under the filth

After the quarrel that day, Tang Cen was locked at home by Tang Songyuan.Tang Songyuan took away Tang Cen's cell phone and computer, and only left him a few tablets of pills, and restricted his range of activities. Tang Cen could only move around in a few corner rooms on the second floor.

But even if the bedroom door wasn't locked, Tang Cen didn't dare to take half a step out of the bedroom door. Whenever his hand touched the doorknob, a strong burning sensation from above forced him to withdraw his hand.After repeated several times, Tang Cen did not try to open the door again.

The only thing Tang Cen could come into contact with every day was the servant who delivered the meals. He tried to communicate with the servant, but he didn't know whether it was Tang Songyuan or the housekeeper. The servant just shook his head to answer every question Tang Cen asked, and he didn't want to say a word.No one spoke to Tang Cen, and Tang Qian and Tang Songyuan were also missing. Tang Cen could not hear any sound outside the house through the bedroom door, and everyone seemed to have disappeared.

Tang Cen was "imprisoned" in his not-so-spacious bedroom, sleeping alone on a double bed at night, and when he opened his eyes the next day, he saw the same ceiling.Loss and fear enveloped Tang Cen, devouring his soul bit by bit. He had never felt that the layout of the bedroom was so weird and distorted, and even the air exuded a depressive atmosphere.

Every day Tang Cen tried to clear his mind, pondered his words over and over again, and had ridiculous dreams, but Tang Songyuan never came to see him.

One evening, Tang Cen sat on the bed and said to the servant who came to deliver the meal: "I want to see my father."

He didn't know what Tang Songyuan's plan was, but he knew that he would at least fight for a chance, no matter what the result was.

However, after the servant put down the tray, he left without even giving Tang Cen alms, so when the door closed, she didn't see Tang Cen's dim eyes.

In the dark room, only the afterglow of the setting sun shines in through a few cracks. The bay window in Tang Cen's bedroom is very large, but ever since Tang Cen stood by the bay window one day and suddenly had the urge to jump, he closed the curtains. Pulled tightly, and never took a step closer to it.

Being alone behind closed doors for a long time made Tang Cen gradually weakened, and his sensitive and fragile nerves were constantly tormented by the closed space and self-blame.At night, Tang Cen often woke up from his sleep, and his appetite plummeted. Sometimes he only moved a few chopsticks for the food served by others, but he never felt hungry.

Only when he was close to a certain critical point, Tang Cen would peel off the tinfoil, and swallowed the cold water with the pills in a violent retching.Tang Cen looked at the glass in his hand, feeling ashamed to cover up the throbbing pain in his stomach stimulated by the cold water, and he no longer held a grudge against Tang Songyuan's harsh treatment.

But the side effects of the medicine were far more serious than Tang Cen thought.

In a small space, Tang Cen repeated the life of getting up-taking medicine-eating-sleeping day after day, while thinking about two problems every day.

"What am I living for?"

"What's the point of my existence?"

Ever since Tang Cen could remember, he would often ask himself these two questions in his heart, but before going to university, he always got the same answer every time.

At that time, Tang Cen looked glamorous on the surface, so excellent that no one could find a single mistake, but in fact he just followed Tang Songyuan's request and mechanically carried out his instructions step by step.It was only after Jiang Yan's phone call that Tang Cen fully realized that his life was developing in the direction Tang Songyuan expected from the beginning to the end, and neither his past nor his present was his own thoughts.

Tang Cen was once released from the golden cage by Tang Songyuan, and gained a short period of freedom in England. Now that he was locked in the cage again, he finally figured out those two problems.

"What am I living for?"

Not for anything, he doesn't want to live to please anyone, but he doesn't know any reason to live other than to please his father.

"What's the point of my existence?"

It's meaningless, if you just follow other people's instructions step by step, this kind of life is meaningless, but he has no choice.

After meeting Lu Sheng, Tang Cen worked hard for five years, trying to live the life he wanted, but he still felt guilty for disobeying Tang Songyuan's instructions.In constant torment, Tang Cen struggled all the way, and finally he was dragged into the abyss of destruction by the invisible hand protruding from the quagmire.

"Male (prostitute)" and "mental illness", those two words often lingered in Tang Cen's mind, just like Tang Songyuan's reprimand that day, he seemed to be able to hear the ridicule and abuse from his father.Tang Cen never thought that he would hear such words from Tang Songyuan, nor did he think that his father would treat him in this way.

Now he finally felt Jiang Yan's pain personally, it was not bad at all, and it was even worse, as if the discrimination he imposed on Jiang Yan and the use of Lu Sheng were returned to him with interest.

"Boom—" The sound of objects hitting the wall and glass shattering suddenly sounded in the silent room.

Tang Cen put his back against the door of the closet, crouched in the corner decadently, lowered his head and pulled his hair.His shoulders trembled slightly, there were still a few water marks on the back of his hand holding his hair, and the black hair passing through his fingers was also stuck together due to moisture, and there were still a board of pills and a few unpacked pieces lying on his feet. pills.

The glass made a shallow dent on the wall, and the broken glass fell to the ground. The water originally contained in the glass flowed to Tang Cen's feet along the gap between the wooden floors. Waking up from a breakdown of the ego.

Looking forward along the water, Tang Cen's eyes were fixed on the small watermark on the wall, and his feet walked forward involuntarily.Stepping on the flying fine glass shards, his body weight pressed the glass shards into the soles of his feet, and the sharp edge cut the soles of Tang Cen's feet, but he didn't even frown.

Blood seeped into the palm prints, leaving a few pairs of bloody footprints on the ground, making the already dark room even more creepy.

Tang Cen stopped when he was only one step away from the large piece of broken glass.He squatted down, hugged his knees and looked at the broken glass on the ground, without taking his eyes off it, his expression was the same as when he and Lu Sheng were admiring a certain artwork in the Royal Crescent Building.

After looking at it for a long time, Tang Cen picked up a piece of glass with sharp edges.Holding the fragment in his hand, Tang Cen gestured twice on his own hand, but he hadn't eaten for a long time, the muscle weakness caused by hypoglycemia prevented Tang Cen from holding the glass for a while, and the sharp corner scratched the skin of his wrist .

A large area of ​​bright red suddenly appeared in front of his eyes, and the tingling sensation from his palms, wrists and soles of his feet woke Tang Cen up suddenly.He looked at the shards of glass stained with blood in his hands in horror, not daring to think about what he wanted to do just now.

With a "crack", the shards of glass hit the ground and shattered into smaller pieces.The slender wound on the wrist was still oozing blood, and the blood drops fell on the ground along the arc of the wrist, "Tick-tick--"

It wasn't until the blood pooled on the ground that there were puddles the size of coins that Tang Cen knelt down on the ground as if his strength had been taken away.He curled up and covered his wound, writhing on the ground in pain, the sharp edge of the glass scratched his body, and the beige pajamas were covered with mottled blood.

Why don't you die, Tang Cen.

"Ah——" Tang Cen slumped on the ground and screamed. The wound on his body hurt, but the position of his heart hurt even more, as if he had been dug out by life.

Tang Cen has been trying to seek the expectation of survival from Tang Songyuan's affirmation, but no matter how far he has achieved, Tang Songyuan has never affirmed him, and will only find one example after another that is better than him, and ask him to do better.

Never being affirmed, Tang Cen began to question the value of his own existence, and amidst Tang Song's constant denials, he finally denied the meaning of his existence.

Now is no longer the era when one bite of food can support children. If he had a choice, Tang Cen would not choose other people to be his parents. He would choose not to be born in this world.

The doors and windows were closed tightly, no one heard Tang Cen screaming and crying in the bedroom, nor the sound of him filling the bathtub in the bathroom.

Tang Cen knelt beside the bathtub and turned the faucet to the maximum.His eyes were red, his face was still stained with dry tears, and his hair and pajamas were also a mess.

Numbly watching the water in the bathtub rise up little by little, Tang Cen picked up the shards of glass at his feet, and aimed the sharp end at his wrist.

Sharp shards of glass pressed against the wound on his wrist, bit by bit embedded into the flesh along the cracked opening, blood rushed out of the wound, and flowed into the warm water along the fingertips.

At first the little blood was not enough to stain the transparent water, but Tang Cen pushed the glass shards into his wrist again.The pain from the piercing made Tang Cen's hands and feet go limp. He lay on the edge of the bathtub, the glass shards slipped to the bottom of the bathtub, blood gushed out, and there were a few faint red lines in the water in the bathtub.

Not enough, this is not enough.Tang Cen turned off the faucet, fumbled in the water with his hands, and fished out the glass shards that had sunk to the bottom of the water.He inserted the glass back into the wound, Tang Cen's expression changed instantly due to the pain of cutting, the cold sweat from the pores wet his clothes, he clenched his teeth, raised his hand and slammed the other end of the glass on edge of the bathtub.

"Bang!" The piercing pain from his wrist caused Tang Cen to lose consciousness for a moment. The severe pain made him want to scream, but no sound came out of his throat, he just opened his mouth and gasped.

Holding the edge of the bathtub, Tang Cen pulled the glass out of his wrist with trembling hands.His wrist was soaked in warm water, watching the gushing blood dyed the water a light red, he pulled the corner of his mouth and showed a weird smile.

If only I hadn't been born.