nostalgia

I often look for his shadow in the crowd. Some people have the same smile, some have the same expression, and some have the same clothes as him, but they can't make up a complete him.

And what I need is him who is unique in this world.

The year I met, I was 19 years old.

I was born in a very normal family. Normal here means that the family is complete, there is no domestic violence, no psychological shadow, etc. If I have to pick out some faults, I can only say that the mother is kind and the father is strict.My mother dotes on me very much, and she has always been my windshield, used to resist my father's too strict education methods.Usually in such a situation, the child would become more secure, but I am not, to be honest I am very afraid of the father.

When my father scolded me when I was young, I never dared to talk back and listened silently, even if my mother was helping to make jokes.I was terrified of my father, but not afraid.Children always have this kind of mentality, if there is someone to help, no matter how big the career is, I am not afraid that he will hit me or something, but I am afraid to talk to him for no reason.

Over time, this kind of silence has become a habit, and the communication with people has gradually approached zero.If you talk less, you will naturally observe more. I can know a thing or two about the true faces of the students in the class, but fortunately, I am not a gossip person.

I had been studying art for three years before going to university. At that time, my father objected. He said that art design seems to have a future, but in fact few people have such luck.I remain silent.It’s just that there was a firm force in my heart that time, and I persisted silently. My mother was still on my side. At that time, I thought she was just spoiling me like this—just like many times before. Later, I realized that my mother hoped that I would be interested. There is a point of focus, she said that boys must first be adults before they can talk about success. She has always seen my eccentricity these years. She is afraid that my personality will be distorted if I am depressed for a long time. At least doing things I like can distract me. some attention.I really didn't expect my mother to have such an idea.

In the end, I fulfilled my wish and chose the only art that I have been interested in.

God is fair, I have no friends and I spend all my time on art. After a long time, I have won the praise of many teachers and achieved impressive results in some competitions.

It is undeniable that I am an extremely conceited person. I don’t know if it has something to do with family. I have read in a book that people have two sides, and the conceited person has an unknown inferiority complex on the other side.Am I like this too?whatever.

After entering university, I majored in toy design—I don’t know why, but when I was choosing a major, I saw the name and chose it by accident.

What I learned in the first semester was very simple, mainly focusing on strengthening the hand-painting skills. After a period of time, I was confident and conceited that no one in the class could surpass me at least in terms of hand-painting.And one night, I suddenly felt that this is too boring, I like to compare with others when I have nothing to do, what is this?But I really don't have much sustenance, all the focus is on art, and that's all I am willing to compare with others.

I really want to shout at this: I am such a fucking wretch!

A new basic course was opened this week. The teacher is young and handsome. He is hardly the kind of person who can appear in real life. His appearance surprised me a little, but these are definitely not the reasons for me to pay attention to him. , I am not such a superficial and boring person.

The first lectures were nothing more than dry introductions.I also listened to each other. Although the people around me did not make exaggerated and disgusting exclamations like in the TV series, they were quieter because of his appearance. This is indeed an undeniable beautiful thing. strength.

People's resistance to beautiful things will be weaker, so I watched him buy most people with his gentle smile, humble and kind attitude in less than half a month, and really included me It was as if he had been given spiritual hands to enter.

That hand can create amazing pictures, but it is just a piece of white paper, just a pen, and just a dozen colors of paint. Through his hands, it can actually paint pictures that are not only beautiful.An excellent painting can be memorable, and you will find new surprises every time you look at it, just like his paintings.

So I began to remember the teacher's name, Li Suran.

When he talked to me for the first time, he said, you are a very talented and capable student, and I really like your works, which are atmospheric, free and easy, and very elegant.

I knew he would know me and remember me. This is the only confidence I have in my field.

And our conversation was only limited to professional issues. The three-week course ended soon, and I learned a lot from his brush. Suddenly, I felt that his talent was like a boundless gold mine. What I saw was nothing more than Facing such a special attraction, I think, I am very interested in getting to know this person.

I searched for the name Li Suran back and forth on the schedule, but found that he only taught us this one course, at least this semester would not teach us any more, and I was inexplicably disappointed.

Since this semester, I have rarely seen him. Occasionally, I will meet him in the corridor of the teaching building or on the road of the teacher’s dormitory. We will smile and nod to say hello, and then we will be busy, but I am always grateful in my heart that he still remembers I.You must know that university is a mobile train, and it is not so easy for teachers to remember a student.

In the blink of an eye, it was the second semester of freshman year. After I got the schedule and saw that the teacher who led the sketching team was Li Suran's name, I didn't even realize that the corners of my mouth were lifting at a very slow speed at that time.

From a certain place in the bottom of my heart, something called "hope" rises, and it spreads over the whole body without realizing it, and life becomes a pastime of counting the days, and I have been looking forward to the day when I go out to sketch.

I started to study professional courses in the next semester, and God gave me a gift at the beginning.

When Li Suran walked to the podium under everyone's surprised eyes, he pursed his lips and said with a smile, "Ms. Li, who teaches you, is on sick leave, so I will help him with a week's class, but I am not interested in toy design." I’m not very familiar yet, so I listened to Mr. Li’s suggestion to take fine sketching first, which will also help you in the next design class. When Mr. Li said that she would come back to make up for the class that was shelved.

So amidst everyone's cheers, I also heard a little joy in my heart. I thought, I like this teacher very much.

I have an inexplicable sense of intimacy with him, he is like a luminous body that constantly draws people closer, if possible, I don't want to call him Teacher Li, I just want to call him by his name.

The kind of adoring love hidden in my heart was actually seen through by my classmates. Some people said that I only listened to him, but I just glanced at him and continued to do what I liked.

I knew that I didn't have any friends, so I developed an independent personality, and I was alone in everything I did. Because of this, the secret was only seen by me.

I heard the teacher named Shen Yao who was stuck with Li Suran all day long say, I've been chasing you for a whole year.

And Li Suran hugged him, with an old man's calm happiness in his eyes, and said, I began to feel that someone needs me, and I also have someone I can rely on.

And Teacher Shen kissed Li Suran's forehead.

Art students have a sketching class in a certain semester, go to a small city to see the scenery and culture there, and accumulate some background for future design.

After knowing Li Suran's secret, I felt that my whole body became strange, but I didn't know why. Two months after this happened, we were going to finish the sketching course, and the teacher who led the team was Li with distinction.

The train at eleven o'clock in the evening arrived in just over two hours.The hotel room has been booked, but no staff has been assigned yet, and everyone is a little tired clamoring for me to share a room with so-and-so.

After the chirping, for a moment I realized I was on an order.

Alright, let's distribute according to what everyone said, Li Suran said.When everyone was busy, they turned their heads and said to me, how about you live with me, the old man is very lonely.

I burst into laughter.

Li Suran's sleeping appearance is very good, he doesn't snore or kick the sheets, and falls asleep within 2 minutes after falling down, but for someone like me who habitually stays up late at night, the habit of falling asleep when he touches the pillow is extremely Luxurious.

He was lying on his side, with his hands crossed across his chest. Usually, people who sleep this way have a strong sense of self-protection. I was still thinking about it, but I heard Li Suran's lips moving, muttering something .

I couldn't hear clearly and I didn't like to pry into other people's privacy, so I was about to turn over when a slightly clearer whisper came into my ears.

Jinxi, Jinxi...why can't we love each other...

I opened my mouth wide in surprise, isn't his lover Shen Yao?Why is someone else's name called in my dream?My mind became confused for a moment.

Thinking about it, I also fell asleep in a daze.In the morning, I was dragged out of my dream by screams. When I opened my eyes, I saw Li Suran’s smiling face. Maybe it was because the light was so good at that time. His skin looked smooth and beautiful. At that moment , My waking up gas seems to be invisible.

Okay, look at your reluctant face, wash it off quickly, you are about to set off, why are you still acting like a child...

With such words, it feels like the distance has become closer, I think so.

It’s sketching, but no one will bring a bulky easel, drawing board, paint or something. Some people bring a camera to take some pictures worth cherishing, but I still bring a small sketchpad, from time to time Draw a quick one.

Li Suran is completely different from the one who frowned and choked up last night. He would often receive calls, saying that I am fine, don't worry, this place is very beautiful, and I will return in a few days. You have to take good care of yourself, etc. .Some classmates teased him with a faint smile, and then used black-bellied tricks to make others flirt with each other. Only I know that the so-called "girlfriend" in their mouths is actually Shen Yao, who is the same gender as Li Suran.

Maybe it's not Li Suran who is in love, but Shen Yao who he's dating.

What kind of story does he have?Why do people like me, who have never cared about other people's affairs, want to know so much?I still can't think of a clue.

After returning to the hotel at night and taking a shower, it was still early. The other students went shopping and played games. Brother Li Suran rejected their invitation on the grounds that he was not feeling well, and I was never one of the group.

Watching TV wasn't much fun, I turned my head and called Li Suran who was on the other bed, and suddenly wanted to chat with him.

I asked, do you have someone you like?

He paused for a second and said, of course.

Have you tried the feeling of liking but not being able to be together?

I think I must have lost my head, and anyone who asks this obviously will find that something is wrong. I secretly scolded myself when I became so gossip, so I made nonsense again, can I tell you, Teacher Li, I think I like it Having sex with someone, I am looking forward to seeing her, but I know it is impossible to be together, because she has her own happiness.

Li Suran's eyes dimmed for a few seconds. He said, it's better to miss each other than to meet each other. If you can't be together, don't meet each other. This is good for everyone. Just remember that beautiful period is enough. People never know when they You will meet the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The repeated failed loves are just teaching you how to learn to love, so we only need to remember the beauty with those people.

I couldn't listen to what he said later, because I began to feel afraid of the lie about "my unrequited love" that I told before. It was obviously just nonsense, but I felt more and more that it was basically talking about me. Own!And the person referred to is not "she" but "he"!that person······

I like his smile very much, it is clean, I like his ingenious talent, I like his happy face, but after a long time I will find a trace of helpless sadness in his eyes, I always want to When I got close to him, I felt a strange feeling in my heart after knowing that his lover was of the same sex. I kept trying to understand him, could it be because——

No!I didn't... My head became more and more confused, and I didn't dare to think about it, but my body issued an alarm so that I couldn't look at him again, it was too dangerous!

So I laughed dryly and said, I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable, and I wanted to sleep.

A year is coming to an end.

It's just thinking about it in pain and struggle.

I am 20 years old and a sophomore in college.

It has been a year since I discovered my abnormality.

And now, I still feel like I'm abnormal.It took me more than half a year to recognize and admit the fact that I like Li Suran, and then I started to feel stupid. I took the initiative to draw our relationship closer, but I didn't want to have a result or something, I just wanted to stay humble Just sit next to him.

I got to know the Zhong Jinxi that Li Suran said, he is indeed a very attractive person, the love for Li Suran must be experienced with the heart to find that he loves him to the bone.I only found out about them after I became very close to Li Suran. When Li Suran told me, they had broken through all shackles and were together again.After learning about them, I thought about it for a long time, whether it is appropriate for a person like me who is like a timer/timer/bomb/bomb to stay with them. God knows if I will suddenly fall in love with it one day I don't want to separate them by means. I don't want to make myself so scary, and I also don't want to break up this pair of lovers who have exhausted all their talents to be together.But I never planned to do this, I just fell in love, don't I have the right to be a sunflower just by his side?

From the very beginning, I knew that there was a price to stay by his side. When I saw Zhong Jinxi mischievously kissing Li Suran on the cheek while he was not paying attention, when I saw Li Suran's use was free of any impurities and full of happiness I stared at Zhong Jinxi with my eyes, when I saw their hugs from the bottom of my heart.The pain that spread from the bottom of my heart to my throat would sweep me like a tsunami.

Zhong Jinxi said, take what you want to eat and treat it as your own home.

Brother Li Suran smiled treacherously at the side, you didn't come here once or twice, what are you being cautious about, this is your second home, you are our child, hahahahahahaha.

Li Suran, you are so beautiful, you look like a teacher, okay? How can you lead a bad student like you!

How can there be...

So the pain came out of my throat, and I smiled bleakly, saying, you can disgust me, I have to go back to school.

I, a coward + masochist, can't bear to escape their sweetness in a hurry.

When I got home in the afternoon, I found that the atmosphere in the house was not right. My father was stern, and my mother was also worried.

When my father saw me coming back, he slapped me without saying a word, but my mother remained uncharacteristically silent.

My father said angrily, learning an art has opened up your whole being!When did you start to like men? !

I suppressed my panic and moved my mouth, and said, where did you hear these nonsense things.

Don't worry about how I know, since I'm going to question you, I'm [-]% sure, Li Suran!

I was surprised that he knew it to this extent, and for a while I didn't know what to use to prevaricate.

I helped you find a better art school abroad, here is the application form for withdrawal, fill it out quickly, you have no choice!

I tremblingly wanted to take the piece of paper. The second I touched the corner of the paper, I didn't know what courage I had, I slammed the paper and slammed the door away.

Walking aimlessly, I came to Brother Li Suran's house again. I hesitated for a long time and was about to ring the doorbell, but found that the door was only gently closed. They must have forgotten it in a crazy way. Close it, I pushed the door open and went in while thinking.

From the door, you can see a small corner of the bedroom, and I saw their entangled figures and some ambiguous breathing sounds there.I backed out gently, comforting myself and saying that this is nothing, this kind of thing will definitely happen between lovers, what's the matter.

But I still couldn't restrain the feeling of sudden cardiac arrest, my eyes began to blur, and I tasted the blood from my bitten lip.

Can you continue to stay here and stay with him?Isn't it torture for you to face the impossibility?Let go, it's better to miss each other than to meet.I heard such words in my heart, and I was noisy.

I don't know where I can go now, it seems that I can only stay in the dormitory.When I walked past the school and saw the art exhibition hall, I suddenly thought that Li Suran had said that it was the exhibition of the works of the school teacher, and there were also his works.But I have never dared to look at it. What kind of works can Li Suran draw in such a sweet and happy state?So I dare not.

And suddenly, I wanted to watch it again.

Li Suran's work was placed in a relatively conspicuous position, and I could see it at a glance—even if I hadn't read the author's signature.

It was a full-scale oil painting, which intercepted the eyebrows and eyes of the character. The wonderful thing about this work is that the author expresses the emotions in the eyes of the character very well, and the pupils also reflect what the character sees. As if this picture has a story to tell.

Maybe others can't see it, but I can see the person in the painting, Zhong Jinxi, at a glance.

"The Whole World" - this is the title of the painting.

Seeing this, I actually laughed out loud.

Walking out of the exhibition hall in a daze, I took out the phone.

Mom, let's book a plane ticket.

I don't think about this kind of life anymore, I struggle with sin and greed every day, and suddenly want to laugh at myself like this, people's thoughts have never been on you, for him, Zhong Jinxi is his whole world.

Falling in love with someone who shouldn't have fallen in love at all, had a ridiculous but deep-rooted dream, now it's time to wake up, leave a way out for yourself and let their love survive.

But——My heart hurts so much, the sharp pain like the tip of a needle passing through, and then soaked into the bone marrow, almost making me unable to stand still.It's just love, it can make people so vulnerable, it's ridiculous to the extreme.

Li Suran, I can only accompany you here. To you, I am just a fleeting meteor in your world, but to me, you are my whole world. I use my whole world to fulfill the star in your world. The most shining star, do you feel a little sad when you say that?

And my only request is, please remember me, remember that there is still such a me in this world.

My name is Xia Rui.