under the filth

"Tang Cen, do you hate Lu Sheng?"

Hearing He Xiu's question, Tang Cen turned his head and stared at him for a while, then shook his head lightly, "I can't hate him, living alone in a strange environment without friends from the same land, in the end He appeared when I was lonely, and he was by my side. No matter what he did to me, no matter what purpose he approached me for, in those ten years, he always helped me."

To Tang Cen, living alone in a foreign country is like rowing a canoe in the vast ocean. He was overturned by a violent storm, struggling alone in the boundless ocean. The only piece of driftwood caught in the

Even if that piece of driftwood turned into a chain that imprisoned him in the end, it couldn't erase the fact that he was once saved.

Tang Cen's life of more than [-] years has been wandering in confusion. The habit he developed since he was a child made him constantly find suitable reasons for those who hurt him, which even became his subconscious behavior.He knew he shouldn't have done this, but he couldn't change it.

It was a cowardice and flattery that was engraved in his bones and would not change easily.

But the feelings of so many years were finally washed away.

"If he gets tired and breaks up with me on his own initiative, I will agree to him. I may be in pain for a while, but I will soon get used to living alone. It is not completely unacceptable. I can understand him, and I have already guessed There will be a day when we break up." Tang Cen leaned on the soft pillow, raised his hand to touch his waist, through the thin fabric, he could still clearly feel the shape of Lu Sheng's burnt cigarette scar.

"He and I...have become like this, and we can't blame him entirely." Tang Cen closed his eyes and sighed, "It's my fault. At the beginning, I made an ambiguous promise, but then there was no formal agreement." Break up with him."

"With Lu Sheng's personality, no matter what you do, the final result will be the same, and it may even be worse." He Xiu took Tang Cen's hand on his waist and squeezed it gently, "No People know where you are, and no one will remember you, you may be tied up in that room by Lu Sheng for the rest of your life, and continue to live a life that is not even as good as an animal."

As He Xiu said, he leaned forward slightly, stared into Tang Cen's eyes, and said, "Tang Cen, don't take other people's faults on yourself, you have no reason to bear them for them."

Tang Cen just lowered his head and looked away, "The choice I made led to this result, why isn't it my fault?"

He Xiu couldn't answer Tang Cen's question. Tang Cen's decisions may have indirectly caused this tragedy, but Tang Cen should not be responsible for these mistakes.But Tang Cen stubbornly took all the mistakes on himself, let guilt and self-blame torment his spirit, he thought it seemed that only by doing so could he be redeemed.

"During this time, I have been thinking, if I hadn't hung up Tang Qian's phone call, if I hadn't backed down when Eisen said he would take me home that year, wouldn't it be...it wouldn't be what it is now. As Tang Cen said, he raised his head and looked at He Xiu again, hoping that he could give him an answer.

He Xiu looked at the intertwined hope and annoyance on Tang Cen's face, folded his arms in silence for a long time before shaking his head and replied: "You are indeed wrong, if you didn't agree to him at that time and didn't go to bed with him, maybe this Nothing will happen."

"But it's too late to say 'if' now, and it's meaningless. Even if you were given another chance, you might still make this choice. Because you can only do this at that time, and no one will give you a better second s Choice."

"Even if you are wrong, you have already taken the consequences, so stop adding these meaningless mistakes to yourself. These are not your fault alone."

"We all want you to live, so please...be kind to yourself."

Hearing He Xiu's words, Tang Cen's eyes turned red and he forcefully forced back the tears, but accidentally sobbed.He Xiu heard it, got up and sat on the edge of the bed, reached out to hug Tang Cen, and patted his bony back.

Tang Cen is like a canary that grew up in a gorgeous birdcage. Its wings were broken at an age when it should be high-spirited, and it flew up crookedly with its broken wings, and then fell heavily, leaving scars. Tired, and then locked in a dirty birdcage for fun.

After Tang Cen calmed down, He Xiu let him go and continued, "The sentence will be pronounced the day after tomorrow. If there are no accidents, it will be the death penalty."

Tang Cen's shoulders trembled when he heard the last two words, "He is dead, can Eisen come back?"

"If I say yes, what will you do? Do you want to intercede for Lu Sheng?" He Xiu stared at Tang Cen as he spoke, as if trying to read something from the expression on his face.

However, Tang Cen turned his head, looked at the chirping birds on the tree outside the window, and murmured in a low voice: "It doesn't make much sense to me whether he is dead or alive, but I have to give an explanation to others."

He Xiu was not surprised by Tang Cen's answer, and he continued to ask: "Are you still willing to go home with Aisen to meet his family?"

"I dare not see his family." Tang Cen twitched the corners of his mouth, showing an expression uglier than crying, "I killed him, what face do I have to see them?"

He Xiu knew that Tang Cen would attribute Eisen's accident to himself, "They never blamed you, the Sterling family has been running around and collecting evidence for this incident."

Tang Cen shook his head and did not answer.He wanted to ask if they would still run for themselves as they are now if it was just their own accident, but in the end he swallowed all the rest of the words.

There's no need to speculate about Eisen's parents and elder brother with his own narrow mind, he doesn't have the qualifications.

"If only he had been the person I met in college 17 years ago, maybe I wouldn't have lived like this."

Tang Cen thought this way more than once, Eisen treated him too well, too good to be a person who would exist in reality, but he did exist in reality.

However, the answer He Xiu gave was beyond Tang Cen's expectation.

"If the person who was with you at that time was really him, you might not be happier than now, and you would still be struggling, even worse than when you first dated." He Xiu seemed to remember something wrong He frowned and rubbed his temples, "It took him ten years to become what you saw later. In those ten years, he saw his own mind clearly and learned a lot, so he dared to squeeze in without hesitation. your life."

Tang Cen looked at He Xiu who was discussing with him seriously, and suddenly smiled, "He always said how good I am, but I don't feel it at all. I've never done anything extraordinary."

"I'm just... hurting people all the time."

When he was sober, Tang Cen would occasionally think about what to do after he recovered from his illness. He was only 37 years old, and he was already 37 years old. He could no longer continue such absurd life.He wants to live, and if he lives, he can see Eisen.

Tang Cen, who was immersed in the memories, kept deceiving himself like this, but when He Xiu asked what happened afterward, when Tang Cen realized that Aisen was dead, he suddenly didn't care.

He Xiu wanted him to live, everyone wanted him to live, only he wanted to die, in that narrow bedroom, in the cold ward, he sought death time and time again, but was stopped time and time again.

Tang Cen didn't understand that the person who supported him to live was gone, and no one would accompany him to see all the beauty in the world, so what's the point of his trying so hard to survive.

His life is already like this, so don't cause trouble for others.

If possible, Tang Cen would choose to die again, and then go underground to atone for his sins.But he didn't want Tang Qian to suffer the pain he had endured. The only meaning of his dragging now was to alleviate his own guilt.

He Xiu put his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands.He looked down at the intertwined fingers, thinking about what Eisen said to himself when he was dating Tang Cen, and slowly raised his head for a while, "Not everyone has the courage to bear what you have experienced, can you To be alive is already amazing.”

Tang Cen didn't expect that He Xiu would say such words to himself, nor did he think that his terrible life could be considered "remarkable" in his eyes, and he felt sore in his chest.He didn't understand why he could be liked by Eisen and recognized by He Xiu.

"You are a good doctor." Tang Cen held back for a long time, and finally could only think of such a sentence.

He Xiu couldn't help laughing when he heard him praise himself so much, "You are the first person to say that about me, but if you came to see a doctor ten years ago, I might only make you more painful."

Probably because He Xiu's smile was too dazzling, Tang Cen's nerves that had been tense and uneasy gradually relaxed. He thought about it, and finally said what he had been thinking about all along, "You can be friends with him... Never a bad guy."

He Xiu was taken aback for a moment, and asked in surprise, "Did you recognize it?"

"I've seen the photo you took with him. I recognized you when you took off your glasses for the first time." Tang Cen didn't hide anything, and told the truth.He rejected many doctors, but he didn't reject He Xiu's approach because of Aisen, but he didn't know what the person in front of him who grew up with Aisen thought of himself.

"do you hate me?"

Tang Cen's question made He Xiu even more surprised. He smiled and asked, "Why do you think I hate you?"

"I killed your friend." Tang Cen said in a trembling voice, but twisted his fingers uneasily.

He Xiu sensed Tang Cen's uneasiness, but he didn't hide it, and said his thoughts frankly, "In the beginning, I did have a little complaint. After all, Eisen was seriously injured in that car accident. He was very important to me. He is a very important friend, without him and Luka, I would probably have experienced the same torture as you."

"I didn't want to take this job from the Tang family, but Eisen was always worried about your situation, and kept nagging me to come and see you before your brother found me." He Xiu complained about his The annoying employer mercilessly revealed Eisen's old background to Tang Cen, "That idiot kept calling your name even if he was unconscious. He really loves you and is worried about you."

"Grandy Hospital has also handed over your medical records to me. No matter what, we will try our best to stabilize your condition and reduce the possibility of recurrence, so please live a good life. He still has important things to do. Do it, and when it's over, he'll come pick you up."

What He Xiu said was calm, but Tang Cen's heart was filled with turbulent waves as he listened.He looked at He Xiu in astonishment, his pupils trembling slightly, and he wanted to speak, but no sound came out of his throat.

Aisen didn't die, but why did Lu Sheng...

Tang Cen asked frantically in his heart, He Xiu seemed to have heard his voice, and explained unhurriedly: "The car accident is real, but the others are all fake, and it was Lu Sheng who lied to you."

"Why did you tell me now!" Tang Cen was trembling all over, unable to believe what He Xiu said, his hands were tightly clutching the bed sheet, his knuckles were turning white.

Facing Tang Cen's questioning, He Xiu asked calmly: "If I told you from the beginning, would you believe it?"

Tang Cen was taken aback by He Xiu's question, and slowly let go of the bed sheet.

He Xiu was right, even if they told him the truth at the beginning, he probably wouldn't believe it, and would just take it as a lie they fabricated for the sake of routine.

"Although it's a bit late, he insisted that I hand it over to you." Seeing that Tang Cen didn't pursue the matter any more, He Xiu reached out and took out a black suede jewelry box from his pocket, "Happy birthday, Tang Cen. "

Tang Cen took the jewelry box that He Xiu handed over in a daze. He opened it and saw a silver ring and a folded piece of paper sandwiched in the sponge cushion wrapped in black flannel. Strips and a handful of long light brown hairs.

"Doctor He!" Tang Cen shouted anxiously at the back of He Xiu who hurriedly opened the door and left, "This is...why didn't he give it to me himself!"

He Xiu turned around and saw Tang Cen standing there holding a jewelry box no bigger than a palm, scratching the back of his head in distress.He opened his mouth, and wanted to say that Eisen hadn't been discharged from the hospital yet, but after thinking about it, he changed his words: "He's afraid of making you cry again."

"What is this..." Tang Cen asked tremblingly, but He Xiu didn't answer him, but left in a hurry.

After He Xiu left, Tang Cen opened the note, he read it for a long time, and finally couldn't help crying softly.

Will you come home with me this Christmas?