under the filth

After learning about Jiang Yan from Tang Cen, He Xiu began to investigate Jiang Yan.

In fact, Jiang Yan's existence did not affect He Xiu's work progress. Just like Tang Cen said, her death was like a pebble thrown into a lake, and she didn't make any noise on the Internet, nor did it stir up people in society. There was a wave of waves, but it spread in a small area for a short time.

Almost no one cared about the truth of Jiang Yan's suicide, but this only left sequelae on Tang Cen. Even after more than ten years, her suicide continued to affect Tang Cen's mental state.Tang Cen still couldn't let go of not being able to prevent Jiang Yan from committing suicide at that time, and even regretted not being able to talk to her properly in high school and becoming friends with her earlier.

A living person can never compare to a dead person. As a living person, Tang Cen can't make up for the regret left by that year, and can't change anything.

But the living will continue to live, and there is a new future.

Up to now, Tang Cen's knot in his heart has only increased his pain. He Xiu, as his psychiatrist, must of course help him untangle this knot, but before he can untie it, he must know Jiang Yan's past in order to prescribe the right medicine.

Tang Cen might know other things, but He Xiu didn't ask any further, he knew that it would be difficult to find out anything from Tang Cen.Because after telling He Xiu about Jiang Yan, Tang Cen fell silent again, and even refused his visit.

Tang Cen remained silent, He Xiu could only find a way to find out from other places.It's a little troublesome to investigate people who have been dead for many years. Fortunately, He Xiu's colleagues happened to be Jiang Yan's psychiatrist back then. He got a cardboard box that Jiang Yan entrusted to keep from that senior.

Back in the studio, He Xiu opened the cardboard box, which contained a box full of yellowed paper—Jiang Yan's medical records and medical certificates.

He Xiu put the medical records and medical certificates in the box on the table one by one. When he took out the last medical record from the box, he saw the diary lying at the bottom of the box.

This diary is quite old, the corners of the cover are a little damaged, and the edges of the pages are slightly warped because they have been flipped through too many times.He Xiu flipped through it briefly, and found that the entire thick diary was filled with words, leaving only the title page blank.

It is self-evident who owns the diary hidden under Jiang Yan's medical records.

He Xiu touched the phone in his pocket, hesitating whether to tell Tang Cen first, but thinking of the last time he saw Tang Cen, he withdrew his hand and opened Jiang Yan's diary.

The handwriting in the diary has not changed much from the beginning to the end, but some pages have been wrinkled and deformed, as if they have been soaked in water, and the handwriting on them is not very clear, and some are even completely blurred, leaving only mottled ink stains.

Although what Jiang Yan left behind was a diary, the content written in it was not just a diary.In addition to the records before and after each follow-up visit, there are also many things that happened in her childhood.He Xiu flipped through the diary, and always felt that Jiang Yan had expected that someone would investigate her, and wrote down these things in the diary in advance.

But the content of the first third of the diary is fragmented, and the timeline is also very messy. I don’t know when it started or when it will end. Just like Jiang Yan’s life, there is no logic at all. .

From an ignorant and ignorant childhood, Jiang Yan has been living with her mother's intermittent abuse and humiliation.

Jiang Yan was not as simple and simple as she was when she was a child. On the contrary, when she was young, she had a childish and delicate face, coupled with a lively personality, she was always praised by her neighbors. An enviable loving couple.

However, the seemingly harmonious and warm family is full of dirty insults and suspicions inside.Jiang Yan's father is busy with work, and his long business trip makes him unable to take care of his family. He leaves all the task of raising Jiang Yan to Jiang Yan's mother, Lin Wan.

At the beginning there was no problem, but after a long time, rumors spread among the neighbors. It was rumored that Jiang Chengli was up to no good, and that he was cheating. .

Every time Jiang Yan's mother listened, she could only smile awkwardly, but dared not deny it.Those gossips never stopped, even Jiang Yan occasionally heard a few words, Lin Wan listened to them for a long time, and gradually became suspicious of Jiang Yan's father amidst the gossip of neighbors and relatives.

At that time, Jiang Yan was too young to understand what happened between her parents. Even when she grew up, she only vaguely remembered what they were always arguing about.

In the most serious of countless quarrels, Lin Wan touched her husband.She threw everything she could at hand at Jiang Chengli. Jiang Chengli dodged twice, trying to stop his wife, and during the dispute, the vase slammed on his shoulder.

Jiang Chengli fell to the ground and covered his shoulders. Looking at his crazy wife, he finally couldn't help but slammed the door out.

Jiang Yan hid behind her bedroom door and witnessed the whole process. The moment Jiang Chengli rushed out, she quietly closed the bedroom door and hid under the quilt.

Since then, Lin Wan's temperament has become weird. She still talks and laughs when facing her neighbors, and maintains her original gentle appearance in front of her husband, but she will say a few harsh words from time to time. The innocent daughter is as cold as ice.

"Maybe I owe her something from birth, and she should have accumulated a lot of resentment over the years."

Jiang Yan wrote this line with such force that she almost tore the paper. There were a few yellowed scraps of paper sandwiched between the dark ink marks, and the whole piece of paper was uneven.

Lin Wan no longer trusted Jiang Chengli and was always suspicious, but she no longer asked about Jiang Chengli's itinerary, but the backlog of dissatisfaction and anger finally vented on Jiang Yan.

After closing the door, the heavy anti-theft door separated Jiang Yan's home from the outside world, and locked Lin Wan's cursing and humiliation in Jiang Yan's small bedroom.

Jiang Yan squatted in the corner, and Lin Wanju stood in front of her condescendingly, pointing at her nose and roaring. After venting, she looked at Jiang Yan who was shivering in the corner, and suddenly squatted down and hugged her in her arms Here, holding her face and weeping bitterly.

"I wish I had a son."

"If only you were a boy."

These were the two sentences Jiang Yan heard the most from her mother at that time.

The ignorant Jiang Yan didn't understand what her mother meant, but she could tell from her tone that her mother didn't like her.Jiang Yan was worried that she was causing trouble because of her ignorance, so she gradually stopped talking to her.

Do your own thing quietly, play by yourself, and solve problems by yourself.Slowly, Jiang Yan became lifeless, not talking or playing with friends.

In Jiang Chengli's words, she "doesn't look like a child".

What a child should look like, Jiang Yan didn't quite understand until she went to college, she just tried not to cause trouble to others.But Jiang Chengli said so, and she tried to be a child who loves to laugh. She would laugh when being praised and teased. Over time, laughing became her subconscious action.

It was the same appearance Tang Cen saw later.

Having no friends and living in such a depressing family environment for a long time, Jiang Yan began to vent her attention by overeating.

At puberty, Jiang Yan inevitably began to gain weight due to excessive calorie intake and growth hormone imbalance. Her originally delicate and juicy face disappeared, and the swelling fat squeezed the original small facial features into shape.

Originally because of Jiang Yan's pretty face, although Lin Wan always blamed Jiang Yan for her dissatisfaction with Jiang Chengli, she still regretted what she did because of her pitiful appearance squatting in the corner, but now These all turned into disdain and disgust.

The mother who would wash her face with tears all day long because of the neighbor's gossip, would hug Jiang Yan after she lost control of her emotions, hoping to be forgiven by her, hoping that she was a boy's mother and completely disappeared from Jiang Yan's world.

Jiang Yan lost the last sympathy of her mother. Her mother became the first person to humiliate her because of her body gain.

Jiang Yan's mother insulted her daughter loudly in front of countless students and parents on the street.

Jiang Yan stood still and listened to her humiliating herself constantly. She felt the eyes of the crowd were on her, could hear their whispers, and saw that the boy who always bullied her was standing in the crowd mocked her.

From that day on, words like "fat pig" and "fat man" reached Jiang Yan's ears every day.

Although Jiang Yan was wronged at the beginning, she never shed a single tear. She knew that tears could not arouse the sympathy of those who take pleasure in teasing others, but would only make them worse.

Jiang Yan didn't understand why she was treated like this, but words could no longer cause any substantial harm to her. She would still show a flattering smile when she was humiliated, but that kind of smile could still be said on her delicate face. It's just flattery, but it's funny and ugly when it's changed to a face full of flesh, it's unsightly.

"Don't show me such a disgusting look."

Her mother never concealed her dislike for her daughter. The labels on Jiang Yan as ugly and freak were all insulting, and they were nailed on her by her mother and classmates.The people around laughed and trampled on Jiang Yan's dignity, wantonly humiliating her.

At that time, everything around couldn't wait to show Jiang Yan the ugliness of the world. When everyone else was walking towards a bright and beautiful future, Jiang Yan was left alone in a dark corner.

Since childhood, Jiang Yan has accumulated a lot of negative emotions in her heart, but she can't find anyone to confide in, so she can only open her social account when she can't bear it anymore, and confide the black mud in her heart to herself.

Jiang Yan has a habit of registering multiple accounts on the same platform at the same time, one for contact, one for storing important documents and materials, and one for talking about trivial matters.

Because she has no one to contact, she needs so many social accounts.

Every time she wanted to vent her emotions, Jiang Yan would click on an account and vent her dissatisfaction into that account. This self-venting method was kept until Jiang Yan's third year of high school.

Because of Jiang Yan's bad appearance, the so-called friends she made at that time laughed and played with her on the surface, accepted her kindness and help, but secretly mocked her like a boy, and some were waiting to see Jiang Yan's jokes Someone deliberately provoked the already false and fragile relationship between her and those friends.

After living in such an environment for more than half a year, Jiang Yan's grades plummeted, and she became a poor student in the teachers' mouth, and they were the focus of observation.But none of Jiang Yan's parents cared about Jiang Yan's situation. Jiang Chengli was busy with work, while Lin Wan expressed her disgust and impatience very directly.

Life is still going through endless torture, Jiang Yan is completely numb, she has no expectations for the future, nor any plans.No one would care what kind of life she was. In the eyes of her father, work was always more important than her. The mother only hated that she gave birth to a son.

At that time, only Jiang Yan's class teacher did not give up on her. She learned about Jiang Yan's situation in the class from the class monitor. After every midterm and final exam, she would talk to Jiang Yan and ask her if she had encountered any difficulties recently.

"It's okay." Jiang Yan always answered the head teacher like this every time, and it never changed.

In the last semester of junior high school, after the class teacher talked to her for the third time, Jiang Yan realized the seriousness of the problem. She began to study hard, and her grades gradually returned to the original level.

She wants to get into a good school, trample down those who look down on her, and hope her mother can treat her differently because of this.

Jiang Yan has worked hard for a long time, almost devoting all her time to study.However, in the end, Jiang Yan failed the exam.

The moment Jiang Yan saw the score, Jiang Yan felt as if the blood in her body was frozen, it was cold from head to toe, and there was no heat in her whole body.She didn't know why, she had worked very hard, but in the end she became the laughing stock of everyone.

But that's just the beginning.

After listening to insults and verbal abuse for a long time, Jiang Yan felt as if the wind was blowing by her ears. At first, she would feel sad for a long time, but then gradually she didn't care.But when she grew up and the seeds of rebellion and resistance began to sprout, what greeted her was physical whipping.

After the senior high school entrance examination, parents of students who had known each other would inevitably talk about their children's grades when they met.Lin Wan didn't care about Jiang Yan's grades at first, but after hearing her friends show off her child's grades several times, she always felt that Jiang Yan had lost her face, which made her even more embarrassed in front of others.

After being pissed off by her friend, Lin Wan returned home angrily, rushed to Jiang Yan who was reading a book, and slapped her hard.

Jiang Yan's score was not high, but she could still attend an ordinary school. According to Jiang Yan's state at the time, this was already the best result, but it couldn't satisfy Lin Wan's vanity at all.

Because of this report card, the already distorted relationship between Jiang Yan's family fell to a freezing point, and the person who managed to reverse this situation in the end was Jiang Chengli.He entrusted a lot of connections in the business field to get Jiang Yan into a key high school.

Entering a key high school saved Lin Wan's face a little bit, but it didn't mean that Jiang Yan was relieved.

The summer vacation after the high school entrance examination was the darkest period in Jiang Yan's life, even more painful than the childhood of ignorantly bearing verbal humiliation. In those short two months, she experienced real despair.

During that summer vacation, Jiang Yan was dragged into various cram schools by her mother on a hanger.Jiang Yan couldn't count how many clothes hangers her mother had discounted, but the scars on her arms and calves never faded.

In order not to be discovered, Jiang Yan can only wear airtight long-sleeved trousers to class in the hot dog days in the south.The wound was red, swollen and painful, and the rough cloth rubbed against her sensitive skin. Jiang Yan was in so much pain that she couldn't listen to anything, but she could only force herself to sit in the stuffy classroom.

During that summer vacation, Jiang Yan lost half of her body weight. When high school started, those false friends saw her again and praised her hypocritically after finding out that she had lost weight.Jiang Yan listened, just smiled, and continued to play with them as if nothing had happened.

People who don't matter only know that she is no longer the "fat pig" in others' mouths, only she can see the ugly skin on her legs and stomach that is wrinkled like orange peel.

Living under Lin Wan's nose, Jiang Yan learned to restrain her emotions in front of outsiders.No matter what kind of attitude the other party treats her, she accepts it with a smile, never refuses anyone's request, and never refute.

Even so, Jiang Yan seemed to have no friends by her side.People around her called her scorn from "fat pig" and "fat man" to "freak".

Jiang Yan doesn't care about anything. Whether her grades are good or bad, her teacher's impression, and her classmates' evaluations have nothing to do with her.Knowing that she is mediocre, she always smiles heartlessly in front of others and treats everyone enthusiastically. Such a person is particularly eye-catching in a class where everyone only cares about her own grades, and she is naturally regarded as an alternative.

But Jiang Yan didn't care. After that summer vacation, Jiang Yan felt that there seemed to be something wrong with her head, but she couldn't tell what was wrong.Living in the same environment used to be suffering, but now there is no fluctuation in my heart.

After hearing too many unsavory swear words, Jiang Yan gradually didn't care how the woman she called "mother" insulted her. Anyway, she was beaten in the end, it didn't matter whether she heard it or not.She seemed to have completely lost her senses. Sometimes Jiang Yan saw her mother's crazy appearance, and even felt a little pitiful for her.

Jiang Yan spent the summer vacation of the first year of high school numbly. On the first day of the second year of high school, she was transferred to the key class based on Jiang Chengli's relationship and became Tang Cen's deskmate.

When meeting Tang Cen for the first time, Jiang Yan noticed the subtle disobedience in him, but at that time she was not interested in her new deskmate at all, and forcibly ignored the vague The sense of disobedience is only when Tang Cen is a good-looking top student from a superior family.

Tang Cen is indeed one of the top students. After every get out of class, he will always be surrounded by a few students who come to ask questions.Jiang Yan lay on the table and listened to Tang Cen explain the topic to them, her left ear went in and her right ear went out.

Jiang Yan understood the head teacher's intention of letting her sit at the same table with Tang Cen. No matter what period of time the teacher would inevitably have such considerations, but Jiang Yan didn't care about these at all. Her daily conversations with Tang Cen were limited to asking about homework or borrowing stationery.

Out of habit, Jiang Yan also casually added the other party's social account.

Tang Cen's account was very clean, and his avatar was very simple, very similar to one of Jiang Yan's many accounts.Worried that she would send the wrong message, Jiang Yan never talked to Tang Cen on social platforms, she threw Tang Cen's too clean account into a corner.

During the time when Jiang Yan and Tang Cen were at the same table, Tang Cen always sat quietly in his seat and kept writing. He would occasionally look out the window in a daze during class.With his back turned to Jiang Yan, Jiang Yan couldn't see the expression on his face at that time, but felt the strong sense of loneliness in Tang Cen.

After getting along for a short time, Jiang Yan could see that Tang Cen actually didn't like this kind of environment. He never stayed in school after school, and he didn't fight with his classmates.

Although Tang Cen was always surrounded by many people, Jiang Yan always felt that he was the same kind of person as herself, but Tang Cen never showed his emotions, as if he was suppressing something, restrained so frighteningly.

Jiang Yan began to be curious about Tang Cen, but Tang Cen strangled that curiosity to death.

I don't remember when it started, but Tang Cen never came to school again. It was only later that Jiang Yan learned that Tang Cen had gone abroad to study from the girl at the front desk.

With nothing to be interested in, Jiang Yan started to spend the rest of her high school time in a daze. She couldn't remember things clearly, and she couldn't even remember how she took the college entrance examination.

The only thing she remembers is that she accidentally sent Tang Cen a message in the last month before the college entrance examination.It was too late for her to withdraw her long and long complaints, so Jiang Yan could only bite the bullet and tell Tang Cen that she accidentally sent the wrong message, but luckily the other party didn't care.

"It's okay." It was the first message Tang Cen sent to Jiang Yan. The two of them briefly shared the same table for half a year. After Tang Cen went abroad to study without warning, the two of them had no interaction.

Maybe it was because of that "it doesn't matter" that Jiang Yan subconsciously sent Tang Cen a message when Lin Wan and Jiang Chengli divorced.

Jiang Yan's college entrance examination results are not bad, and she can barely go to an ordinary school.Jiang Chengli was very satisfied with this result, but it couldn't satisfy Lin Wan's vanity.

Maybe she found a new way to vent. During the two months of beating Jiang Yan, Lin Wan vented all the grievances and dissatisfaction with the Jiang family she had suffered for more than ten years on Jiang Yan. Gained pleasure, she was obsessed with that feeling.

Whenever Jiang Chengli was not at home, Lin Wan would use various excuses to beat Jiang Yan.Jiang Yan never resisted, her ears were full of obscenities, and the place where she was hit by the hanger was also very painful, but after being tortured for two months in the hottest season, Jiang Yan could no longer feel the pain.

Later, I don’t know if it was because I was bored. After Jiang Yan entered the second year of high school, Lin Wan seldom hit Jiang Yan anymore. She began to sleep out frequently, but she didn’t ask anything about her daughter, and it didn’t matter when Jiang Yan participated. college entrance examination.

Lin Wan allowed Jiang Yan to fend for herself for nearly two years, but finally began to accuse and beat her daughter after learning of Jiang Yan's college entrance examination results.

"How did I give birth to you such a fool."

"A dog does better than you in the college entrance examination."

Every day, Jiang Yan could hear Lin Wan cursing her in a low voice in the room. She was not angry, but felt that her distraught mother was as ridiculous as a clown.

Whenever she saw Jiang Yan's mocking expression, Lin Wan would angrily pick up the things at hand and throw them at Jiang Yan.

The same was true on the day Jiang Chengli returned from a business trip.

The living room was filled with the sound of obscenities and clothes hangers being slapped on the body, and the sound of opening the door was almost inaudible, drowned out by Lin Wan's voice.

Jiang Chengli knew that his wife had beaten his daughter, but when he saw his wife's ferocious face, he stood in a daze at the door, and the briefcase in his hand fell to the ground with a "click".

Lin Wan stopped what she was doing, glanced coldly, and then slammed down the hanger.Jiang Yan saw that Jiang Chengli had no intention of stopping her. She lowered her head and smiled mockingly. Then, in front of her father, she slapped her mother loudly when the hanger fell on her body.

The palms of her hands were numb from the shock, and Jiang Yan felt a sense of joy in her heart when she saw her parents' disbelieving expressions.

It was the first time that she realized that beating someone was such a happy thing, and Jiang Yan suddenly understood her mother's behavior. Her heart, which hadn't fluctuated for a long time, beat violently at that moment.

Since then, Jiang Yan's life has completely fallen into chaos.But the one who flinched in the end was Jiang Chengli again.

Jiang Chengli didn't care about Lin Wan, he took Jiang Yan to a mental hospital, did a bunch of examinations, and finally came to the conclusion that Jiang Yan was ill, possibly schizophrenia.

At that time, Jiang Yan's illness had not yet been fully determined. During the first examination, Jiang Yan's medical record still had the word "possible" written on it.But no matter what was written on it, the news about Jiang Chengli taking Jiang Yan to the mental hospital and Jiang Yan's illness still spread among Jiang's relatives.

In the eyes of Jiang Chengli's age, especially the feudal relatives of Jiang's family, mental illness is a shameful disease, and it can even be equated with sexually transmitted diseases and (promiscuous) sex.

For a moment, the Jiang family was like a frying pan. Relatives who seldom interacted with Jiang Chengli swarmed in front of Jiang Chengli. Some came to persuade him to divorce, and some simply wanted to see a joke about their family.

Jiang Chengli wavered for a long time, facing his mentally disturbed daughter and hysterical wife, he still chose to divorce.

After the divorce, the crazy Lin Wan suddenly calmed down. She seemed to have lost her soul, and often hugged Jiang Yan's childhood clothes and wept, or hugged Jiang Yan and cried loudly.

Lin Wan always took Jiang Yan's hand and said, "Mom only has you."

These words were like a curse, keeping Jiang Yan, who was able to escape the sea of ​​suffering with Jiang Chengli, forever in that hell.

Jiang Yan stayed with her mother while taking the medicine.Sometimes when Jiang Yan came home, she was greeted by a gentle mother, but most of the time it was a whipping.

One night, the hysterical Lin Wan knocked over Jiang Yan's medicine bottle when she was taking medicine, and the white pills scattered all over the floor.

Jiang Yan squatted down to collect the medicines, but Lin Wan stepped on the back of Jiang Yan's hand fiercely. After Jiang Yan withdrew her hand in pain, she began to go mad at the pile of medicines again.

Facing her mother who was no longer able to communicate normally, Jiang Yan locked herself in the room.She was trembling with anger, tears blurred her vision, but she still typed out lines with trembling fingers and sent them to Tang Cen who was far away in England.

That time Tang Cen replied quickly, and Jiang Yan felt his perfunctory from Tang Cen's words, but she had no other choice.

After a long silence, Jiang Yan made an unreasonable request to talk to Tang Cen.

To her surprise, Tang Cen agreed.

Later, when Jiang Yan sat on the platform on the top floor of the university and made the last voice call to Tang Cen, she actually felt a little regretful.She regretted making that request with Tang Cen. If she hadn't said those things to Tang Cen, they might not have become friends. When she decided to commit suicide, she might not have been so sad.

Lin Wan is so crazy, it's not like Jiang Chengli, as a father, never thought of taking his daughter away.In fact, he had persuaded Jiang Yan many times, hoping that she would move in and live with him.

After the divorce, Jiang Chengli soon married another woman.The woman had never been married before marrying Jiang Chengli, but she had a son who was in junior high school.

Jiang Chengli's parents have always been proud and arrogant people. They strongly opposed his marriage with Lin Wan more than 20 years ago, but this time they have no dissatisfaction.

Jiang Yan could probably guess those dirty things, but what did they have to do with her, she knew from a long time ago that she was an unwanted child.

When Lin Wan was just pregnant, the two parents were looking forward to the birth of their grandson.But when Lin Wan gave birth and the doctor told them that the baby was a girl, Lin Wan's parents suddenly changed their expressions, and Jiang Chengli's parents just walked away.

Because of Jiang Chengli's work, he and Lin Wan can only have one child, and keeping Jiang Yan means that they cannot have another son.

The elders in the family wanted to sell Jiang Yan, and even Lin Wan was persuaded so much.Jiang Chengli originally agreed, but when he saw the little baby in his infancy, his heart suddenly softened.Always filial and sensible, he defied his parents' wishes for the first time and forcefully kept the child.

In the ten years after Jiang Yan was born, Jiang Chengli worked hard and devoted himself to honoring his parents, but no matter what he did, his parents always complained about what he did at that time.

So after Jiang Chengli cheated and had an illegitimate child, Jiang's parents, who finally got their wish, even began to encourage Jiang Chengli and Jiang Yan's mother to divorce.They never stopped thinking like this, and now Jiang Yan's illness undoubtedly gave them a reasonable excuse.

Jiang Chengli and Lin Wan successfully divorced, but he always thought that he had treated his daughter badly.After discussing with his new wife, he decided to take Jiang Yan over to live with them, and their son agreed.

But Jiang Yan rejected him.

"Yanyan, how are you feeling recently?" When Jiang Chengli took Jiang Yan for a review, he asked about her recent situation casually.

Jiang Yan nestled in the passenger seat, lowered her head and played with her mobile phone: "It's pretty good."

"Do you want to move here to live with Dad?" Jiang Chengli glanced at Jiang Yan secretly, and found that her expression was the same, before continuing, "With auntie taking care of you, Dad can rest assured."

The car stopped in front of the hospital, Jiang Yan still sat in the seat after unfastening her seat belt, and did not get out of the car immediately.

She looked at Jiang Chengli who was full of hope, then turned her head to look at the gate of the hospital, and murmured softly: "Dad, you have your own new home, but mom has nothing."

"I have nothing left either."

Jiang Yan has always had nothing, and the divorce of her parents and her own illness have not affected her in the slightest.

After graduating from high school, Jiang Yan applied for a very ordinary university in other provinces.Although it is a school in another province, it is only 200 kilometers away from Jiang Yan's home, but it is enough for her to get rid of her mother's control.

After going to university, Jiang Yan didn't live on campus. She rented a small single apartment near the school, and continued to live the same chaotic life as in high school, running between the school and the single apartment every day.

Ever since talking on the phone with Tang Cen, Jiang Yan would talk to him from time to time.

Tang Cen's temper is slow. I don't know if it's because it's on social platforms. Most of the time, Jiang Yan takes the initiative to find him and complain about trivial things.Due to the time difference, Tang Cen sometimes did not reply in time, but Jiang Yan always got his response.

The abnormal friendship between the two lasted for nearly a semester. In the second semester of freshman year, Tang Cen suddenly started to talk to Jiang Yan.

At that time, Tang Cen was facing Lu Sheng's fierce and strange pursuit.

After that, Tang Cen told Jiang Yan a lot about himself intermittently, from trivial things in school to the city where he lived.

Sometimes Jiang Yan felt that Tang Cen was very close to her, but sometimes she felt that he and she were not on the same side at all, but no matter what, the friendship between the two was maintained like this.

After moving to the single apartment, Jiang Yan never returned home.Jiang Chengli would occasionally ask her about her recent situation, but her mother seemed to have completely disappeared from her world without a word from her.

Apart from going to school, Jiang Yan's only outing activity is to go to the hospital in the city center for follow-up visits. The rest of the time, she stays in the small apartment, lying on the bed aimlessly to kill time.

At midnight on the first day of the first lunar month, Jiang Yan's mobile phone received a message: Happy New Year.

When she saw the blessing from Tang Cen, Jiang Yan was in a daze for a moment, and it took her a long time to realize that it was the Spring Festival.

Jiang Yan has lived in China since she was a child, and she has no idea of ​​what Tang Cen said about Christmas, and she doesn't even have anything special to remember about the Spring Festival.

Jiang Yan's only activity during these festivals is nothing more than sitting and eating with acquaintances, chatting about what happened recently, and sometimes even hearing a few words of sarcasm.

No matter what the people around her expected and how strong the atmosphere was, Jiang Yan didn't feel very happy, nor did she feel that such a festival was worth celebrating.

Happy New Year.Jiang Yan nestled on the bed in the apartment, typed the same four words with her numb fingers, and returned the blessing to Tang Cen.

Perhaps it was from that New Year's greeting that Jiang Yan and Tang Cen stopped complaining about their affairs to each other blindly. From the first day of the new year, they began to care about each other's lives.

Starting to get along with Tang Cen, Jiang Yan also got to know this deskmate whom she once defined as a top student more and more. From Tang Cen's words, she felt his bewilderment and doubts about herself.

Tang Cen couldn't find a reason to live. It was hesitation and confusion from the depths of his soul. In order to feel that he was still alive, he began to harm himself.

When Tang Cen mentioned for the first time that she was harming herself, Jiang Yan's heart skipped a beat.When she first met Tang Cen, Jiang Yan felt a subtle sense of disobedience from him, and now she has finally found the root of the disobedience.

Tang Cen's inside is not as glamorous as it looks on the outside, he is the same as himself, the inside has begun to rot and turn black, but the skin that Tang Cen uses to wrap himself is more beautiful.

Jiang Yan selected a few not too embarrassing questions from the measurement form she had made, asked Tang Cen a few times on the sidelines, and secretly wrote down his answers, and gave them to her attending doctor when she came back for a follow-up visit.

After repeating it tirelessly several times, Jiang Yan began to persuade Tang Cen to go to the hospital, and persuade him to date Lu Sheng.

Tang Cen's situation can't be said to be particularly bad, but if he continues to let it go, one day Tang Cen will become like her, completely dominated by his own emotions, and even unable to integrate into normal society.

After Tang Cen went to the hospital and got the medical certificate, Jiang Yan regretted it again.

Although I said that I persuaded him to go to the hospital for Tang Cen's good, but if I didn't talk too much and didn't deliberately guide Tang Cen to think about those aspects, maybe Tang Cen would never realize that he had a mental problem in his whole life.And the time when Tang Cen started to harm himself was also after they got in touch.

No matter how you look at it, the current result seems to be her intentional guidance.

"Maybe I killed him."

When talking on the phone, Jiang Yan hinted to Tang Cen several times, but I don't know if Tang Cen guessed it and didn't want her to think about it, or he didn't realize it at all. He skipped this topic every time. .

It is rare to make friends, and Jiang Yan spent a lot of thought on managing this friendship.Her life has changed a little bit and started to develop in a good direction.

Without that accident, Jiang Yan might still be able to graduate from university without incident.

Jiang Yan heard from her classmates that there is a psychological counseling room in the school.