’s definitely not okay to go alone. I’m not at ease if you say you’re going by yourself, but if their Min Qiu doesn’t work in the hospital, wouldn’t you two just happen to be companions together?”

Once upon a time, there was a mountain, and there was a house on the mountain, and there was a big man in the house—this scene moved my heart like a cartoon.

My mother: "The two of you live together when you go to school, you live together when you go to work, you always like to get together when you have a meal or a walk, and you don't get tired of it for many years... Last time I went to someone else's house to play, a big sister heard about you Stay in the hospital and ask me if I want to introduce you to someone..."

"Ouch!" I wanted to scratch my ears when I heard it, "Mom, how can I..."

"I thought about it." My mother is probably already familiar with my prevarication and didn't give me any time to play. "If you really go out to find a girlfriend, someday you will come back and change to a girl next to you." Sit down, I may not be used to it, so I said don't introduce, you have a date..."

It took nearly a month to complete the handover of patients and the formalities of resignation.

During the days of waiting for the reply, the big man was in a state of extreme excitement every day, which made me feel in a trance that "getting out of the system is the ultimate goal of his work".It was a sunny April day, and he dragged me here and there as if he had just been released from prison, bid farewell to the delicacies of Shencheng that left an impression on him, and walked through every street and alley tirelessly, as if again I didn't intend to come back, which directly caused us to bring a car full of things in addition to the original luggage when we went home.

Compared with the weight of other boys' luggage I met when I graduated, I think the two of us are too "obvious".

However, my worry was obviously unnecessary, because no one noticed how many odds and ends we brought—as soon as we entered the courtyard, we saw the idlers, old and young, of the village gathered at low tables half a meter high, pushing glasses and changing dishes. , The originally spacious courtyard of more than [-] square meters was filled with more than ten tables and mats.At the banquet, there are all the "big dishes" that have been popular at banquets for a long time, such as wishful eight treasures, gold silk and silver rolls, whole chicken and duck, carp elbow and so on.

It is said that we are welcoming our two sons back to our hometown, but in my eyes, who are carrying big bags and wearing new clothes and shoes, it seems that my mother and uncle are doing something special and festive for me and the older one.

When we left the hospital, colleagues who were not on duty in the department saw us off at a nearby restaurant. The senior patted my shoulder and said hello. The feeling of "I can't do medicine, so the whole world celebrates" is hard to describe in words.

I am always a little uneasy when I am at home. As the saying goes, "It is difficult to change from luxury to frugality". The difference is quite large.In the past, when I came back to visit relatives, I didn’t really feel it. Now I really want to take root here. I don’t know how to draw a blueprint for the future if I put a pen in my hand. Is he a farmer who has nothing to do with his studies in the past twenty years or so?

People have to do something when they are uneasy. After my repeated urging and four requests, the big guy finally took me up the mountain together.The task of the two of us is to look at the garden and help uncle deliver the goods by the way.

Contrary to what I imagined, the so-called "nursing" work is nothing more than living near the park on the mountain, checking from time to time whether everything in the park is operating normally - as the big man said, the facilities in his house are very advanced, except for uncle Occasionally take a look, I have never seen anyone come up to this place, but what is amazing is that there are almost no valves, pipelines, water and electricity, and feeding facilities exposed in the garden surrounding the entire hill, but it can be seen. The medicinal herbs are so juicy and pleasant, and the medicinal insects are fed fat and plump.

This is still in the category of "automatic", can it only be called invisible artificial intelligence?

I asked curiously once, but the big guy is used to not sticking to the spring water, so he couldn't explain the operation principle of the automatic adjustment. It seems that if I ask him again, he will jump off the stairs. For now, let's just assume that this is an extremely high-end and expensive system.

As for delivery, there is probably no delivery guy with a higher specification than me.In my car, there are spirit ginseng dried by my uncle himself. The price is usually about one million yuan. After my uncle negotiates the price with the customer, the big man and I will deliver it to the customer's home. This is the only "business" for the two of us.Due to the high price, there are many people who need it but few people who want it, so I only need to go out to deliver it once a week or so.

From this point of view, the big man can be called my "young boss". How can I bother him to go to the scene in person after a short distance?For today's trip, I just follow the address and send it there.

I went down the winding mountain path.On the top of the mountain, there is only one family like me and the big guy living. I don’t know whether this road was built by the township plan or the big guy’s family. In general, the road is not too wide.I drove very slowly, with the car windows open all the way - there is often a wonderful mist around this mountain. Although the altitude is high, there are no severe storms and snowstorms most of the year, but the air is very fresh and pleasant. After living here for a period of time, the pharyngitis and conjunctivitis that I used to suffer from time to time healed without medicine.

Every one or two days, I couldn't help but wander around the park, taking a few breaths of the air that looked like "Xian Qi", and even jokingly suggested: "Why don't we move a bed to sleep here?"

Of course the big one didn't allow it, he shook the twig in his hand bitterly: "What should I do when you come?"

I replied naturally, "You come too."

The big one hummed: "We are sleeping together, can you show them?"

"What?" I didn't understand, "Who's watching?"

The big man was silent, with an expression of "you are not ashamed, I ignore you".

At that time, I looked up and looked around in a daze for a long time, but I couldn't find a common style of camera. Maybe it was some kind of "cloud monitoring" integrated with the equipment?It seems that this place is not only not deep in the mountains and old forests, but also very foreign!

The phone rang, saying that Cao Cao Cao Cao had arrived.

The big man complained vaguely: "Hua Xiaojin, why did you leave without calling me? Didn't you agree that we would go together!"

I heard his voice probably just woke up, I teased him: "Why didn't I yell? I called you next to my ear and shook you again, but I couldn't wake you up."

The big man had doubts about the depth of his sleep: "Really?"

I said seriously, "That's right."

"Oh." The big man was very regretful, "I still want to eat a crayfish, hairy crab, durian crisp, hot pot, barbecue ice cream on the way back after delivering the things."

"..." I don't know which way this "drop in" should take to eat all of these in one go, "Slow down, no, just type it and send it, and I'll buy it back for you."

Not long after, the big guy actually sent me a list, with links to several nearby stores, and at the end he told me: "Safety first, don't buy when you come back in traffic jams or crowds, I will I don’t have to eat it, the food you cook is delicious! I really don’t have to eat it!”

I can't help but smile when I think of the big man's bulky head and disproportionate salivating expression.

After walking for a while, the phone rang again.

This section of the mountain road is steep. For safety reasons, I put the car on the handbrake and stopped, and connected the phone: "Mom, what's the matter?"

The mountaintop park is very humid and the mountain road is not very flat. It must be inconvenient for my mother to live here, so I didn’t come up together. But fortunately, it’s not too far from her residence. It takes more than an hour to get there, which is just enough for me To repay the few gatherings and more separations over the years, I go back to see her at least once a week.In the past when I was working, she was afraid of affecting my rest, so she didn't take the initiative to contact me. Recently, seeing that I have nothing to do, she started calling every day.

But my mother’s voice today is not as cheerful and festive as it used to be when she was talking to me on the phone. She sounded a little hurried and flustered, speaking in the dialect of her hometown: "Son, where are you? Is Min Qiu next to you?" ?”

"He's not here, I'm out to do something." I wondered, "What's the matter? I've already pulled over, please speak slowly."

"Oh." My mother breathed a sigh of relief, "There is something that I feel awkward no matter how I think about it, let me tell you."

Me: "Yeah, tell me."

My mother: "Yesterday, Lao Min said that some relatives I hadn't seen were coming to his house, and told me to go upstairs and avoid them for a while, and they would leave after sitting for a while."

me?"

There are about [-] people living in the yard of the big man's house plus the small courtyards on the left and right. I thought his whole family was here because they didn't go out to work. I haven't heard of any distant relatives?

However, based on my understanding of the big man’s family, they are very hospitable. When they welcomed me and my mother to move in, they roasted whole sheep, pheasants and roe deer in the kitchen of the big courtyard, and the big man always disliked them. It’s not rich enough and not foreign enough; on weekdays, if the old men and women in the village go to their house to play cards, they simply stay for dinner when it’s time for dinner, and the uncles will greet them with smiles, and they don’t care about the relationship at all, so it’s definitely not for no reason Treat any relative with a cold face.

The relative who can make my uncle feel that it is good for my mother to disappear, or leave without saying a few words, without staying for a meal, I can probably imagine what kind of scene that is.

If there are a few relatives with bad character and personality coming to the door, I am afraid that no one wants to let others contact them, right?I am deeply touched by this point.

I patiently analyzed with my mother: "Don't you know what kind of person uncle is? He doesn't want you to see him. There must be a reason. Don't ask more about his family. Think about it when someone else came When we were at home, would you like to meet my grandma and the others? You don’t want to see it, right? Uncle said you should avoid it, so it’s fine if you go upstairs and stay for a while, anyway, you don’t know each other. It’s okay for you to go back to your room to watch TV, take a rest or something.”

"Hey, I went upstairs. How can I be suspicious? But isn't there a window in my house that faces the front gate? I heard the sound of many cars outside, so I opened the curtain and looked out the window I glanced and saw a hunched man getting off a jeep. I was also curious, so I looked for a while, and the old man looked up and was looking at the window of my room! I quickly put down the curtain. " My mother lowered her voice, "I thought it was nothing at the time. I was sleeping at night, and I dreamed of that scene again. Why do I feel that the old man seems to have three legs?"

"Three..." I almost suffocated myself, "Mom! Did you read it wrong? The old man is old and hunched over. He must not be as agile as the young man."

"Listen to me! He got out of the car with crutches and one foot first, and then another foot followed." My mother's tone seemed to be telling a story to a child vividly, "He was wearing a black dress. When I got out of the car, the car door was not closed immediately, and there was still a part of it dragging on the car seat. I saw it and thought it was the hem of the clothes. Convenience clothes? It looks like I dragged something behind me in the car!"

I rubbed my temples: "You think too much. Even if someone has three legs due to congenital deformity, there is a high probability that the extra leg will not have motor function. It is useless and looks strange. It shouldn't be a big deal. Surgery, it has not been corrected long ago? People can drive a lot of cars, so they are very rich, you think, who would keep it for old age?”

My mother insisted: "The more I think about it now, the more I feel like it, really. If it's not legs, what else could it be?"

"..." I: "What else could it be? Could it be that it has a big tail?"

My mother: "Hey! I didn't dare to say it just now, for fear of scaring you. I really feel like a tail."

I:"……"

Blind denial and criticism will only make people more and more suspicious. People of my mother's age are generally a little suspicious. I was worried that she would not be able to figure it out and rest well, and finally make herself nervous, so I asked: "Then does he look good?"

"I see, walking slowly." My mother recalled very seriously, "It's not very good, I'm getting old."

"That's right!" I explained, "I think it might be something wrong with his stomach or something, or he might have undergone some kind of operation and hung a drainage bag outside his body. Do you know about the drainage bag? Or It’s excretion, or it’s fluid discharge. There are various reasons. Some people hang bags, but their motor functions are not affected. Other places are still fine, so they want to come out and walk around. Ah, but I want to save face, I don’t want to be laughed at, and I don’t want others to know about it, so I hang a bag on my back, or wear something different to cover it up.”

Perhaps it is because my grades and professional level have not been convincing in the eyes of everyone, or maybe my mother has become more assertive over the years. In short, I think this makes sense. Persuaded, but my mother is still skeptical: "Is that so?"

Me: "Yes, yes." Otherwise, I can't explain more.

Even though I know that my mother is a very strict-mouthed person, she only works hard, doesn't like to talk, and will never gossip with people casually, let alone speak out, but I couldn't help but exhort: "Mom, you But don’t talk about it with your uncle, if you guess other people’s family members like this, they won’t be happy after hearing it.”

"No, no." My mother repeatedly assured, "Why would I go to people and say this? It's just that I haven't seen outsiders here for a long time. When I come here, I just take a second look. I haven't seen you. Are you free? How are you doing these few days? Are you used to waiting?"

Me: "..." In the end, I became the culprit.

Of course, being a child must have the consciousness of taking the blame, otherwise how can I be worthy of the choices my mother made for me?

"Yes, it's all on me." I said, "Mom, don't worry, I'm fine."

This is true, but not entirely true.I am indeed a very good person, healthier than ever, but I am always a little confused. On the one hand, I am hesitant about what to do in the future. Will you be so keen on seclusion?

From the long list he made, it can be seen that he has been studying food maps for a long time, and he obviously likes the prosperity of the world.

I don't quite get it, it's not like the man I knew.