Issei

After graduating from Southwestern University of Finance and Economics, Shen Yulin and I went to Wenchuan Qiangyu Investment Co., Ltd. My idea was simple: Wenchuan is not very prosperous, and Qiangyu is not a big company. I need to accumulate experience in such a company, and then follow the My methodical life plan is to change jobs, and finally float to Shanghai or Beijing to start a business.

As for Shen Yulin, he will always follow in my footsteps diligently.

So our three-point-one-line life unfolded in a small and crowded crowd. I shared a rental house with him, just like when we were in college. The two of us squeezed into a one-bedroom room and slept on the same bed.When I moved in on the first day, Shen Yulin was very excited, like the day when I moved into the rented house after freshman year, he was so happy that he jumped on me and kissed me on the cheek. Holding his waist, he fell backwards.

I don't understand Shen Yulin's excitement. Shen Yulin said that this is the natural difference in thinking between straight men and gays.He explained to me why he was happy: the environment around us is always changing, but he is still by my side all the time, I am the person he likes, and he is very happy.

Then I suddenly understood: this is not the difference between straight men and gay, I think this is actually human nature, as for why I am indifferent, I think it may really have something to do with me being straight.

Shen Yulin also made a Man-Han feast that day, calling it a "moving party". He also opened several cans of beer, drank them at me with a smile on his face, and came to kiss me after drinking.

After that, as time went by, Shen Yulin began to slowly decorate the house that was like a thatched cottage when he moved back. Every time after I was paid, he would take me to the Dehui Supermarket. We rented a house around the company. The house, the company is in Shengshi Tianyuan, it is Sangping Road when you come out, walk through West Street, and then cross Daqiao Street to Dehui Supermarket, which is in the upper part of Minjiang Road.

However, in fact, there is a Xinxing Supermarket on West Street. Both Shen Yulin and I know it. I don’t understand why Shen Yulin wants to go far away. It's for a walk with you."

I was a little helpless, I didn't like this kind of walk, he would buy SpongeBob SquarePants every time, once for pillows, once for slippers, once for sheets, and so on.I doubt: If it is not unconditional, will he build a house that looks like SpongeBob SquarePants?

I was a little speechless, but I accepted it because he was holding my hand, and I was holding a SpongeBob SquarePants in my hand, which attracted passers-by to look at me.

This is our life when we grow up. Shen Yulin and I fantasized about Ultraman and monsters in our composition when we were in elementary school. Scientists and graduate students are all buried in the torrent of time. We can only be busy day after day And tired, in the rigorous and sleepy office, through the flying A[-] paper, draw the blueprint of our dreams, to explore the meaning of life.

Shen Yulin said that such a life is very boring.He is a very romantic person.I firmly believe that if he doesn't like me, he will probably fly from Provence to Hawaii; he often takes me to the cinema to watch movies at midnight when the lights are dim, and I look at the movie screen with a serious face, "Wrong Love", "Yangtze River" Seven", "Jane Austen of Pride and Prejudice", he held popcorn and Coke, sat down for a few minutes, leaned on my shoulder, I turned to look at him, he raised his eyes, in the dim He looked at me with a smile in the ambiguous space, blinked his eyes, and then kissed my cheek.

We left school on June [-], [-]. After living like this for nearly a year, Shen Yulin died. The exact time of Shen Yulin's death was May [-], at four o'clock in the afternoon. Later, in the ward, the doctor told me.

Shen Yulin and I grew up in Neijiang, Sichuan. The elementary school was in the Fourteenth Primary School, which was later renamed Experimental Primary School. The junior high school and high school were Neijiang No. [-] Middle School.

The schools in Neijiang have never had an official ranking, but according to word of mouth, my parents and Shen Yulin’s parents can often hear people say: Oh, look at your son, he went to elementary school No. [-], middle school and high school No. [-] middle school , still so well-behaved, I will definitely go to Tsinghua University and Peking University in the future.

My parents often say that they are proud of me, and my grades have always been among the best since I was a child.And Shen Yulin's parents are more worried. Shen Yulin is more casual, and his grades go up and down. Once in junior high school, he was the first in the grade, and I was the second in the grade. He surpassed me by nearly 30 points; The [-] blank boxes of the composition were filled with my name, and Shen Yulin and I became famous in school from then on.

Shen Yulin once said when we were still in school: The most aggrieved thing in his life is that he fell in love with me. I will plan all the goals and prospects in my life in an orderly manner. He can only run all the way in order to like me. After crossing the vast Taiwan Strait, I finally realized that my final destination was Mount Everest.

He was always sentimental during that time, I don't make any comments on his metaphor, I just remind him: when he confessed to me in the summer night, I said to him, "Don't like me, don't torture yourself".All this is his will.He laughed again and said: Yes, I just want to like brother Chengyang.So lightly, a metaphor he came up with was quickly buried in his heart again.

But I know that he is not as free and easy as he said, what he said to me, such as "I'm happy if I like brother Chengyang", "I'm happy if I'm happy" and so on, are all lies.He often looks at a far away place in a daze, and I occasionally follow his frozen gaze, and the sticky white clouds in the distance scribble his dream about me.

That's what "forever" really means.

Shen Yulin died under the collapsed cement and steel bars in the earthquake. When he died, he lay on my body with a smile.

I remember that before that I had been reading reports in the office. Shen Yulin handed me a cup of coffee, and then he started to drink the Sprite in his hand. I took a sip and put the coffee down. He asked me why I stopped drinking, I said I was too busy, he said I was a workaholic.

I didn't eat at noon to read this report. Shen Yulin brought me a meal later, and I said: I'm almost done, so I'll eat right away.Shen Yulin nodded. After 10 minutes, he took the spoon and fed me bite by bite while I was reading the report. After he blew on the spoon and fed me the first bite, I realized something was wrong, so I said I came by myself, he raised his eyebrows, and said with a smile: No, I will feed you, you are an old couple, why are you ashamed.I didn't speak, just stared into his eyes, he met my gaze, squinted his eyes, looked at me gently, the spoon placed near my mouth even tried towards me.Then I fell back and opened my mouth silently, and he laughed, dimpled, and stuffed the spoon into my mouth.

When he finished speaking, I didn't answer immediately. I felt a deep exhaustion. I lay down, leaned on the armchair, closed my eyes, and stretched out my hand to rub my neck.Shen Yulin looked at it and came over to press my neck, so I put my hand back.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"[-]:[-]." I felt him pull one hand out, probably to look at the SpongeBob SquarePants watch on his left hand. I remember one time when I went to meet a client with him, he just took the watch out of his suit Come, the customer on the opposite side sprayed out the tea.

I didn't speak, but when he pressed me, I sighed comfortably one after another. He smiled lowly and said, "Brother Chengyang, if you call me like that again, I will be hard."

I didn't speak. I remember that before May [-], [-], my mother called me and asked me about my girlfriend, and then asked me about Shen Yulin's recent situation so that I could tell his parents.

Shen Yulin came out to his family when he graduated from high school, saying that he liked boys, but he didn't say that the name of the boy he liked was Xu Chengyang. His parents were very angry.Uncle Shen suffered from cerebral thrombosis a few years ago. When he came out of the closet, Uncle Shen tremblingly raised his crutches and said that he would sever the father-son relationship with him.He didn't say anything, just knelt in front of the house all night, the neighbors couldn't persuade Uncle Shen, nor could he.

This is what my mother told me at dinner that night.My mother looked worried, and she said: Shen Yulin has been very well-behaved since he was a child, but he was a little more casual, but he never thought he would be like this.I asked my mom: Do you think homosexuality is disgusting?My mother sighed and said: I always thought it was a disease. In [-], when the World Health Organization removed homosexuality from the classification of mental diseases, I changed slightly.

My mother said that she was born in the [-]s, when homosexuality was to be knocked down, it was disgusting like a slug, when she was a child, she saw two men tied together, with a sign written in blood on their backs, The two strange men looked at each other and smiled, and then fell into a pool of blood. She asked the adults what was wrong, and the adults told her with serious faces: that is a damned madness.

I was silent for a while and said: I can accept homosexuality, Shen Yulin is my brother for life.

My mother then asked me: What is the name of the boy he likes?You have such a good relationship.I didn't answer, it was impossible for me to answer: Shen Yulin likes me.So I didn't speak, I was silent for a while, then filled a bowl of food, and said: Shen Yulin probably hasn't eaten yet, I'll deliver it to him.

Later, I saw Shen Yulin kneeling on the concrete floor covered with pebbles in the starlight. He was still wearing his high school uniform. He kept his head down and wrote on the ground. I walked over to see it and deduced it in my heart. "Xu Chengyang".

When I approached, he came to his senses, raised his head, looked at me with a smile, and said, "Brother Chengyang, are you here?"

I just said "um", then squatted down, held the bowl in front of him, and asked, "Have you had dinner yet?"

"No." He shook his head.

"Well, I brought you food."

He tilted his neck and smiled, the dimples and bruises on his face softened under the moonlight, and the pale yellow light cast by the street lamp in the distance, through his soft bangs, cast into my eyes.

He looks a little thin.

He laughed and said, "Yeah." The ending turned upwards, and then he took the porcelain bowl in my hand.

"Brother Chengyang."

"Ok?"

"I'm out. :)"

"I know."

"In the future, I can be with you openly and aboveboard."

"fool."

"It's a pity you don't like me. But it's okay, as long as I'm happy."

I didn't speak, and he also started to eat. Every time he took a bite of food, he looked at me with a smile, and I kept staring at him blankly.

"Brother Chengyang, you've been looking at me."

"Ah."

"Don't you like me?"

"No."

He laughed, then pushed the bowls and chopsticks over, and said to me: "Brother Chengyang, feed me."

I hesitated slightly, then took it.

He smiled brightly again.

Later, he lived in my house all the time. I didn't see his parents come to our house to look for him, but occasionally when I met Aunt Shen alone, she would cry suddenly, hold my hand tightly, and asked me to take good care of Shen Yulin, take good care of him. Persuading Shen Yulin, she was also persuading Uncle Shen.I could only nod repeatedly in the gaps between her crying and words, and say "yes", and finally I told all these words to Shen Yulin, Shen Yulin suddenly fell silent, and then began to smile at me again.

Later, Shen Yulin and I boarded the train to Chengdu with my parents seeing us off. The hometown we remembered in the past 18 years collapsed instantly in our waving and turning, together with the father and mother in Shen Yulin's mind.

Shen Yulin has always shown indifference to these things: he said he didn't care that I didn't like him; he said he didn't care that his parents severed ties with him because he was gay.But, just like he sometimes hides in a place where I can't see because I honestly said "I don't like boys", crying on the first night of moving into the new dormitory. He wrote a letter under the lamp, and wrote a long, long letter. While writing, he lay on the letter and cried, crying depressively and quietly.Later, he went to the post office alone to post the letter, and I watched him from a distance.

Later, he had no contact with his parents. His parents moved to a place he didn't know.It's just that I occasionally receive calls. Once I heard Uncle Shen's tired voice, and we each greeted each other. After that, Uncle Shen said that he still couldn't figure out why men like men, but he missed Shen Yulin so much.

After the start of the sophomore year, Shen Yulin and I rented a house outside the school. In our free time, Shen Yulin likes to find me to drink with me. He has liked drinking since he came out of the closet, but his alcohol capacity is poor and he can only drink beer.One time when he got drunk, he cried and hugged me, and he didn’t let go, he said: Brother Chengyang, I like you so much, but you don’t like me, you don’t like boys, I heard people say you can straighten me Man, but six years have passed, and you still don't like me.

He was probably really drunk that time, and the sadness he had accumulated for a long time burst out, tears soaked my shirt, I couldn't speak, I could only hug him as tightly as he hugged me.We rolled on the sofa, I was probably crying too, he kissed my cheek lightly, after crying for a long time, he said with a grievance, "Brother Chengyang, I miss my parents so much."

I drink very well, I'm not drunk, so I always remember everything, but after the second day, Shen Yulin said he didn't remember, maybe it was pretending, I knew it, so I didn't ask.Our life was once again trapped in ambiguity and despair. I would dedicate myself to telling Shen Yulin's parents about Shen Yulin's recent situation, and I would also mention his parents to Shen Yulin intentionally or unintentionally. So in the blink of an eye, several years passed .

We graduated from college and we are [-].

At that time, I was lying on the chair, thinking in my mind: My mother asked me on the phone a few days ago: "Chengyang, are you gay?"

"No."

"Then why don't you have a girlfriend yet?"

"None of them fit."

"...The old Wang next door is about to have a grandson." My mother said after deliberation.

"Ah."

"...Forget it, how is Yulin doing recently?"

"Fortunately."

My mother couldn't speak, and finally hung up silently.

am i gay

I am not.

I have always firmly believed that I am a straight man, but after staying with Shen Yulin for a long time, I also have some doubts.

So I asked Shen Yulin, "Am I gay?"

"No."

"why?"

"If you were, you would have liked me a long time ago."

I smiled wryly.

Then we and I fell silent again. After about 2 minutes, I felt a little trembling. Shen Yulin pulled me up, and the chair fell down, making a muffled sound, which was drowned in the buzzing and rumbling sounds around me.

I opened my eyes and asked, "What's wrong?"

Shen Yulin grabbed my hand, his figure swayed in my line of sight, his expression was a bit surprised, at the same time, I heard someone in the office yelled: "Earthquake!" Or maybe it wasn't my colleagues who yelled, but anyway Very loud.

I listened, stunned for a moment.

Shen Yulin grabbed my hand and started to run out. We rushed to the anti-theft door in a few seconds. The anti-theft door had already been opened. Several people ran out before. He grabbed my hand, turned his head, and looked firmly Said to me: "Brother Chengyang, don't let go." Without waiting for my answer, he quickly turned back and pulled me to start running.

The investment company we are in is on the second floor of Shengshi Tianyuan. Our escape task is to go through the long corridor, then through the winding stairs, and then run to a spacious place, where we will usher in a wonderful new life .

When Shen Yulin and I rushed out through the anti-theft door, we saw many people coming out of thousands of doors and windows and gathering in the narrow corridor. They rushed down like a river. I also saw several people in the crowd One was in only their panties, and some were naked.

Shen Yulin held my hand tighter and tighter, his cold palms were sweating all the time, I followed his footsteps and moved forward, instantly surrounded by the crowd.I felt several people's bodies rubbing against Shen Yulin's and mine's arms.

At this time, the floor has already started to collapse, dust shakes down from the ceiling that has been in disrepair, my vision is gray, the air is a bit choking, I can't seem to see Shen Yulin, I can only feel that there is a person who has been very He grabbed my hand so hard that it hurt me a little.

I was a little surprised: Shen Yulin had never had such great strength.

The people around kept shouting, and the tranquility of the afternoon boiled from the shout of "earthquake". I felt that I was a bit like a bubble, surrounded by many bubbles. Compressed to deformation by other bubbles.

Occasionally, I heard someone yelling in the deafening environment: "Slow down! Slow down! It's crowded!" I wanted to stop, but the people behind pushed me forward.

Then, I suddenly heard Shen Yulin in front of me crying and calling me loudly, and the people around him and I quickly retreated, so I saw Shen Yulin turning his head back in horror.I don't understand what's wrong, I just feel that there is less light entering my sight, and the world is getting darker.

Shen Yulin rushed towards me, grabbing my arms with both hands and crossing them in front of my chest, he leaned towards me, buried his head in my shoulders, and pressed his chest tightly against my hands.He quickly pulled me around, and I saw a large stone fall down with a twisted steel bar, and fell on Shen Yulin's body.

I heard people screaming all around me, people screaming all the time, and people crying.

The building had already started to collapse before, and the stone slabs were separated like a cake, and the steel bars were exposed from inside, and fell to the surroundings together with the stones. I can't describe that scene, but I just think it's terrible.

I was thrown by Shen Yulin, the stone slab fell on Shen Yulin's body, after that I couldn't see anything, the dust got into my nose, I still heard the sound of something being inserted, Shen Yulin let out a muffled snort.

Then there was silence.

"Brother Chengyang..."

I heard Shen Yulin's voice. His voice was a little weak. After he finished speaking, he coughed, as if he had coughed up a lot of dust.

"Are you okay?" he asked me.

I opened my eyes, but I couldn't see anything. I heard a lot of rumbling sounds, and the walls seemed to collapse and buried us piece by piece.

"fine……"

"It's fine..."

"Shen Yulin, you are so fucking stupid!" I felt powerless, I didn't want him to die, I didn't think I was worthy of what he did for me, so I scolded him.

He coughed twice, probably wanting to laugh, but he was choked by the dust, and he said in a hoarse but gentle voice, "No..."

I couldn't speak, raised my head and closed my eyes.I don't know what I'm doing, or what I should be doing.I drew my hand from my chest and put it over my eyes.

When Shen Yulin fell, I suddenly became scared and sad: I was very afraid that Shen Yulin would die like this.

Shen Yulin didn't know what was wrong, he stretched out his hand to grope in the darkness, I heard the sound of his hand gently touching the pebbles, finally he touched my face, caressed it bit by bit, he laughed weakly , said: "Brother Chengyang, don't cry..."

He paused, then smiled and said, "Brother Chengyang, I love you."

I was a little surprised: did I cry?I don't know very well, Shen Yulin and I were trapped in a small and confined space, I heard the echo of sobbing, I thought at first that Shen Yulin was crying, but later I found out that it wasn't.

Shen Yulin has never cried in front of me.

So probably the one who cried was me.

I took a few deep breaths, finally tilted my head, and murmured:

"Shen Yulin, I like women."

"I know," he said, and I heard his smile hidden in the darkness.

"I remember when you graduated from junior high school, I told you."

"I still remember."

"I said that I don't like you. I read online that straight men can't be bent."

"Yeah, straight men can't be bent. You and I are a living example."

I sighed, and Shen Yulin told me not to cry, but I always felt that I didn't cry.His hands touched the corners of my eyes, but he didn't rub my tears for me.

"So why push me away? I'm scum, you know that. I don't deserve it."

I still heard him laughing, he was as gentle as ever when he laughed, but his breath was very short, and his breath sprayed on my body, I felt strange.

He smiled and said: "There is no light, I guess there must be a lot of dust on my hands, otherwise I can wipe your tears for you, you never cry, but this time because of me, I am so touched. Hmm! It's worth it. "

I couldn't speak, I just felt really sad.I remembered the sound of something inserted into something I heard before, and I guessed it was the sound of steel bars being inserted into Shen Yulin.

I am really afraid that Shen Yulin is dead.

"Brother Chengyang..." He laughed again, and then coughed vigorously, "You hit me."

After he finished speaking, he rubbed against me, and I was so excited that I wanted to push him away, but in the end I hesitated, grabbed his shoulder, and finally pressed him to me.

Shen Yulin used to like to hug me, and he would react when he hugged me, and then he would smile and say to me: "Brother Chengyang, you hit me." I always pushed him away and said: "Normal, physical Response." He also nodded with a smile.

But now I suddenly don't want to push him away.I think it doesn't matter if we hug each other all the time, as long as Shen Yulin doesn't die.

So I feel sorry and sad.

"Shen Yulin, I'm sorry."

"Brother Chengyang, cough, where, cough, are you sorry for me?"

"If only I liked you."

Shen Yulin laughed after hearing this, and said, "What's so good about homosexuality?"

I didn't answer the call, I took a few deep breaths of the dusty air, reached out and took out the phone from my pocket, turned on the screen, a faint light radiated out, I saw Shen Yulin lying on my body, looking at me with a smile on his face, Bloodstains rolled down from the top of his head.

I raised my head slowly, leaned towards Shen Yulin, and finally kissed him lightly on the lips, I said: "My first kiss."

"Me too."

He laughed and I looked at him and cried again, this time I really felt like I was crying.He stretched out his hand, wiped my tears, and said, "Brother Chengyang, be strong. You never cried before."

I reflexively said in my heart: Because I used to have you, but I nodded indiscriminately and said, "Shen Yulin, I'm alive."

"Okay, I must live."

"Then I came out with my parents and we went to Holland to get married."

"Okay, let's get married."

He kept laughing, I kept crying, I couldn't take it anymore, I leaned up to kiss his lips again, he just bent his eyebrows and responded to me gently, he would gasp after a long kiss, the same is true when I teach him to breathe, I don't care Know why, but all I can do is kiss over and over to make sure he's alive.

"Brother Chengyang, I'm so happy."

"We'll be like this for the rest of our lives."

He nodded, then gasped weakly, and he continued with a smile: "What if I die?"

"Then I will die with you. We used to say "forever" before, and we all said we would die together, didn't we?"

"No," he said, "The whole life I said in my heart at that time was 'I live my whole life' and 'You live my whole life'."

"Shen Yulin. Don't try to regret it, you are not allowed to die!"

He just laughs.

At that time, I used the weak light of my mobile phone to pass through the back of his head and through his bangs. His outline was dyed with a layer of light, and I couldn't see him clearly.My tears can't be wiped clean all the time, he seems to disappear in my hazy vision.

"Brother Chengyang," he said, "Listen, I actually saved you, I just heard that if you like someone who doesn't like you, when he is dying, if you save him, he will like you ,——Look, it really is like this!" He laughed again, and winked at me slyly, "To tell you the truth, Brother Chengyang, this earthquake was caused by the foundation blasting that I arranged for the construction team to do."

He said: "Look, I'm so disturbed and kind, so don't like me."

I didn't speak, just kissed him, so he pushed me away, burst into tears, and said heartbreakingly: "Brother Chengyang, I can feel that I am going to die, don't like me, or you will be alone in the future what to do?"

"Then you live." I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said firmly.

He looked at me in a daze, tears mixed with blood, then he buried his head down and continued to pant heavily.

"Okay," he said, "I'm alive,... but brother Chengyang, if I die..., remember to live well."

I dare not speak.

"Brother Chengyang, you swear."

"You will definitely live..."

"You swear! If I die...you must live well alone! If you don't, I, Shen Yulin, will go to the eighteenth floor of hell!"

"...Maybe after you die, the rescue team may not necessarily find me"

When Shen Yulin was talking, he raised his head again and looked at me seriously. He raised his palm and spread it in front of me. I didn't think it was funny, but I felt scared.

"you swear!"

"Okay, I swear..."

"Say!"

"If Shen Yulin dies, I, Xu Chengyang, will definitely live alone... If I don't, Shen Yulin will go to the [-]th floor of hell... Okay?"

I didn't raise my palm like Shen Yulin, I suddenly realized that I was very timid, I dare not face the life without Shen Yulin in the future.But Shen Yulin found out, and he said sternly, "It's not good", and asked me to raise my hand and swear to the sky like him.I raised my hand tremblingly, and read it again tremblingly, and he said afterward: "Okay."

So we stopped talking, we looked at each other silently, and finally cried together.

After crying for a long time, I kissed him again. Obviously, I had been convincing myself in my heart that Shen Yulin would live and would always be alive, but I was still afraid that this would be the last time. I always wanted to kiss Shen Yulin. Do it with Shen Yulin.

I am afraid that Shen Yulin really has no tomorrow, I am afraid that from now on I will really live alone.

I can't imagine what my life would be like without Shen Yulin. In the past [-] years of my life, Shen Yulin has never been absent. No matter what kind of blows we encounter, he and I have been panting and walking bloody because of the three words.

The three words "a lifetime" are what we agreed upon.

Afterwards, Shen Yulin gradually weakened. I turned on the light, and occasionally went up to kiss him after seeing him for a long time. He always responded to me with a smile, until I don’t know how long later, he lay on my chest and said to me "Brother Chengyang, I'm so tired, I want to sleep..." I shook him crazily and warned him not to sleep, but he ignored me, and then he stopped moving, so I put him down in despair.

Shen Yulin was really dead.