Tibetan love

In the second semester of the sophomore year, the school began to have an exchange student program.After thinking about it for a long time, I also signed up for this project.Fortunately, I was selected. I chose to exchange to a school in France. Fortunately, my second foreign language was French.Many years later, Zhu Yujie asked me why I went to France at that time.Because I don’t know why I was yearning for France at that time. Romantic Paris is not only a girl’s dream, I also want to see it.

However, the application in France is really troublesome. I remember that I really wasted a lot of energy to get this application.Because I was in a hurry and I had to take the IELTS test, I wish I could have more time.

The whole process really ended in the middle of the summer vacation before I really got the visa for France.Thinking that I might have to exchange there for a year, I picked up my phone and looked at his number for a long time, but I still didn't have the courage to press the dial.Forget it, let's not bother.I just called Wang Ziteng and briefly told the details of the exchange I was going to exchange, and then I heard Wang Ziteng on the other end of the phone ask me if I was joking in a voice that was almost shouting?Then he asked me if Zhu Yujie knew?I told him he didn't know and told him not to tell him.

Wang Ziteng on the other end of the phone was silent for a while, and then said falteringly: "Jia Yi,...we are all brothers...some things...can be let go...just let it go!"

Suddenly I felt a little difficult to breathe, and the hand holding the phone kept shaking, "What do you mean?"

"Hey..." Wang Ziteng seemed to sigh, "Everyone can see it, it's so obvious!"

Before I could speak, Wang Ziteng continued on the other end of the phone: "Although Peng Qian's conditions are good, but no matter what, we are brothers, there is no need to make it so stiff."

Listening to him chanting like this, my tense nerves were also released.I probably understood, it turned out that everyone misunderstood that I liked Peng Qian, so I quarreled with Zhu Yujie.

"Forget it, let's talk about these things later! By the way, Fatty Wang, do you know about that too?"

"Which thing?"

"Peng Qian introduced me to a girlfriend."

Then I heard Fatty Wang faltering on the other end of the phone. I couldn't listen anymore and interrupted him: "Forget it, I don't blame you. Let's talk about it when I come back."

There are 5 students from our school going to France for exchange, 3 boys and 2 girls.Everyone met and had a meal before departure, so we got to know each other a little bit.

Originally, I was still worried about what to do with Scorpion after going to France, but during that time there were a lot of things at home, and I was also busy.I forgot to feed the scorpion water for several days, but when I remembered it, I found that the scorpion was dead.It would be a lie to say that it is not sad at all. Although I don't like it, but after all, I have raised it for more than half a year. It is a pity to die like this.

Soon, I bought a plane ticket and flew to France.As soon as I arrived at the French airport, I felt a sense of fear, a strange sense of fear.And the classmate who originally made an appointment to go to the dormitory with me said that something happened, and I was the only one. I still can't forget the feeling of being at a loss.Although I got used to it gradually, but at that time, I even had the urge to go back.

By chance, I found out that one of the boys was gay, because one day I casually asked where were you when you first arrived in France?

He said so casually to find the boyfriend he just met, I thought he was joking.But then he added that I was originally gay.I didn't know what to say for a while.

But he didn't care, he said he already knew he was gay.

I asked him, "Does your family know?"

He shrugged, "I can't tell them now. I plan to tell them when I'm 30. At that time, I should have a stable job and have financial ability!"

It is very gratifying that none of the other students who came here had a different opinion of him because of this. The two girls even said: "It will not be awkward for Zhang Dong to live with us in the future."

Later, Zhang Dong would take us to gay bars from time to time.Two girls will also go, and another boy, Fang Yao, will also go.Fang Yao belongs to the kind of straight man who can't be straighter, but every time he goes there, some men will look at him with that kind of ambiguous eyes, which makes him tense every time he goes.He also often advises Zhang Dong, "No matter what, I want to get married and have children, so let's find a girlfriend and live a good life!"

However, Zhang Dong's answer every time is that he really has no feelings for women.Fang Yao would sigh every time, and then tell me to persuade him, but I could only laugh it off.

It was also at that time that I might really start to get in touch with this circle.This circle is actually very chaotic, and most people only find a bed partner for temporary stimulation.There are no really serious people, but very few.At least Zhang Dong did too. He changed boyfriends frequently at the beginning, and he even told me that he had been tested for HIV.It wasn't until later that he found his current boyfriend and gradually stabilized.But he told us that in the end they will definitely break up, because he can't stay in Paris for a long time.

One day I asked him if he had ever liked someone very much.He asked me, "Male or female?"

I smiled, "Have you ever liked girls?"

He said, "I like it very much. How can I still like someone very much now! I have already forgotten that feeling. Even if it is my current boyfriend, I don't have that feeling of liking it very much. Anyway, it feels good. Let’s stay together, or break up if we can’t.”

Then, he asked me back, "What's wrong with you, what's on your mind?"

"Have you ever liked someone who is not in this circle?"

Maybe my question was a bit serious, Zhang Dong seemed to be taken aback for a moment, and then slowly said: "I don't count. I used to like my deskmate in high school, and I confessed to him, but he is a straight man. , but we still keep in touch. Later he got a girlfriend, so he was sad for a while and didn’t care about it. It’s hard to get into this circle, if you like someone who is not in this circle, forget it, it’s too tiring.”

"So how do you feel now?"

He shrugged indifferently, "It's been so long, and I don't feel much anymore."

Suddenly, he asked me, "Why are you asking this suddenly? You won't..."

Seeing his surprised expression, I nodded, I didn't want to hide it from him, I have a special trust in him.It was the first time I fully exposed my sexuality to others, "I have liked someone for a long time, and I haven't contacted him for almost half a year, but I still like him very much, and I will never forget him. Isn't it ridiculous? "

He shook his head, "Jiayi, you're actually better than me. I haven't had much affection since I entered this circle. Because this circle is chaotic and people are mixed. You talk about feelings with others, but they only want to play with you. It’s not worth it. If it feels good, just open a room together. When you wake up the next day, no one knows anyone. I suggest you give up early, this kind of thing is basically born. It’s too difficult for people who are not to accept it. Don't make yourself miserable."

Although the truth is understandable, it is too difficult to actually do it.Even now in Paris, every time I go to sleep, I think about Zhu Yujie, want to contact him, and want to say sorry to him.It's just that every time I pick up the phone and look at his profile picture for a long time, I still give up.I have no choice but to look through the chat records with him and look at his photos every day to relieve the feeling of missing, but the effect is always counterproductive.One day I dreamed of him in a dream, he was wearing a suit, he came to me and said, Jia Yi, I'm sorry, I'll show you a magic trick and we'll make up.When I was about to say yes, I was suddenly awakened by the alarm clock, only to realize that it was a dream.At that time, the loss in my heart was indescribable.

Later, Zhang Dong would often tell me about this circle.He likes Europeans and Americans very much, and he also sends me photos of Europeans and Americans, and he also shows me a lot of European and American GVs, but I don’t like European and American styles very much.I might still be a little bit more Asian.He even let me use this same-sex app to communicate more with people in my circle.I also try to chat with people over there.But these people were too direct, they started posting sex without talking much, and there were some very direct and explicit words.Even though I'm a boy, I still can't accept this kind of purposeful questioning.I remember making an appointment with someone once, but in the end I got cold feet.That person made a lot of swear words and blocked me.For this reason Zhang Dong would laugh at me in private and ask me if I was okay.

Later, Zhang Dong would often ask me to find someone to try on the sidelines, and even dragged me to a gay bar to watch the live scenes.I don't know how to describe that feeling. As a man, I have desires, but if I really want to find someone to vent my desires, that's not what I want.

The exchange year is not long, nor is it short.The day of returning home is coming soon.At that time, I could actually apply for re-study, but I gave up. The two girls who went with me also planned to go back. Only Zhang Dong and Fang Yao applied for re-study.

When I was about to go back, I called Zhang Dong out and had a private conversation.

"Zhang Dong, do you think I should tell him how I feel about him and give it a try?"

Zhang Dong quickly waved his hands, and said to me with a serious face: "Jia Yi, I advise you, don't do this. Find someone quickly, and forget this person quickly. I don't know how good he is, but I advise you not to play with fire. Man, really don't provoke me."

I can only smile wryly, I don't understand these truths.But I can't let it go. It's been a year, and I still can't let it go.To be honest, part of the reason why I don't want to stay in France is also because of him.I really want to see him, I really want to tell him my inner thoughts, I really want to be with him no matter what.However, the reality is always cruel, and there are not so many beautiful things to imagine.