Quickly wear my first love a thousand times

2017. 1, 20

I couldn't hold back today and told you those words.

I'm actually not angry, I'm just a little sad, I don't want to be seen when I'm sad, but you are such a transparent person, I don't want you to know too much, so I had to lose my temper with you.

Today is my mother's death day.It's also my birthday.

When I was 17 years old, my father sent me to study abroad. When I came back, I realized that my mother’s health was already very bad. I asked many doctors, but there was nothing I could do.I think it's probably due to depression.

I hated my father very much since I was a child.

In my impression, he always wears high-end hand-made custom-made suits, gold-rimmed glasses, and even tie is meticulously tied, a standard businessman's style.

Even the few times I was alone with each other seemed to be talking to my subordinates.

My father has very strict requirements on my studies. He always said that the children of the Mu family cannot lose to anyone.

So I didn't dare to slack off. At that time, I didn't quite understand why my father and mother didn't live together, but I thought that as long as I got the first place, my father would be happy.

But no.Father just said blankly, "This is what you should do."

I do not understand.I remember that when the parent meeting was held, the classmate who took the No.2 test was 40 points lower than my total score, but his father kept boasting about him.

My father never held a parent-teacher meeting for me, because he thought it was unnecessary. He just had to take a look at my report card at the end of the semester.The teachers at the school also know the situation in my family, so they didn't ask for it.

At every parent meeting, the head teacher will ask me to speak as a student representative. In fact, I really don’t have anything to say, but I can still speak a fluent manuscript, and the parents below are listening carefully. I think it's ridiculous, I don't have parents, and I still do better than the children they take good care of.

I didn't know it was jealousy then.

But I also made mistakes. At this time, my father would not do it because he thought it was too ugly to leave marks.

He would lock me in a small room without food or let me out.The room was dark and narrow, and I didn't know what was inside. I remember that when I first entered, I seemed to want to cry, but I didn't cry in the end.Because my mother told me that boys should not shed tears casually, but be stronger.

My mother is a typical southern woman, gentle and considerate, with an elegant smile.At that time, I felt that women should be like this.

When my mother was wearing a cheongsam, she was very moving, like a bouquet of magnolia flowers, standing quietly and gracefully.

I like my mother very much, but when I was a little older, my father stopped letting me stay with my mother, and he took me to live with him.

My mother lived in a villa on the mountain. Although it was elegant, it was far away from my father's house, and it took about two or three hours to drive.

I only have one chance to see my mother every week, so I cherish it very much.

My mother explained a lot of truths to me at that time, and would read stories to me when I went to bed at night.

In fact, I already knew which fairy tales are beautifying the ugly reality to deceive children, but I enjoyed the process of listening to my mother read the story. She said that the prince finally found the princess after many hardships, and lived with her ever since. lived a happy life.

Then one day, I asked my mother, what is like.

When I was in elementary school, many girls wrote letters to me. At that time, I didn’t understand what it meant, but someone else told me——that girl likes you very much.

I didn't read any of the letters, and returned them all intact, because I felt no liking for any of them.

At that time, my mother just looked at me with a smile, and the smile flowed quietly on her face, as beautiful as a flower waiting to bloom. She said that she met my father when she said that.

At that time, my father went to her house to drink tea, and she met him face to face. After that, my grandfather asked my mother if he would marry my father, and my mother agreed.

After listening to it, I was even more puzzled.

Mother just smiled and said that you will understand when you grow up.

I went back to see my mother that day. She was still wearing a plain skirt and her hair was casually tied up as she was many years ago. She sat in the yard and watched the sunset. The yard was full of flowers and plants. She took care of me like a baby. She sighed and said what would happen to the flowers if she went.

I felt very sad when I heard this, but I couldn't say anything to comfort her.

My mother said she would be like this for the rest of her life.

Perhaps death is the best destination for her.

It was at this time that I developed hatred for my father.

He failed my mother.

I want revenge.

After returning to China, he began to entrust me with many affairs of the company. He probably only regarded me as the successor of Mu family, not his son.

I began to go to the banquets of the so-called upper class with my father.

He began to introduce me to the daughters of those business executives intentionally or unintentionally.

I understood what he meant, so when he asked me to get engaged to one of the ladies, I rejected him directly.

He lost his temper.Said whether I like it or not, I will eventually marry one of them in the future.

I just looked at him coldly and said, "Do you want me to marry them home like you and then go out to find women every day?"

He was finally speechless.

The women around him still change again and again, the only thing that remains the same is that they are always young and beautiful.

But he is slowly getting old.

For so many years, I have listened to him in everything and dare not go against it, not because I am afraid of him, but because I am waiting for the day when I have enough ability to overthrow his dictatorship.

He finally had no choice but to hang his head helplessly.

In the end he made a concession and said that if I have a girl I like, at least take it back and show him.

I just replied that I am not as promiscuous as him, if I can't find someone I like, I will be alone all my life.

This sentence was not deliberately said to anger him, but I really feel that I will never have someone I like in my life.

When I was 24, my father's company was on the verge of bankruptcy.

I don't know the specifics, but I vaguely know that someone has carefully set up a big picture, and now is the time to close the net.

Probably powerless.

During that time, my father seemed to be staying in the company all day, adding a lot of white flowers for nothing.

I don't feel distressed, I just want to know who can drive him to a desperate situation.

Unfortunately, by the time I knew who set the trap, he was already dead.

Died by jumping off a building.Just like that, he jumped from the roof of the company and ended his life.

He didn't even leave a last word for me and my mother.

In fact, his life is meaningless.

I thought to myself, a person's life is nothing more than that.

Mother was the last to know the news.

After she knew it, she didn't cry or make trouble, but just sat quietly in the small courtyard. By then, her temples had already turned white.

She smiled slightly and said to me: "You, in the future, treat the person you like better. If that person hurts your heart badly for you once, you will never make it up again."

I nodded and agreed, without telling her that I would never meet someone I like.

She sighed again: "If there is someone who likes you, if you don't like them, don't give them hope. No matter how others like you, their hearts will grow."

I knew she was talking about her and her father.

The day my mother left, the weather was still very cold.

Every year on my birthday, she cooks longevity noodles for me, wishing me a long life.

In fact, when I was eating noodles, I was thinking, if I can really live a long life, then how should I spend the rest of my life.

I thought to myself, this is probably the way I will be in my life.

I went to see my mother that day, and I also wanted to tell her that the weather has been so cold recently, remember to add more clothes.

It's just that there is no life in the room.

She shouldn't have been walking for long, and her body hasn't completely stiffened and cooled down yet.

When she left, she was still so gentle and quiet.

Her life passed like this.

I don't remember whether I cried at that time, but I know that no one will cook longevity noodles for me in the future.

When I was 29 years old, I had already done a good job in the company.

In fact, those five years were not long. I worked every day and worked overtime, and a day passed quickly.

I have nothing else to do anyway.

I just realized that I am more and more like my father.

Everyone in the company respects me and fears me, and it's not that I haven't heard people talking behind my back that I'm too strict and indifferent.

Just like I thought my father was then.

I still can't escape this ending.

I have also tried to associate with a few girls. They wore exquisite makeup and ladylike skirts, and sat in a western restaurant to have dinner with me dignifiedly. Gentle, these are what many men like, but I don't like them.

Later, a very interesting college student pursued me. She was pure and lively. I thought I would try again for the last time. Unexpectedly, we got along well, but once she acted like a baby to me and asked me to buy diamonds for her. I didn’t Promise, she was very upset, shouting that you don't love me.

I find it ridiculous.Diamonds represent love?

I remember that my mother had a jewelry box, which contained many things, including the dowry she brought back then, and a gift from her father-a set of diamond jewelry.I've seen her open that box once, and when she opened it, the room was filled with white light, it was extravagant and beautiful to the extreme, but her mother said it was the only gift her father gave her, and she also said that if she wanted to, she would give a piece of it. Glass is good, but diamonds are the last thing you can promise.

I find it boring.

After that, I never had the idea of ​​interacting with other people.

Many years ago I asked my mother what it was like, and she explained it, which I didn't understand then.

In fact, my mother also said a word, that is, when you are with the person you like, you are happy in whatever you do.

What I didn't understand then, I understand now.

It's a pity that if you don't understand it now, you will never have the chance to understand it in the future.