because you broke into my lens

When we were about to get to the point, the German woman seemed to be getting anxious. She reached out to search from the satchel, and then stretched out a pack of cigarettes with her slender hand that exposed her muscles and bones. At this moment, she As if remembering something, he grinned apologetically at the woman opposite. The sharp red lips painted with a faint rose-colored lipstick,

Hope you don't mind if I smoke a cigarette?

In and out of her words, she exudes a kind of direct manner of Germans who don't make detours when they speak and do things. This may be the sign and symbol of the Germans imprinted in their bones.

Seeing her proficiency in lighting cigarettes and the deep enjoyment of taking the first puff, Shan Ran quickly identified her with the old smoker, but the way she held the cigarette with her slender fingers was very awkward. Elegant and noble, I can't hide a beautiful face even if I breathe a cloud, it's hard to make people feel equated with the old smoker.

While smoking, she picked up the coffee again, took a sip, and then started her unfinished story.

Maybe we have known the word pain since we can remember, but we just don’t know how specific it withers. It is like a demon in life, a shadow that you can never hide from and cannot get rid of. When people are about to forget it At that time, it began to visit the door uninvited.

Although he has been avoiding me and even unwilling to let me know all his whereabouts, since I read that letter, I insist on seeing him more urgently than ever. I am looking forward to seeing him, Hear his voice, and then let him say something, because at this time I think he needs very little, even if it is a little warmth and strength of family affection, even if it is a few words of insignificant comfort and concern.

Maybe it was my sincerity that touched the heavens. I finally saw him again after half a year. I sent my child home that day. I thought that if I didn’t see him again, I would never step out of the threshold of this house again. Yes, but the surprise is that he came back very early that day, almost the distance between us was the front and rear feet,

When I saw him again, the unconcealable excitement was immediately replaced by a kind of uneasiness and sadness. It was only half a year since I met him last time, but I was surprised and shocked by the exhaustion and listlessness written on his face. His pale complexion seemed to be eroded by a kind of moisture, and he had never seen him so swollen before. His eyes gleamed with depression and anxiety that had been buried for a long time and could not be dispelled. The boundary line has been delayed a lot, and he even seemed so depressed. When he saw me, his mood began to fluctuate again. He reprimanded me loudly, telling me not to stay for a while, and let me get out of this place immediately. home out,

I didn't pay attention to him, and I didn't walk away when I heard such words that violated my dignity as before. Instead, I allowed myself to be patient, and tried to calm down and calm down, in order to get close to him and hope to help him. , I told him that this was my former home, and it is still the home of my two daughters. Although this kind of possession is not direct, at least it is indirect. Now I have to exercise my indirect sovereignty. Ask responsibly for the two underage children, why their father has become so haggard and fragile now, and what happened to him?I think my two children have the right to know, and although I am divorced, as the mother of the children, I should have at least half of the right to know.

Your right to know is just what it used to be, and now you have already lost this right to know.

He is still stiffing his mouth, I know his heart is not broad enough, especially the woman he once loved deeply, how many small stomachs and small intestines that men can't get rid of the shadows, and the narrow selfishness that can't get around, will all be on him. The former husband appeared here,

If you continue to speak rudely like this, shut me out again, and make me feel disheartened, then let me die in front of you first, so as to save your anger and relieve your heartache. It is even more possible to let us die and hurt each other once and for all.

Knowing his temperament well, I retorted, using another method to make the last effort for myself,

He stopped talking and paced back and forth in the room like a trapped animal. Every step was as heavy and worrying as it hit my heart.

But at this moment he started to stop, looked at me with a kind of tender eyes and said;

I still remember a book you gave me 20 years ago, in which there was a sentence written by our German philosophical thinker Nietzsche, we read and shared it together, and now I still remember the above text, he said; The spirit of God has three realms: camel, lion and baby.The first level camel, endure humiliation, passively obey others or the arrangement of fate; the second level lion, turn passivity into initiative, from "you should" to "I want", I will take the initiative to fight for everything, and take the initiative to take responsibility for life ; third realm baby, this is a state of "I am", live in the moment, enjoy everything in the present.

I have let myself commit to the first two, or I have asked myself to do it, and now I have reached the third state, sorry!I should rewrite its state now, that is, I can only live in the present moment. Although my life is not on the verge of twilight, and I am still struggling at the bridge of middle age, my life has reached the end of the grave On the edge, now I just struggle and refuse to surrender to God, and refuse to indulge myself to jump down, because I still have a lot of nostalgia for this world, whether it is family affection or responsibility, although the beauty is small, but in the end all these changes It's getting farther and farther away from me, so far away that I can hardly hold it anymore...