i go to utopia

In my parents' plan, I should not exist.

Or to put it in a less pleasant way, maybe my two older sisters shouldn't exist either.

My eldest sister is 17 years older than me, my second sister is 15 years older than me, and then I had my brother.According to what I heard in the later days, my brother was a good boy with all-round development of morality, intelligence, physique, art and labor since he was a child, and he was very popular with the neighbors.

My mom got herself ringed after giving birth to my brother and then accidentally gave birth to me 13 years later.She was already in her 30s when she gave birth to me, and she was not in good health. I don’t know where she heard the feudal superstition news that she was in poor health because of having my son, and that she would put me in If someone else's family goes to raise her, her body will get better.

Just stupid, ignorant.

When facing a stupid person, you should never expect to convey your normal logic to the other person.

For example, if you like someone of the same sex, you shouldn't tell them that I like people of the same gender, I didn't hurt anyone, I didn't do anything wrong.You should bring your own logic down to the same level as theirs, and tell her——I went to burn incense in the temple some time ago, and the Bodhisattva dreamed at night that I was destined to have no children, and only by being with this person in this life can I avoid disasters and avoid pain , a smooth life.

After I became a little bit self-aware, every time I thought of my brother and his boyfriend, after a short period of blankness in my brain, I would inexplicably start thinking mockingly that they were two underdeveloped brains. Sound fool.

I turned my nose up at them and at everyone around me.

It's just that I didn't expect that I would meet one of these two fools in my lifetime.

·

In the first few months before the college entrance examination, Liu Meijing kept asking me where I wanted to study in university. She was so annoying, noisy, and had something to say every day. She also said that day that she would go to the ruined bridge to take pictures, saying yes To leave an image of her before the college entrance examination in this city.

I don't want to go at all, I'm bored and I don't like taking pictures.

Liu Meijing grabbed my clothes and said to me, "Come on~" She said that the bridge was about to be demolished, and she thought she should take some photos with me.

The few people who played better with her teased and booed and said they would help her take pictures of me.

Impatiently, I took the bus to the almost deserted place, impatiently followed the excited people, and impatiently raised my eyes to see a stranger.

The stranger had a smile on his face, and he glanced at me with a smile on his face.

It took me thirteen or fourteen long breaths to get myself up and quickly walk away from him.

Li Cu always laughed at me afterwards, lamenting that my memory is amazing, and I would nod in agreement with him. For a long time, I worked very hard to play a good boy in front of Li Cu.

Be obedient, be quiet, and be good.

I don't think I have any purpose. If I have to say I have, then I can only say shamelessly that I think he will like it.

I'll be honest, I never expected him to like me in the first place, and I didn't feel like I liked him.

I just felt like I met him and I wanted to touch him and be around him.

I do not know why either.When I saw him, I didn't know who he was, where he lived, what he did at work, and whether he fell in love again after a breakup.

I do not know anything.

Just know oh, I met him.

Then my mind went blank, it couldn't control my body or my mind anymore.

·

After the college entrance examination, I applied for a university in Shangmian City. I told my eldest sister that I would go to school early, and she took me to the station. When I left, she stuffed 500 yuan into my pocket, and then told me: "Qiu Shui You should study hard."

I was impatient with things like parting from my family, and even more impatient with the non-painful way of persuading me to study hard, so I hummed casually and got on the bus to leave.

Liu Meijing sent me a WeChat message on the day I took the bus to go out with me. When I received the WeChat message, I was sitting next to the window of the bus. After getting on the expressway, the sun and shadows outside the window quickly moved backwards. In the past, I felt a kind of freedom like running towards my destination, and I called Liu Meijing directly, almost maliciously. After the call was connected, I told her word by word in the mobile phone: "Liu Meijing, I want to It's been a long time since I thought I still don't like you."

After hanging up the phone, I felt like I was more free.

A few months later, I tried to let Li Cu know that I was not as obedient as he thought, and told him about me and Liu Meijing. Li Cu told me with a half-smile, "Qiu Shui, you are terrible".

Qiu Shui, you are terrible.He didn't know at the time that I had worse things that I didn't tell him.

Then he told me that I shouldn't treat other people's sincerity like this. I didn't care much about his words, but I didn't tell him that I wanted to look like I listened to him.

It wasn't until Li Cu didn't want me anymore that I realized that there is such a thing as retribution in this world.

Or my retribution. When I saw him kissing my brother when I was five years old, when I squatted by the well at home and poked the soil with a wooden stick, I asked my mother casually: "Mom, why does my brother talk to another big brother?" Are you kissing?"

My retribution should have started that summer.

Finding out that she likes Li Cu must be one of the karmas.

·

During the Mid-Autumn Festival, I confessed to Li Cuo the mistakes I made. He stared at me for a long time. There was a brown mole on his right cheek, which could only be seen when he was not smiling. He also bent slightly as if smiling, and after a brief silence, he looked at me with a smile and said, "Thanks for your hard work."

He felt that it was very difficult for me to carry this burden in my heart for so many years. At that time, I suddenly hoped that Li Cu was not Li Cu, but that he was Yang Cu, Li Cu, Zhang Cu, or whatever.

I don't feel like I'm floating in mid-air suddenly because he is Li Cuo, and my limbs have no strength. I just because he is him, not anyone or anyone.Then I started wishing he could make me love him.

Li Cu bent his eyes and laughed, his voice was very calm, and his own mood was not affected by what I said. Li Cu has always been calm, and he was very calm when he encountered anything from the very beginning. It is water, water that can accommodate hundreds of rivers.

Li Cu retracted his body in front of me, leaned on his driver's seat and said a word slowly: "Stupid." He made a final judgment on what I did.

I wiped the tears from my face and asked in a low voice if he would be angry?

He seemed amused by my question: "Angry at what?"

I explained, "Did it never occur to you that all of you might be fine without me?"

Li Cu spit out three more words slowly: "Too stupid."

I rubbed my nose and felt an inexplicable sadness. When I was young, I felt that the people around me were idiots, and I needed to adjust my logic to their level to communicate with them. I think now I am in Li In Cu's eyes, he is also a fool who needs to switch logic.

Li Cu took a few more sheets of paper from the car and handed them to me, and I took them and thanked them in a low voice.

Li Cuo said: "It's not your fault, you were just a kid who didn't know anything." He was silent for a moment, and sighed helplessly, "If you studied history in high school, you should know how to capture the bus. Hell was not the root cause of the French Revolution."

I almost formed a kind of reflex and hummed first, and then I told him after thinking for a moment: "I majored in science in high school."

After listening to my words, Li Cuo let out a muffled laugh. He didn't respond to my words. He raised his wrist and compared his watch to me, reminding me: "It's almost one o'clock, don't go to work." ?”

He treats me like a child. From the very beginning when I ran to Shangmian Market to find him, he treats me as an unreasonable child. After I slept with him, he treated me as a child who was short of money and told him that my brother is After Qu Qiuyi, he regarded me as a child who lacked love, and now he still treats me as an ignorant child.

Feeling a bit frustrated, I asked him, "Do you think I'm a child because I cry in front of you all the time?"

Li Cu looked at me and blinked slowly, with sporadic smiles flying on his eyelashes: "Qiu Shui, relax, you are just a child."

I tried to remind him again: "I'm over it."

He was still smiling: "I am 13 years older than you, no matter how you look at it, you will think you are a child."

I said, "I made love to you."

"..." He choked very rarely.

I stared at him, at the brown mole on his cheek, I don't know if my brother would point at my face and call me cheeky if he was alive, but I think there is nothing wrong with my thick skin.

After choking for a short while, Li Cu followed my words with a half-smile and an exclamation of unknown meaning: "Yes——"

He once told me that when chatting with people, some words can make people have no room to chat, and can stop the conversation between the two of them suddenly. I think his two words with unclear meanings mean that he did not talk about this with me. The desire to continue talking about the topic.

I reopened the topic: "Will you pick me up after get off work?"

Li Cu said "ah" slowly as if he didn't hear it.

I repeated: "After get off work, you pick me up and go home."

Li Cu responded casually: "Aren't you going to come to the milk tea shop to help tomorrow?"

I said, "Then you send me over tomorrow."

Hearing this, Li Cu glanced at me, the corners of his eyes were still slightly tilted, and he smiled at me: "Qiu Shui, you are bullying me."

"I didn't." I answered him seriously.

He added unhurriedly: "It's hard for me to have a vacation, and I have to pick you up. Isn't this bullying me?"

I know he just doesn't want me to live in his house, he doesn't want me anymore.He used to say that I spoke frankly several times, and he spoke like an old fox, making people feel that nothing happened, and slowly alienating each other, he is a jerk.I wiped my eyes and asked him aloud: "I asked you some time ago if we were in a relationship, and you said yes."

Li Cu blinked at me slowly, obviously and pretending to be surprised: "Is there such a thing?"

"Yes!" I couldn't help but look up at him.

Li Cuo smiled slowly, and he whitewashed peace with a smile: "Okay, okay, stop making trouble, go to the milk tea shop, it's time, promise others to arrive before one o'clock, don't be a person who breaks promises. "

I stared at him until my eyes were a little sore, he was still smiling, which made me a little annoyed, I stretched out my hand over the center control position between me and him, put my hands on his face, and leaned over I kissed him on the mouth, retracted my body and said to him: "You have to be responsible to me."

He blinked slowly, and I opened the car door and got out. When I closed the car door, I saw Li Cu tapping his fingers on the steering wheel a little restlessly. When I was about to trot to the milk tea shop, he pressed the car window and shouted I said, "Qiu Shui."

I looked back at him: "Huh?"

He told me in a soft voice, "It's not your fault, you have to move on."

"..."

He laughed, and said in a coaxing tone like a child: "Be obedient."