Pastel Colors

Day0301:55

After coaxing Bubu to sleep that night, Songran spent half an hour in the bathroom alone, tearing up a large roll of toilet paper, and the floor was covered with wet balls of rotten paper.

He couldn't figure it out, he was on the phone, chatting about fresh meat wontons and brown sugar ginger soup, how could he get out of his nerves and attack Mr. He with such impolite words.Mr. He is a true gentleman, well educated, even if he is seriously offended, he will always grasp the scale of his words, but what about him?

After all, he couldn't hide his humble background.

No tutoring, no self-cultivation, no matter how polite he usually pretends to be in front of others.

In fact, a similar situation happened more than ten years ago. It was more exaggerated and the consequences were more serious.If it wasn't for that inexplicable loss of control, maybe today, Song Ran would be living a completely different life.

Songran was only nine years old that year, and lived in a children's welfare home called "Hope House" in T City.Most of the children in the orphanage have physical defects, either disabled or sick, and Songran is one of the few who are healthy.He looks cute and sensible, like a red apple placed in the window, smooth and shiny, comparable to decorations made of plastic molds.

When Songran first entered the orphanage, the teachers told him that you must be able to leave soon, because parents would line up to take home a good child like you.

So Songran waited wholeheartedly for that home, for the pair of parents who loved him.

But perhaps the fate has not arrived yet, Songran has lived in the orphanage for many years, missed the opportunity to be adopted again and again, and still has not waited for his parents to belong to him.Full of hope, he didn't know that the teachers in the orphanage gave the same words of encouragement to every child.

Finally, in a sunny golden autumn, Song Ran hoped for a turning point.

At that time, he was sitting on his little bed and making stars. The teacher of the orphanage opened the door and called him, saying that his uncle and aunt who made an appointment to see him a few days ago had come.This exhibition is very special, only one of his apples is on display.

The teacher said: "There are no other children competing with you, so you have to seize the opportunity, you know?"

Song Ran nodded.

According to the plan, he went out with a bottle of colorful paper stars as a meeting gift to his future adoptive parents—a gift folded by the child himself, full of childlike innocence, who wouldn’t like it?

However, the couple Songran met were extremely picky and were not easily moved by the children's paper stars.

They want to see the real thing.

The aunt with exquisite makeup took out a piece of paper from her bag, folded it in three, and it looked like a long and cumbersome list.During the communication with Songran, every once in a while, she picked up a pen and marked a few ticks on the paper.Song Ran didn't know the specific content of this list, but he guessed that the more ticks were ticked, the higher the probability of being adopted, because every time a tick was ticked, there would be a softness in the aunt's examining eyes, and then Nodding in satisfaction.

Although the standards are strict, Songran's performance is still impeccable.

In fact, every child in the orphanage has received some discipline through hearing and seeing, and knows how to please their adoptive parents.The couples who come to adopt are not completely ignorant, but everyone has weaknesses. When they see a beautiful and positive appearance, they will not care too much about the potential hypocrisy.

And Songran has a unique strength - he can eliminate all blunt performance traces.

Other children smile with their lips and teeth, but Songran smiles with a pair of eyes, always squinted, warm, like the morning sun, orange fruit candy, people can taste a little sweetness just looking at it.

The other children smiled and often showed a look of worry, because they were afraid of their uneasiness due to poor performance, but Song didn't.He buries negative emotions deep in his heart, which is equivalent to self-hypnosis. The clear smile comes from the heart, making it impossible to find the gloom hidden under it.

In this game, the orphan has learned hypocrisy, and the parents have learned to beware of the hypocrisy of the orphan. Only Songran can make the most picky parents find no faults, thinking that what they see is true.

The meeting that day lasted a full three hours.At five o'clock in the evening, the sun was setting, and the picky aunt finally ticked off her list.

She sat beside Songran, touched his head tenderly for the first time, and said to the teacher of the orphanage: "In this society, it is really becoming more and more difficult for people to understand. Such an excellent Songran Child, smart, obedient, responsive, sweet enough mouth, don’t take too much face when you take it out. If you let me give birth and raise it by myself, I may not be able to teach a better one. How can anyone be willing not to? Teacher , I have my eyes on him, I like him a hundred times, I will definitely take him back and raise him well."

In addition to agreeing to adopt, the couple also promised to donate a large sum of money to the orphanage to show their sincere gratitude, so the teacher of the orphanage hurriedly accompanied them to go through the formalities, leaving Songran alone in the room.

Song Ran looked at their backs as they went away, knowing that he was about to have a family and someone to love him, the pain and grievances that had been suppressed for several years poured out of his heart.

He took out a box of unused colored pencils from the drawer and began to paint and draw on the paper.But he did not expect that it was this last painting that caused an irreparable big mistake.

He wanted to draw a plump sunflower, but he ended up with an eight-legged spider hanging from the roof and weaving a web. He wanted to draw a small green grass hill, but he ended up with a few closed iron fences. He wanted to draw a group of happy people. The child who was playing turned into a rag doll with a broken leg that was hugged by the disabled girl across the street all day long...

A greedy thought flourished in Songran's heart.

He wanted to take a risk, to uncover his false mask, and only remove one corner to reveal a little insignificant flaw——that aunt who said she liked him, was willing to stroke his hair, and talk to him in a gentle voice, would definitely be happy too. Be willing to accept a small cloud of gray haze in the sun.

At that time, Songran took the superficial liking as real, and also took the polite intimacy as real.

While drawing, he casually flipped over the drawing paper and glanced at the back inadvertently.The moment his eyes touched the paper, his body stiffened.

This is a piece of paper torn from an old notepad, with a calendar for a certain month printed on it.

A total of 31 days.

Song Ran looked at the five consecutive rows of numbers, and his fingers trembled slightly.He gripped the colored lead tightly, moved the nib to the back of the last 31, stuck to it, and hurriedly wrote a 32.

然后是33、34、35、36、37……笔尖飞快跃动着，再也停不下来。

The little child was obsessed and went crazy, and desperately wrote continuous numbers on the paper, line after line, column after column... 107, 108, 109... 1210, 1211, 1212... The densely packed numbers are Like thousands of ants pouring out of the nest, they quickly crawled all over the paper, filling every corner and corner.It wasn't until there was no gap on the paper that Song Ran woke up from the daze.

He raised his head and saw the aunt standing at the door, holding the doorknob, staring at him in horror.

She rushed over quickly, snatched the drawing paper from Songran's hand, slapped it back into the arms of the teacher in the orphanage, and cursed loudly: "Please explain to me, what kind of thing is this?! He is a child , doing such weird things all day long?!"

As soon as the teacher of the orphanage saw the paper full of numbers, he immediately knew something was wrong, and explained with a smile: "Ms. Song, there is nothing wrong with her, but this child is fine, everything else is fine, except that she was a little traumatized when she was young..."

"What kind of psychological trauma is obviously sick!"

Auntie Song pointed at Songran, and her sharp voice pierced into his heart like a dagger: "How can I take him home like this? If he gets up in the middle of the night to write numbers, I will be scared to death! Look His painting, look at his cute appearance just now, can this be a child? He is not schizophrenic? Rotten apples are sold as good ones, thank you for making them!"

When Songran heard this, she jumped up and threw the pencil in her hand hard at her.

"I'm sick, I'm schizophrenic, I'm just a rotten apple, what's wrong? I don't want you to keep it!" He clenched his fists and roared angrily at Aunt Song, "If I also have a watch, You are a big fork in every item! You don't deserve to be my mother at all, get out of here!"

It was because of losing control this time that he lost his chance of being adopted forever.

He was a bright red apple, which accidentally exposed the rotten flesh inside, so he was forced to take it off the shelf, left the bright display window for exhibition, and threw it into the corner of the warehouse, never to be shown again.

Later, he heard from other sources that the couple who came to pick him that day had a lot of money. Because of his slip of the tongue, the orphanage missed a large amount of donations, which naturally fell on him.Later, he heard that he had become a typical negative teaching material. Every child had to be vaccinated before participating in the "exhibition". The teachers said: You can learn from anyone, but don't learn from Songran. Let's live a good life, but I'm going to kill myself for the rest of my life.

That's right, I'm alive and well.

For the next few years, Songran spent a mediocre life in the orphanage. At 14, he was over the upper age limit for adoption. At the age of 16, he left the orphanage alone with his painting tools on his back.

It seemed pointless to stay any longer.

Might as well go out and venture out.

If there is really a home that belongs to him in this world, it must be hidden away from the orphanage, because what the orphanage can give him is shattered the moment the mask is lifted.

Songran was full of hope at the time, thinking that he had just embarked on a journey that was a little more difficult than others, and at the end of the journey, there would be a door of a house with a big red blessing lettering open to welcome him.But today, when he was tearing a lot of toilet paper in the bathroom, he suddenly realized that he would never reach the end.

Because he was missing a crucial skill.

He doesn't handle intimacy at all.

Songran's damage to intimacy is almost destructive: as long as others take the initiative to show a sign of intimacy, he will have a desire to explore beyond the distance - dig out the darkest part of his heart, and expose the darkest part in front of others without any concealment. , or unscrupulously vent their emotions, so that the other party can destroy even this pitiful affection that has just sprouted, and from then on, they will be intimidated by him and stay away.

Aunt Song was like this back then, and Mr. He is like this now.

Song Ran learned how to be a qualified friend, colleague and neighbor, but she couldn't learn how to be a qualified family member.

How long has he known Mr. He?

Only 24 hours and only three calls.

Mr. He, who is so mature and gentle, is willing to believe in the hearts of unknown people through a layer of belly, entrusts the child to the care of strangers, is willing to pay him a salary of [-] generously, and teases him from time to time, teasing him with a sexy voice People... such a good Mr. He, he was killed alive in just one day.

Tomorrow, Mr. He will find a new nanny to replace him, and Bubu will stay at his home for dinner, and will not come to listen to him tell stories, nor pester him to call him brother.

Only two days, and nothing.

He is still alone, and he is alone wherever he goes.

Songran once vowed to live an active life, to talk to people with a bright smile, to treat people with neither humble nor overbearing, to paint warm light colors, to write healing fairy tales, and to fill every day with warm colors—but it was useless, useless at all.

Once stimulated, he will still show his true colors and show his ugliest appearance.

The monster in his heart has never died, it hibernates in the depths of the cave, and when strangers approach him occasionally, it will make a terrible roar, scaring away anyone who tries to get close to him.

Song Ran was unwilling to give up lightly. After crying that night, he took out a pen and paper, and sat in front of the French window in the living room in the middle of the night to write an apology letter to Mr. He, saying that he still wanted to take care of Bu Bu, and he would definitely pay attention to controlling his emotions in the future.

The blue moonlight shines on the paper, and the eyes are full of lonely and cool tones.

He wrote page after page, intending to read it to Mr. He when he was on the phone with Mr. He tomorrow night, but after finishing writing, he felt that it must be too late.He scolded so badly, like the most unreasonable shrew, Mr. He probably didn't even want to hear his voice.

Song Ran felt uncomfortable, crumpled up the letter paper and threw it to the far corner.

In the darkness, a big hairball jumped up, jumped off the sofa, picked up the ball of waste paper, and sent it back to Songran.

"Meow."

Bu Doudou gave a sweet cry and raised his head for praise.

Song Ran stroked its soft long hair, pinched the tips of its thin, transparent ears, and said in a low voice, "Budoudou, why don't you even belong to me? I'll pick up a few more manuscripts and buy them for you." Imported canned food, come with me, okay?"

Bu Doudou tilted his head to look at him, there was a clear sky in his blue eyes.

Songran didn't expect that He Zhiyuan would still be willing to talk to him.

The next night when Bubu brought the phone, he was nestling quietly on the sofa folding stars, and he folded hundreds of them scatteredly, and they fell all over his feet like petals.

He stared at the bright screen, looked at the word "Dad" on it, and didn't even dare to stretch out his hand.

"Brother, pick it up quickly." Bubu pushed forward and urged, "Baba wants to talk to you."

Song Ran took the phone and slowly put it to his ear, thinking that it was a grenade with the safety catch pulled, which might explode at any time, and even the slight white noise in the receiver made him tremble with fear.

He didn't dare to speak, and waited nervously with his breath held.After a while, he heard He Zhiyuan say: "Songran, I think we need to talk about what happened last night."

The tone was flat, although it was not friendly, it did not blame too much.

As soon as he heard his voice, Songran couldn't hold it anymore on the spot, his nose was sore, and he said first: "Mr. He, last night... Last night, I had a bad attitude, and I offended you by speaking thoughtlessly. I solemnly apologize to you, the kind that bows at 90 degrees! Your lord does not remember the fault of a villain, and the prime minister can hold a boat in his belly, can you..."

He sincerely begged: "Can you forgive me?"

But He Zhiyuan replied: "No."

"Oh."

Expectations failed, the answer was expected, Song Ran clutched his phone and nodded in a daze: "Then... I can't bring Boo Boo either, can I?"

"No." He Zhiyuan extinguished all his hopes with two concise words, "Songran, this is what I want to talk to you about. I contacted the housekeeping company, and tomorrow they will arrange for an experienced new Auntie is here to bring Bubu. Don't worry, I personally screened the resumes this time, the new auntie is very young, she was born in a kindergarten teacher, can tell fairy tales, make small wontons, and... is very good at emotional control."

Hearing the last point he emphasized, Song Ran's heart sank to the bottom instantly.

"Songran, please understand me." He Zhiyuan's tone was indifferent and alienated, "I believe that last night was just an accident, and your character is not flawed at all, but out of a sense of responsibility as a parent, I can only replace candidate."

Hearing this, Songran smiled dryly: "It's okay, I, I understand, I'm really... not suitable for raising children."

He picked up a paper star, bit it between his teeth, and crushed it with regret.

Look, there really is nothing wrong with you.

Make your mouth cheap, make you ashamed.

The paper star was bitten into a long paper tube by him, dangling back and forth in his mouth.Budoudou rushed towards the air, and swiftly scooped it up with one paw.Songran was depressed, so he grabbed another one, stuffed it into his mouth, and chewed it hard—this is good, not only did he not have to take the child, but also the relationship between the neighbors became tense, and he had to pick the cat's eyes first when going out in the future, to prevent It's unlucky to bump into Mr. He head-on in the corridor, which is just annoying.

How could there be such a fool as him?

No wonder no one wants it.

Songran drew an S on the sofa with his left thumb, and a B on the sofa with his right thumb. He stared at the two letters for a while, rubbed his feet uneasily, and embedded them in the corner of the sofa. a little.

He installed the mushrooms for a long time, but the other end hadn't hung up the phone yet, and Mr. He remained silent.

Hang up!

The blood strip is too thin to bear it.

Song Ran swallowed her saliva, and stammered: "Uh, Mr. He, I'm really... I'm really sorry for you. I'm a person, and occasionally my mind is not normal. If you haven't calmed down, or...You scold me Come back? I promise to accept the teachings with an open mind and never speak back!"

The person on the other side seemed to sigh lightly, but remained silent.

Song Ran couldn't wait for a response, she buried her head lower and lower, her cold forehead resting on her knees, her chest was sore as hell: "Then... If you have nothing else to do, I, I won't bother you. Mr. He, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He said sorry three times in a row, hurriedly touched the on-hook button, and pressed it as if fleeing for his life.

The phone fell, and Song Ran put his arms around his knees and fell into a long silence.

Bubu was still drawing seriously in the dining room, immersed himself in coloring for a while, and picked and picked at the colored pencil box for a while.Song Ran looked up at his little back and asked, "Boob, what do you want to eat tomorrow morning?"

"Tomorrow morning?" Boo Bu put down the pen and paper, twisted his body, leaned on the back of the chair and thought about it carefully, "Tomorrow morning, I want poached eggs and porridge, preferably thick, rich and fragrant!"

Song Ran nodded: "Okay, brother will do it for you."

Brother can do anything for you.

He nestled dejectedly on the sofa for a while, then stood up suddenly, gathered together a hundred or so scattered paper stars, put them into a glass bottle, picked up the picture books scattered around one by one, and put them together. Neatly stacked, divided into three stacks according to age groups, stacked on the coffee table, went to the bedroom to find a roll of nylon rope, tied each stack tightly, and pulled out a beautiful bow.

Boo Boo likes picture books of fairy tales so much, so let's give these as gifts.

Anyway, if he wants to refer to it, he can borrow it from the magazine.

Bubu heard the movement and turned around curiously: "Brother, what are you doing?"

"The living room...is a bit messy, I'll tidy it up casually." Song Ran forced a smile, "Where's Boo Boo? How's the painting going?"

Bubu said with a smile: "The painting is very good, but it is not finished yet. There are so many flowers today, each of which has a different color, and my eyes will be confused! Brother, please draw less tomorrow, only two flowers, I've already figured it out, paint one bright red and one bright yellow."

"Okay, tomorrow... my brother will only draw two flowers for you."

Song Ran was talking to the coffee table, her heart was empty, she didn't know who she was promising.