disqualified hero

The detection of the sensational missing child case was different from its magnificent beginning, which caused [-]% of Tokyo residents to panic. The ending work can be said to be quiet, and the relevant personnel did not close the case hastily. The military and police secret forces were also dispatched to cover up the case. Unnatural information popping up in the media.

There is a way for supernatural beings to deal with the affairs of supernatural beings, and the high-level governments of any country have reached a consensus.

"What does the ending of the military police have to do with you coming to me for coffee?" Mori Ogai saw Osamu Dazai just after he got off the operating table. He was lying on the sofa, holding a book in his right hand. Sparse typesetting shows that Osamu Dazai is reading a collection of poems. The coffee cup and white ceramic saucer are placed on the rattan coffee table in his left hand. Have you transferred my small clinic to a coffee station, Dazai-kun?"

"Oh," said Osamu Dazai, "Who told Alice to make coffee so well that she lingered on it by accident." Mori Ogai stopped posing as a decadent lolicon in front of him, and both he and Dazai It is clear that Alice is just a superpower, a concentrated body of energy, and even her arrogant personality is set by him.

Apparently, Mori Ogai didn't listen to Dazai's nonsense, after he straightened his back, his decadence was swept away, his face was full of shrewd words, he asked Dazai: "Are you finally going to find yourself a faction? I guess Chief Farming has approached you many times, for his soon-to-be-established Special Agents Division." He said, "You want to join them?"

"Let's talk about it." Osamu Dazai jumped up from the sofa, his posture changed from lying on his back to sitting cross-legged. As for his tone, at least in front of Mori Omi, it will always be the same, ambiguous, unclear, two pieces The vocal cords stuck together, and the intonations rolled in crystal-clear golden honey before they strung together.When he talks to women, women think he is flirting. Serious people label Osamu Dazai as a disciple, while those who like love games are willing to play games with him.As for men, especially smart men, when you hear him speak, you should be more careful in your heart.

"Let's talk about it." Osamu Dazai said again, "I haven't decided whether to go or not yet."

"I'm so young, I don't want to tie myself to a life-consuming career." Dazai said with a smile, "If you get on the boat of the farming chief, it will be too difficult to get off. I know myself well, and I am lazy by nature. It’s definitely not about working hard, and whether you agree or not requires careful thinking.”

Mori Ogai said, "Yes." He pondered for a while and said, "The child you brought."

"what?"

"It's Xiuzhi-kun." He was very interested, "It looks exactly like you, and so does your smart mind."

"Thank you." Dazai said, "After all, he is a relative. I died young... my brother even gave him the same name." Mori Ogai knew what his previous name was.

"It means a lot." The doctor shrugged. "The expectations are great."

"Really." Osamu Dazai said, "I feel like a curse."

"what?"

"Isn't it a curse to have the same name as mine?"

Mori Ogai didn't speak, just smiled. He understood what Osamu Dazai meant, and with his eyes, he could naturally see the dark past hidden behind the other's placid pupils. It's just him, the farming chief, and those sensitive people hiding in the dark.

"Dazai-kun." Mori Ogai sat down, and he exhaled, "What do you think of that child?" He asked, "Do you love him or hate him?" Mori Ogai heard Dazai's words at that time " Don't go crazy", he was very surprised, and raised his left eyebrow, the words seemed to be said by Dazai, but not like him.

"How?" Dazai asked back.

"I've never seen you pay attention to people, especially a child." He said, "You stare at him all the time, seeming to let him go and restrain him tightly. It is said that some parents love their children so much But this love is deformed, not like the kind of thing a smart person would do."

"As for what you said to him—" Mori Ogai said meaningfully, "Are you really not ashamed of him or hate him?" Out of the mouth.

"Yeah." Osamu Dazai said, "Why would I do that?" He said to Mori Ogai in an extremely rare, distressed nasal voice, "I'm really not suitable for raising children."

[Anyone near me will suffer bad luck. ]

……

Oda Sakunosuke got a lot of money.

Of course it wasn’t ill-gotten wealth, the money was earned by his hard work. Oda kept a small part of his living expenses as in the past, part of it was deposited in the bank as savings, and some was bought into funds.

The cost of living is not much, just enough for his daily expenses.

The first thing he did when he came out of Yokohama was to eat curry at the boss’s place. This was a habit he had developed over the years, but Sakunosuke Oda couldn’t tell whether he wanted to eat more curry or read more letters. At that time, Mr. D was busy with his own life, and the frequency of writing letters decreased, and he went to the curry shop in vain.

Oda, who did not receive the letter, was a little disappointed, only a little.

He was standing at the door of the curry shop at ten o'clock. The boss was just getting ready to open, so he turned over the small wooden sign that said "Closed Business" so that "Open" was facing upwards. No one would come, and he was about to go out to smoke a cigarette when he collided with Oda Sakunosuke at the door.

"Ah." He said indistinctly with a cigarette in his mouth, "You're back." He took the cigarette out of his mouth, wiped it on his apron, put it in his pocket and said, "Wait a minute, let me first I'll make you curry, at this point, I didn't have breakfast."

"Yes." Oda Sakunosuke nodded.

"Oh, there are more." The boss suddenly remembered something and said, "I have received three letters."

"Three letters?" Too many.

"Yeah." The boss also felt incredible, "Maybe something happened recently, I touched it, and two of the three letters are quite thick, at least three or four pages long."

They entered the store together, and the boss handed three letters to Oda, who arranged them in chronological order, and the latter, ignoring the sacred time of waiting for curry rice, cut the envelope from the pocket knife he carried with him. Borrow a paper cutter from the boss, the knife he carries has another use, today is different.He didn't read the letter, but he felt that a storm was coming, and his intuition sounded the alarm with Oda. He had been rescued many times by his sharp intuition like a single-celled creature, and he paid great attention to the lingering anxiety.

(first letter, June 6)

This letter was written by Dazai before he left for Yokohama. At that time, his relationship with Shuji Tsushima improved slightly. The two read together, watched movies together, and exchanged experiences after watching.Osamu Dazai stumbled on the road that Hiroyoshi had raised him. Amusement parks and crepes did not exist. He was not good at taking Shuji Tsushima to do activities that "conform to the nature of children", and he couldn't even treat him as a child. .

[Even taking him on a roller coaster ride is just a parody. ] Dazai thought, [If it was not done by Hiro, it would be meaningless at all. If the same behavior is given to him, it is "accepting abnormalities with a tolerant father's mentality", but if it is done to me, it is "with ulterior motives and malicious intentions". Not a hearty, contagious adult. ]

[I can't do things that I think are stupid. ]

He can only use his own method, but Osamu Dazai, who is considered everything in the eyes of others, does not know whether he has made a good move.

There are more books on the bookshelf, instead of being mysteriously scattered in the corner of the room, or piled up on the desk, he spent half the morning sorting out his book collection, and erecting them by category in the compartment made of wooden boards inside.

Shuji Tsushima saw the changes at home when he came back from the film museum. He took a few books out tentatively, so Osamu Dazai revisited "The Melancholy of the Pastoral" and "The Holy Monk of the High Field" with him. They said that the businessman The novel, talking about Ihara Saikura, read "The Lustful Generation", Shuji Tsushima looked down on this person's works, thinking that he was a sex maniac, and the words he wrote were nothing more than showing off his empty life.

"If it were me, I would be too ashamed to live in this world." Shuji Tsushima said, "It may also be boring, too boring and afraid to live."

In the face of these remarks, Osamu Dazai is rarely honest. He is just weird. His inner words can be published without any burden after being translated into words and a pseudonym. It is too difficult to put ideas into words and communicate them to others.He hates being guessed by others, and is a complete privacy supremacist. The mysterious smile that often hangs on his lips is the mask of Osamu Dazai. He has thousands of masks, but few people can see through the first smile.

He said, "Mr. Xiuzhi thinks so."

"What?" The child glanced at him provocatively. Shuji Tsushima was different from Osamu Dazai. He was in high spirits, at the age of showing off his intelligence to the world wantonly, so he mocked, made remarks, and became an opinion leader, as crazy as a drama queen.

Exactly the same as the old Dazai Osamu.

"It's nothing." Osamu Dazai said with a smile, "I understand very well."

"What do you think?" Shuji Tsushima was aggressive, vowing to tear off the guardian's mask.

"Me? I think the same as you." He said, "My idea cannot represent others, it can only be said to be a personal will. Strictly speaking, life and death have no meaning. In a world where there are living people, there are dead people in death In this world, everyone knows what the former looks like, but not the latter.”

"The world is too scary. When I was young, I wanted to die very much. I didn't have the courage to live in the world. At that time, there was nothing I cared about among the living creatures. All the things I cared about went to the kingdom of the dead."

Shuji Tsushima was fascinated by these few words, and he was eager to get a glimpse of the guardian's past, so he asked, "What happened afterwards."

"Later I really wanted to die." Osamu Dazai thought about his past in the heroic society, countless women invited him to die in love, and the time he fell in love with Ai-chan, he really wanted to give up and not want to live anymore.

"Actually, I should live." He confessed from the bottom of his heart, "Someone gave me a reason to live, and I still have unfinished business, but as long as I am a human being, my spirit has limits, and I wanted to give up many times. "

"Will someone push you to the limit?" Shuji Tsushima couldn't believe it.

Dazai said, "I've been walking on a tightrope."

"It's a pity." He said, "My vitality is too tenacious to kill myself."

When Oda read the first letter, he realized that he was reading not only the letter, but also the soul of Mr. D. He frankly revealed himself in front of Mr. O or Sakunosuke Oda, no, it may not be so transparent, But it was the best he could do.

/So he asked me about my current living conditions, and I said that I didn't really want to die, nor did I really want to live.In fact, I want to tell him that you are also one of the reasons why I live. Before having children, I never thought that people can prolong life for another person. People with special bonds are not counted. I only met Mr. xx After a few months, it will never be possible to form a life-and-death contract, but they can't let him go.

I care about him, from the bottom of my heart, even if he has a twisted personality and is too smart, with more eyes than asteroids in the universe, it can be said to be endless, no matter who he is, he is quite troublesome.

A natural anti-social personality, a clever psychologist will put a label on him and guide him to be good, which is no easy task.

Mr. xx is an ignorant baby shark. Wherever there is bloody smell, he will go there. I... what)/

Osamu Dazai said: [I am the same person as him, I know why he is attracted, and I am also attracted, but I don't want him to do that, you know, I also have things that I want to force, For example, I know Mr. xx's nature is definitely not good, but more inclined to the evil side, but I hope he can become a good person and stay away from danger and tragedy.

I began to extravagantly hope for things I never had, and pinned my illusory hopes on Mr. xx. I was also old and depraved.

This kind of me is disgusting, I want to vomit, I have no face to live in the world, I hate myself, but I have to live.

As an adult, I became the type of person I hated the most. ]

He didn't let O see the self-loathing part that would bother others.

Finally Mr. D wrote:

/I have to try and use my own method. People in the world often say that children’s paranoia is because they have not experienced enough, like a perch trapped in a puddle, a rose in a glass case, I substitute myself, and I am used to seeing the world After the tragic tragedy, people's hearts will be more open.

Mr. xx likes evil, darkness, and tragedy, so let me take him to see those. After seeing a thousand tragedies in the world, death will not move him. /

……

Osamu Dazai lay in a sticky darkness.

He fell asleep on the sofa just now, and this is his dream world.

[When a person is in a dream, he becomes the creator, and everyone who wants to see him will come to visit him one by one. ]

He sat up, and the unfathomable darkness receded like a tide centered on him. The strange thing was that the sky hadn't brightened, it was still dark. Dazai raised his head and saw neither the bright moon nor the clouds.Pinches of red manjusawa appeared beside his legs and feet. To be honest, he felt that the scenery in his dream was too earthy. Everyone knew that manjusawa was synonymous with Santuchuan. Over time, large manjusawa often appeared in novels, scripts and animations. Osamu Dazai would not write about that, he would rather write about spider silk and Rashomon than fall into a cliché.

But Santuchuan is planted with manjusawa.

"You're here again." A Hong's voice came from behind, a little confused and more helpless, "What's the matter?"

Dazai said, "I'm not welcome?"

"Of course." Ah Hong sat cross-legged behind him, "Go back quickly." He spoke like a father, including a slightly tough tone.

"This is my dream, of course I can go wherever I want." Dazai said, "You are a part of my dream, how can you drive me away?"

"How do I know." Ahong said, "Maybe in your heart, I am that kind of person."

Dazai smiled.

"The dead save the living. I turned out to be one of the mediocre, making up stories that I didn't even want to read." He lay back on the ground again, the flower stem was crushed, and Osamu Dazai asked, "The dead in my dream Ah, can you tell me, what should I do?"

"I can't change that kid."

"I'm about to give up."

……

(Second letter, June 6)

/ I messed up. /

The handwriting was as smooth as ever, but the first sentence made Oda's heart skip a beat.

／I have never come out. From memory and from the past, people say that time can dilute everything. They are all lies. Time cannot dilute everything. It cannot be assumed that it does not exist. /

/I thought of my past self, and my heart was full of shame, powerlessness and anger. I said I love Mr. xx, so why didn’t I project my deep-rooted hatred and hatred towards myself on him? /

After reading a few lines, Oda Sakunosuke couldn't read any more, and he was choked up.As I said before, he and Mr. D have been in correspondence for quite a long time, and the other party writes in letters what he considers to be unimportant things to share with him. On paper, Oda can feel his love, his hatred, his dissatisfaction, and his entanglement.

He established a contradictory image in his heart, smart and confused, bold and cowardly, mocking the world and spurning himself, hating life but unable to die.Oda Sakunosuke thinks that even if he reads thousands of novels and kneads the characteristics of the protagonists together, it is not as fantastic as Mr. D. The self-contradictory side of his character is too prominent, so Oda does not regard him as an outlier. On the contrary, he thinks it is because of this characteristic that Mr. D is Mr. D.

but……

He asked the uncle at the curry shop: "Does a person's spirit become weak after having a child?"

The boss was already smoking, and he replied after serious thinking: "It's hard to say, most people think that having children can make mothers stronger."

"There are also people who get postpartum depression."

Oda said, "I see."

The boss asked: "What happened to your big friend, did raising children make him mentally weak? Hey, children are a nuisance. They are more annoying than partridges howling at night. Especially after dreaming, they can sleep all day." Calling it for hours will drive a person crazy."

"I see." Oda Sakunosuke said in awe, "It's really amazing to be a parent."

"Not all of them." The boss said again, "Some parents raise their children badly. Not everyone can do a good job as a father and mother."

"Can't you just do your best?"

"There are some things in the world that cannot be achieved with our best efforts." He said, "My brother is that, he and his wife hope the child will be well, send him to a private elementary school, enroll him in piano classes, and send him to learn English. As a result, the child failed the college entrance examination, the sister-in-law had a mental breakdown, and the child also left home." He said, "In my opinion, it is just too much force, with good intentions but a bad ending, such things often happen."

"..."

"There is nothing most hurtful. Both the child and the parents are the victims, and the latter are also the perpetrators." He concluded, "I can't raise children in my life."

Oda Sakunosuke opened the third letter.

6 month 7 day.

……

After leaving Yokohama, Osamu Dazai went directly to the library of the University of Tokyo. He spent several years here and knew the furnishings of the University of Tokyo library like the back of his hand.

From the outside, it looks like several buildings connected by cylinders, one after another, like the black and white keys on an organ. The door on the lowest floor is a common round arch. There is no Goddess Column full of reliefs, let alone singing praises with a harp. Osamu Dazai walked into the library for the first time, and he felt plain and unpretentious, even the paint color was dirty, yellow, brown, dark brown, the library of Dongda University was not good.

The same is true inside, one table for one person is impossible, the desks are boxy, without extra decorations, four or six people are one table, he looked at the libraries of other schools, some are like churches, some are like museums, some are The windows are bright and clean, and there is a post-modern lecture hall. Compared with it, the facilities of the library of Dongda University are too backward. The only thing worthy of praise is the collection of 780 million books, which is more than Stanford's 650 million.

Walking through the rows of bookshelves, the number of people visible to the naked eye is reduced, and only a few scholars will go deep into the newspaper area. Students prefer to use the search library rather than browse the publications in person, especially since the Asahi Shimbun is not stored here, but the former Soviet Union’s Pravda.Dazai remembered the joke "There is no truth in Pravda".

Taneda Santouka put down the newspaper, nodded to Osamu Dazai, and said, "You are here, Dazai-kun." He has a bit of a military temper, and is milder than the hawks, but he doesn't like hypocrisy, so he said straightforwardly, "Have you considered it? "

"Special Ability Division?" Osamu Dazai said, "I learned the name from Sen-senpai."

"Personnel, structure, intelligence network... are basically set up. The only thing I lack is an overly smart leader." He said, "You are the most necessary one in the team. There is no smart, excellent and convincing leader." The leader, the Ability Secret Service Section cannot be formed, it is an organization that is in charge of the ability people across the country during the daytime, and it must be controlled by the best people."

"At the same time, the leader is also a screw in the organization." Dazai finished what he didn't say, he smiled, the smile was a little weak, but enough to be mocking, "Nurture the next generation, dedicate yourself when necessary, complete the group, and the fate of the leader is often when it is destroyed. the cruelest."

"I gave you time to think, Dazai-kun." Chief Tanada didn't deny it, but pointed out another point, "And you appeared in front of me."

"To be honest, I don't have much hope. Dazai-kun is too smart and too independent. A person like you can manage himself well, and even if he infringes on the interests of some people, he will be able to escape unscathed. There is no righteousness, and I am not prepared to sacrifice my life for the country. I can hardly think of anything that can impress you, but I invite you because I covet Dazai-kun's intelligence." He sighed, "Frankly speaking, I didn't hold out hope, it was just out of persistence. I just want to ask your voice."

"It turned out to be completely different from what I expected."

Osamu Dazai looked at him with his eyes open and a smile on his lips.

"Can you answer my little doubts, Dazai-kun." Taneda asked, "Why did you agree? It must not be for yourself."

"Is there anyone you want to protect?"

……

After eating curry, Oda Sakunosuke didn't go home, he found a coffee shop and sat in, carrying three letters from Mr. D in his pocket.He always carries a schoolbag when he goes out, and the bag fits Oda's age. After all, he is only 15 years old, and he is still a boy.

Unlike the students, he was not educated on campus. He stumbled on the road of self-study after mastering common sense. Excellent killers mastered mathematics, mechanics, and physics at the same time. Some people knew chemistry and medicine, but he didn't.In any case, Oda has excellent language skills and solid science skills. At the same time, his personal hobbies have laid a solid foundation in literature. Sitting with a 15-year-old boy, his test scores may not be as good as others, but he has more knowledge .

He will write back.

The reply letter has to be written in a cafe with a moderate temperature, the air is filled with the aroma of freshly ground coffee, which is the definition of comfort.He sat down, ordered a cup of coffee, the waitress delivered it on a tray, and left.During the period, Oda Sakunosuke stared blankly at the notebook where he recorded his experience and the blank paper.

[I don't know what to write at all. ]

He remembered Mr. D's words:

/ If you don’t know what to write, just read a book, a book that may be boring or interesting, read a book, and then go out to live, you may be able to get inspiration. /

[But he didn't say what to do if you can't read the book and don't have the mood to read it. ] Oda Sakunosuke thought, [If you ask Mr. D, he might say something like "Then go to sleep." ]

"Are you reading that book?" He asked someone to speak, and it was a middle-aged man who looked up. To be precise, he should be in the second half of fifties. You can say he is middle-aged, or he can be said to be entering old age.

"I really want to read, but I don't have the heart to read." Oda said, "When I open the book, I just read a few words and they slip out of my mind. I stare at a page for 3 minutes but make no progress. In the end, I don't even know the introduction. I didn’t figure it out, if the book doesn’t get into my mind, it’s not called reading, I’m just in a daze.”

"Why are you in a daze?" the old man asked, "Reading is a very pleasant thing."

"There is something bothering me." He confides his heart to strangers. People probably have the following tendency. Some things should not be said to people who meet day and night, but can be said to people who meet for the first time and never see each other again. Oda guessed himself The communication situation with Mr. D is similar to that, and he can talk freely because he can't meet him in person.

[But, I want to see you. ]

After typing the three letters, thoughts lingered in his mind.

[I really want to see you. ]

His heart, which has been beating at a constant speed all year round, suddenly accelerated. Oda Sakunosuke didn't know why. After reading the three letters, the image of D in his heart became more vivid. He could feel the other party's dedication, love and hatred, and he could feel his not being accepted. Comprehension and awkwardness, he wants to be the sounding board, the one who opens the door, telling him that you don't have to give silently, that you are not alone.

"I can't tell him." Oda Sakunosuke told the old man, "If I wrote a letter, if I told him that I wanted to see him, Mr. D might be scared away. He said he was cowardly. I don't think so. , but it is unavoidable to worry that he is like an ostrich buried in the sand or a hesitant melon cow, feeling a little stimulation from the outside world, and retracting his head."

"D is a very awkward person, he hates, no, he does not admit that he has obtained happiness, he feels that he is not worthy." Dazai Osamu did not talk to him about his outlook on life, but Oda found it out keenly, with a keen intuition Let him get rid of Mi Zhang and go straight to the core.

The old man combed his proud beard.

"If you really do that, D won't reply." Oda Sakunosuke put his hands on his knees, his waist was slightly bent, he looked too ordinary, no different from any ordinary middle school student.

"Then are you ready to give up?" the old man asked, "Are you ready to give up seeing him?"

Oda Sakunosuke thought about it, shook his head and said: "No, I asked my heart, and I don't want to give up at all. I will write to him first to ask if he can meet. If he doesn't agree, I will probably implement my once-in-a-lifetime request. , check the addresses of other letters, follow the clues to find him, D and I have been communicating with each other tacitly, no one broke the rules, if he refuses to see me, I may break the rules." The tone was a little flat, but thousands of miles under the blue sea The volcanic lava is about to move, and Sakunosuke Oda usually shows no desire. It is hard to imagine that a 15-year-old boy will have a majestic tolerance and can endure all the weirdness in the world.

/ I want to help him, O. /

/ I want to save him. /

He couldn't forget the two sentences in the last letter. If others read it, they might read D's perseverance, his dedication, and the fraternity of adults. A spider's thread leading to hell, the snow-white silk thread is crumbling, but it happens to cling to a thin young man. He says he wants to be a Purdue, and who can save him?

What was Oda Sakunosuke thinking at that time?

[I want to help him. ]

[I want to save him. ]

For the first time in his life, the desire to save emerges.

"Thank you." He bowed his head respectfully to the old man, "I know what to do."

"I'm going to drag him out of the abyss of self-destruction." His tone sounds like I'm going to eat a boiled egg.

The midday sun fell on Oda Sakunosuke's warm body.