gentle fairy tale

This autumn, Yu Mian secretly went back to Mingchuan several times.

Many times, she stood outside the house at No. 268 Anxi Road, standing outside the door, but dared not go in.

Sometimes when she looked up, she could see a light outside the window on the second floor.That was Pei Songxi's room.

She knew she was there, and that was fine.

During the New Year's Day holiday, when she went back again, she didn't tell anyone, not even her family and friends.

The weather was already very cold, Yu Mian was wearing a thick black down jacket and a woolen hat of the same color, her long hair fell down, and she was wearing a black fleece mask.

She walked from the street to the end of the street, wandered around several times, and made sure that the owner of No. 268 was not at home, and then she dared to enter the yard, very carefully.

She picked up a white jade earring in the grass downstairs, her heart moved, she looked around quietly for a long time, and then bent down to pick it up, the cold jade sticking to her palm that was hot from nervousness made her heart beat faster.

She hid it secretly and put it in her pocket.

At that moment, she felt guilty and blushed, feeling like a...little pervert, and even wanted to put the earrings back, but in the end she was still reluctant to put them down, and quietly took them away.

After returning to school, she looked at the earring in a daze, and asked it softly under the lamp: "Is your master okay?"

But the little jade can't speak, and there is a faint light shining on the desk lamp.

So she smiled, laughing at herself being a little silly.

Winter vacation is coming soon.

This winter, she didn't go home during the Chinese New Year.

To Yu Wenqing, she said she wanted to go back to Mingchuan, and the old man agreed with a sigh.To Pei Songxi...she said she was going back to Yu's house.Pei Songxi didn't say anything, just said hello softly.

In fact, Yu Mian didn't go anywhere. She lived in a hotel, very close to Anxi Road. It only took 10 minutes to walk there. She gradually figured out the regularity of that person's going out. It was not far away, waiting for her every day. come out.

Just by looking at her, her heart will be at peace, and she will return to the hotel, continue to work on architectural design, and concentrate on drawing.

Yu Mian knew how to reassure her, so she updated a lot of social news, some of which were pictures of other people saved online, rich and delicious New Year's Eve dinner, bright fireworks blooming in the sky outside the window, a stack of rich and festive red envelopes... She was a little guilty He took the picture away, added a filter, and posted it—only the Pei family and the Yu family could see it.

It was the first time for her to celebrate the new year alone, and she didn't feel lonely at all, instead she felt a kind of secret happiness.She went to the convenience store downstairs and bought two cans of beer. Strangely, she only took a sip and didn't want to drink it at all.She has many, many things to do, and she doesn't want to waste any more time.

On New Year's Eve, Yu Mian was drawing pictures in the hotel room until late at night, and when he checked his phone, it was past twelve o'clock.

There are greetings from grandparents and aunts, and... a 'Happy New Year' message from Pei Songxi and a money transfer message.

Same as last year.

Yu Mian looked at the dialog box with her, and replied "Happy New Year" to her, and within a few seconds, she saw that the other party was typing at the top.She held her breath and waited quietly for a few seconds. After a long time, there was no new news.

This new year passed in a special way. The day before returning to school, she was fully armed and walked around Anxi Road. When she was about to go back, she was stopped by someone: "...Yu Mian?"

Yu Mian became nervous for a moment, pulled up the mask, shrunk into a ball, and said in a muffled voice, "You've got the wrong person."

Tao Rang chuckled, "Are you acting? I'm Tao Rang."

Yu Mian breathed a sigh of relief, turned her head, her hat and mask completely covered her face, only revealing a pair of delicate and lively eyes.She asked in a low voice, "Tao Rang? Why are you here?"

Tao Rang looked at her like this, but the gentle and silent person laughed loudly: "Passing by, I am familiar with your back. Have you eaten yet?"

Yu Mian shook her head: "I haven't eaten, I'm going to the convenience store to buy some bread."

Tao Rang frowned: "Isn't your house near here?"

Yu Mian shook her head, remained silent, her beautiful eyes seemed to be able to speak.

Tao Rang seemed to understand something, lowered his head and smiled: "Okay, I'll treat you to a meal, let's go."

Yu Mian's first reaction was to refuse, after all, this place is too close to home, but she... She seldom talked to anyone in the past month, and always ate takeaway by herself in front of the computer.She suddenly wanted to sit in a busy shop, order steaming food, and chat with friends for a while.

Tao Rang saw her worry, and smiled: "Let's go. Go to Fuzhong to eat."

He reached out to stop the car, Yu Mian hesitated for a moment, and agreed.

Beef noodle restaurants, wonton stalls, hot pot restaurants, barbecue restaurants outside the attached middle school...they have eaten all of them under Xu Xiaoyan's leadership and are very familiar with them.

Tao Rang asked her, "What do you want to eat?"

Yu Mian did not hesitate: "Hot pot! I want to eat hot hot pot."

Tao Rang nodded: "Okay, you seem to be a disaster victim who has been hungry for many years."

Yu Mian pursed her lips and smiled, pretending to be angry and going to hit him on the shoulder, but when she stretched out her hand, she realized that this was not Liang Zhixing who was used to making troubles.She clenched her fingers and ran briskly in front of him: "Hurry up, I'm hungry!"

Tao Rang stood behind, looking at her back... such a lonely back.

He quickly caught up.

The authentic Sichuan-style hot pot they eat is fragrant, numbing and spicy.Yu Mian's ability to eat spicy food is not bad, but Tao Rang doesn't seem to be good at it. After eating, his fair and handsome cheeks turned red.Yu Mian hurriedly handed him water and told him not to eat, but he refused: "It's okay, let's have some with you."

Yu Mian laughed: "Okay, then don't force yourself."

Tao Rang drank some water and calmed down: "What are your plans next?"

The girl's cheeks were red, she was smoked by the heat of the hot pot, her eyes were clean and bright: "I, the volunteer I filled out at the time was for the 22-year education system, and I will be in the United States for the next two years. It will be the last semester after the school starts, and there are many things to do. Deal with it. I have to quit the club, take the English test, and the design drawings I made before... In short, it’s quite a lot.”

Tao Rang nodded: "It sounds like you will be working hard."

"Okay, how about you, what's next?"

"I applied for an exchange program, but it has not been confirmed yet. You know, there is a lot of competition for places to go abroad at public expense."

Yu Mian raised her glass and touched him: "I believe you can, I wish you good luck!"

Tao Rang also raised his cup: "Good luck."

After eating the hot pot, standing outside the entrance of the attached middle school, it happened to be the time for the evening class, Yu Mian looked at the students coming and going, and said softly: "Suddenly I miss that time very much."

Tao Rang also looked into the school, and said in a low voice, "Yes."

Yu Mian looked at it for a few seconds and then withdrew her gaze: "Okay, I'm leaving. I'm going back. I'm going back to school tomorrow. Go back early and pack your luggage."

Tao Rang nodded: "I'll see you off."

Yu Mian refused: "No, I'll take the bus back."

She didn't want him to know where she lived.

If she hadn't met him by chance, she didn't plan to tell her family and friends.

Tao Rang did not insist, and waited with her on the bus platform.

The young man's thin shoulders gradually became solid and broad like an adult's. He stood under the street lamp to look at the bus license plate, and the cold light of the street lamp dragged his shadow for a long time.

The car is coming soon.

Yu Mian jumped into the car first and said goodbye to him.

He watched her leave, waving at her in the night.

When she got back to the hotel, it was already very late. She put clothes, books, and shoes into boxes and packed them until two o'clock in the morning.When I went out at six o'clock the next morning, it was still very quiet outside.She turned her head and looked at the familiar Anxi Road, was silent for a few seconds, then turned and left.

On the high-speed train back to Yongzhou, she saw that her social space was full of pictures on the Internet, which were other people's New Year, accompanied by words that she worked hard to come up with, and the tip of her nose suddenly felt sore.

She quickly turned her head to look at the scenery outside the window.After a few seconds, the mood eased down.

Yu Mian searched for a long time in the phone photo album, and finally found a photo with Tao Rang in the hot pot restaurant... It was the only real one during the entire holiday.

So she posted a circle of friends: "Eat hot pot [excited] [cheers]"

The accompanying picture is a photo of them together.

The train moved forward, and when it passed through the tunnel, it suddenly became dark, Yu Mian pulled off the blindfold and began to catch up on sleep.

Generally, in the second year after a new funeral, relatives will come to visit.

Pei Songxi has always disliked taking care of these things. To arrest Pei Linmo and hand over all these messy things to him, it is rare to have half a day free.

She stood by the window, watching the light rain falling outside the window... suddenly felt a little dazed.

She remembered those dynamics of Yu Mianfa.

This is... her second year without her.

In the first year, she remembered that Yu Mian didn't send anything, which made her very worried about her. Even the messages she sent her at midnight on the first day of the new year, she replied in seconds, making her wonder if she was guarding her. Cell phone, waiting for her message.

But this year is different. She saw that she posted a lot of photos, such as delicious food, gorgeous fireworks, cards, fireplace... Although no one was photographed, she could feel that the person who took the photo was having a happy new year.

That's fine.

Mianmian, she will go back to her home after all.

Looking at the light rain outside the window, Pei Songxi was in a daze for a while, then suddenly remembered... Today seems to be the day when Yu Mian goes back to school.

She called her once at the beginning of the vacation and told her when to go back to school, and then... never spoke to her again.

The little girl who likes to lie on her lap seems to have finally grown up, and her attachment to her has finally faded—this is what she wanted, but when it really happened, she felt that somewhere in her heart was being held , leaving her out of breath.

Pei Songxi picked up her mobile phone to look at the calendar, and confirmed that today is the day when Yu Mian returns to school.

She clicked on the dialogue box and wanted to say something, such as asking her if her living expenses were enough, and asking her plans to start school... But she felt that these questions were blunt and abrupt, and finally clicked exit.

A little red dot appeared on the phone, she clicked on it, and saw a new social status.

She saw that the girl's cheeks were very red, her eyes were bright, and she seemed to be in a hot pot restaurant, looking very happy.

She saw the boy standing behind the girl, looking at her forever.

Pei Songxi thought, this is right.

Mianmian is the light of spring, and she is the sunlight at dusk. Reading under the street lamp, the words gradually become blurred.

Between them... so close, so far away.

She put down her phone and paced back and forth in the living room.

A certain emotion was involved, forming a dense net and capturing her.

Pei Linmo just came out after dealing with a bunch of messy things, and she felt dizzy when she saw her walking back and forth: "Sister... my dear sister, you have pushed the matter to me, what are you still worried about now?"

She froze for a moment, then stopped: "I...I didn't."

Pei Lin silently sat down on the sofa: "Please, look at your own expression before talking. You are in a bad mood and under too much pressure, so go to sleep."

"Well... I'm going to rest."

Pei Songxi walked upstairs, stopped after a few steps, stood on the stairs without looking back, and asked him softly, "Lin Mo, do I look bad?"

Pei Linmo was taken aback by her serious tone. He was startled and stood up: "No, no, no, I just said that casually. You must be too tired. Go back to sleep."

Pei Songxi smiled in a low voice: "Okay, I see."

She pushed open the door without turning on the light, and the room was deserted and clean.

She sat down by the bed and took half of the melatonin, which has been of no use recently. She still suffers from insomnia and hasn't taken it for a long time.

She gently pulled the drawer beside the bed, the small silver lock shook slightly, and there was a flash of light in the darkness.

Pei Songxi breathed a sigh of relief, rubbed his eyebrows, and called Zhou Qingyuan: "Qingyuan, are you free? I'll come over now."

Zhou Qingyuan said that she was at the clinic, waiting for her to pass.

Zhou Qingyuan was stepping on the stool and wiping the dust off the bookshelf when the door creaked open, which almost scared her.

She jumped down, opened the chair and sat down. When she saw Pei Songxi, she was stunned for a moment: "Songxi? Have you not slept for a few days?"

Pei Songxi's voice was clear and calm, and she was still calm as usual, sitting opposite her: "I don't remember, it's been a few days, and I have severe insomnia."

Zhou Qingyuan frowned: "What's wrong with you?"

Pei Songxi pursed her lower lip: "I... I don't know."

Zhou Qingyuan stood up, locked the door behind her, and adjusted her tone to chat with her: "Is there anything that bothers you recently?"

Pei Songxi shook his head: "No, I can't talk about troubles. I just... just feel that my mood is very wrong now."

"Well... let's talk about it."

Zhou Qingyuan poured her a cup of tea and passed it over: "Speak slowly, it's still early."

She took it and drank it, with a cold voice and a steady tone: "This year's Chinese New Year, Mianmian didn't come back. At home... my grandma passed away last autumn, and the house suddenly became much deserted. I... I seem to be a little uncomfortable."

Zhou Qingyuan knew that she had a deep relationship with Zhou Ruyun, and she must be in a bad mood to lose a loved one suddenly, but she was a little puzzled: "Then why didn't you ask Yu Mian to go home? It would be much better to have someone by your side."

"... She called me before the holiday and said she was going back to Qingning."

"You can ask her if she would like to come over."

"No," Pei Songxi refused decisively, "I can't."

Zhou Qingyuan seemed to have vaguely touched on the crux of the problem: "Songxi? Are you asking too much of yourself? When everyone is emotionally vulnerable, I know you are adjusting the way you get along with your little girl, but this At this time, you may be able to be weaker."

Pei Songxi smiled lightly: "No. No."

Zhou Qingyuan stared at her, and slowly came to a conclusion: "Your reason tells you that you can't, but in fact, you miss her very much."

Pei Songxi's smile froze for a moment, she lowered her eyes, her long eyelashes drooping like crow feathers: "I...I miss her."

She gradually realized that she was wrong.

Since she was in Europe last year, that summer, she looked at the roses in the flower garden, and suddenly felt the unusual possessiveness and control desire in her heart... No, it may even be earlier than that, as early as she saw the young When I was a studio teacher, the seeds seemed to have been planted.

She obviously wanted to push her away, but when she thought of the roses she had planted and now became the radiance in other people's eyes, she felt emotionally clattering.

When she saw the picture of her and her friends on the train, when she heard her talking to her companions, when she saw... saw that boy looking at her forever, the seeds began to grow wildly, dense vines grew, and the Her heart invaded.

Why... why has it been so long, it will be two years soon.When Mianmian seemed to no longer need her, she would miss her so crazily and miss her.

but……

but.

She... is the only bond between her and this world.

Zhou Qingyuan called her name softly: "Songxi, Songxi, are you okay?"

Pei Songxi looked up: "I'm fine."

Zhou Qingyuan stared at her with worried eyes: "I'm starting to worry about you."

Pei Songxi forced a little smile: "Prescribe me some medicine."

Zhou Qingyuan was completely stunned: "What did you say?"

"I said, you prescribe medicine."

"You haven't taken medicine for a long time. How many years has it been, more than ten years, and you have been emotionally stable for so many years, why do you suddenly want to prescribe medicine again? No, don't be impulsive."

"I'm not impulsive. It's been a long time, and I can't fall asleep with melatonin and sleeping pills alone."

Zhou Qingyuan's eyebrows gradually tightened, she turned her head, took a few deep breaths, and then suppressed the concern and shock of her friend, and changed into a calm tone when chatting with the patient: "Then let's have a chat, are you still there?" What do you think you did wrong in this matter?"

Pei Songxi was silent for a while, and then said: "I told you about those in the past... It's because I didn't handle the way of getting along with Mianmian well that it caused the troubles I have now."

"At this moment, what you care more about is not this, but because you miss her very much. You think it's wrong, don't you?"

Pei Songxi nodded slowly: "Yes."

For so many years, when she was looking for Yu Mian's family in private, she thought about sending her away, and also thought about not being able to find her family, and watching her form a new family with her beloved.

But now... Now it's just because of her selfishness.Because she missed her, because of that inexplicable possessiveness, because her mood turned bad when she saw that boy... She even wanted to take her back, and wanted to keep her by her side for the rest of her life.

Fortunately, his sanity survived.

She was wrong, it shouldn't be like this.

Zhou Qingyuan was stunned by her answer, and a vague guess formed in her heart—she seemed to have touched some untouchable feelings, and she was painfully blaming herself for it.

But can things like emotions really be controlled by reason?

She sighed softly from the bottom of her heart: "Songxi, you are in a dead end now. There are some things I can't comment on. But what I can say is that you can no longer attribute everything to yourself, you You know, just... Just like back then, you can be more tolerant to yourself, okay?"

Zhou Qingyuan was a few years younger than Pei Songxi.

When Pei Songxi came to the psychological consultation clinic for the first time, she was still very young, only in her teens, and it was Zhou Qingyuan's uncle who chatted with her, and they had known each other since then.Later, when Zhou Qingyuan went to university and also majored in psychology, the person chatting with Pei Songxi became her.

She heard from her uncle about the Pei family.

At that time, Pei Songxi's mother was depressed, and her father locked her up at home for too long, and tricked her into taking her out.But as soon as she went out, her mother found an opportunity to buy sleeping pills and a knife. It is said that it was a rainy day when she died. Saw the scene where she died.

Thinking of this, Zhou Qingyuan felt a little uncomfortable.

She still remembers how she looked when she first met Pei Songxi. She looked only a little older than her, but her eyes were cold and defensive.

She knew she hadn't spoken for two years because she blamed herself too much.

However, Pei Songxi doesn't seem to take much medicine, is very restrained, and doesn't have a strong dependence.

Especially after she became an adult, she is a very strong-willed person who is very strict with herself. She usually only comes to the clinic once every six months to a year, and the amount of medicine she takes is also strictly calculated.

But for a long, long time, while chatting, Zhou Qingyuan found that she was still blaming herself.

Her heart still lives in the rainy night of her teenage years, and she never came out.

Later, her dose of medicine was reduced, and the number of times she came to the clinic was also reduced. After that, she stopped coming. Occasionally, when she was in a bad mood, she would call and chat for a while, and it seemed to be all right.

For this reason, Zhou Qingyuan wondered for a long time why she came out suddenly.

Zhou Qingyuan knew that there was a new child in her family, and it was already a few years later.

At that time, she looked at the photos sent by Pei Songxi, saw her holding a teenage girl by the hand, and suddenly understood what had cured her.She also smiled and told Shen Sushang that she wanted a child that belonged to them.

Maybe others don't understand, but Zhou Qingyuan understands best - what Yu Mian means to her.

Seeing that she was silent, Zhou Qingyuan couldn't help sighing: "Songxi, from the perspective of a psychiatrist, I can't say more. But as a friend, I don't want to see you so sad."

Pei Songxi raised his head and smiled: "I'm fine, why are you so nervous?"

Zhou Qingyuan knew she couldn't be persuaded... She was too assertive and logical before.

When she was a teenager, she talked with many psychiatrists, and she couldn't get out of that memory.It wasn't until she became an adult that she set boundaries and principles for herself, and she seemed to temporarily let go of the previous things.

The more determined, logical, and rational a person is, the more difficult it is to persuade.

Such people only live in their own world.

She was very helpless: "Okay, I will prescribe you some medicine, but you must control the dose...not only for yourself, Yu Mian will also feel sad when she finds out."

She deliberately added the second half of the sentence, because she was afraid that she would be too cruel to herself.

Pei Songxi nodded, still very calm: "Well, I know."

When she left the clinic, Zhou Qingyuan looked at her worriedly: "Songxi, if you miss her, go and see her. If you have anything to say, maybe you can sit down and have a good chat."

Pei Songxi shook his head: "...No."

She is the girl who grew up around her.As long as she speaks, as long as she speaks, Mianmian will definitely stay.

But the more this happened, the more she couldn't speak.

She watched her grow up, she was almost 20 years older than her... Not to mention, she knew how cold and embarrassed her heart was, how could she selfishly ask her to stay for her.

"Okay, I'm leaving."

She stepped into the light rain, her back was thin and lonely.

When I got home, my clothes were soaked.

Pei Songxi put down the medicine, and she found a key from the bookshelf. It must have been there for more than ten years. Fortunately, she remembered correctly, it was still in the original position.

This is the spare key for the drawer, which has always been in her room, but Yu Mian didn't know it, because she promised her, and never used it.

But now... Now that she is not by her side, it seems that Pandora's box has been opened again.

It was obvious that winter was about to pass, but at this moment, she felt a kind of calmness.

There used to be sunshine and wind in her world, but now, it seems... It's closed tightly again.