time has waited for me

On the other side of the river, the last light in the depths also went out, and everyone fell asleep.

Jing Xian sat against a tree, put down his bent legs, and took out a pack of cigarettes and a limited edition zippo lighter from his trousers pocket.The lighter was a birthday present for my little cousin Yun Yuanshan. After the college entrance examination, the little girl successfully entered the Conservatory of Music. She was overjoyed. When she received the admission letter, he was the first one who came to see her. birthday present.

It's a pity that in the whole family, only he and Yun Yuanshan were happy about this matter.

Their family has been engaged in academic research for generations, and the average family education starts from a Ph.D.

When Yun Yuanshan resolutely decided to learn music in his third year of high school, one can imagine the confusion and anger of the crowd.The elders have always been sensible, and even more reasonable, but they couldn't understand this matter.Cutting off all the expenses of the cousin, all the expenses for the art exam back then were secretly paid by Jing Xian, even though he was severely read by the elders later.

He thinks it's worth it.

Like Yun Yuanshan, he was never given any pressure or restraint by his elders since he was a child.But their surnames are there, and so are the honor bestowed by their elders, and they can never make a mistake.He also had hobbies when he was a child, but he stopped early very sensiblely.

When Yun Yuanshan became an adult, it was rare for her to have such courage, so he had to fully support her.

What he can't have, he hopes that someone around him can have it.

The new choice of the college entrance examination opened the valve of rebellion that Yun Yuanshan had been late for many years. Jing Xian asked her what she wanted for her birthday present, and she immediately said with a smile that she wanted a lighter. She also found the one she liked on the Internet and showed it to Jing Xian.Jing Xian didn't plan to buy it, the little girl will learn music in the future, how can she smoke.

Yun Yuanshan laughed "haha": "I don't smoke, I just do it for pleasure! This is a ritual!" She stretched her waist, walked to the window and turned around, smiling brighter than the sun behind her, " Brother, this feeling is really cool! Do you know how cool it is to do things that your parents don’t agree to, and your family doesn’t agree?!”

Jing Xian didn't know, and didn't plan to know anymore.

"Do you know how great it feels to be an enemy of the whole world!!" After Yun Yuanshan asked, he put his hands together, turned his head and shouted towards the open space in the distance, "It's so cool hahahahaha!"

Jing Xian could feel how cool she was, even at this moment, Yun Yuanshan's voice that was so cool was still hitting his mind.

The little girl also said to him: "Brother, I'm not you. You have been flattered and quiet since you were a child, and you really like your major and career. I really don't like it. I think I will spend my whole life studying in school. After finishing my Ph.D., I may have to go abroad to study for a few years, and then continue to stay in school when I come back...God, I might as well die!"

Before the little girl left, she made a cheering gesture to him: "Brother, why don't you rebel once?"

Before he could answer, Yun Yuanshan smiled and ran away.

Yun Yuanshan also thinks that he will not rebel, because his life seems to be superior and smooth, and there is really no need for rebellion.

Jing Xian also thought that he would not rebel.

But after all he rebelled, he was still somewhat advanced "betrayed".

He grew up to be 31 years old and had hidden his secret for 16 years. Suddenly, he was caught off guard and exposed to everyone, without even giving him a chance to hide it.

Yun Yuanshan can attract his family like this just by changing his major.

When it was his turn, the matter of "liking men"—

Jing Xian lowered his head and began to tear off the plastic film on the outside of the cigarette case. His fingers were very beautiful. When he was three years old, his mother's friend, a pianist, said that his hands were born for playing the piano.He also played it, and when he was ten years old, he had to participate in more and more competitions and won more and more gold medals. Compared with this, international awards in piano seemed to be meaningless.

It ended naturally, and no one felt sorry for him except the aunt who was the pianist.

Jing Xian took off the plastic film, let go of his hand, and was blown away by the wind.He opened the top cover of the cigarette box, not very skillfully, this was his first time.He took out a cigarette from it, looked carefully, looked up, down, left, and right, and turned around. He couldn't help seeing his own fingers, and gradually he became fascinated again.

In fact, apart from that aunt, there are still people who feel sorry for him.

is himself.

At the end of summer, the night is already very cool, and even when the wind passes by, the lake is still a little cool.

He was woken up by the cool wind, and then turned on the lighter. Yun Yuanshan's birthday was three days away, but he had no time to send it out.He thought of Yun Yuanshan's sentence "Oh my God, I might as well die!" He once thought that death was the most cowardly and stupid act in the world.

At this time, only "death" can save him.

He even couldn't wait to die.

But before he died, he didn't even have time to seriously rebel once, and now he can only rely on "smoking".

Jing Xian pursed the corners of his mouth and suddenly lowered his head and smiled.

The more people who don't like to laugh, the more touching their smiles.

Under the moonlight, even the summer wind was willing to stay for him, and his tie was blown a little.

He took a deep breath, loosened his tie, held a cigarette in one hand, and dialed the lighter with the other.He dialed once, no fire, dialed again, still no fire, and then dialed a third time, still no fire.

Jing Xian immediately refused. He has always been No.1 since he was a child, and he still can't light a lighter? !

Jing Xian sat up straight, and quickly dialed the lighter, but unfortunately, he dialed it for twenty or so, but it still didn't turn on.His hands were even faster, and he dialed dozens of times. Don't talk about fire, there is not even a spark!

The moment before suicide has come, what else is there to endure? !

Jing Xian has always been stable, but now he is really angry with a broken lighter. Although it is not expensive, it cost nearly two thousand anyway. How can the quality be so poor that it can't even light a lighter?Also let people not commit suicide?Want to smoke a cigarette before committing suicide, isn't that okay? !

Jing Xian dialed back and forth, completely angry, why is he going to die, and has to fight against him in everything? !

He was so angry that he reached out and smashed the lighter to the ground.

With too much force, the lighter fell hard into the ground not far away, rebounded again, and smashed in another direction.Jing Xian's breath was a little relieved, but before he could exhale, "Ah!!!", a tragic cry sounded from the next door.

Jing Xian was startled, immediately shrank his legs, instinctively moved closer to the tree, and stared at the neighbor with extreme vigilance.

After looking at it like this, I realized that there was a big rock next to the tree next door.

The voice came from behind the stone.

Jing Xian remained silent, staring closely, but no one spoke anymore.

Just as Jing Xian was about to move, "Who is this, throwing things around!", there was another voice.Jing Xian was slightly taken aback, did the lighter he just threw hit someone?He blinked, and continued to look at the big rock, "It hurts so much!!!", Jing Xian blamed himself a little, and a shadow gradually appeared behind the rock.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Jing Xian apologized repeatedly.

After apologizing, he supported the tree and stood up. Since there were people here, he had to change to another place to commit suicide again.Don't smoke, just jump into the river if you change places!

It's a pity that he sat for too long, and his legs and feet were always a little numb. He stood up and slowed down, just for a moment.

There was also some movement behind him. The moment before he died, Jing Xian really didn't want to see strangers.He didn't care about his legs, he raised his legs and was about to leave.

"Wait." The person behind called him.

Jing Xian naturally didn't listen, and the sound of footsteps and grass being crushed came from behind, "Wait!" The man walked closer, and Jing Xian could even smell a little wine.An alcoholic?Then I don't even want to see him anymore, Jing Xian continued to walk forward, his legs and feet were numb, it was inevitable that he must be a little slow, he watched the shadow of the man behind him getting closer and closer.

"Hey, brother, is this lighter yours?" The man spoke to him.

Mentioning the lighter, Jing Xian remembered that he had hit someone else, he said in a hurry: "It's mine, I'm sorry I hit you, I don't want it, I'll give it to you." to run.

"Hey! Wait, brother!" The man strode forward, getting closer to him, and the smell of wine was even closer.

Jing Xian is a little unhappy, what is going on!He hates the smell of alcohol the most!

"Brother, do you have a cigarette on you? Can you give me one?"

"..." He has it, but he doesn't want to give it to the drunkard.

"Just one." The man's voice was a little softer, and there was a little request mixed in. Jing Xian suddenly realized that the man's voice was very nice, so he hesitated.Unexpectedly, just after he hesitated for a few seconds, there was a cry from behind him, "Just a single cigarette? Brother! This is too miserable for me! I am so miserable! Not even allowed to smoke a cigarette?"

"..." Jing Xian felt a little speechless.

But the man cried even harder: "I'm so unlucky. I just fell in love, and I was dumped before a week! I asked him why he dumped me, and he replied to me. The reality is different from the dream! I'm too handsome, my personality is too Well, the voice is so nice, it’s just his dream, it’s just a short-term possession, it’s not love if you have it for a long time, only by breaking up quickly, can I become his dream forever! Said that I’m too shining, I’m only suitable for admiring from a distance!” He said Crying, "God damn dreams! God damn shines! God damn admires from a distance! Is it wrong for me to be fucking handsome? Is it wrong for me to be so good?!"

"..." Jing Xian was out of the closet three months ago, and has gradually suffered from depression since then.In the past three months, nothing could cause him any fluctuations.

Only at this time, he was crying and howling by the person behind him, and suddenly wanted to beat him up!He doesn't want to know the love story of strangers at all, okay!

Jing Xian took another deep breath, lifted his foot and continued walking.

But the drunkard followed him, clung behind him, crying and saying: "Don't be so courteous when chasing me, just throw it away if you say it, these people have no heart!"

"Just dump it, I'm not without other people chasing me, I went out to eat with another little girl who was chasing me, you know what I found? Terrible! Terrible!" He cried louder.

Jing Xian was almost bored to death by him.

He followed with a good step: "I found that I have no feelings for women!!! Brother! I can't fall in love with women!"

Then become a monk!Jing Xian was even more agitated, should suicide also turn over the calendar?Look what it's all about!

"Brother!!!" The man howled like a mourner.

Jing Xian is very annoying, he is not dead yet!

He couldn't bear it anymore, turned around and wanted to kick him a few times, kicking him far away, drunks should stay far away!

As soon as he turned around, the man was fine. He squatted on the ground, buried his face in his knees, and cried bitterly: "I'm done, I'm done, I'm really done..."

Now that he squatted down and didn't follow him, Jing Xian wanted to leave quickly, but he heard the man cry: "I've been completely broken, I can't fall in love with women anymore, my life is over... "

Hearing the word "Baiwan", Jing Xian raised his foot and put it down again.

The man was squatting on the ground crying, Jing Xian was standing, looking down at him, obviously he was quite tall, he could tell from the shadow, squatting here at the moment, it seemed really pitiful.

Jing Xian sighed, and asked him: "So you were dumped right after you were bent?"

"Hmmm!!!" The drunk was so wronged, "Three days! Only three days! I'm so pitiful!"

It was really pitiful, Jing Xian asked again: "Then you didn't work harder?"

“甩了我的人，我还要去跪舔他？！”醉鬼明明在哭，这句话偏又说得格外高傲，还很欠揍。

Jing Xian couldn't help laughing again.

"Brother! You are not kind! I am broken in love, and you are still laughing at me!" The man was crying, and suddenly raised his head.

Jing Xian laughed so hard that his dimples appeared, and he looked at him inadvertently, Jing Xian's mind went silent, no wonder others used the word "dream" to describe him.The man looked at Jing Xian, but was also dumbfounded.

Under the moonlight, the handsome young man was wearing a white shirt and a tie loosely around his neck, smiling sweetly at him with his head down.

Jing Xian doesn't like to laugh because of his dimples.With a smile, he immediately returned to his student appearance, besides, it was too sweet and did not match him.

He rarely smiled, the pear dimples were full of honey, and the drunk hadn’t sobered up yet, and he trembled unconsciously when he was sweetened by the two dimples of honey. The honey was mixed into the alcohol, and his wine seemed like Gradually woke up.

When the wind blew again, Jing Xian was the first to come back to his senses, he didn't know what this person was thinking.

He continued to stand, put away his smile and said lightly: "You drink too much, go home early, it's so late, don't wander around."

But the man shook his head: "I won't come back, I won't come back again. Living is boring, life is boring."

Jing Xian frowned, why did this sound more and more wrong the more he heard it?

"I came into this world by mistake..."

Jing Xian asked, "You don't want to live anymore?"

"Well, I don't want to live anymore."

It turned out that he didn't want to live.

Jing Xian had also met someone who wanted to commit suicide before. When he was a Ph.D. student, a senior sister with a good relationship delayed her graduation thesis for two years, and her graduation thesis was executed again. She ran to the top floor of the teaching building and wanted to jump off.He rushed over and said countless reasons, but the senior sister still jumped down.

He was puzzled at the time, why did he have to die, and what had to be resolved through "death".

It wasn't until the moment he chose to "suicide" that he understood what his senior sister was doing.

Any problem that seems worthless to you, or even not a problem, may have a fatal impact on others.

The "dream" brother in front of him is also, it sounds like he is not going to die at all.

But who knows how much sadness and helplessness is behind him.

The author has something to say: The product of the middle-of-the-night impulsiveness, it has blown our dream brothers to pieces.