the truth

I'mfindin'waystoarticulate

ThefeelingI'mgoin'through

I just can't say Idon't love you I can't say I don't love you

'Cause I love you because I still love you

"If one day, you are walking on the road and hear someone calling your name, don't look back, it's just that I couldn't hold back and opened my mouth accidentally."

——Kong

There is no light in the room, it is already early morning, the bright lights are only suitable for the center of Bangkok and the downtown area.

Arthit has been mechanically doing everything he should do since early morning, such as bathing, eating, drinking, and...packing his luggage.

This home obviously still retains all the things from the past. After so many years of walking, the small space filled with memories is already crowded with two people.At the beginning of the year, I was discussing buying a house. The school where Kongphop works is far away from the company. They needed to find a compromise distance. Ah Ri had already asked his assistant to help him pay attention. They should have gone to see the house together a long time ago, because they work alone Being too busy is always a delay...and now, it's about to be spacious, so there's no need for that.

Things were organized very quickly, because Kong in his daily life is always in order, just like he promised Arthit's parents at the beginning, he will take good care of him.He really did it, so that when packing his luggage, Arthit could accurately and quickly organize his part of things, and he didn't intend to take away those household clothes and accessories that had been mixed together.

After the last batch of luggage was taken away by the moving company, Arthit had been sitting here, in their bedroom, maintaining this posture, motionless, with a bone-deep exhaustion that made him unable to even stand up.

In the eighth year of being together, when we left, it seemed that there was nothing left but exhaustion.

"Can I come in?" The knock on the door only rang once, but it startled him.

"Ah."

The person who came only stopped at the door, and spoke after a long time, "Actually," his voice seemed a little difficult, and his expression hidden in the darkness was not clear, even with the moonlight, Arthit still couldn't see his face clearly.

He tried his best to raise his head and open his eyes wide, but he still couldn't see clearly. The unattainable distance seemed to be blurred. His things can only be let go.

This is probably despair, Arthit thought. In his 30 years of life experience, he touched the boundary called "despair" for the first time. If no one came to help him, he might fall , in the darkness where nothing can be seen.

In a trance, it seemed that he didn't realize until a coolness touched his skin that he was not really in the darkness at this moment.

Oh, so the blurred vision is because of it, Arthit thought as he wiped his face with his hand.

"You don't need to say any more, this place is relatively close to the school, it's more appropriate to leave it to you." He stood up and took the initiative to shorten the distance between the two.

Then he turned around, and every step he took seemed to suffocate, but enjoying the pleasure of suffocating would not make him run away.

"I go first."

The lights suddenly turned on, and Arthit accidentally bumped into the switch on the wall, because his vision was always blurred and completely out of his control, so he bumped into the switch by the door hastily.The feeling of exposure was very bad, as if all the cover-ups in the darkness were frightened and fled.

He could only stand at the door with nothing. There was a big bed behind him, a whole wall of photos, a large wardrobe, and even half a cup of milk with residual heat on the bedside table. Most importantly, there was a person behind him. .

"Damn it!" Ah Ri whispered.

The word chic can never be applied to any time facing Kongphop, and both of them are well aware of this.

"Arthit, wait a minute." The man behind finally found his own language, he seemed a little anxious, and his breathing was rapid and obvious in the dead of night.

"I know it's useless to say anything, but I still hope that this time it's just calm."

"Just like I know you enough, I believe you also know me enough and trust me enough. We have overcome so many difficulties together. Are you going to let me alone this time?"

"We even survived the seven-year itch," Kongphop's voice was choked up, and he was about to say something, but was cut off.

"Kong, our love hasn't been defeated by time, but we still can't escape the arrangement of fate, can't we?" Arthit opened the door, getting used to the bright eyes are always a little sour, maybe it's because I haven't cried for a long time , he thought to himself.

"Is there no more chance? Me and you."

"Kong, I hope you can grow up. From now on, you not only have to shoulder the responsibility of a man, but also the responsibility of being a father."

A huge roar suddenly rang in his ears, and after those two words were spoken, the physical disgust made Arthit's stomach ache, and his tinnitus was also very severe, and he felt that he had to go.

"I have to go."

"You're starting to hate me, aren't you?"

"Even if I say something, you can't listen to it anymore, can you?"

"Okay, Arthit, you don't have to believe anything else, I just say one more thing, and you can leave." The person behind him probably moved, his voice was still difficult, but the ups and downs of emotions had calmed down a lot.

Arthit stood quietly, the discomfort in his stomach was subsiding, and the eyes on his back seemed to be no longer burning.He waited a long time before the man spoke.

He said, "Arthit, I love you. For that, I want you to always remember."

"Moonlight shines in through the floor-to-ceiling windows on the 16th floor. I still didn't turn on the lights today. I always feel that the dazzling lights of Wanjia make people have a headache. My hair seems to be a little long. Are you okay?"

——Arthit

The night passed like this, it seemed normal, except that there was something missing around me.

Get up, shower, make breakfast, eat breakfast, turn on the TV, and watch today's news.

The morning news is all about real-time political affairs. For example, the weather in a certain city is bad. A certain company successfully bid for a certain municipal government cooperation project. Engagement or something.Although these things happen every day, Kongphop still pays attention to them every day, because there may be something he wants in it.

For example, the daughter of the mayor who is going to get engaged is a young talent in a big company. She sat down as the director of the procurement department in her early thirties and successfully helped the company go public on the main board. After returning from overseas, she is handsome and rich. The moonlight shines on the girl's heart.However, such an excellent person was reported to be engaged in a few words.

Kongphop looked out of the window, the sky looked cloudy as if he had just cried, but in fact he hadn't laughed much this week.

He really wanted to send a message to remind that person that there might be a heavy rain today.

But he has no position...

There is a class at 10 o'clock. He once studied photography at Bangkok University and stayed here after graduation. He started as a teaching assistant and is now a qualified university teacher.

In the past few years, I have been in contact with young people. His world is not as complicated as Arthit's environment. More often, he likes to walk around with a camera and take pictures of different characters and scenery. Of course, the most memories in the lens are His Arthit.

It’s just that I don’t know when it started, Kongphop was a little tired of picking up those bulky equipment, and he wouldn’t even go to the darkroom again for a few weeks.What I repeat the most every day is the trivial things in life. Go home early from get off work, buy vegetables and cook, wash and iron his suit shirts, and then start a long wait, from the day is still bright to midnight.

Repeated day after day.

That person had health problems due to work and entertainment. He had a bad stomach, frequent tinnitus, and low blood pressure. He would worry every night. He didn't feel at ease until he saw him come back with his own eyes and handed him a cup of hot milk.

Is this life tiring?Someone once asked him this way, but he just smiled and said nothing. In fact, anyone who meets love should understand his feelings. Because he loves him, he is willing to live such a life.

It really started to rain when we went out, Kongphop looked at the foggy sky, took a transparent umbrella, clamped his satchel tightly, and rushed into the rain.

The school is only ten minutes walk from the apartment, even if it rains, it is only 20 minutes away.

"But it's nearly an hour's drive away from the company..." In the heavy rain, such whispers were drowned out without a sound.

"Oh, hello, Mr. Kongphop! I arrived so early today," greeted a familiar teacher.

"Well, the weather is bad, and I'm worried about being delayed on the road."

"Teacher Kongphop is always so strict!"

"It's okay." For some reason, he had to end this meaningless conversation without grace.

The phone has been vibrating since morning, so he doesn't need to think about it, he also knows what the person looking for him is for.In this school, there are quite a few people who know about them, and I hope no one will talk to him anymore.Even the weather, he didn't want to talk about it.

However, in many cases, the more you don't want to face it, the more reality likes to oppose you.

For example, even though it was raining heavily, M still appeared here.

"I called you but didn't answer, and you didn't answer Line, there's no other way, so I came here."

The once shy and somewhat dull boy has grown into a tall and handsome man.May agreed to his marriage proposal three years ago. It's hard to imagine that Arthit was the officiant at that time, and he was standing behind M, wearing the same suit as that person. Taking advantage of his best brother's good life, he quietly pulled up His hand, and in the blessings of others, may have given him a present life.

It's just that now, before his present life is finished, he has already withdrawn from that person's world ahead of schedule.

If you ask Kongphop do you regret it?

"I only regret not promising him an afterlife."

This is his answer.

"Hey, Kong!" M couldn't stand the man who could stand in a daze under the heavy rain, and pulled him into the car.

"Didn't I tell you to procrastinate? Why did he get engaged in the past two weeks? What's going on?"

A series of actions brought back Kongphop's consciousness, and every time he was immersed in the memories about Ah Ri, he felt addicted and couldn't help himself.

"How do you know this?"

"P'Plame called me yesterday, and he said that Ah-ri-senpai was at his place, drunk." No matter how many years pass, M will always call Arthit "A-ri-senpai" If he is not married to May, Kongphop He will definitely question how his close friends feel about his lover.

"He went to drink again?" Kongphop's exquisite brows and eyes frowned because of this sentence, and he shifted his gaze to the window, avoiding M's temptation.

"Then he was okay last night?"

"Uh, it's okay if it's okay, but he admitted that you two are over, and said that he is going to get engaged! Didn't you guys meet the parents a long time ago, don't his parents know that he is going to get engaged?"

"... A project of Ari has something to do with the government. After it was completed, the mayor admired him very much, and he came up with that idea after going back and forth. I knew about it a long time ago, but the mayor probably didn't know that he still had a lover. Homosexuals for many years..." At this point, his tone was still calm, and he just paused, "Maybe, something happened to him these days."

"Then your parents know?"

"I don't know about it yet. They went to the foreign government and contacted me two days ago. His parents didn't call me either..."

"Kong, brother for so many years, I thought I knew you very well. When you were with senior Ah Ri, I didn't realize that I was slow... But now, as a brother, I ask you, you Did you sleep with that woman?" M turned the shoulder of the person next to him, trying to meet his eyes, and the moment he met his gaze, he realized that he was such a jerk for asking such a question!

The man who has always been calm, brave, full of wisdom and tenacity in their hearts, his shoulders should be a support, but now he is trembling; as long as he looks at you, he will accept him wholeheartedly and approve his eyes , at this moment, she was filled with tears...

It's hard for him to answer his question calmly...

When a man cries, he won't feel sorry for me, but when a man who is really sad cries, he will definitely be overwhelmed.

"Kong, I'm sorry..." M was suddenly at a loss, and could only reach out and hug the other's shoulder vigorously.

Suddenly a ringtone broke the silence, M turned on the phone, it was May's call, he slowly let go of Kongphop, hesitating, but the other party had already signaled him to answer the call.

"Hey May, what's the matter?"

"It's nothing. I want to ask you. It's raining so hard outside. Don't worry if you want to find Kong. You should pay attention to safety when driving, you know! When you see him, talk to him and comfort him. Your brother is just like you. He is a boring gourd, and we will help him with P'Arthit's affairs, you just say less and do more, you know?" May's tone was still gentle, even though her words were a little bit like iron and steel.

"Well, well, I know, you should be more careful at home, remember to tell your mother if you feel uncomfortable, and pay attention to your mentality in the first three months, and I will take care of other things." M's tone changed unconsciously. He was so gentle, but when he thought of the people around him, he changed the subject again. "It's okay, I'll hang up first, I'm with Kong."

"Ah, well, be safe, bye."

"OK Bye Bye."

"I'm fine, you can go home." Kongphop regained his composure, unwilling to be seen as vulnerable, turned his head to stare at the windshield wipers, the rain outside was really heavy.

"Kong, I take back what I just said, but I still want to hear an explanation from you. You may not have said this to others, but I will believe it if you say it. As long as I believe it, I am sure to make others believe it." Yes!" M became excited again, he grabbed Kongphop's arm, "Tell me, what's going on with you?"

Kongphop quietly looked at his friend in front of him. He is also a man who is about to become a father. He has enough money, strength, and love to welcome the arrival of that life with his wife, but he...

"I don't, the child isn't mine...but I can't say anything else."

Some words can only be spoken once, and then there is no energy left.

The author has something to say:

There are still a lot of pitfalls owed, so let's count as the first one to encourage yourself.

Give yourself a final warning against procrastination before graduation.