[Quick Transmigration] Xiao Shou is always dying

[5/12

I don't believe in love. I was born to prove that love is just a joke; if my "relatives" can give me some warmth and comfort, I think I will probably believe in family affection. I don't believe in any kind of affection in this world. The status can be more important than myself in the balance of my heart, and if I don't rely on myself, everything I have gained will eventually disappear in smoke.

How fragile is the relationship between people?I could never pin my fate on something less reliable than a biscuit.I reject all feelings, but I have known since I was a child that honesty will be disgusting, and I have to treat it with an appropriate attitude, so I converge my feelings into the deepest part of my body, and respond to everyone by observing words and expressions, no need Everyone is friendly to me, but at least not hostile, but never too close.

It makes me feel very safe.

In fact, it is just that the snail refuses to step out of its shell after stretching out its tentacles to test the world but being severely injured.It would be great if the zombies never appeared and the end of the world never came.

In fact, I should have understood a long time ago that I am not unable to deliver trust, but that I am afraid, afraid of being betrayed after delivering trust. Just imagining it makes me feel physically disgusted, and I want to spit it out in fear.I've had enough of the feeling of being pushed into an abyss after trusting someone, and all the light is gradually being pulled from my eyes, watching helplessly.I watched in horror as the darkness engulfed me and swallowed me up.

No one would do anything for someone like me.I don't want to hold such absurd illusions, and experience the extreme despair of loss at the end of death.

Rather than that, I'd rather.Prefer to do it yourself and keep yourself safe.Although such thinking is too cold and heartless, I don't think there is anything wrong with it.

If not actually happening.

Why should it happen?It must be that God is punishing a heartless person like me.

If someone really loves me, spares his life for me, and calmly accepts the death I personally designed; My lies, even if they sound true.The real longing has always been hidden in the deepest part of my heart, no matter how I ignore or forget it, are these things my dream?

People who love me, spoil me, love me and believe in me, will I jump for joy if they really appear?I can't guess, but I can't deny my heartbeat, it's so yearning, so longing that I want to cry.

Such a fact, how beautiful it was to me before, how painful it is now, the pain of wanting to die immediately, I can have all of this instinctively, everything I imagined Heaven should look like, lovers, relatives, Friends can be ordinary, but the true feelings in them are of great significance to me. It makes me feel that I should be a person, not a body.

Everything is ruined by me.

If I have not experienced such feelings, nothing is enough to torture me.But I feel it, and then I have to face such a reality-what does it feel like to kill someone who really loves me?What would it feel like to kill the only person in the world who was genuinely true to himself?

I'm alive, but I'm living in hell.My hands are filled with the blood of the person who treated me the best. My sins have made me unrecognizable. I am ashamed to see people. The scars from my stabs, I can't even call myself a human being, no one would do such a cruel and stupid thing.

How I wish this was all fake.But I know that everything is true, everything has happened before, if I don't remember these things, I'm afraid it will happen again, I'm too terrified to become such a murderer that I can't bear to look at.

Perhaps in the last days, the shadow of murder will not hang over people for a long time. After all, there are many times when it's either you die or I die, and there is no sorrow and self-blame for those who want to take your life.Killing a bad person, or a stranger, will not make me suffer. The end of the world will infinitely magnify my indifference and become a calm bad person. However, even if it is a bad person...killing someone who confirms that he loves you...no, more than that One, I'm afraid it's not a good feeling... This feeling is driving me crazy.

A bad person can't be completely bad, how sad can I be?

The look in Zhong Limo's eyes before his death already made me feel uncomfortable, but I still avoided sophistry in my heart, convincing myself that it wasn't what I thought, it wasn't that bad... Zhong Limo will still be like this in this life.Such a despicable me is not worthy of his liking at all. The ridiculous thing is that every time I think about Zhonglimei’s confession, I still think about what kind of peaceful life I will have if I accept it, and then I smile—how shameless , murderer, I am just a murderer, such delusion is basically tarnishing Zhongli Mo's pure feelings.

I don't deserve a happy life.

But what a hypocrisy, the reason for rejecting Zhongli Mo is the rejection from a high position, not daring to tell the truth, not daring to face the truth, and also afraid to break all the superficial peace and stability, in that case I can only leave, To put it bluntly, Zhong Zizhen will never tolerate me again.

I know.Before Zhong Zizhen died, I knew the pain of being betrayed, the angry eyes, and the burning hatred.I am afraid of being betrayed, so why do I impose my worst fears on important people?I understand that Zhong Zizhen's hatred for me is justified and reasonable.

So escaped.What I have always done is like when I was afraid to face Zhong Zizhen after Zhong Limo died, afraid that Zhong Zizhen would know the truth, now I am running away again, Zhong Zizhen did not shoot me to death when we met, it is already a good self-restraint , He has high morality and has done his best to me. He is just a little defensive towards me. This is normal. I am not a good person, which is very good.He really loves Zhongli Mo.Originally, I could also have it, but I personally killed them and turned him into an enemy.

I am grateful for his tolerance, and I am also in great pain for his tolerance. I wish I could die immediately, so that Zhong Zizhen can eliminate the hatred in my heart and let myself be free.

However, I have been wrong once.I can no longer be so selfish.

How much sacrifice I have enjoyed, fighting side by side again and again, sharing food and water again and again, resting back to back again and again, time after time... Even the three of them spared their lives, of course I took their lives away in the end, I can't be so capricious.

Even a little bit is fine, what can I do for them?Even if he could never be forgiven, Zhong Zizhen would never show me the same smile as before, and would never rub my hair with his big hands again and whisper... It is easy to die and come back to life, but it is difficult to reunite after a broken mirror.I can't go back to the past, I understand.

But, still so cowardly.

At the thought of confessing everything in front of Zhong Zizhen, I was terrified... I couldn't think of anything but to cry.It would be nice to be able to hide this matter forever...

Hehe, my evasions are really varied and never stop.Up to now, I still think that I don't have to show my ugliest side. It's really despicable, very despicable.So despicable to the point where I want to spit it out, I'm sick of myself.

But, I'm really sorry, I... I love them too, it has nothing to do with other things, don't these three people deserve my true love?If I want to show my ugly and disgusting original appearance like a caterpillar in front of them, let them know how bad I am, what kind of things I have done, I have to bear it... I will die of sadness.

Although, I don't even have the qualifications to be sad.

sorry Sorry.sorry.sorry.sorry.

I'm like this again, always trying to avoid a thing I'm afraid of.But let me avoid this last time, I have never been able to understand, I can't understand the last eyes of Zhong Limo, now I think I understand a little bit, if Zhong Zizhen said that I died, he would be happier, I would die without hesitation Bar.

Something that didn't happen isn't an error.I don’t know this excuse, can Zhong Zizhen let me save the last bit of false beauty with Zhongli Mei and Du Yiming, forgive me for the last hypocrisy and disgust, I know I will.Zhong Zizhen attaches great importance to Zhongli Mo, and Zhong Limo has not seen my true face until now. Naturally, I am 100% beautified in his heart. In order to take care of Zhong Limo's emotions, I am afraid he will cooperate with me.

mean.Shameless.

real】

Zhong Zizhen lay on the desk, rubbing the corner of the notebook again. This is Josh’s last diary. It is not so much a diary as a summary before making up his mind. It is like recalling his daily training before a game to cheer him up. , or force myself to do something, as Josh himself said, he always likes to escape, so he borrowed this text to force himself to face reality.

The last two words were written in a hurry, and an out-of-control line was drawn.It can be seen that he has not finished writing, but... Zhong Zizhen remembered that on the last night before the mission, when he pushed in the door and informed Josh of his decision to go with him, Josh was sitting on the bed, looking up with a very sad expression. It was pale, and the mood was very wrong... His heart was sad, but at that time he was full of opinions on Josh, so naturally he didn't care at all, and Josh quickly adjusted himself.

It was also in this episode that Zhong Zizhen guessed where Josh's diary was.It is abnormal to write on the bed instead of writing on the desk.When he saw this diary for the first time, Zhong Zizhen wondered if it was at this time that Josh wrote the last letter to him. ending?

unknown.

All the self-blame is here, and all the reluctance is here, so that every time Zhong Zizhen looks at it, his heart hurts.Through paper and words, he can feel Josh's pain, which can easily make people cry. If he could find out earlier, would everything be different?

Josh’s diary is not written every day. In many cases, there is only one date. After this article, even the date is gone. Did the ending he thought of make him feel that he lost the mood to keep a diary?When Zhong Zizhen saw this diary for the first time, he was shocked to the point of being shocked. He couldn't imagine how Josh was burdened with everything and behaved as usual; and Josh, who was burdened with these, How painful it must be.

Looking for someone who loves me.But after killing him with his own hands, he discovered this fact.This is hopeless enough.What makes people even less hopeful is that now that this person is resurrected, he already regards you as an enemy and hates you.

Zhong Zizhen closed his eyes, feeling all the movement in the space, but the space was as usual, depressed?It can't be said that no one would still...accept it calmly after tens of thousands of times, and let the deep disappointment gradually fade away, but the brewing in the heart became wider and longer.

I no longer hope for miracles, but have to accept the reality.

"Chief."

There was a knock on the door, and Zhong Zizhen closed the notebook at once, put it in a cabinet on the alloy table with the password fingerprint lock, turned the chair and turned around, clasped his hands and propped his chin, and returned to his usual calm and serious look, cleared his throat and said, "Come in."

The person at the door entered the room with a straight posture, "The people from the city b base have arrived, and they are now in the safe zone 1 in front of the base."

Zhong Zizhen nodded, and stood up with the support of the table. The moment he lowered his head, a cold light appeared in his eyes. City B is very good. I believe Yiming will also be very interested.