like a dog

After Lin Xun opened the door, he kicked his shoes and walked in. Lizhi jumped off the sofa, followed his footsteps, and squatted at his feet with a flick of his tail, meowing.Lin Xun leaned on the armrest of the sofa, staring at the white wall behind the TV without any response.

Lu Yuan locked the door and straightened his shoes in front of the entrance.He changed into his slippers and came in, picked up the lychee and walked to the door of the second bedroom to put it down, and said softly: "Stay by yourself for a while." He rubbed its little head, and closed the bedroom door.

Lu Yuan went to the locker and took out the medicine box, put it on the table in the living room and took out iodophor and gauze.He dipped iodophor with a cotton swab, half knelt in front of Lin Xun, and held his hand.

Lin Xun shook off his hand and stared numbly at the wall, as if looking for stability in the whiteness.Lu Yuan grabbed his hand back and tightened his grip on his fingers: "If you don't deal with it, you will get infected."

"Then get infected."

Lin Xun only looked at the wall, his eyes hardly blinked, dry and red as if he had stayed up late for many days.Lu Yuan shook his hand and said, "Lin Xun, you can't..."

"What do you want to do with me, just tell me." Lin Xun lowered his hands, the dark red blood clotted on his skin, but his lips were colorless, "After finishing the settlement, let's go."

"I won't go."

Lin Xun slowly looked at Lu Yuan who was kneeling in front of him, got up and walked around him to the entrance.Lu Yuan grabbed his hand and said, "Where are you going so late?"

"If you don't go, I'll go." Lin Xun looked down at his hand, "Let go."

"How do you go out when it's so dark? You're leaving, do you have any money with you? Is there a place to stay? Don't you bring any clothes you want to wear?" Lu Yuan rarely yelled at him.He held his hand tightly, took a deep breath, and said in a rough voice, "Let's have a good talk."

"I don't want to talk about it." Lin Xun twisted his wrist and tried to break away, but Lu Yuan stood still and did not back down, "I said I don't want to talk about it!"

Lin Xun pushed his chest and struggled, while Lu Yuan stood motionless in front of him like a wall, no matter how much he beat him, he would not let go.Lin Xun couldn't make a move, so he knelt down on the ground with no strength, and shouted hysterically: "Why don't you let me go? I've already said, it's over, you go or I go! Why do you have to... "

He choked up sobbing, propped his forehead, his eyes were red and weeping: "Why do you want to hold on to me, why do you have to rot with me..."

Lu Yuan slowly squatted down, loosened the strength of his hands, and said to him slowly: "Lin Xun, I don't know who that person is. But I know that your feelings for me are not fake. You didn't treat me as someone , Otherwise, when you saw me for the first time, you wouldn't just shut me out like that. You never only called me Lu Yuan, and when I looked at you, you just looked at me, no one else. "

"I'm not a fool. I can tell the difference. I know you don't. Those are all things in the past. I don't care about the past. I only care about the present and the future." Lu Yuan held his hand, which was so Cold, as cold as when he took him out of the bathtub that day, so cold that the tip of his nose was sore.

"I knew about your illness a long time ago. When I was cleaning your room, I saw those medicines in the bathroom mirror cabinet. There were a few of them in the medicines my mother took before. So I probably knew, You are afraid to tell me something. But I really don't care, those are not important to me." Lu Yuan gently covered the back of his hand, carefully avoiding the bite marks on the back of his hand, warming his hand Said, "You are the most important."

Lin Xun's hand slipped down from his face, he choked up and sniffed, looking down at the bloody tooth mark on his hand.It's ugly and bloody, full of violent brutality.

"But I care."

Lin Xun closed his eyes and smiled, tears rolling down his face, making him look like a weak and useless waste.He looked at Lu Yuan, laughter and tears appeared on his face at the same time, like day and night intersecting.He slowly withdrew his hand, raised his right hand and spread five fingers.

"On this hand, the index finger alone has been broken twice. Once, even the nails were lifted off. Because I always want to gouge out other people's eyes. I'm afraid of the dark, so scared to death, I want to drag them in too. Stay with me. My eyesight has always been very good. But once, they didn't hold me down, I knocked on the corner of the table, and after waking up, I couldn't see very clearly." Lin Xun rubbed his neck, and after freezing The blood sticking to the skin is so familiar to the touch.

"I know where a person's carotid artery is and how deep it is. When I bite, I go there. The first year was my worst time. After only two weeks, no one dared to come to my ward again. Come on. They sedated me a lot and fixed me on the bed. The whole day and the whole night. After I got better, they only tied me up at night."

Lin Xun grasped his wrist, and the feeling of being unable to struggle was firmly trapped in his skin.

He looked up at the light in the living room, and said softly: "I think every day why the night is so long and my waking hours are so short. Sometimes I clearly feel that I am still in the small building in Xinyang, talking to Fu Rui Talk. In a blink of an eye, my hands were covered with blood again, so hot and sticky. They pressed me to the ground and sedated me. I don’t want to sleep, I really don’t want to fall asleep.”

"He said I lied to him, but what can I do... No one wants to approach me except him. Without him, I have nothing. Every time he goes to see Guan Shan, I am scared. I am afraid of Guan Shan Tell him, and he'll never see me again, and I'll be alone again. I'll always be alone."

Lin Xun propped his forehead and slowly pulled his hair tight.He stared blankly at the ground, muttering something.

"They all left, one by one. I know why he left me in Xinyang, and he didn't want to see me. When he saw me, he would think of him and how he sacrificed everything to protect me. In his eyes Here, I am more important than his dreams and their future. So he hates me, because I prevent them from being together." Lin Xun opened his eyes and slowly moved his hands down to his neck, pulling the skin and flesh hard to trembling.

"I called him, he loved me so much, although he didn't contact me for so long, he must be thinking of me, like I always wanted to see him. But no, he had forgotten me a long time ago. He changed a new one Yes, more obedient, better. He must regret that he sacrificed so much to save me. He must feel that it is not worth it, so he doesn't want me anymore."

Lu Yuan held his hand and called him softly in a hoarse voice: "Lin Xun, let go."

"I want to save him. I know that Guan Shan will not let him go. I think that just once, I can be useful and save a little bit, but I still can't do anything." Lin Xun still Clenching the flesh tightly, his hands were so tense that they trembled, he couldn't hear what Lu Yuan was saying at all, he murmured, and fell into another nightmare, "I remember that smell of blood, it's so fishy, ​​my mouth is full, I My teeth hurt so much, but I can't control it, I can't control anything."

"He should have killed me," Lin Xun scratched his neck, piercing the narrow bloody hole with his nails, causing the wound to ooze blood again. "He shouldn't have let me go."

"Lin Xun!"

Lu Yuan forcibly broke his fingers off his neck, held his hand to warm his cold fingers, looked into his eyes and said, "You are not alone, I am here, and I will always be with you. I will always be with you. Will never leave you."

Lin Xun slowly turned his head to look at him, looking at his face, it took him a long time to regain his focus.He looked around, felt the temperature on his hands, and looked down at his hands for a moment.He grabbed Lu Yuan's arms suddenly, his eyes were red and he said: "No, you have to go. I will hurt you, and one day I will."

Lu Yuan grabbed his wrist, shook his head lightly and said, "You won't."

"You don't understand at all!" Lin Xun shouted, shaking off his hand, "You don't understand at all...you only see medicine, there are many kinds of mental illness, and you don't even know how bad my condition is. I will never It will be fine, it can only be stable. I will be like this for the rest of my life, and I will never get better."

"I've been lying to you, and I haven't told you the truth. My identity is fake, my name is fake, and I said I like you. I just don't want to be alone. You just showed up, and I I just took advantage of you and tricked you into staying with me, that’s it, that’s the kind of person I am.” Lin Xun turned his face away, slumped on the ground and said in a low voice, “The most important thing you should do is leave me immediately. "

But Lu Yuan didn't stay away, instead he moved closer to Lin Xun.He stubbornly went to shake his hand, over and over again, until Lin Xun got tired of it.He held it in the palm of his hand, lowered his eyes to look at it, and stroked the shallow old wounds and new cuts with his eyes.

"Lin Xun, I don't know why you always feel that you are terrible and unworthy of love. You say I don't know, but I don't. I know what kind of person you are." Lu Yuan looked down at the lines on his palm , and the burn, as if it was still stained with soot, with tiny gray spots embedded in the skin.

"Lin Xun, you are very gentle and patient. No matter how unreasonably I make trouble, you are always used to me. I said I wanted to live with you, and you let me live in. At that time, I had just known you for more than two months. A stranger Man, you just trust me. I picked up the lychee and said I wanted to raise it, but most of the time, you are taking care of it.” Lu Yuan smiled, but his eyes were sore, “I said I wanted to be with you. You sleep together, and you agree. I sleep poorly, and sometimes kick the quilt, and you don't blame me, and don't drive me back to sleep alone."

"Actually, there are many things I didn't tell you. I was very happy when I found out that I came to your house to do housekeeping. I read your book, liked you very much, and found out that you are the writer, so I wanted to meet you soon. I When I first came here, I felt like you didn't like me very much. After a while, I found that it wasn't that you didn't like me, but that you weren't very close to people. I was relieved, so you didn't hate me."

Lu Yuan let out a breath, as if relieved.

"You have changed many pseudonyms, but in bookstores, I can always buy the books you wrote. Sometimes I wonder why what this person writes is so similar to that person. I am in your After seeing those books in the study, I realized that those people were all you."

"I found a forum, it was very small, maybe only a few dozen people. It was discussing a few of your novels, and you used that pseudonym for nearly two years, and they built a forum and got together to chat. Some people I also found that he read a book, not a pseudonym, but it looked like you wrote it. He posted a post asking, many people left a message below, and some said that he should not mention other people's novels in the forum , some people think what he said is right, then it seems like you wrote it.”

Lu Yuan smiled softly, and blinked with red eyes: "I also left a message. I said, it is the same person. Those sentences are so delicate and clean, you know how soft the heart of the person who wrote those stories. Then Good people, one is precious enough, where can I find another one."

"I posted a post a month ago, saying that I can contact you, if you have anything to tell you, you can send it to me, and I will pass it on for them. I didn't have any hope at first, but one after another, I have received many letters, all addressed to you." Lu Yuan pulled the backpack aside, took out a stack of envelopes of different sizes and put them in Lin Xun's hand.

Lin Xun was holding those letters, they were heavy.He turned over the envelopes one by one, and stroked the scribbled or neat handwriting on the envelopes.He held the letters tightly, and slowly raised his head to look at Lu Yuan, with a faint light in his eyes.

Lu Yuan supported his shoulder and said softly: "I know I made my own decisions, but I want you to know that in this world, you are loved. Your identity, your past experience, your illness None of it matters. I like you because your heart draws me as your story draws them."

Lu Yuan touched his eyes, his tears rolled down his fingertips, only his face was reflected in his eyes.

"Lin Xun, you are worthy of being loved. Those who miss you, those who abandon you, let them go, they will regret it one day. Those who should come back will come back to you at the right time By your side. You don’t have to chase after, and you don’t have to ask anyone to stay, I will always be with you. I will love you and take care of you. When you are happy, you laugh, when you are sad, you cry, and when you feel sad, you vent. In front of me, what are you doing? You can do everything, just don’t drive me away.”

Lin Xun looked at him with sobs, Lu Yuan brushed away his frowning brows, and whispered: "Don't frown, I'm already younger than you, what will you do if you grow older than me sooner?"

Lin Xun covered his eyes and smiled.He smiled very shallowly, but finally there was a little light in the long night.He wiped his embarrassing face, the palms and backs of his hands were already numb from the pain, his neck was tingling, and his eyes were sore and burning.He slowly grasped Lu Yuan's hand stretched out to him, and squeezed his fingers together to hold it tightly.

Lin Xun leaned on Lu Yuan's shoulders, hugged him tighter in his arms, shivering slightly like a drowning man absorbing warmth.

"I'm sorry, Lu Yuan." Lin Xun hugged him tightly, buried his head on his chest, grabbed his clothes, squeezed his temperature, and choked up, "I lied, don't go, I don't want you to go... "

"I won't leave, don't be afraid," Lu Yuan stroked his back, softly comforted him, touched his head, and slowly stroked his soft hair, "But Lin Xun, what you did today was very wrong. You are in danger, you didn't look for me, I came, but you pushed me away. Instead of protecting yourself, you hurt yourself. You can't do this, no one can hurt you, not even yourself, you understand ?"

Lin Xun's back trembled, as if he was afraid that he would let go of him, he grabbed his clothes tightly and said, "I'm sorry."

"I can forgive you for lying, but I can't forgive you for allowing yourself to be hurt. I didn't say it before because you were very emotional, but that doesn't mean I'm not angry." Lu Yuan touched the back of his neck and inserted his fingers deeply into his hair, "Lin Xun, I'm really disappointed in you."

Lin Xun froze, and Lu Yuan was still holding him, but it seemed that in the next second, he would push him away and leave him here alone.Disappointed in him, disgusted, as everyone does, and walks away.

"I'm sorry..." Lin Xun tightened his grip on Lu Yuan's shoulders, his eyes trembled with the voice, and the emotions that had just calmed down almost collapsed, "Lu Yuan, don't...don't give up on me..."

"Tears can't solve the problem, Lin Xun, I can't be soft-hearted every time you cry, it's hurting you." Lu Yuan stroked his back and comforted him in a calm tone, "For your own good, I will I had to do something against my will.”

"I'm going to punish you a little bit, after you've rested. It might be a little hard, but it's to make you better and to appreciate yourself more. You understand that, don't you?"

Lin Xun was comforted by Lu Yuan, leaning in his arms and nodded slowly.

"Now, close your eyes and have a good sleep. Don't think about anything, don't worry about anything. I will help you treat the wound, clean you up, and change your clothes. You sleep peacefully, and I will be with you. Waiting for you When you wake up, it’s a new day.”

Lu Yuan spoke slowly, stroking Lin Xun's back until his tense body relaxed.Lin Xun leaned in his arms, followed his whispers, slowly closed his eyes, slipped his hands from his shoulders, and fell deeply into the long dream.

Lu Yuan waited until the breathing in his arms became slow and steady, then picked him up from the ground and put him on the sofa.He stood in front of the sofa, moved his neck, and brushed away the sweat-soaked hair on his forehead.

Lu Yuan didn't treat the wound right away, after all, Lin Xun hadn't slept well yet.He watched him for a while in front of the sofa, only the clock on the wall was ticking in the silence.

When the clock turned to twelve o'clock, Lu Yuan pushed open the balcony door and went out to take a breath.On the nine-story building, the evening breeze was a bit cool, he was leaning on the railing, and the moon was shining brightly in the sky.In the vast darkness of night, he looked at it quietly.

It may be the most beautiful moon he has seen in the past few months.