fairy tale

I was born in rural Anhui in the 90s. In that era, especially in economically backward places like Anhui, patriarchy was so common in rural areas.

I am the eldest in my family, and there is a younger sister and a younger brother in my family, because it is normal to have three, four or even five brothers and sisters in our family. Some are because they want to give birth to boys, and some think that having more children is better and lively.

In recent years, my parents have always said that I am different from other children. In fact, I think I know what is different, but I don't think I am.If in their eyes, the reason why I am different from other children may be because I have been in poor health since I was a child. Before the age of 20, the hospital had to report every year. In 2010, because of my hand The nerve was injured, and I went to the city hospital to take hyperbaric oxygen. I didn't stop until the 29th of the Lunar New Year. After that, I took medicine for half a year, and the nerves in my hands are still relatively sensitive.The cervical spine was also twisted by two or three joints due to a fall when I was 15 years old. The doctor said that there is no good hope. Because of my poor health, my mother always said that I was unlucky and said that I don’t know what evil I did in my previous life. So, for me, this year I also figured it out, maybe these are my destiny, so I began to accept it gradually, why do I say I began to accept it gradually?Because I also thought like my mother, and even opened my eyes and looked into the dark air alone in the dark and asked: "Why do I have these physical conditions? Did I really do something bad in my previous life?" Is it something about it? So this life is here to pay off debts?"

In fact, not only my physical condition is not optimistic, but also my spirit is not very good. I have suffered from severe depression and severe anxiety for many years, and I have also seen a psychiatrist.I tried suicide because of depression, cut my wrist, it hurt.But it was unsuccessful, because I bought the wrong knife and scratched the wrong place. I think I am not brave enough to end my life!But I started self-mutilation. People who have never self-harmed can’t experience the pleasure of wounds, pain, and bleeding. When the flesh is split under the knife, it seems to hear the creaking sound. If you ask me if it hurts Pain, I can tell you with certainty that you will only feel the pain when the knife stops, but I found that once I started to cut the knife, I couldn't control it and stop, one knife at a time, one knife at a time, when dozens of three to four When the wounds of centimeters were lined up on the left arm, I felt the pain as if all the physical and mental exhaustion had disappeared. When I watched the blood flow down the arm, it felt like it was not bleeding but all the bad things in my heart. The feeling is the same as the flow of emotional memories. It can be said that self-harm gives me the feeling of physical pain and spiritual relief. Although I will not cut myself with a knife now, I will carry a few blades in my bag with me. I also bite myself when the mood is really overwhelming, because I need physical pain to relieve the pain in my heart.

I just want to say one thing about self-harm: "Self-harm is an addictive thing, I hope I don't start it, just like smoking, even if I quit smoking, I still want to smoke occasionally, even if I am not addicted."

My childhood did not have the childhood memories that I should have. I am one of the many left-behind children. I don’t know why the memory before the age of 8 seems to be gone. I was left at my grandma’s house to go to school. Although my grandma treated me well there, I clearly felt that my grandma treated the child she picked up and raised for more than ten years much better than me. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know why I was a more sensitive child since I was a child, and I actually don't like it!

When I was at my grandma’s house, because the two uncles lived relatively close together, and the child I picked up had a total of 7 children, I was excluded by these 7 children. I deeply remember that it rained once, and I didn’t Wearing rain boots, I stood in the rain, looked at those children, and one of the cousins ​​said to me: "I won't give you rain boots, just let you stand there," and I asked him why stupidly?He said: "Because we are called grandma, and you are the only one called grandma." At that time, I didn't know what I felt in my heart. Maybe you would think that what an 8- or 9-year-old girl can feel is just mischief among children. That's all.

Up to now, I don't know how I feel in my heart, but at that time, I was standing in the rain with bare feet, and I was washed by the pouring rain.

Looking back, I told my grandma about this matter, and grandma said: "Whoever says you won't give you shoes to wear, I will go to someone." Because of this sentence, I felt warm, and I looked up at my grandma who was no longer young. .Grandma is 80 years old this year, and her health is not as good as before. Sometimes I will call her and listen to her talk about my uncle’s family affairs over there for more than an hour. , although those things are repeated every time, I don’t feel irritable and boring when I listen to them. Just imagine how long this can last. I listen to her calmly every time, tell her to take care of herself, and then I will hang up the phone.

When I was 13 years old, I started to try to take care of my younger sister and younger brother by myself. Our family was very poor. My parents started working outside the home, cooking and washing while going to school. At that time, I didn’t know how to cook, because I often helped my mother cook I don’t know where to start with cooking, but at the beginning, my sister and brother really suffered. No matter how unpalatable or ugly the cooked food is, I can only eat it, because I have no choice but to eat it.

At night, I will also be very afraid, so afraid that I don’t even dare to insert the latch, I dare not go out of the house during lightning and thunder, and when the dog barks at night, I hide under the quilt and dare not move. ?I told them that I am not afraid, what would they do if I did, they are still so young!Actually, I'm really scared.

My childhood, my adolescence, and my adolescence were all lonely. I went to school alone and sat at home crying alone. I lay alone on the dirt slope in a daze. I was alone holding the dog that lived with me for ten years. Run to that place that everyone says is unclean!

I always thought I didn't like pets, until the dog got sick and had tumors and was bought by my mother, I didn't know that I loved the dog that I lived with for ten years, and I ran outside crying alone Yeah, I'm not a person who doesn't cry easily. I cried because of that dog. I cried for a long time and I was very sad, because I didn't know how much I loved him until it was gone. Memories are like a flood that opened the gate. From the time it was just learning to walk to the last time I saw it, I beat and scolded it, and finally I loved it.

After this dog, I can no longer treat other dogs like this dog, even if it is its offspring, I can't help it.

I still remember one time, it had just given birth to six puppies, and I threw it away. The six puppies weighed six to seven pounds, and my arm hurt for several days because of it. Now that I think about it, I don’t know why I was so cruel at the beginning. , My mother said why this child is so cruel, and my grandma said: "When I die, those puppies will go to the king of Hades to sue me." I said very indifferently: "It doesn't matter, then wait for me Talk about it after you die!"

For this dog that has been in my family for 10 years, the end is to be sold. My mother's approach is very wrong, because I still blame my mother, I am very angry, and I question her loudly why she did this, I Mom's answer was actually, because my younger brother always hugged it to avoid spreading the disease to my younger brother. I felt speechless at once, but I still said to her: "You don't want him to hug it! Even if you don't sell it I can’t live for a few more years, just bury it when it dies. After I finished speaking, I went out, and I felt heartache at that time.” In fact, the dog will not live long if it is not for sale. Ten years is old age for a dog, and it's sick!

In fact, in my impression, my parents have always been lukewarm to me, sometimes even overly partial. I remember one time, when I was in the fifth grade, I wrote in my diary that I treated my mother at that time. I remember writing in it that I thought my mom was a monster.Then I put the diary under the pillow. That day I went to my aunt’s house and didn’t come back. I don’t know why my parents slept in my room and read the diary. Because my mother can’t read, I asked my dad to write What happened, my dad lied to my mom and said it was nothing?The next day I was called back by my dad and called me into the room and said: "How can you say your mother is a devil, even if she did something wrong, she is still your mother! Suddenly I woke up like a dream, Yes! How could I say that about my mother! At that time, I felt what it meant to be extremely regretful, and I lowered my head and said sorry to my mother's crazy apology in my heart."

Then my dad said: "I have already told your mother to treat you better in the future."

I don't know what my dad said to my mom, but since then miraculously, my mom has really changed her attitude towards me. These changes both make me feel excited and warm, and make me feel strange and overwhelmed .

In fact, that diary wrote about my attitude towards my mother’s normal life towards me, and the feelings I felt from my mother. It was full of grievances and injustice towards my mother. Indeed, at that stage I really felt I was afraid of seeing my mother, and I felt disgusted at that time. I didn't want to go home after school every day, and I didn't want to talk when I got home, so I just regarded myself as air.At that time, I couldn’t feel the warmth of home and mother’s love at all, because when the four of them were happily talking and laughing together, I hid aside and watched the scene, that’s the feeling of home and family, and I was like is redundant.

I still clearly remember that in the winter of 0, there were snow disasters in many places in China. Although there was no Anhui, the snow was surprisingly heavy that year.

In the morning, the whole family went out to play in the snow very happily. I was the only one who went out and made a snowball and threw it twice before going into the yard. After a while, my mother and the others came. Sitting, as soon as I came in, my mother said: "As if someone owes you money, keep a straight face and don't smile all day long."

I feel a little wronged in my heart, I am wrong, I am not right if I don’t say it, I don’t know what to do, I think it doesn’t matter, I am used to it, I am a bit broken, after a while I start to laugh, I grin Mouth smile, when the corners of my mouth grinned, my face froze, I was surprised to find that I couldn’t smile anymore, I don’t know how long I haven’t smiled, I couldn’t even smile anymore, I immediately lifted I rubbed my hands vigorously on my face. After a while, I tried a few more times before I felt the smiling expression getting familiar!

I said a lot of feelings and the way of life at home and the way of getting along with parents are all after 2009. Before 09, my feeling at home was resistance, wanting to escape, and fear and discomfort. The word "home" still feels strange, strange and uncomfortable. To this day, I used to feel that home was a place without rent.

The home in my heart has always been the kind that doesn’t have to be too big, two bedrooms and one living room, just a study, a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom that can put a bathtub. There is one person who makes me look at and let go of all my tiredness and guards. A person who I can know what is ordinary and happy just by looking at him, but in fact, the home in my heart is as simple as that!

Before I was 18 or even 20 years old, I always rejected my parents at home, and it was true that my parents were very biased before that. I know that now I can clearly feel that my mother said when I was a teenager The words and things I have done have left me with a lot of shadows. These are slowly beginning to appear in my life for many years after I lived independently. The feelings and fears given by the shadows are no less than the mood at that time. , Some of the things I said were really hurtful, and what I felt then is still how I feel now.I wonder if my mother forgot that I was just a child at that time.

After I was 20 years old, I slowly recalled why it happened in those years, why my parents didn’t like me, if it wasn’t for an accidental conversation, I still don’t know why?That conversation let me know why, but it also made me understand that many things will not result from your hard work, because things were wrong from the beginning, I was wrong when I was a girl in the womb, and it was my fault. In terms of gender, that is to say, I was doomed to not be liked and valued later. When I knew it was because of this reason that I had lived like this all these years, my heart was cold. I always thought that I did not work hard enough. , because my parents always say that I am too lazy to do things. At the same age as me, I can do things that my younger sister can’t do, but in the eyes of my parents, I am the boss, so I have to do a lot. My sister is also lazy and likes to eat, but in the eyes of my parents, this is a sign of a better life in the future. This is what I can't understand. Since my mother treats me patriarchally, why do I love my sister so much? This is something I can't understand. I want to understand.

The current depression and anxiety disorders can be said to be given by my parents. I think if my parents could think about me at that time, I don’t think my life will be like it is now!

After 09, my mother’s sudden attitude towards me was because I had a rare disease for my age, that is, the left radial nerve was injured. I always felt that my mother was pitying me because of my poor health, as if to make up for it. Similarly, the sudden closeness made me feel very embarrassed and didn't know how to deal with it.

I really don't know what to do with following such an attitude after so many years of self-enclosed and depressed life.

In the next few years, I began to try to let go of these injustices, and I began to slowly and deeply understand and feel the attitude of my parents towards me.

Sometimes I try to look at my former self as a child from the perspective of the current adult, to feel what the child cannot feel and see, but at the same time I also see the former self. When she was a child, she was so pitiful and lonely, she always stood in the corner watching her family's happiness.My heart aches looking at myself.

In fact, the little bits and feelings of 20 years are only rare here, and I have changed my original views and feelings. Although I sometimes feel heartache, as I get older and my parents are getting older, I just I have begun to feel that the past is not so important. Compared with the white hair of the current parents, those before are so pale.

Now I love my parents very much, even though I am a prodigal, even though I am very unfilial, although I can only use my heart to love and not show it in action.

I used to love my parents too, but the hatred at that time covered up the love.And suddenly lost the softness in my heart at that time.

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