365 Difficult Ways To Live

My name is Xia Yihan, this is not my real name, but after using it for so long, I almost forgot my original name.

My name is Mu Han, Mu of Mu, Han of Han Bing.

The teacher said, my mother gave me a good name, and she was laughing at me.

LOL I'm different.

When did I realize I was different?

Probably in the second grade classroom, there was SpongeBob SquarePants on the screen, and the yellow-haired cake in shorts asked everywhere: Am I ugly?Am I ugly?All the classmates were hahahaha, or quack quack, but the teacher thought I fell asleep with my eyes open.

Maybe it was handing out the test papers, the teacher handed them out one by one, and the deskmate suddenly turned to me and said: I am so nervous, are you nervous?I nod.I learned the word nervous.

It may also be that when crossing the road, a private car ran over the cat to death, and it just passed by me. In the next second, it condensed into a flowery fur on the ground, mixed with splashing liquid.Dad ran and hugged me to the side of the road, and asked: Didn't it scare you? I saw his face turned pale, and felt that he was about to cry from fright.

I found that human is a troublesome animal with many emotions, which are classified in the textbook: "Happy", with a picture of a child grinning; "Surprise", with a picture of a child celebrating his birthday; "Sad", The accompanying picture is a child who scored 59 points in the test.

The teacher gave us a demonstration. When she mentioned the word surprise, her expression was exaggerated, her eyes could be filled with copper bells, her mouth could be filled with eggs, and the movements of her hands were changing every second: "Imagine your birthday, and mom and dad prepared it for you. As soon as you open the gift, you find that it is something you have wanted for a long time."

The students in the class laughed and discussed on twitter.

Later, I learned the word "heart blindness". Imagine an apple, some people can draw a still life oil painting in their minds, and some people's minds are blank without any color outline.

The teacher let us experience the emotions when we received the gift, and my body went blank.

Although I am not rare, but sometimes I wonder what it feels like.

Sometimes when I walk on the street and see the people around me beaming, downcast, expressionless, and anxious, I feel that we are in the same sea, they are swimming, and the sea water surrounds them, separating and closing with their movements, I was also in the sea, but there was ice around me, and I couldn't swim, so I stayed in the ice.

Sometimes the people around me swim too much, and the sea water ripples are dense, and when they reach the ice layer, I can feel a little vibration, but it's only a little bit, and it's fleeting.

Learning about emotions has been a hassle for me.First of all, I have to memorize nouns, and then memorize the corresponding expressions, as well as people's reactions.

Sometimes I misremember.

When she was four years old, her mother's puppy died. She opened her eyes wide, barked "Yeah", and walked around the kennel.

I walked over and said to her: I know this is a surprise!

My mother's eyes widened and her mouth opened, watching me speechless.She was even more surprised.

But I don't do it all by rote, I can feel excited and angry.

When I was a child, my mother played hide and seek with me. I hid in the closet and waited for her to search for it. My muscles danced, from the strands of my hair to my toenails. I huddled in the coat with my eyes closed. I heard the beating of my own heart—that was the sound of excitement.

Later, my mother refused to play games with me. I hid in the closet and waited for a long time, but the door didn't open. That feeling was gone.

My mother refused to hug me anymore, she likes children, I saw that she bought a lot of fairy tale books, as well as baby raising books, magazine after magazine, printed with children big and small, her front teeth came out from laughing—all Not as cute as me, and not as pretty as me.

Mom hugs other people's babies, puppies, and pillows, but she doesn't hug me.

I thought it was because of the smell on my body, so I rubbed it vigorously in the shower. After washing, I saw that my arms were red, and smelled it, it was fragrant.

But I am fragrant, she still does not hug.

When I got home from school, I got off the school bus and saw a fat girl on the lawn. Her mother was leading her and walking into the community. She twisted her body and started crying: Mom, I want to eat pizza, eat pizza.

Then her mother agreed to her and took her to the street.

I looked at the way the fat girl was bouncing around, and I got angry.

She is obviously older than me, why is her mother holding her hand and taking her out for pizza!

Is it because she can act like a baby?

I thought: If I act like a baby, will my mother hug me?

I took the girl's movements and tone of voice, rehearsed it in my head, and walked home.

When I got home, I found my mother lying on the dining room floor. She looked serene, her eyelashes tightly closed, and she didn't even blink.

She died, that was her body.

I took her hand and said: Mom, let's go eat pizza.

She ignored me, as before, didn't look for me, didn't hug me, didn't talk to me.

I went back to my room, started to do my homework, and I didn't want to eat pizza.

After my mother was carried away, there was no mother in the house, and the feeling of excitement was gone.

There is also a father in the family. His mother died, and he was very sad. I have seen him cry, like a Shar Pei, with drooping eyes and eyebrows, and his eyes fell down.

Dad misses me so much, I can feel it.He always wants to take me out to play, take me to eat good food, and buy me new clothes. Every time he finishes, he will ask: Xiaohan, are you happy?

I said happy.

If happiness is nothing to feel.

When I celebrate my birthday, he always rushes back, carrying a box of cakes, and he even prepared a gift for me. I don't quite understand his aesthetics.

In the past, when my mother bought me clothes, I felt like a little princess. Later, when my father bought me clothes, I felt like a pet dog.

I want to say to him: I don't want a gift, you can return my mother to me.

But I didn't say it all the time, for fear that he would be like a Shar Pei again, with his eyes and eyebrows wrinkled and tears falling down.

But this idea later changed.

Dad sent me away and sent me to Chenyang. He said he was too busy to take good care of me, so he asked my aunt and uncle to take care of me.

In Chenyang, I celebrated my birthday again, the gift I want has changed, I don't want my mother back, I want my father back.

So I went back to Wangjiang to look for him, but he disappeared, and I searched for a long time.

Later I found him next to the locust tree in Huaxieting. He was lying in the pit, dirty and messy, with his eyelashes tightly closed like his mother's.

I dug the dirt off his face, and I said: Dad, let's go eat cake.

He also ignored me, he obviously liked talking to me before.

I was angry, even more angry than when Xiaomei died.

Because I saw the murderer clearly, there were five of them, and they dug a hole together to bury Dad.

Maybe I don't understand other emotions, but I understand anger, and because of anger, I can do a lot of things.

At the same time, I am very fortunate that I have no other redundant emotions.

They are a nuisance to me.

In the orphanage, whipping hurts but doesn't frighten me, knife and gun makes me bleed but doesn't make me retreat.

Killing and brawling excite me, and in the ring, every nerve in me is jumping for joy.

The man with the ponytail always thought he could knock me down, he's an idiot, he doesn't know that I have nothing to fear.

He should have killed me instead of torturing me because torturing would make me angry and would only make me stronger than him.

Revenge is a good thing, it makes me angry and it turns me on at the same time.

I want to put a knife on each murderer and carve acacia flowers on their bodies. I feel like I am cutting pizza and making cakes.

Their fear is mixed with the smell of blood, sweet and delicious.

But they are just side dishes for the Teeth Ceremony, the real main dish is the head of the Superman Department, I was very excited from the first time I saw her.

I looked at her jaw, her neck, where the carotid arteries were, and I could see the pulse of her arteries.

I was very excited when I thought of revenge and choking her neck.

But what excites me the most is her tracking.

She always follows me, looking for me everywhere, no matter where I go, she will follow closely.

Is she playing hide and seek with me?

Will she hug me when she finds me?

Every time I carve acacia flowers, I get more excited, and I think: I left a reminder, and she will follow soon!

But this also has its disadvantages. In Wuhuai, there was a person who imitated the crime and carved Sophora japonica flowers, so she followed him and circled around that person.

I'm mad, why is she looking for someone else

So I went there myself and brought her with me.

In the rental house with her, she has always looked kind and harmless, like a soft alpaca, with soft ears and soft body, because she knows that if she loses her temper, I will break her neck.

So she pretended to be friendly and kept on good terms with me.

She's also smart and keeps trying to get in touch with her cronies.

Satisfied after successfully stabbing four killers, I plan to take a spin at Superman myself.

So I was caught and fell into her magic lair.

She took me to a villa, a mysterious place, a perfect place for lynching.

She put electronic handcuffs on me, but if I moved fast enough, I could have wiped her neck and made the whole room red with blood.

I think, restraining me, it's time for her to reveal her true colors.

I guess she'll press the shock button, put me in the torture chair, feed me chilli water, and call me a bastard.

That's good, I can break her neck without hesitation.

But she didn't. She sent me flowers, took me to dance, and cooked me food. At first I thought there was poison in the food, but later I found out that she ate more than me.

She kept laughing, pretending to be gentle and considerate,

I think she is such a hypocritical woman.

What's more, she is not dedicated to her work, doesn't concentrate on talking to me, doesn't concentrate on brainwashing me, and keeps running outside.

I got angry again, I hid it, and if she didn't keep looking at me, I wouldn't let her see it.

Later, she took me back to her lair, and I thanked her very much, which confirmed my thoughts. In the building that seemed to have no entrance, there was indeed a hidden world, and it was full of large and small machines.

She is finally going to do it, she is going to persecute me mentally.

I can wring her neck again!

But she just put the helmet on me and asked me a few simple questions.

Later her father came, namely Chu Dongren. At that time, I almost forgot who Chu Dongren was. I seemed to have forgotten to take revenge, and my attention was all on her.

Chu Dongren told me that she and him are the closest people and also the people who like each other the most.

I got angry, I stood up, and I wanted to tear his mouth open.

But she stood in his way, and if I went by, she would stop me.

Why does she care so much about him?

I thought about it for a long time, and I figured it out, it was her father.She didn't know what he did, but even if she knew, he was still her father.

Someone killed my father, and my anger has never disappeared.

If I killed her father, she would be as angry as I am.

I call her "sister, sister" every day, but she is not her sister, and I want to kill her father in the end.

She will be furious.

What will happen to me if she yells at me, if she curses at me, if she slaps me, if she puts me in jail?

It's okay, I'm not afraid, I'm not sad, I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid of anything, it's my greatest weapon, it's what I'm most proud of.

But since that day, I developed a novel feeling, I don’t know what it’s called, but I’m not feeling well, I feel uncomfortable, I clearly feel that it’s not a cold, not a fever, nor the influence of outside temperature and humidity, it’s just my chest cavity Suffering from within.

When the ponytail man broke my arm in the orphanage, when Tarzan smashed my brains out on stage, and when the flames devoured my body in the crematorium, I didn't feel that bad.

The closer I got to the completion of the revenge plan, the more uncomfortable I became.I can control how things unfold, but I can no longer control how I feel.

She told me a story.

A raw fairy tale.

The witch in the fairy tale is a big fool. She took the girl in, fed her, made her a robe, and talked with her, but the girl ran away without looking back.

Because that witch is ugly and strange, very much like me.I can't empathize with other people, but I understand that witch.

It’s as if my heart doesn’t grow inside the chest cavity, it grows outside, and it’s priceless. When people around see it, they will snatch my heart away, and then there will be a piece of chest cavity that can be touched by reaching in.

So I began to understand that it was her who made me feel uncomfortable.

After my mother died, I saw another child outside the community. His mother was about to take the toy away from him.

Why are you crying?Why are you so stupid?

If you don't want that toy, don't treat it as your own, wouldn't it be fine?

I'm so sad, I've been trying to get over it, so finally I decided, I don't want her.

I don't want her to pay attention to me, I don't want her to hug me, I don't want her to cook me food, I don't want her to play hide-and-seek with me, I don't want her to talk to me.

I don't want her anymore.

But she didn't know, she thought we were all right, she thought I would always call her sister.

She will always smile at me and treat me well.

I stabbed her with a knife and caused chaos in the whole hospital.I want to drive her away, she can't be so good to me anymore, otherwise I can't help but think that I will go home with her and we will always be together.

After escaping from the hospital, I was thinking, at this time, we should all be cleaned up and smell delicious, and we would lie on the bed together, and she would tell me stories again and accompany me to sleep.

If it wasn't for me, I wouldn't want her.

It's good that she didn't ignore me or leave me.

I made a wise choice because I was free from suffering and could focus on revenge again.

After the revenge is complete, I can completely get rid of her control.

But she's a haunting goblin and always follows me.

Hua Xie court trial, I need to focus, I need to play steadily, everything was fine, but she came, she said she loves me, she wants to take me home.

She coaxed me.At that time, I felt that I was safe in this world, and there were people who wanted me to live and hope that I could live well.

When I was carving acacia flowers, my hands shook, and I started to feel uncomfortable again.

She stood by the door and said she loved me and was going to take me home, but when I walked out of that door, she was going to leave me.

At that time, I was so eager to go to prison. The prison has four walls and a metal door. It is a solid box. I can put the heart that grows outside the chest cavity into the box, and no one can take it away.

I feel safe.

I don't feel angry anymore, I don't get excited anymore, but I got one thing in exchange - I don't feel bad anymore.

But she refused to let me go.

She keeps coming to me, her expression is very strange, and her voice is also very strange. I have seen countless people and heard countless voices. I can already distinguish their emotions accurately, but I can't read her.

Her face was pale, her voice was soft, and she contained too many things, like a thin page, filled with words, beyond my comprehension.

She seemed happy, sad, excited, and decadent.

She said: Xiaohan, you talk to me.

At that moment, I thought I was dead, and she took my hand and said: Let's go eat pizza.

Later, she didn't come to me, but she stood outside the room, like a tree with green leaves that could cast a shadow, but with criss-cross wounds on the trunk.

Why doesn't she go?Why are you still there?

I thought: Mom is gone.

Xiaomei left.

Dad is gone.

Why doesn't she go?

I saw her shadow outside, I wanted to stand on tiptoes, and said to her through the iron railing: You go, leave here, don’t come back, no one here will accompany you to eat pizza, no one will accompany you to buy cakes, and no one will accompany you. People will pick bougainvillea with you, this is an empty house, you go, don't come back.

Don't come back or you'll be abandoned and you'll be hurt.