i go to utopia

Before the Mid-Autumn Festival in September, my cousin Yan Lan specially called me to ask if I would go home for the festival. He was ordered by his parents to invite me to go home for the reunion festival. The melancholy that fits his body shape really doesn't fit the festive atmosphere. I accidentally overheard and thought he was going to prepare for my funeral.

I immediately stopped his long and short sighs with two beeps: "Your tone doesn't sound like you want me to go back for the holidays."

Yan Lan sighed: "Brother, I'm done, I'm leading someone to introduce me to."

I'm very sorry, I can't understand his type of despair at all, so I just let out a short oh in the next second, and then joked casually: "Aren't you dissatisfied with the leader who assigns you work and also introduces people?"

Yan Lan ignored my words very impolitely, and said there on her own: "I went to see my grandma at the end of last month. It's the age to be buried..." Yan Lan paused at this point, "Why do you talk like that."

Yan Lan's mother is the eldest in her family, and when she got married, Yan Lan was the eldest of their grandchildren. Even though she is a grandson, since she was young, she was able to talk and coax the old people in the same way. The elders on his mother's side liked it very much. he.

I really can’t go on with this. When I was young, I had very little relationship with elders. Before I was born, my grandfather died in the river in Changkang. A widower who died of illness for four or five years. At that time, my mother had grown up and worked as a nurse in a county hospital. She spent all day in the hospital disposing of the excrement of those who could not take care of themselves. At that time, my uncle was still When I was young, I lived with my grandmother under someone else's roof, thinking that I received a lot of looks from the other party. For a while, I couldn't read any more. My mother gritted her teeth and took my uncle out of my grandmother's house, and began to take care of him by myself.

She is not much older than my uncle, but treating my uncle may be more like a mother than a mother. When I listen to my uncle lamenting the past, I sometimes think that my mother may treat my uncle all her life to make up for my insistence. It was the uncle who died because of her negligence.

After she got married, my mother insisted on letting her uncle who had no place to live live in her new house with my father’s. The new house was very small. My uncle told me on the night of the New Year’s Eve dinner when I was in the third year of junior high school—— separated by a curtain The two spaces opened, one part belongs to the newly married couple and the other part belongs to the wife's younger brother.I still remember that when he described the scene to me at that time, he drank some, his face was a little red, and he said with a smile - I would be embarrassed too, so I always liked to wander outside during that time, your mother still thinks I Learning to be bad, holding my ear and ordering me to stop being a punk on the street.When my uncle told me these words, the atmosphere at the dinner table was still happy and harmonious, as if the entire table was filled with a loving family. My dad poured wine for my uncle with a smile; my mother smiled and poured chicken soup on the table. Put the chicken legs in Yan Lan's bowl into Yan Lan's bowl, saying that he is growing and needs to eat more; my aunt is sitting and my grandmother is chatting with the old man with a smile in a low voice.But my memory has always been good, so it is very inappropriate to remember the unscrupulous dialogue when my parents quarreled when I was young. My father smashed several glasses at home, pointed at my mother and shouted angrily. Roar said that my mother is a loser, and it’s fine to marry without any dowry and bring a oil bottle with healthy hands and feet.

But obviously these unpleasant scenes should not be remembered in this warm reunion occasion. After all, our family was living a new life at that time, and the new life was good. I borrowed money to buy a second-hand house when I was born, and my family has a third house, which is a new house that has not had time to dissipate the smell of new paint.

And my grandma lived with that widower for more than ten years. She took care of her old partner for more than ten years without complaint. Once his wife died of cerebral hemorrhage, she was lived by the widower's biological children for more than ten years. The house was driven out, and it returned from a state of nothing to a state of nothing.

The old man had a bad relationship with my mother since he was a child. After being kicked out, he cried at the door of his house for several days. He wanted to cry to the neighbors to see who the family was. Later, he didn’t know who said it. Now it is the law. The times have to use legal means to deal with that family. She took care of this old man for more than ten years, and she couldn't get anything for no reason. She didn't dare to find my mother and had to find her own son. When I went to live at home, I heard the old man's babbling and crying, and I realized that she lived in someone else's house, she just lived in it, and she didn't say anything about getting a marriage certificate. They were all looking for a place to live. When they were very young, they were sold to my grandfather as a child bride-in-law. They took care of my grandfather’s life and gave birth to children for my grandfather. After my grandfather died, they quickly lived in another place. In the widower, the grandmother is like the dodder flower, which must rely on others to survive.My grandmother passed away when I was in my second year of high school. I think she only belonged to me for these two years in her life. When she was old, she realized that she could live without a man relying on her. Of course, all of this is my own that I added to my grandmother’s life. Thoughts, in the years after I left Changkang City, I would always try to find out the reason why I got such a result in the clues of my life.

Sometimes I feel that there are too many reasons, and it’s all the fault of the world. I’m just a ridiculous marionette, walking the established route according to the established track of life.

But in my third year of junior high school, I didn't know anything.And I am very excited to feel that my life seems to be getting better and better-my mother works as the head nurse in the hospital, and the work is relatively easy. And so on; my uncle's job is getting better and better, his job is on the rise, every day he is invited to dinner by courteous people; my dad's unit allocated a suite for him, he is the second child in the family, there are three Son, he has always been the one who is ignored. He rarely has a sense of presence in the family. His grades in school are not as good as that of the eldest, his personality is not as lively as that of the third, and his work has been mediocre for a few years. Speaking, after moving to a new house, his parents and his elder brother and younger brother came to observe the decoration of the new house. My father eagerly introduced them to the newly installed TV, air conditioner, refrigerator, and washing machine. provided a room so that they could come and live whenever they wanted.

I fully understand that a man may spend his entire life trying to fight against his father. A man’s rebellious period can last a lifetime. For example, if my father is such a person, then I will definitely not be the same as my father in my future life. My father gave birth to me like this, so when I raise my next generation, I must resolutely put an end to the mistakes my father made when raising me.

I fully understand the admiration you have for your father when you're a kid, and under that admiration there's an undercurrent of almost rebellion against his hegemony.

It’s like my dad is looking forward to his father’s appreciation, and under this appreciation is a very deliberate indifference and disdain.

Anyway, no matter what happened afterwards, on the New Year's Eve when I was about to take the senior high school entrance examination in my third year of junior high school, my family was in very good condition, happy and healthy, and the future was bright.

My dad got his long-lost compliment from his father, my grandmother is living with my mom and uncle again, my mom's job is going well and I have good grades, and my uncle's road to promotion is on the way walking forward.

That was when I was 15 years old and almost 16 years old. What I was more worried about at the time was whether I would get more red envelopes after the New Year’s Eve dinner. My cousin Yan Lan’s final exam was too bad. Can I not help him with his homework? , and a little bit of a lack of understanding of self-aptitude.

Other than that it's fine, everything has happened and nothing can happen in time.

**

When Yan Lan mentioned his grandmother, I casually asked how the old man was doing.

Yan Lan sighed—a 90-year-old man with a bucket in his hand said that he would plow the open space in his yard to grow some vegetables.

I sneered twice: "You are in good health."

Yan Lan started to sigh again, I really couldn't bear it: "Introduce someone to you, just go on a blind date and see what's wrong, why are you so repulsive?"

Yan Lan hesitated for a while, then he asked me very distressed: "What if I don't like the blind date?"

If it is allowed, I really want to roll my eyes at Yan Lan on the other end of the phone. Seeing that he is my younger brother, I can't help but patiently say: "If you don't like it, you should communicate with the woman and explain it to her, and then I will talk to you again." Go back and explain to the person who introduced you, what era is it that people can force you to go to the Civil Affairs Bureau to force you to apply for a certificate?"

Yan Lan whispered over there: "It's not that there is nothing, that..." He stopped suddenly in the middle of his words, as if he had realized what he had said, and smirked twice, "Hehe."

His words flashed some not-so-good memories in my brain, and my patience was exhausted: "Smile."

Yan Lan laughed again, I was about to tell him that I was going out to eat and hang up the phone, Yan Lan asked me a question that made me feel a little bit unbelievable, he asked me slowly but really distressed: "Brother, you said I'm going on a blind date What if you see it?"

I couldn't understand the logic in Yan Lan's words. I couldn't help but smile and asked the distressed person on the phone: "Are you kidding me, Yan Lan?" ?”

Yan Lan let out an "ah" slowly, and he asked me: "Is this what my love is like? It's so ordinary and not worth mentioning."

In my limited life experience, there is no 27-year-old adult man who can pretend to be like Yan Lan. I don’t know where he mastered this skill. He made me burst out. Swearing: "Love is a fart."

Yan Lan sighed twice: "Brother, you have been irritable recently."

I told Yan Lan: "If you have a younger brother like you, you will too."

The hypocritical 27-year-old virgin finally put his brain back into his head, and he asked me again: "Yes, are you back for the Mid-Autumn Festival? My dad asked you to come back for the Mid-Autumn Festival."

Probably because they asked this question because I went back this year. I thought about it and decided: "You don't have to ask me in the future. If your parents ask, just say I won't go back."

Yan Lan groaned again, I couldn't bear his appearance, and hung up the phone directly after saying "hang up".

**

Assistant Lin Ran sprinkled candy in the office for several days after her wedding, because I was on a business trip when she held the wedding, and she said that she and her husband must treat me to a meal. I don’t want to go to a dinner party where other people are happy. I agreed a long time ago. After I hung up Yan Lan’s phone call, I was going to pack up and go out. I stared at the screen of the phone but felt very inexplicable. laugh it out.

Of course I know what Yan Lan said before she finished her sentence but was very careful to shut up.

It is true that someone was pressured to go to the Civil Affairs Bureau to obtain a marriage certificate with someone. With my current logic, I still can't figure out what kind of mood those two people were in to obtain a marriage certificate.

Since I left Changkang until I was 31 years old, I have only been back twice now. One was before the old bridge was demolished this year, when I encountered Qiushui on the bridge, and the other time was when I was 23.

The person who jumped into the river with me to die in love, he couldn't die in love with me, he stayed in Changkang City, and was pressured by his parents to marry a woman.

This is a very ridiculous thing. You see how such outrageous things happen in today's society, forcing a homosexual to marry a woman and have children for the rest of his life.

When I got home, I said to him who was wearing a suit and the bridegroom's bouquet on his chest at the gate of the hotel where he held the wedding banquet: "Follow me."

He turned me down.

To be precise, my first love lasted until this time.

So many nights later, when I dreamed of him, I was in the turbulent Changkang River. He and I were ups and downs in the river. I learned to swim, and I swam to the shore.

He begged me hoarsely behind me, he said Li Cuo please save me.

The dream may really have a compensatory effect, but I did save him, so every time I seriously told him in my dream: "You can swim by yourself, you won't drown, you have to swim by yourself come out."

You have to swim out by yourself.