All men are like my ex

【1】

If you fall in love with someone too quickly, the time you forget or don't love this person is either a moment or a lifetime.

The former is because of the pleasure at first sight and the pleasure of the body, so it is easy to forget; while the latter is because of love at first sight, and love for a lifetime, so it is obsessed with obsession, and it is reluctant to forget until death.

Shi Yinan always thought that he was probably more like the former, but he couldn't forget Bai Yichen, so he probably also looked like the latter.

Or maybe he is actually the very middle person, not only greedy for the pleasure at first sight, the pleasure of the body, but also longing for unswerving until death - but it is not his unswerving until death, but Bai Yichen's to him.

It has been four years since they separated.

Shi Yinan still remembered Bai Yichen's appearance because he had a photo of them together, but he almost forgot Bai Yichen's voice, no matter how he tried to remember, that person's voice seemed to only appear in his memory, no? If you really hear it, you don't have the feeling of being remembered at all.

At the beginning of the fifth year of their separation, Shi Yinan received an invitation to a class reunion.

He stood in front of the window at the 27th floor of Hwaseong and looked towards the south. There is a city in the south called Nancheng. He and Bai Yichen used to study there and were together there.

At this moment, Shi Yinan really wanted to return to that city.

He doesn't miss the city, he only misses the man who lives in it.

After they separated, he could no longer be with other people, nor could he fall in love with other people—because he would always compare other people with Bai Yichen.

And no one is better than Bai Yichen.

No matter how beautiful the person is standing in front of him, all Shi Yinan can think of is Bai Yichen's voice and smile, no matter how those people tell him their deep love, all Shi Yinan can think of is after he leaves, Bai Yichen looked sad and sad.

Although he hasn't actually seen it, as long as he closes his eyes and imagines that scene, his heart will often be very distressed, so he always dare not think deeply.

Shi Yinan felt that he must still love Bai Yichen, he wanted to go back to Nancheng and be with Bai Yichen again.

He will apologize to Bai Yichen and ask for his forgiveness, and he is willing to spend the rest of his life to make up for his mistakes.

On the day of the class reunion, Shi Yinan took care of himself seriously, he hoped that when they reunited after many years, his image in front of Bai Yichen would be good.

But until the end of the class reunion, Bai Yichen did not show up.

Shi Yinan couldn't wait for him, so before the students were about to leave, he grabbed an old classmate and asked him: "Is Bai Yichen not here?"

"No, neither Le Dong nor he came." The man said, "However, you and Bai Yichen always didn't come to our class reunions these years. I didn't expect you to come this year."

Shi Yinan said in his heart: I'm here to look for Bai Yichen.

But Bai Yichen didn't come, where would he go to find him?

【2】

Bai Yichen died.

These are the five words that echoed in Shi Yinan's mind, as if he could only stuff these five words into his head, other than that, he couldn't hear or see anything.

Bai Yichen died, died in a car accident, on the day he went to the class reunion.

It’s not that Bai Yichen didn’t go to the party that day, he went, but he and Le Dong had a car accident on the way, Le Dong’s injury was not serious, his arm was broken, but Bai Yichen’s rib was broken, and his rib was pierced again. His lung was broken, and he lost blood and died during the rescue.

Shi Yinan only found out about this on the third day after the class reunion.

On the second day, he asked Bai Weihuan to check all the information about Bai Yichen in Nancheng in recent years. He wanted to know how Bai Yichen was doing, but Bai Yichen was sent along with those information. death information.

Shi Yinan sat at the desk in the office and looked at those materials, there was only a long silence.

Because he didn't know any of the things mentioned in the materials.

He didn't know that Bai Yichen was in such pain after he left, he didn't know that Yang Xiaohe and Ye Wanxiang were corrupting his life at the same time, he didn't know that Bai Yichen had committed suicide three times because of depression, he didn't know that they separated Afterwards, until the day of his death, Bai Yichen never smiled happily again.

He didn't die in a car accident, but a tragedy of despair.

But now, what Shi Yinan breathes is only this kind of sadness, it penetrates into his internal organs, making him almost suffocate.

"Mr. Bai's villa is being auctioned." Bai Weihuan whispered next to him, "Mr. Bai had a will before his death. If he dies one day, his studio will be inherited by his assistant Mr. Tang Yi, and his villa and all his works All will be auctioned off and the proceeds will be donated to charity.”

Shi Yinan asked in a daze, "Where is his villa?"

Bai Weihuan drove Shi Yinan to Bai Yichen's villa, because Shi Yinan's current condition is not suitable for driving.

When they arrived at the villa, some people were already staying in the villa, and a strange man said to the auction staff: "Can you keep all the items in Mr. Bai's house? Including the posthumous works, I will buy them all. "

The auction staff asked him: "Many people want to buy Mr. Bai's posthumous works, and the price is very high. Do you really plan to buy them all?"

"yes, I--"

"I'll buy it." Shi Yinan interrupted that person.

He stared blankly at the villa where Bai Yichen used to live, hoping that as long as he set foot on this land, he would be able to touch and breathe the breath left by Bai Yichen.

The auction staff asked him, "Are you—"

Shi Yinan didn't look at him, didn't speak, and still stared blankly at the villa.

Seeing this, Bai Weihuan pulled the auction staff aside to discuss the purchase of the villa. The strange man froze for a few seconds when he heard Shi Yinan's words, walked to his side with fists clenched, and said, "Are you Shi Yinan?" Yi Nan?"

"Yes." Shi Yinan glanced at him and replied.

Without further ado, the man stretched out his hand and gave Shi Yinan a heavy punch: "Why do you have the face to come here?!"

he yelled.

Shi Yinan staggered a few steps, bumped into the long table in the living room, and accidentally knocked off the vase on it. Fortunately, there was a thick carpet on the floor. The tattered red rose petals were scattered all over the place.

When Shi Yinan saw the blue vase's pupils shrank suddenly, he picked it up from the ground in a panic, ignored the man who beat him for no reason, but carefully put the vase back on the table.

——"I like roses best."

——"The roses in a cyan vase are the most beautiful. If you send me a rose, I will put it in a cyan vase."

These are the words that Bai Yichen once said to him, but when Bai Yichen had a blue vase, he never gave him roses.

【3】

The man who punched Bai Yichen in his villa was Song Yuheng, the owner of a bar and a good friend of Bai Yichen.

Shi Yinan didn't know him, but he had seen this person before, in Bai Yichen's posthumous works—the paintings carefully stored in the studio on the second floor.The time when the painting was made is marked in the lower right corner of each of those paintings, most of which are of him, but later they stopped painting him and became other people, among them Song Yuheng.

The name of his bar is "Private Collection", which is only one letter different from Bai Yichen's studio "Collection".

After reading the information about Bai Yichen's past, Shi Yinan didn't think that Bai Yichen would like this person, but Bai Yichen had obviously stopped drawing portraits, why did he still want to draw a portrait of this person?

Shi Yinan wanted to know why, so he went to find Song Yuheng in his private collection.

"why?"

Song Yuheng asked him back with a smile, then took out his mobile phone and played him a recording.

"You probably don't know what your own voice is?"

A person does not know what his original voice is like in other people's ears, and the recording played by Song Yuheng is the recording of the two of them talking just now, but at first glance, this recording seems to be just a person asking and answering That's all - the voices of the two of them are almost exactly the same.

Song Yuheng told him: "It's not me who painted that picture, but you. Before he left, I never knew he still had these paintings."

Shi Yinan didn't believe it, he had seen it with his own eyes, the one who painted was Song Yuheng, not him.

Song Yuheng said again: "If you don't believe me, you can ask his psychiatrist Xia Qi."

So Shi Yinan went to see Xia Qi.

He was an elegant and gentle doctor, and when he mentioned Bai Yichen, he just sighed deeply: "Mr. Bai is a very poor person."

In Bai Yichen's short life, the source of the pity and sorrow was him.

Shi Yinan fulfilled his wish to know the meanings represented by those paintings, and also knew that those paintings were indeed painted by him, but Shi Yinan hoped that he would never know.

He didn't dare to step into that studio again, and he didn't know what to do, Bai Yichen was gone... How would he make up for it?

But if he was given another chance to choose, Shi Yinan would still choose to know.

But if people in this world really have a chance to choose again, Shi Yinan wants to go back to the day he left four years ago, choose to go home normally in the evening, and have dinner with Bai Yichen.

However, time cannot be repeated.

And the day he and Bai Yichen parted was the last time they met in this life.

【4】

Later, Shi Yinan would often go to the private collection bar to drink some wine, but he always chose to go when the bar closed at [-] o'clock in the morning.

He was afraid to go when there were a lot of people, he was afraid to look at the bustling crowd, he would think that this city is so big and there are so many people, but he will never see Bai Yichen again.

What's more, Bai Yichen walked into this bar at five o'clock in the morning.

When Shi Yinan wanted to go to the private collection, he would start from the hospital where Bai Yichen was sent to commit suicide, walk straight along the road, walk to the street of Yu'an Road, and then enter the private collection studio , just repeating what Bai Yichen had done, as if they could overlap at least part of their lives, this is the closest distance between them.

And every time he goes to the private collection bar, Shi Yinan hopes to get drunk once.

But Song Yuheng always refused to sell him wine. He would give him a glass of boiled water when he was in a good mood, and nothing at all when he was in a bad mood.

Song Yuheng probably hated him very much, as long as Shi Yinan went to the bar, he would not close the door, only told Shi Yinan about Bai Yichen's past, scolded Shi Yinan for being a scumbag, and Shi Yinan was always masochistic , even if he would feel uncomfortable listening to these words, even if he had heard them several times, he would still listen to them repeatedly.

Having talked like this for many years, I feel tired when talking about Song Yuheng, and I don't want to talk about it with Shi Yinan anymore.

On the last night, he poured a glass of absinthe for Shi Yi Nan for an unprecedented time, and made himself a glass of juice, saying: "I'm leaving, I'm going to open a bar in another city, I don't want to stay here anymore."

Shi Yinan swirled the green liquid in the glass, didn't say anything, just drank slowly.

Song Yuheng asked him suddenly: "Do you think Yichen hates you?"

Shi Yinan's hand holding the wine glass trembled, and said in a hoarse voice: "I probably hate it, I also hate myself."

"He doesn't hate you." Song Yuheng smiled, shook his head and said, "I was there the day he had a car accident, and I was the one who called the ambulance."

Shi Yinan was stunned for a moment, looking at Song Yuheng in a daze.

"I sent him to the emergency room, but before the doctor pushed his... out, I ran away, and I didn't dare to look at him." Song Yuheng closed his eyes, as if saying these words meant something to him Kind of torture.

In fact, it was indeed a kind of torture, Song Yuheng will never forget that day, he held Bai Yichen's hand in the ambulance and listened to what he said.He was very glad that he was by Bai Yichen's side at the last moment, and he also hoped that Bai Yichen was unconscious at that moment and could mistake him for Shi Yinan, so that he could leave without regret.

He even pretended that he was Shi Yinan, he leaned next to Bai Yichen's ear, and said to him: "Yichen, I'm back, hold on, don't leave me, okay?"

But Bai Yichen, who had been confused for so long, clearly recognized him at that moment——

"Boss Song...Boss Song..." Bai Yichen called his name weakly, "If you meet a man named Shi Yinan in the future...please tell him...I don't blame him...I I just want one rose... just one..."

Song Yuheng remembered that he liked roses. The time he cut his wrist, he went to visit him with a bunch of brilliant sunflowers in his hand, but he only wanted one rose.

"You want roses? Shall I buy them for you? Yichen, hold on..."

"I can……"

But that person didn't listen to him anymore, he just quietly looked at the ceiling lights receding with the hospital bed and murmured in a low voice, those white lights fell in his eyes and on his body, probably like this The cold light really made him feel cold, so his body was trembling, and tears rolled down from his eyes, not because of death, but because he really would never see his favorite again. people.

"I really miss you……"

"I can... forgive you... all I need is a rose..."

He moved his lips lightly, and Song Yuheng almost put his ear on his lips before he could hear what he was saying.

"He finally told me that he just wanted you to give him a rose." Song Yuheng smiled, but a tear fell into the juice in front of him, "When he came to me at this time before, I would give him a glass of juice."

"Drinking alcohol is bad for your health. I don't give him alcohol for his own good, but he always complains about the sourness of my juice and asks me, 'Boss Song, has no one told you that your juice is very sour?' .”

"But I only made juice for him alone, how do I know if it's sour?"

Song Yuheng drank the glass of juice, he said: "So it's really sour, I will never make juice for others again."

【5】

When dawn was approaching, Shi Yinan returned to Bai Yichen's villa.

He hadn't slept all night, and his body was extremely tired, but he didn't feel sleepy at all.

And dawn came, but the room was still very dark, so Shi Yinan subconsciously turned on the lights.In an instant, warm bright yellow light enveloped him, but he still felt a little cold.

Shi Yinan raised his head and stared blankly at the chandelier hanging above his head.

The incandescent lamps were bright and dazzling, Shi Yinan looked at them and suddenly shed tears, and slowly knelt down on the ground.

——"The lights in this rental house are actually white, it looks so cold."

——"Then when I buy you a house later, I will replace all the lights in our house with warm-colored incandescent lamps, so that no matter how cold it is when you come home, you will feel warm."

He lied to Bai Yichen.

No matter how warm it looks, these lights are not sunlight, just like snow that melts in an instant, there is no way to bring warmth to people.

Shi Yinan called Bai Weihuan and asked him to buy a big house, which needs to be equipped with air-conditioning, heating supply facilities, and the floor should be covered with carpets. It is best to install a working fireplace in the living room, so that it can be used for heating in winter. He will decorate and choose furniture himself.He still wanted to write Bai Yichen's name on the real estate certificate, but he was no longer there.

When Shi Yinan came home from work the next day, he went to the flower shop to buy a Corolla rose. He remembered that the roses that Bai Yichen had planted outside the garden of the villa were about to wither because they had been neglected for a long time. I asked the florist how to grow Corolla roses.

"Corolla, it's not difficult to grow." The boss told him all the secrets, wishing him to grow beautiful Corolla roses, "A young man used to come to my place to buy flowers, and he also asked me about Corolla roses. What kind, I hit him off very well, so I gave him a blue vase. Alas, but I haven’t seen him for a long time, I don’t know if he moved.”

Shi Yinan interrupted him and said, "Blue roses in a vase are the prettiest."

The florist laughed loudly: "That's right, that's what he said."

【6】

Before Song Yuheng left Nancheng, Shi Yinan could not forget the glass of absinthe that Shi Yinan drank, not because of how delicious the wine was, but because he found that after drinking this wine, it would be easier for him to fall asleep, and he could still dream of Bai Yichen.

However, absinthe cannot be sold publicly in large quantities in China. After all, drinking too much may cause hallucinations, so there are very few ways to buy this kind of wine in China, but this is not a big problem for Shi Yinan. You can buy as much as you want.

On weekends, he enjoyed absinthe to his heart's content at home, and drank it in the studio on the second floor.

He displayed all of Bai Yichen's paintings, regardless of whether they were his or someone else's, he arranged them in order, surrounding himself, and he only needed to read them all by time to finish reading. Bai Yichen misses his whole life.

Shi Yinan chuckled, and lay down on the rocking chair in the center of the studio, tears streaming down his face.

He thought: If absinthe can produce hallucinations, why hasn't he ever had one?He really wanted to see Bai Yichen, not in a dream, even if it was a hallucination.

He fell asleep with the wine bottle in his arms, and then had a bizarre dream. He dreamed that he was back, and Bai Yichen was not dead. They had gone through a lot, and they broke up again. Chen lived his life peacefully.

But as long as there is a dream, there is always a time to wake up.

When Shi Yinan woke up, it was raining outside, the cold wind poured into the room and the curtains rattled, and when the curtains were lifted, they hit the bookcase at the side, and pulled out a book at the top of the bookcase.

Shi Yinan walked over to pick it up, but when he wanted to put it back, a piece of paper fell out from the pages.

There are a few lines written on the paper, which are Paz's poem "Monologue"——

Under the eroded colonnades,

Between dreams and nothingness,

the sound of your name,

Interspersed into the end of my sleeplessness.

The delicate handwriting belonged to Bai Yichen, probably he copied these poems, Shi Yinan held the paper and went back to the recliner and sat down, staring blankly at the rainy day outside, no longer feeling sleepy.

He suddenly thought of something, went to the first floor and searched in the cabinet, but found two blue and white checked umbrellas, one was very new and the other was very old. is his.

He opened the old umbrella over there, but he didn't know if he was using too much force, the umbrella was broken and the surface of the umbrella was punctured, Shi Yinan looked at it blankly for a while, so he had to pick up the new one and go out.

Shi Yinan took the No. 17 bus back to Nancheng University. He sat behind the window seat in the seventh row and stared blankly at the seat in front. Silent and quiet.

After getting off the car, Shi Yinan walked into a small restaurant called 7p.m. at the corner, and ordered some dishes that he loved to eat with Bai Yichen when he came here in the past.

"Ah, it's you!" The proprietress recognized him immediately, "You're back in Nancheng."

Shi Yinan replied: "You still remember me."

"Yes." The proprietress smiled. She looked beside him, but she didn't see another shadow, so she asked him, "Where is your lover? Is he not coming today?"

"En." Shi Yinan responded lightly.

"Is he sick?" The proprietress asked worriedly, "Oh, I thought I could see both of you today."

Shi Yinan asked her: "Yichen...does he eat here often?"

"Yes, but always alone. I asked him why you don't come. He said that you are busy and work in another city. You don't see each other several times a year. You will come back after a few years when you are stable. gone."

Shi Yinan pulled the corners of his lips, and said in a hoarse voice: "Is that so..."

The proprietress sighed: "Now that you are back, the two of you should be together. It's not easy after so many years..."

The proprietress continued to chatter, Shi Yinan was not as silent as before every time he came here, he talked to her patiently, after the proprietress left, Shi Yinan picked up a meatball with his chopsticks.

Bai Yichen always liked to eat this dish before, and every time he ate it, he would eat two at a time, stuff one on the left and one on the right, and then chew both sides together, he didn't know where he got this strange habit.

And Shi Yinan is now imitating his habit, put two balls of meatballs into his mouth, and bite down, the meatballs are delicious and springy, filling the whole mouth, every bite is full of happiness.

But Shi Yinan cried silently while eating these meatballs.Tears fell into the bowl and were swallowed by him, both bitter and astringent.

【7】

Bai Weihuan called Shi Yinan and told Shi Yinan that the newly bought house has been renovated and he can move in with his bags.

But Shi Yinan just went in to have a look around, and left after being silent for a long time in the room, with no intention of staying there.

On the way back to Bai Yichen's villa, Bai Weihuan looked at Shi Yinan who was resting on the back of the chair, and carefully asked: "Mr. Shi, don't you plan to live in this house?"

"I don't plan to, just leave it alone." Shi Yinan replied calmly without opening his eyes.

Bai Weihuan stopped talking when he heard the words. When he glanced at Yi Nan's side face, he felt that he had aged for a long time. He was only in his early thirties, and his sideburns were already covered with white hair. He didn't want to dye it black, but Let them grow wildly.

After Shi Yinan got off the car, he explained to him the things to pay attention to in the meeting tomorrow. These years, Shi Yinan's life is almost two points and one line, the company - the villa, he will not go anywhere else.

Bai Weihuan said goodbye to him and was about to leave, but from the corner of his eyes, he caught a glimpse of several bright red Corolla roses blooming in the garden of the villa, and Shi Yinan folded the best one among them before entering the house.

The flower was inserted into the blue vase with round belly and high neck by Shi Yinan. He held the vase and stared at it for a long time, then put it on the table, while he sat on the other side of the chair and continued quietly. look at the flowers.

He remembered the first quarrel between him and Bai Yichen, and how he apologized to Bai Yichen afterwards.

He can't remember the specific reason for the quarrel, but he clearly remembers what Bai Yichen said to him: "You should never say sorry to me, because as long as you say sorry, I will soft-heartedly want to forgive you."

He asked Bai Yichen: "Then what if I make you angry again in the future?"

Bai Yichen told him: "Oh, yes, even if you are always hateful, I can't help but forgive you softly. If that's the case, then you can send me a rose. If I accept it, it means I forgive you. is you."

He wanted to give Bai Yichen a rose, but Bai Yichen would not accept it.

Shi Yinan half closed his eyelids, from his blurred vision, he seemed to see him holding a bouquet of roses and apologizing to Bai Yichen.

How much he wanted to go back to that moment, to see the young man there again, looking at the young man looking at the flourishing bouquet of roses in his hand, taking only one out of it, smiling and saying to him: "You are always so hateful, but I Just one is enough."

Shi Yinan stared blankly at the roses in the vase, unknowingly his face was covered with tears, he opened his mouth, and softly called that person's name, his voice seemed even more silent in the empty room.

"I miss you so much……"

"Don't wait for me, don't love me, and don't forgive me..."

"I just want to see you again..."

If you fall in love with someone too quickly, the time you forget or don't love this person is either a moment or a lifetime.

So what if it's too late to love someone?

Even if you see him the first time, it is the beginning of a lifetime of sinking, as long as you love too late.

Then the time you miss this person is the rest of your life.

===End===