Cannon fodder "attack" development system

It wasn't until the last moment that he realized that all of this, all these emotions, love or hate, all of this from beginning to end, was nothing but his own wishful thinking.All his struggles were nothing but delusions, and the ridiculous thing was that he believed it to be true. Thinking about it, in the eyes of that person, he was probably just a dirty buffoon from beginning to end.

It would be fine if he hated him all the time, and he should have hated that person in the first place. He had clearly warned himself so severely, why didn't he follow it?In the final analysis, everything is a cocoon.So those previous struggles became ridiculous, and even the momentary joy was a joke.

It is because I want to have something that I shouldn't have, so there is an abyss of desire in my heart; the hatred that I have repeatedly engraved in the day is just trying to pull it as a cover; but staring at the abyss for too long, I stumbled and fell to pieces— —So this is beyond redemption, and it is his own fault.

Blame, from, from, take.

As he read these four words, he suddenly tasted a bit of blood in his mouth, like the scarlet cinnabar paint on the tip of the pen falling on the rice paper, completely permeating and spreading.

On the fourth day after everyone lost all news of Song Guan, Zhang You was taken to the Li family's home, but apart from restricted movement, there seemed to be nothing else.Someone asked, but it was just an ordinary inquiry, and this inquiry was just because he was Song Guan's last contact, so he was more cautious.At this time, no one in the Li family contacted him about Song Guan's disappearance.

He is the only person in this room who knows that Song Guan is actually dead.The setting sun fell through the window, and the floor was illuminated red, and the fresh color seemed to have knocked over the paint.A flock of dark gray birds flew by in the sky not far away. He stood by the window and watched quietly, thinking that Song Guan's body had been burned to ashes, and nothing would be left for others.Fourteen days later, Uncle Yun came to ask questions.This man, who used to pay too much attention to his image and even tidied his collar for a long time, looked tired now.Li Moyun's eyes were bloodshot, his beard was unshaven, and he was a bit depressed.

"Why?" Uncle Yun looked over with complicated eyes.

From the very beginning, Zhang You never thought that his actions could be hidden from the Li family.He closed the book in his hand, his pale fingers resting on the black cover.White is white, black is black, very clear.It was the Holmes Reader.Sixteen speeches and essays of various lengths, I may not like this book much, but there is a sentence in it that he will never forget after a glance-the desire of your soul is the prophet of your destiny.

He pressed the book, faced Uncle Yun's question, and finally only raised the corners of his lips, like a self-deprecating, lowered his eyes, slightly bent his index finger on the cover of the book, and did not speak again.

There was nothing to say at first.There is nothing to tell others about his relationship with Song Guan.Fourteen plus four is eighteen, eighteen days. The time for the Li family to discover all this was a bit longer than he imagined.He has been involved with Mr. Chen, and he is now so completely undisguised to fuel the flames. The Li family found that what he did was inevitable.

In the previous plan, regarding Song Guan, it was a careful trap step by step, so that Song Guan could die at the hands of that Mr. Chen without leaving any traces, and he had no reason to do so.Originally, he had little to do with Mr. Chen, he was just an outsider.Originally, he was young, so what he said to Mr. Chen naturally didn't carry much weight.It's just that Mr. Chen is really easy to incite, his mind is so easy to guess and so easy to deceive, it will become irrational when it comes to Song Guan's fourth uncle Li Duanyun, and the fourth uncle who obviously likes Song Guan can't help it Know.

The 14-year-old Zhang You can use some false words, some specious "facts" painted in color, which attracted that Mr. Chen to turn his murderous intentions on Song Guan.Speaking of it, he has always been good at guessing other people's minds.This is probably also "attributed" to the deeds of "Song Guan" back then.The Chen family was almost annexed by the Li family. Most of the people who were in charge are gone now, and there is only one Mr. Chen left.It is inevitable that this big family surnamed Chen, who once hid their hands from the business world for a long time, will be doomed.But this had nothing to do with him, he never really wanted to do anything for that Mr. Chen—or in other words, what he wanted was never related to that one person.

"You all know." Zhang You pushed the book on the table away, then turned his head slightly, his eyes were dark and emotionless, and his expression could even be said to be indifferent, "It should be Figure out how to deal with me."

"Did Song Guan treat you badly?"

Uncle Yun's words are questioning.

Does Song Guan treat him well?Is it not good?Zhang You discovered that this problem seemed really unsolvable to him.There is no answer to the unsolvable question, and some sharp emotions in my heart are aroused by this question, "Yes." Zhang You hooked the corner of his mouth, "He is very good to me, so good that I can't help it - want to Kill him." He said this with a bit of malice, and the words were half true, "One day, there will be more things in his eyes and heart, won't he? Other people, things , things, and there will be no place for me at that time—then let him die now, at least when he dies now, his heart will not be occupied by other more things."

Uncle Yun's face turned pale, and after a long time he said, "Where's his corpse?"

"Burned."

The room was silent, and after a while, Li Moyun asked in a hoarse voice: "The ashes..."

"Fall down." Zhang You laughed.This smile has nothing to do with sorrow or joy, but the eyebrows and eyes of the smile are bent, so it looks half-true, "Pour it into the toilet, just flush it away."

After hearing this sentence, Li Moyun's expression was a little blank, his lips trembled twice, and he didn't say anything in the end.The evening sun had no warmth, and cut people's sights gently. In the end, Uncle Yun stood silently for a moment, and after the silence, he only handed the document that he had been holding in his hand to Zhang You.After he left, Zhang picked up the document with one hand. Li Moyun's reaction was strange, probably because there were not many words on the document. In fact, there were only a few words to read.After watching it, he thought everything was ridiculous.He is the son of Li Moyun.No wonder so.No wonder so.

He covered his face with his hands and laughed, and with this truth came a deeper coldness, which was probably his illusion, but he really felt as if there were fine and dense tingling along his limbs The hundreds of bones spread out, making him almost out of breath.Various images emerged from the surroundings. It was a photo he saw at Mr. Chen. It was an old picture. It should be a charitable donation. On the person who is called the fourth uncle, the eyes seem to be deep and focused that I have never realized.Mr. Chen gritted his teeth looking at this photo, copied many copies, and smeared Song Guan's face in a mess.When he looked at the photo, he had a strange feeling.There was a subtle feeling that I couldn't describe, as if a paw had been scratched in my heart.

In fact, most of the things that Mr. Chen told about Song Guan and the fourth master of the Li family were made up by him himself, but the "conclusive evidence" in the end is really surprising.He was a little helpless.When I got home, I saw Song Guan biting potato chips and laughing at the computer. When he saw him coming back, his eyes lit up. He jumped off the stool and flopped his hair twice. He asked, "Did you bring me food?" She looked expectant, as if she was just waiting for food to be fed.He paused, it was a little difficult to connect the person in front of him with the person in the photo who was staring at him with a bit of affection.

Speaking of which, he has probably never understood Song Guan, whether it is the past, present, or future.Then the scene changed and it was him one time when he came out of Li’s house, the sky was baby blue, and the doorman of Li’s house was always an elderly man, with hydrangeas blooming behind him, the old man looked at him and smiled, and said, he always felt that Master Zhang The same person looks a lot like him, but he still can't tell who he looks like. When the young master looked at the hydrangea just now, he realized that he is very similar to fourth master.After saying this sentence, he paused, the old man looked a little embarrassed, he just said, it's just nonsense, Master Zhang, don't take what I said to heart.

Some time before his birthday, he inadvertently found a diary in the storage room. Song Guan's is probably old, and it has been placed for a long time. Dust has accumulated, and the paper has turned yellow. Because this diary surfaced.There are still some childish fonts, each article is very short, with a few sentences, and unknown titles.For example, "He said he took it out to play today, and he waited for a long time, and finally he canceled it because of something", "I am very happy to receive the Four Treasures of the Study on my birthday", these are very trivial things, which are recorded every day, and then there was a long break , when it appeared again, it was "He is getting married, a girl from the Song family", and the next one was "I pushed her down, and I don't regret being beaten".

His hands trembled as he flipped through the diary. He also heard about that incident back then. Uncle Song Guan was originally going to be engaged to a girl from the Song family, but the woman slipped and fell from the second floor and broke a leg. Let this matter go.This diary records an unspeakable secret, what kind of feelings are hidden under the plain, almost dull words.He thought of that old photo in Mr. Chen's, the expression that was frozen in a moment, the eternity of a moment.He obviously didn't want to read any more, but he read them all like masochistic.

A woman appears in the second half of the diary, and the length of each entry here becomes steeper, all of which are Song Guan's own guesses about that woman, guessing what that woman will be doing at a certain point in time, no one's What will it look like in time, such a long text, full of tenderness, affection, lingering and lingering, but he only remembers one sentence in it-"Her profile looks very similar to him".When he read this sentence, his fingers scratched a deep mark on the paper because of too much force, and a kind of blank fear slowly climbed into his heart, as if following the track of hatred back then, the branches stretched out. Come on, soft and weak, and so firmly entangle him, one step deep and one step shallow, enveloping his whole heart, airtight, like a chrysalis, even breathing is difficult.

—— "She actually had a child. She only had a child that year."

——"So it's just an angel's face."

……

—“I found the kid.”

——"It's ugly. The ugliest thing in this room is this child. I can't believe that this is the child of those two people."

……

— "Same as his mother."

——“Now thinking about what she is like, I feel a little sick.”

——"When I pushed him into the water today, he didn't move. I thought he was dead. If he really died, it would be very troublesome to deal with it later. Actually, it's quite boring to do this, really boring Yes, just to pass the time."

……

——"He actually grows more and more like him."

--"Can't."

——"I really want him to die today."

— "Just a son of a bitch."

……

Seventeen arrives.What he always remembers is the kiss when he was 17 years old, the face, expression, and eyebrows that he couldn't see clearly in the dark.But such a careful kiss.Song Guan had never kissed him, that was the first and only time.When he kissed him, he thought it was wishful thinking, only to find out in the end that all this was just his wishful thinking, so it was just his one-man show.He said that Mr. Chen couldn't see through his own mind, so how could he see through his own mind.

He has always seen others clearly, but he can't see through himself, and blindly avoids it, only telling himself not to think, not to think, not to think.In the past, the killing of Song Guan was always delayed again and again. It was obvious that there were several times when the timing was just right, why there was no result?Maybe he should ask himself, Zhang You, is the time really not here, or is it just that you don't want the time to come?

When that kind of feeling started and when it deteriorated, even he himself couldn't tell.The first lustful dream that year was about that person, and he almost collapsed after waking up.How could he have such thoughts about that person, how could he.The spring that was almost overflowing in the dream made people blush in retrospect. At that time, he was sure, or he just wanted to be sure, he definitely didn't like Song Guan—if he really liked it, how could he? There is such profanity.

Probably because of his early memories, things related to the word "desire" always make him faintly sick, and the feelings he expected should be as clean as a piece of white paper.So it's definitely not like Song Guan.The appearance of Mr. Chen gave an opportunity to kill Song Guan, but how much did this thought deviate from the original intention, and how much did he hide to escape—if Song Guan died, would he not have to think about everything?Because that person himself is gone, then everything will also disappear, love and hatred will be empty, and everything will return to dust.

He hated him, hated him, he kept saying this to himself, but all the psychological construction, all the psychological hints, were ultimately worthless for a close relationship between lips and teeth.He sometimes wonders what kind of evil he has fallen into. That kiss at the age of 17 can make him give up everything he once thought was unforgivable. Even after reading that diary, he wants to pretend to be something. occur.

But it would be nice if nothing happened.If only nothing happened.But in the end everything has happened.It must be bewitched.At that time, after reading the entire diary, he was able to say to himself that the words recorded were just the past.In the light and shadow obliquely cut into the window, he can clearly see the appearance of dust floating in the air. Sitting in the storage room, he said to himself in the dim light, he doesn't want the past, he just wants the present.The voice was very low, speaking for himself.He said, I don't want the past, I just want the present, I just want the future.

So humble, humble to the dust.He held onto this thought like a drowning man climbing a piece of driftwood.On his birthday, he saw Song Guan's disgusted expression in the video recorded by the camera.In the video, Song Guan is holding his clothes, as if he saw something terribly dirty.There was a blank in the brain for a moment, and the blood seemed to be retrograde.Song view.Song view.Song view.He seemed to hear the sound of his own world being dismembered bit by bit, and his teeth were cold.

——"He looks more and more like him."

——"I really want him to die."

- "Bitch of a bitch".

--"nausea".

……

Countless voices overlapped in my mind to form a stinging busy tone, which permeated through the blood of the skin and penetrated into every cell.Those who didn't care about those who used to care about, those memory pictures came back from the dead, and his whole body trembled when he thought about it.If there had never been any hope, then when faced with all this, he would not hate him so much.Have you ever loved and hated someone this much?

The end of the road can only end in death.

This was a belated kill, he finally killed Song Guan with the help of Mr. Chen.When looking at Song Guan's body, he felt a sense of relief.In the gloomy light, the corpse's pale face and traces of blood, he closed his eyes and lowered his head to put his forehead against Song Guan's side face, the room was as silent as death, this posture was like the way Song Guan hugged him when he was sick Yes, at that time he liked to put his arms around Song Guan's neck, and then put his forehead against Song Guan's side face.The temperature that was once warm is now only a cold, breathless body.And his heart was surprisingly peaceful, as if his long-cherished wish for many years had finally come true.

It's good that you finally died.Death cut off everything, and it also closely linked the two of them. Song Guan died because of him, and when he thought about this sentence, he felt a sickly sweetness.A kind of intimacy about death.

This person died without words, he no longer had to guess what this person was thinking, how this person looked at him, whether he hated him, despised him, or pretended to be someone else in his heart. Song Guan finally belongs to him completely.What could be a more complete possession than death?Song Guan's body was cremated to ashes. Mr. Chen handed over the box containing the ashes to him. He held the box and stood under the tree. In the scorching summer, the sun was smashed by the leaves and scattered all over the ground. Like a torrential rain, a little ashes were stained between his fingers and sent into his mouth, which had no taste. He closed his eyes, and the sunlight fell on his eyelids, so the goal was to be ironed into reddish black by the light.

This person gave him darkness, but at the same time gave him light.But in the end there was nothing left, only a handful of ashes.However, this ending is also good.He thought, Song Guan died in his hands and dissolved in his heart, such an ending is also good.However, that person hadn't finished melting the last piece of wreckage in his heart, and was dug out so bloody again.A piece of paper, he is Uncle Yun's son.Then some things suddenly became clear, such as the sentence in the diary "I can't believe that this is the child of those two people", for example, in the past, he didn't understand why when Uncle Yun came, he always had to be in Song Dynasty. Watching the hands of more crimes.He is Uncle Yun's son, and Song Guan knows his life experience, and has always known it.

He remembered when Song Guan first adopted him, in the orphanage. At that time, he was ignorant, and the atmosphere in the orphanage was tense. He only knew that some important guests were coming, but he felt that this incident It has nothing to do with him, he is considered old, and seven years old is not a good age for adoption, because the child at this time has already remembered things, and he is not good-looking, and he has been suffering from lack of food and malnutrition for many years. Thin and skinny, his eyes are very big, because the eyes are too thin, the eyes are more abrupt, and he looks a little scary at first glance.

At that time, for him, he didn't care about the guests who would come the next day, because adoption was nothing to do with him. There were so many people coming and going, and there were always a few lucky ones who were adopted. He used to So envious and secretly thinking that it would be good if he was the one who was taken away. This thought was said by accident once, and then he was severely laughed at by other children. If anyone would adopt him, he must be blind. Since then He never thought about it again, probably he himself agrees with this view.So about tomorrow, he just had some expectations, thinking about what the guests would bring to eat.

The next day he saw Song Guan and Uncle Yun, the sun was shining brightly at that time, and in his memory many years later, the appearance of that boy is always as clear as yesterday.Old bricks and tiles, the man was wearing a white shirt and had black hair.After Song Guan asked the dean what he said, his eyes fell on him thoughtfully, he smiled and said to the people beside him, "It's him." The heartbeat accelerated suddenly and violently, as if it was about to jump out of the chest cavity.

When we met for the first time, Song Guan stretched out his hand to him. At that time, he held his breath. He wanted to hold the man's hand, but he stopped again, because he remembered that his hands were a little dirty, a shameful and sad feeling. Feeling came to his mind, the sudden happiness made him at a loss, he thought how could he touch that person with his dirty hands.

so clean.

He didn't know what to do. The dean's expression was a bit ugly, and he coughed heavily. He recovered in a hurry, and the person on the opposite side bent slightly and looked at him with a smile. He wiped his hand on his clothes twice, finally stretched out cautiously, and held the other's hand, not even daring to use force, just touching it lightly, as if it was something extremely precious and should be treated with care.Uncle Yun on the side said to Song Guan: "You have a unique vision." After a pause, he laughed, "I am still a child, I really don't understand what you are thinking." After a while, he touched his chin and said , "Now you are not old enough to adopt, why don't you put the child in my name for now." When Song Guan heard this sentence, his expression became a little strange. After a long silence, he laughed and said, " good."

In fact, everything has been wrong since then.

Everything is wrong.

He has never seen through Song Guan, not at all in the past 11 years.It's as if he doesn't understand why Song Guan wants to do those things to him, but treat him well.Song Guan is really strange, it seems that before going to bed, he must put fruit on his body and pour yogurt to eat it so that he can go to sleep with peace of mind. At first, his expression was painful, as if he had eaten something terrible, but later he gradually became expressionless. Then it gradually became solemn, as if some solemn ceremony was being held.

Sometimes he really thinks there might be something wrong with his head.What did Song Guan think of him in his heart? This question had such a clear answer when he saw the paper document.That person saw him as a joke, just as an existence to pass the time, and all he suffered was just a secret and random malicious revenge from that person.Just like the name this person gave him back then, the nickname, "Jianren".The man said that it takes ten years to build a tree and a hundred years to build a man.Really?It was nothing more than a malicious mockery.

He remembered many things.Like the bitter sweetness brought by a kiss in the dark.At that time, there was a thought of growing old with Song Guan.He will be so old that his teeth will fall out, his body and face will be wrinkled and wrinkled, his eyes will not be able to see clearly, and even walking will be difficult. Thinking about such a scene seems a bit bad, but as long as he thinks of this person by his side, everything seems to change. dyed with a layer of warm light.That's called growing old from the first age, it's an old saying, hold your hand.Another example is when he was sick, he was in a daze, and he called out "Dad" softly, and someone beside him patted him on the back when he heard the words, "I'm here." That person said I was here, so he listened With this sentence, you can really sleep peacefully without thinking about anything.

Once trapped on the top of the wall, I forgot why, in short, he was half-sitting on the wall. He could keep his face on the jumping machine in the amusement park, but because of such a small height, his face turned pale, and Song Guan laughed underneath. He thumped the wall: "Are you afraid of this?" That look of anger made his hands itch so much that he wanted to do something, such as take off his shoes and slap the other person's face directly.Finally, Song Guan laughed enough, so he just stood under the wall with his arms open, the sunlight falling on him was a gentle color, Song Guan still had a smile on his face: "Jump down, I'll follow you." In such a moment, all the scenes are eclipsed. Holmes' book says "the desire of your soul is the prophet of your destiny", which is the throbbing of the unknown.

So many memories are empty in the end.

Holding the paternity certificate in his hand, he tore it up bit by bit, biting the scraps of paper, swallowing them all, swallowing them, wishing to let all of them rot in his stomach like this, and never be reborn forever .

When we met for the first time many years ago, the wall was covered with dark green and light green brocade, and the boy in the white shirt smiled lightly.Zhang You has never told anyone that he liked that person the first time he saw him.

At that time, the sun was shining brightly, and the unknown fragrance of flowers was secretly floating in the air. The young man in front of Zhang You was standing under the old wall, watching him smile, but it was different from the smile on his face. The young man thought casually and disgustedly in his heart Look, this is really an ugly dirty child, really ugly.

【End of the show】