the truth

I'mfindingwaystomanipulatethefeelin'you'regoin'through

But baby I'm not blamin' you

Justdon'tblamemetooyeah don't blame me

'CauseIcan'ttakethispainforever 'Cause I can't take this pain forever

Andyouwon'tfindnoonethat'sbetter

'CauseI' mrightforyoubabe because you and I are made for each other

I think I'm right for you babe

"Sometimes I also wonder if it would be different if I met you earlier. I also wonder, how can anyone never get bored? As long as I wait, I can always wait for you."

——Night

It seemed as if he had slept for a long, long time, waking up and falling asleep from one bizarre dream after another. The scenes in the dreams were very fragmented, some were related to him, and some had nothing to do with him.Those happy or sad stories made people intoxicated and uneasy, and when they finally woke up, they saw that there was no one around them, and there was a silent room behind them.

The absurdity of last night is still vivid in my mind, and I can vaguely feel the warmth disappearing from my arms in the morning. Kongphop knows that he has done something stupid, and he is sober and collapses, but at the same time he is happily addicted.

It has been nearly a month since they separated, and he is very afraid, very afraid that after a few more "months" that are worse than death, that person's body will have to adapt to life without him first.So it's fine as it is now, as long as he still remembers himself, he will do whatever it takes.

After eating the cold breakfast that person left for him, Kongphop began to try to do something to distract himself.He fiddled with the few half-dead flowers and plants on the balcony, opened the window to let the evening wind blow into the window lattice, and some moist air made him feel comfortable. Kongphop looked at the dark sky in the distance, thinking that it had started to fall again. It's raining.

Since when has there been a change between them?

The sense of uncertainty about each other gradually and clearly exists between each other. Many times Kongphop wants to ask, but he is also uncertain, and he also has some concerns. He doesn't know how to express it, and he doesn't know how to choose the right opportunity to express it.In this constant hesitation, he missed the opportunity to be honest again and again.

In their previous love, both of them were very courageous, and Arthit was indeed a contradictory person, but it was obvious that he loved him enough, even though he was contradictory, he never made a wrong choice.And myself... From the first sight, Kongphop never stopped chasing Arthit.

But it's meaningless to say these things now, even if things turn around, the shackles between two people will still trap their hearts.

The people around them can still feel that the contradiction between the two of them is more than that, and his lover who knows Arthit best can't find out without reason, can't he?

In fact, the crux of the matter is that he has a rough guess, but just like Arthit's entanglement and pain, the answer he can give may not satisfy both parties, and may even hurt more people. Such a choice is definitely not what Arthit wants. need.

What's more, regardless of the truth or not, Kongphop knows that this time, he really hurt his lover.

The story starts from the very beginning.

"I just came home from a business trip, and I was already very tired. But when I got home, I found that he was not at home. I remember that he had no classes at school that day. Although my reason told me that he would have a normal social life, I still cared a little bit. , "Arthit's dazed appearance was unexpectedly cute, and Night, who listened carefully to the memories, couldn't control himself from being distracted.

"Then, you found out that he was absent at night again and again?"

"No, he didn't stay out all night." The person nestled on the sofa paused, "He was accompanying another woman for a prenatal checkup."

"What???" Night's eyes widened in disbelief, and for the first time, there was a hint of fear in his eyes when he looked at Arthit.

"Yes, you heard that right." Arthit glanced in the direction of the voice, then turned his head and continued to look out of the window, "I got a call from my friend M not long after I got home. His wife was not pregnant at the time. It seems unstable for three months, and he is not at home, but fortunately our two families are close to each other,"

"Near here?"

"The house near the school."

"Oh, you go on."

"I drove her to the hospital, and it was a coincidence..."

Arthit's voice gradually became quieter, leaning on the sofa to see the outside view is very bad, except for a corner of the gray sky, he can only see the tall buildings on the opposite side, rendered in the dark tone The metal texture, with an indescribably cold and strange feeling, made him feel a little difficult to breathe.

The weather that day didn't seem to be very good. There were many pedestrians and cars on the road.

When he rushed to M's house, all he saw was May's pale face, and when he sent her to the emergency room as fast as he could, he finally couldn't control himself and began to tremble.

Although this elementary school girl whom he had known since college was still like a little sister in his eyes, a new life had already been bred in her body, which made her role change in his heart.When Arthit realized that she was in danger when she was pregnant at that moment, he instinctively felt fear.

It's not just worrying about my sister, but also worrying about a mother.

After receiving the doctor's notice that he needed to stay in the hospital for observation but he was fine, Arthit immediately notified M who was on his way. Fortunately, May's mother and aunt were by her side.

After confirming the doctor's order, he followed the doctor to pay the deposit, and when he hurried back, he suddenly heard a familiar male voice ringing in his ears.

There were not many people in the obstetrics and gynecology department that day. There were a few expectant mothers who should be acquainted with each other, exchanging experiences in low voices, while the men at the side waited patiently for the broadcast to check their serial numbers.The crying of newborns was so loud that the delivery room was clearly at the end of the fifth floor, but it was still vaguely clear.

One can imagine how quiet it must have been at that moment.

Arthit looked at his lover whom he hadn't seen for about two weeks. He also seemed a little tired and his complexion was not very good. When the people around him started to look at them with strange eyes, he still didn't find his voice.

The uncontrollable frenzy in his mind recalled the package he received two months ago. In addition to some photos, there was also an audio recording from the noisy bar in the background.It is not difficult to imagine that the parties in the photos and the voices in the audio are the two in front of you.

He only listened to the beginning of that audio, Naum's joking tone was different from usual, and Kongphop... He couldn't understand why the man who had promised himself not to drink outside was drinking with other women in the midnight session of the bar , not to mention that woman still has some affection for him.

Many of the reasons I gave Kongphop at that time seemed to be unreasonable all at once.

If the person he trusted really lied to him...

If he hadn't contained himself that night...

If Naum really likes Kong as much as he thinks...

If so...

……

Then Arthit couldn't accept this ending.

The woman wearing sunglasses also seemed a little flustered, and when Arthit finally recovered from her short call, he suddenly thought of something.

time!As long as the time is not right, then everything will be fake!

Arthit even staggered to the side of the two people who were only a few meters away from him. He ignored the silence that Kongphop was staring at all the time. At this moment, he only wanted an answer.

Facing Arthit's approach, Naum subconsciously chose to back away, and the man who had been silent all this time even turned his shoulders to half-protect the people around him.

When he looked up again, Naum realized that the eyes of this calm-looking man were already red. There was obvious disgust and suspicion in his eyes, and the moment they looked at each other, the report card in his hand was taken away. .

Both Naum and Arthit could clearly hear gasps and accusations from around them. Those passers-by who didn't know the so-called seemed to be on the side of Naum and Kongphop unanimously, as if they had already regarded him as a third party to beat the mandarin ducks.

The same inspection report three 10 minutes ago Arthit had just seen a similar one, so when he found the time column exactly, he suddenly smiled.

"So you found out that the time of her pregnancy basically coincided with the night they had their room?" Night looked at someone who had completely curled up in the recess of the sofa, and suddenly felt that tonight was not suitable for this topic to unfold.

He has seen many different kinds of Arthit, sometimes cute, sometimes steady, sometimes melancholy, sometimes naughty, he likes Arthit the most when he is shy and embarrassed, and hates the most when Arthit is sad and tired.If he could, he hoped that he would never see him frowning, but every time he frowned, he felt powerless.

"What do you want to say?" Arthit was half lying on the sofa, the exhaustion from last night hadn't completely dissipated, the day's work had consumed him too much, and now he just wanted to sleep well.

"Arthit, in our China, there is a particularly outstanding and outstanding poet. I have liked him very much since I was a child. I am most impressed by one of his poems." In the dark night, it seems to be his home field.

"You, look at me for a while, and look at the clouds for a while. I think, when you look at me, you are far away, and when you look at the clouds, you are very close."

"What does this mean? I can only understand a few words, but it seems very artistic. I'll listen to you translate it into Thai."

"It's nothing special, it's just about a person's attitude...well, yes, his positive attitude towards life." Night explained indiscriminately, but heard someone laughing.

"Even if I don't speak Chinese well, you can't make it up to lie to me, right? This obviously doesn't fit the current context."

"However, it's up to me to explain, isn't it?" Night tilted his head and looked at Arthit provocatively. There was a hint of playfulness in his eyes, but his heart was full of anxiety.

Obviously they are close at hand, and obviously the one who can touch and even kiss him now is himself, but Night still feels hopeless. It is easy to get someone, but it is too difficult to love me.

So at this moment, he couldn't hold back the confession he blurted out, which made him a little regretful.

Fortunately, you can't understand its meaning, because then you can't understand my heart.If you don't understand my heart, we are still friends, and I can still come to your house in such a grand manner, and listen to you tell those stories and how much you love him.

"Uh, Night," Atrhit tried to sit up and talk to him, which was a bit of a faux pas.

"Arthit, in fact, you also know that you misunderstood him, right? You have already regretted it, right?" Night interrupted what Arthit was about to say, half of his face was hidden in the darkness, and the rain outside the window seemed to be getting heavier After a while, the rustling rhythm is surprisingly comfortable.

"Huh? What did you say?" Arthit had already sat up, his hair was disheveled, his face was a little pale, the neckline of his home clothes was loose, and there was a red mark looming under his thin collarbone.

For a moment, Night wanted to leave.

Because staying here will only make him more embarrassed and embarrassing.

When he fell in love with Arthit, he didn't know Kongphop yet.At that time, when he voluntarily asked to be transferred to Thailand because of some incidents with his family, Arthit was the one who picked him up at the airport.Because in different departments, except for meetings, occasional meals, and tea rooms, he can't think of other places where he can meet him, so because of some unexpected affection, Night, who is unfamiliar with the place, regards Arthit as his reliance, After going back and forth, they became acquainted with each other.

However, it wasn't until he saw the man who came to the company to pick up Arthit with his own eyes that he realized that he was late again.

It doesn't matter if it's late, Night doesn't think that his heart is less than that person, so he has been waiting, from colleagues to ordinary friends to good friends, for two years, he thinks he has given all his sincerity, but this love seems to have nothing to do with first come, first served. It doesn't matter much.

To be precise, Arthit's love has never been related to him.

Like tonight, what he told himself proved that he considered himself a friend, but he didn't see himself as a candidate because Arthit didn't care about his feelings.

Night knew that he could no longer hide his feelings, and the conversation tonight was his answer.

"You knew it all along, didn't you?"

"I'm indeed regretting, every minute and every second I'm apart from him, I'm regretting." Arthit quietly looked at the person in front of him, his mood was obviously lower than before.

"Love and love always make people make mistakes."

"Why, are you going to let go? Obviously, you still love him..."

"The story of us together, I remember I told you, didn't I?"

"Well, I remember, the romantic love story of seniors and juniors." Night's answer touched Arthit's nerves, and he suddenly laughed.

"Yes, I was still young at that time, and I didn't understand many things." The way the man muttered to himself made Night, who was about to give up, feel a little jealous again, he was thinking about that man.

"Night, it's really not easy to like a man." The room was completely dark, Arthit turned on the floor lamp next to the sofa, and a warm light shrouded it, his silhouette was reflected on the wall, Night unexpectedly from there I read a kind of sad loneliness in the shadow.

"Arthit," he hesitated, seeming to be struggling for words, and Arthit laughed again at his embarrassed look.

"Aren't you good at comforting people? You were still reading poetry just now."

"That's different!"

"What's the difference? I just lost my love, and it's not like I'm going to die."

"Arthit, actually... I've known it all along. That day, I saw the information about, about surrogacy on your desk..." Night stared closely at Arthit's face, and finished speaking carefully, but he was afraid that he would suddenly Start a fire.

However, what greeted him next was only silence.

Dead silence.

a long time,

He just spoke, his voice a little hoarse.

"If I can't give him a child, I can't give him a complete family. I used to not think wildly, but now it's different."

"I did misunderstand him...but I know it in my heart," Arthit's eyes started to turn red, and his voice became trembling, Night felt as if an indescribable sadness enveloped the beautiful and pitiful man in front of him.

"Anyway, that fact is precisely what I can't do."

He looked up to the door, his eyes blank.

"Now I can hold his hand and tell the world I love him, but what about 20 years from now? 50 years from now? What will he do if I go before him?"

"You know how I feel when I see them walk out of the obstetrics unit and everyone around me is looking at me with reproach?"

"I hate myself, and I hate them both."

"At that time, I actually thought...she was really pregnant with his child, watching him protect her, I felt disgusted..."

Night quietly stared at the person in front of him, Arthit's eyes were already filled with tears, he was not a person who loved to cry in the past.

"However, apart from disgust, that scene happened to be the last straw that crushed me. I found that I actually believed that there was something going on between them. I lost all my sanity at once. I started to be afraid, panicked, and then I I realized that this was what I was most worried about all this time, and it finally happened.”

"Night, do you know? For the rest of my life, I can give him nothing but love him."

The almost inaudible sigh disappeared into the patter of rain, and Night raised his hand extremely slowly to press his swollen eye sockets.

"But for the rest of his life, he can't just have love."

There is a cool breeze blowing through the window lattice, the sixteenth floor is far away from the hustle and bustle, except for the lights of thousands of houses, no one speaks at this moment.

The author has something to say:

When writing these dialogues, for a while I feel that I am artificial and unsightly, and for a while I feel that they are so heart-piercing and painful, but they still enjoy it?Perhaps this is the magic of love.