Jigsaw puzzle

Li Ran and Han Yicheng looked at each other, and walked into the consulting room one after the other.Sitting behind the desk was a female doctor in her 40s. She looked intellectual and gentle, which was in line with Li Ran's imagination of a psychiatrist.

Han Yicheng didn't know whether it was nervousness or fear, or both. He sat upright on the chair, with a tough line stretching out his back, as if he was calmly facing the verdict.

The female doctor, surnamed Qian, was the director of the hospital's department. She asked Han Yicheng several basic questions, including age, work, family background, and...the relationship with Li Ran.

Han Yicheng paused slightly imperceptibly, and the eyes that were originally looking at Director Qian also shifted down to the table, "It's a boyfriend," he said and then looked at Director Qian, his tone became firmer, "It's a lover. "

Director Qian nodded with a smile, as if he was talking about any ordinary thing in life, and asked kindly and relaxedly: "Which of you two is chasing whom?"

This question was completely beyond Han Yicheng's expectations, and even Li Ran was a little surprised. He turned his head and found that Han Yicheng was looking at him for help.

Li Ran shrugged and said that he couldn't help, so Han Yicheng had no choice but to turn his head and admit dryly: "I don't know either."

"Well, it's right if you don't know." Director Qian nodded in agreement, stood up and rummaged through the information shelf behind him, "Love is very complicated, and it can't be explained to others in a few words. Woolen cloth?"

She took out a few sheets of paper from a pile of materials, then took out a ballpoint pen from the pocket of her white coat and handed it to Han Yicheng, and smiled apologetically at Li Ran: "I have to talk to him alone for a while, there is It's a coffee shop, the food in it is quite delicious, why don't you go and sit there for an hour and then come back?"

"Ah, good," Li Ran nodded, retreated to the door and glanced in worriedly, and found that Han Yicheng was also looking at him.He responded to Director Qian with his mouth, but his body was unwilling to leave. In order to spend a few more seconds, he forcefully said, "Then I'll go and have a try, and I'll be back on time in an hour."

After speaking, Li Ran found that Director Qian was looking at him, his eyes were full of wisdom, as if he had seen him through.Li Ran suddenly felt embarrassed, and hurriedly closed the door and went out.

Li Ran was not in the mood to drink coffee at this time, but this hour seemed to be cursed as long as he walked around the hospital compound three times, and only 15 minutes had passed by looking at his watch.

In the end, in order to kill time, Li Ran resigned himself to running to a corner of the coffee shop and sat down. Looking at the leisurely people in the shop, he felt a sense of blunt detachment.

The sun is still as warm and pleasant as usual. There is a couple arguing at the door of the store, and a few girls sitting by the window are giggling together. Can't get up.

Everything in this world is still advancing unstoppably like a flood. Even in a hospital a hundred meters away, parting between life and death is performed several times a day.

Li Ran felt that his life had come to a fork in the road. He suddenly had an absurd idea. He wanted to hack into the store's broadcasting system and broadcast all his troubles. He wanted to let everyone know what was on his mind. Then ask them to put up a vote to make these annoying choices for themselves.

He thought wildly for a while, and realized that the time was almost up, so he walked back to the consulting room on the farthest floor of the hospital.

The door of the consulting room was open, which was specially reserved for Li Ran by Director Qian. As soon as she saw Li Ran poking his head in the corridor, she called him in.

As soon as Li Ran entered the door, he saw Han Yicheng sitting on the sofa beside him with his head bowed. His hair had grown long recently, and his brows were hidden from his side so he couldn't see his expression.

"Is this... the end?" Li Ran asked a little cautiously. He looked at Director Qian and Han Yicheng, "What are you going to do now?"

"I have to talk to you alone to confirm the situation." Director Qian came over and put a hand on Han Yicheng's shoulder naturally. She said, "Xiao Han, can you sit outside for a while? It won't be long. of."

Han Yicheng let out a "hmm", which made Li Ran feel a little bad. Based on his understanding of Han Yicheng, his reaction was probably that the situation was not optimistic.

Li Ran wanted to hold Han Yicheng's hand to make him feel at ease, but he always felt awkward because of the wrong occasion, so he just handed him the hot chocolate he bought just before Han Yicheng closed the door and said, "I'll make it when I get home later." Eat."

After Han Yicheng went out, Director Qian's expression changed slightly. She stared at her notebook, her eyebrows gradually furrowed.

"Let's talk about the bad side first. According to the series of tests just now and my judgment, he is indeed suffering from moderate depression, and the medical history can be regarded as quite long."

Even though Li Ran had made psychological preparations before he came, he still had a fluke mentality. Now that he faced the cruel facts all of a sudden, he still felt an unreal feeling of falling.And as the brain gradually accepts this fact, this uncontrollable emotion will become more and more concrete, like a gradually tightening shackle.

"It's been quite a long time...?" Li Ran repeated in confusion.

Director Qian nodded, "According to his description, I guess he started to have the idea of ​​committing suicide a year after his sister passed away, and then living alone for a long time will deepen his sense of loneliness, external factors can stimulate his emotions And less and less. If it weren't for his guilt towards his brother-in-law and niece to support his idea of ​​'paying off the debt', it is very likely that he would have committed suicide before."

Li Ran opened his mouth, but said nothing. The word "suicide" was unimaginably heavy in his concept. Ever since Director Qian said this word, Li Ran couldn't control himself and imagined the desperate scene at that time.

That was the younger Han Yicheng. Li Ran had seen photos of him at that time. He was a little stronger than now, and his facial contours were greener and softer.

Maybe his expression back then was not as rigid as it is now, maybe his face at that time could still reflect the deep pain and struggle.

How did he survive thousands of dark nights?Would he ever think about giving up his life alone?Just quietly disappearing into this world like that, completely obliterating the possibility of meeting someone who loves him deeply ten years later?

Maybe I was really close, and I didn't have the chance to meet him.Li Ran recalled that people always say that meeting lovers is lucky, and now it seems that this "luck" also carries the weight of life for him and Han Yicheng.

Li Ran's whole body became colder at the thought of this, and his fingertips clasped the edge of the seat tightly, and his fingers lost their blood due to too much force.

Director Qian knew that Li Ran was not feeling well, so he deliberately stopped for a while and gave him a process of gradually accepting and understanding the information.

After a while, Li Ran opened his mouth slowly: "You just said the bad side...does that mean there is also a good side?"

"Yes, indeed."

Li Ran smiled wryly: "What else...how can I do it?"

"Han Yicheng just mentioned to me that the reason why he seeks psychological help at this time is because you discovered his self-harm, right?"

"Ah."

"Before I say my conjecture, I have to make it clear to you that each patient case has its own uniqueness, and my current understanding of Mr. Han is only preliminary, so I just made a rough guess based on the existing information. , in fact, his self-harm behavior is not entirely a negative behavior."

"Ah?" Li Ran froze for a moment, "What do you mean?"

"Judging from the time period of his self-injury, it was after you entered his life." Seeing Li Ran's hesitation, Director Qian nodded, indicating that she understood what he wanted to say, "Maybe your sex The behavior has an impact on his previous cognition, causing him to feel guilty and self-harm, but this is only an inducement, in the final analysis, it is because of you yourself that you have begun to fully integrate into his life."

"I suspect that his self-harming behavior is due to positive changes in his life, which reawakens his desire to 'live'. He is using this method to fight against the negative emotions that he has become accustomed to for a decade."

"It's certainly unhealthy in this way, but you can see it as a struggle, or he's trying to rebuild his self-protection mechanism."

Seeing that he was still silent, Director Qian made a movement of hitting his left fist on the palm of his right hand to explain: "The reason for the conflict is that he has longing for emotions that have been suppressed all the time, and these desires and passions are just It’s the life a normal person should have.”

Li Ran thought for a while, and quickly understood what Director Qian meant.For a moment, his emotions were so complicated that he couldn't tell what it was like in his heart.

It feels like you just found something stuck in your heart, changed it, and found out that it was a piece of soft cotton.It can't be broken or smashed with brute force, but it has always existed there. I really started to tear it, only to find that this thing has long been glued to the internal organs, and it can affect the whole body.

"Then what should he do now in this situation?"

"Currently, there are roughly two options. The conservative one is not to use any drug intervention, and to rely entirely on artificial psychological counseling to slowly correct his behavior habits. The advantage is that there are no drug side effects, and the whole treatment process is relatively easy. Of course, The disadvantage is that during this period, his self-harm behavior cannot be quickly corrected, and it will take a relatively long period to slowly correct it."

"It's relatively long, how long does it take?" Li Ran opened his mouth again and found that his voice was hoarse.

"It's really hard to say. Judging from his long medical history, it takes at least half of the same time for reverse correction. If you stay here with him... the effect may be better, but the overall situation will not change much."

"What about the other solution?" Li Ran asked.

"The other is to take drug intervention. The effect is relatively fast. Generally speaking, there will be obvious improvement in one month. If the recovery is fast, the drug can be stopped in three to six months. However," Director Qian picked up the medicine on the table. After taking a sip of water from the thermos cup, he continued, "The side effects of drug treatment still have a great impact on the body. Leaving aside the physical harm, people's normal emotions are forcibly diluted and suppressed by drugs. What kind of changes will happen to individual patients? , It is impossible to predict now, but in short, this process is not very good. "

"Does it mean that it will definitely affect normal life?" Li Ran stared into Director Qian's eyes, trying to see some expectations from them.

Director Qian shook his head: "I can only say that it varies from person to person, but he is doing scientific research, and drugs have a great impact on concentration and memory. If you choose this plan, you still need to prepare in all aspects. "

Director Qian is a psychiatrist, and his speech is logical and well-measured, but even so, when Li Ran heard the phrase "preparation in all aspects", he almost couldn't help but speak directly from his heart.

How do I talk about it? It's not like I'm going to die. What does it mean to be well prepared in all aspects.

However, after holding back the impulse for a second, Li Ran recalled that being incompetent and furious and blaming others was probably an unavoidable way for all mortals to relieve pain, and he himself was also unavoidable.

"Which treatment option to choose, do you have any suggestions?"

"It's up to you to decide on your own. After all, I haven't experienced his life, and I can't help you decide which parts of your life are more important." Director Qian's words are very pertinent, which is very in line with her personality, calm , Professional yet gentle.

If Han Yicheng hadn't experienced those misfortunes and sufferings, he would have become such a person, Li Ran thought.

Li Ran looked at her and showed a bitter smile again: "Don't worry, Director Qian, what you say next will definitely not affect our judgment, I just want to know, if Han Yicheng is not your patient, you stand From a friend's point of view, will you have the same idea as me?"

Hearing what Li Ran said, Director Qian sighed and put the file aside.

"I may choose conservative treatment. After all, based on my experience over the years, most patients will choose a treatment that is relatively easy to adhere to, but..."

"Han Yicheng insisted on choosing the second option, right?"