Asakusa no worries

"I'll turn off the light."

"OK, good night."

"Good night."

This is our last conversation.We didn't go to bed until eleven o'clock in the evening, ready to end this tiring day.

Once again I can get so close to Fuse...his chest under his white sweater is rising and falling rhythmically, and he seems to be asleep.I turned sideways and looked at his little face through the moonlight coming in.He slept deeply, I rarely saw him so well-behaved before, like a cute child, I couldn't help raising the corners of my mouth...

I remember when we were in the same class in the first year of junior high school, this kid was either sleeping on the table or playing games, or joking around with the people around him at the back of the classroom.And I was sitting in the front, and sometimes it was really uncomfortable to think about it. I turned left and right to look, and there were teachers everywhere. Let alone playing games, I couldn’t talk secretly for a while, so I had to study hard.

At that time, Fuse was smaller than now, just like a kid running around on the street. I didn't expect to grow up to be so beautiful and handsome in just a few years.By the way, Fuse and I have known each other for almost five years from the first year of junior high school to the second year of high school, but we have never been able to observe him as carefully as today.Because at that time we all had our own small teams, and it was almost impossible to play together.I like to take part in physical exercise, such as playing football and swimming; while he, he mostly does some meaningless things every day.Sometimes I would talk to him a few words, but in the end we didn't get to know each other well.

When I was divided into classes in high school, I chose English, and he chose mathematics, so we separated.Since then, the relationship has become even more distant, just staying at the level of waving hands and passing by.

Unexpectedly, just five days... just five days.

Everything has changed drastically, the past has completely become the past...

"Have you... ever been with a man?"

Everything that happened that night is vivid and lingering.

Every part of Fuse's body was hot, every breath and breath, I remember clearly.His voice, his smell, seem to have never faded in my memory...

I knew he was so drunk that night that he had no idea what he was talking about.In addition, being cheated by his girlfriend made him feel very uncomfortable.But my consciousness is sober, and I still made an unforgivable mistake. I ruined such a precious word as "friend" to nothing.

I don't know what Fuse is thinking, maybe he can't remember clearly, and someday in the future he might completely forget it all, but I... I'm afraid I can't forget it easily.Every night for several days, there wasn't a day when I didn't think about that moment.That moment when he was all mine and I was all his.Thinking of the way we hugged each other tightly, thinking of our hearts beating strongly in the same rhythm... thinking about it, I would even accidentally fall into it, and I would feel that it is good to keep him by my side.

I'm not gay and I don't like boys, I've never been sexually interested in a guy, just this guy lying next to me... only him is special.

Every touch with Fuse makes my heart beat wildly like being electrocuted.Every time I see his face and those alluring red lips, I know that he is the only one, and I just want to love him alone.Every time we are together, I have to try my best to restrain myself and not let myself do anything outrageous to Fuse... Every time I call Fuse's name, I have to soberly remind myself that he is just my friend.

I don't understand why these weird feelings only come from him, and what is this oppressive feeling?

Is it love... no... I'm not sure if this can be called love yet, it happened so fast that it didn't have time to brew.

I haven't gotten to the point where I love Fuse...

But if not...

So what is it?What is the emotion that is suppressed in my heart?

Whenever I try to find an answer, my mind starts buzzing, overwhelming, and chaotic.All the fear of the unknown, the feeling of being indescribable, and the sense of responsibility for taking something wrong, all writhed and fought in my head so much that my head felt like it would burst if I stirred it.I only heard one voice in the end, I want Fuse, I want to keep him, I want his smile, I want his laugh, I want his all.No matter the consequences, no matter the cost, I will do the same.Even if it's just my wishful thinking, it's just my desire to vent for short-term happiness, even if I really don't want to do it... Even if it has nothing to do with love, I still want to do it.

I know all of this clearly, but I just can't control it. I can't control the truest emotion in my heart, just like I can't control my future fate.

...I close my eyes and start thinking about what Fuse said to me last night...

Then, the chest began to ache.

I am oppressed by this guilt all the time.

That night can be counted as over if we just said it. Maybe for us two boys, there is no loss in doing such a thing, and I don't have to bear any responsibility.But I won't do that, and I won't evade my responsibilities because of my unbearable behavior.Since the mistake has already happened, then I should try my best to make up for it. As long as Fuse says a word, even if I abandon everything, even lose the future, I will do my best to take care of him.Even if he doesn't say anything, I'm already prepared for this...

You say that I think too naively, or do not recognize the reality.

I know the hardest part is that he is 100% straight like me.He has a girlfriend, and he loves her like hell.I knew from the way Fuse looked at me that he never thought too much about me...

But even so, every pore in my body screamed deafeningly, I want him.

I want him to be by my side all the time...

I know it's really selfish of me to be like this, but I really have no other way.And, even if there were other ways, I know very well that my heart does not intend to do so.

"Well…"

The person next to me let out a muffled groan, pausing my thoughts.

Fuse turned sideways, facing me and continued to sleep.I don't know if he was having a nightmare, his eyebrows were twisted into a pimple, his body was dripping with sweat, and he kicked the quilt.

I frowned.The undershirt is thin, the trousers are short, and the air conditioner is still turned on so low, what should I do if I catch a cold.

I pulled the quilt, helped him cover it, and then reached out and stroked his forehead, hoping to calm him down.I don't know why, just touching the ends of his hair can make me stunned. This guy with short short hair who has been wearing a naughty face since the first day of junior high school actually makes me obsessed to such an extent.

"Ah——————!!!!!!!" He suddenly yelled, and I haven't recovered yet.

Fuse snapped his eyes open, panting.

"What's wrong with you, hehehe..." Although I was taken aback, I was immediately amused by his startled behavior. Fuse blinked at me vaguely, as if adjusting to the darkness.

"I'm having a nightmare...cough...cough..." He was still panting, and my heart ached.

"What did you dream about?"

"It's like a bear, it's as big as a dinosaur! Chasing me, chasing me, I accidentally fell into the volcano! The magma is so hot...cough...cough...Made, do it This dream is exhausting..." Seeing him complain solemnly, I couldn't help laughing, "What the hell are you laughing at, is it funny!"

"Hahaha, is this a nightmare for you? I think it's more like an action movie."

"Damn chicken, you bastard!!!!!!" I think he would swear every time he was overwhelmed, hehe... "By the way, why are you still awake?" Fuse asked, maybe he saw I'm not in a state of just waking up.

"Oh, I'm not sleepy yet." I actually wanted to say that I wasn't thinking about you, because I couldn't sleep because of the headache.

"Yeah, then you can do whatever you want, I'm going to go back to sleep." Fuse said perfunctorily, then closed his eyes, still facing me to go back to sleep.

I ventured closer and wrapped my arms around him.As a result, Fuse must have opened his eyes again, looking at me with a puzzled expression of 'Why are you hugging me'.

"No, it's hot!"

"But I'm a little cold, let me hug you for a while."

"Tao, cover yourself with a quilt when it's cold!"

"No, it's hot to hold you." Fuse glared at me, and finally sighed in surrender. "You can also use me as a pillow, hang it up as you like."

"Really??" He shook his eyebrows at me slyly, wondering what bad idea he was thinking.

"Well, really!"

Fuse showed a satisfied smile, and then lifted his feet to hang on my body, "I'm going to press you like this all night, I don't believe you will be exhausted!!!" He looked down on me.

"Come on, our skeletons are not on the same model, compare with me and see who will get tired first, hehe..."

"Really!!!!" Fuse pushed my lower abdomen with his knee, and I didn't feel much pain.He raised his head and pouted at me, then yawned big, "I'm so sleepy, I'm going to sleep, good night."

"Well, good night, I hope you can have a good dream this time."

"Hmm..." His voice gradually sank, dissipating in my chest.He really treated me like a pillow, wrapped around my back, and fell asleep deeply.

No matter how you look at it, I think this guy is so cute.

I rub him into my arms too, and put my jaw against his head.Well, the fragrance of the shampoo is really nice.I couldn't help smiling, thinking that I would have a good dream tonight.

I no longer care about what the feelings are now.

Just being able to hold Fuse is enough.

I don't need anything else...