when you look at me

At the end of December, Yuan Yiping and Chen Shuo went to a flower shop to choose a bouquet of flowers.Twelve white lilies with white baby's breath, elegant and simple.He and Chen Shuo received a wedding invitation. As Wang Yuan said, his wedding with Song Ran will be held on January [-]st.

Yuan Yiping and Chen Shuo decided not to go to the wedding scene. When they saw Wang Yuan, they couldn't help but think of Tang Qingyu.So I chose this bouquet of flowers and delivered it at the wedding.

Lily, a happy marriage for a hundred years.

During the Chinese New Year in February, Yuan Yiping and Chen Shuo went back to Gancheng together.Chen Shuo's parents have accepted the fact that their son is gay—Chen Shuo is over 30 years old, and his parents have no choice but to accept it.The two of them thought it over, and decided not to come out to Yuan Yiping's mother for now, until the end of the year.

I don't know if it is the result of pollution control in recent years. Although Gancheng is still heavily polluted this winter, there are occasional dark blue sunny days under the heavy smog.The wind in the north is always strong in winter, blowing away the clouds, and the sky is deep and clear.Yuan Yiping looked up at the sky, in a trance for a moment.

In the five years before that, he took his mother to Shenzhen for the New Year.It turned out that he had been away from this long-lost winter in Gancheng for five years.Fireworks are prohibited in the city, so no one sells firecrackers and fireworks on the streets during the Chinese New Year.On the third day of the Lunar New Year, the stalls selling paper money set up on the street were exactly the same as in memory.

It is a custom in Gancheng to go to the grave on the third day of the Lunar New Year.

Yuan Yiping and Chen Shuo bought a big heavy plastic bag of paper money, and there were many styles at the stall—gold ingots, silver ingots, ten thousand yuan bills, needless to say, there was even a card with a picture of a beautiful woman's villa in Xiangche.Yuan Yiping picked up a card with a handsome Shamat guy on it, and asked Chen Shuo in a low voice, "Do you think my brother likes this?"

Chen Shuo was silent, and after a while he said, "Let it go."

The two bought more incense sticks, and then took a taxi to the cemetery.

Those who went to the grave rushed together, and the one-hour journey was blocked into three hours. When I got out of the car and walked into the cemetery, I saw crowds of people, people who came to the grave were talking and laughing, and even a woman in bright pink was walking. Come swaying.Yuan Yiping sighed helplessly to Chen Shuo: "It's so lively."

Chen Shuo didn't speak.

Walking along the wide main road, you will arrive at Yuan Yizhi's tomb in about ten minutes.Yuan Yiping hadn't visited his elder brother's grave for five years, his fingers trembled, then he raised his hand and stroked the cold and hard tombstone.

There is a photo of Yuan Yizhi on the tombstone, which is a one-inch photo taken when he graduated from junior high school many years ago. In the photo, Yuan Yizhi is still childish. Although he is smiling, the curvature of the corner of his mouth on the right side is obviously higher than that on the left. A naughty look.

The tomb platform was clean, except for a thin layer of dust.Yuan Yiping knew it was because Chen Shuo had cleaned it up. Last year, on the tenth anniversary of Yuan Yizhi's death, he forced Chen Shuo to come.

He and Chen Shuo were present when the monument was erected ten years ago. Ten years later, the two of them appeared in front of Yuan Yizhi's tomb at the same time.

"I'll burn the incense first." Yuan Yiping said.

Chen Shuo didn't speak, and took a few steps aside.

Yuan Yiping and Yuan Yizhi were of the same generation, so he didn't need to kneel and kowtow, so he just squatted in front of the tomb, and inserted the lighted incense stick into the small incense burner on the tomb platform.Yuan Yiping stared at the photo of Yuan Yizhi on the tombstone, stood up for a while, and bowed to the tombstone.

When he bent down, he heard the voice in his heart: I'm sorry.

Brother, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, not because I'm going to hurt my mother in the end, not because I'm with your former lover, not because I haven't come back to see you for five years.

But because we are brothers, we should support each other and share weal and woe.But you are dead and I am alive.I am alive, so I still have a chance of happiness, I can still love and be loved, and I can still taste the sweetness and pain of "being alive".And these, you can no longer have.

This sorry is an apology from a lucky living to an innocent dead.The reason why I apologize is because I wish you could survive.

But you didn't, even though you wanted to.

Yuan Yi straightened his back and said to Chen Shuo, "Okay, come on."

Chen Shuo stepped forward with a solemn expression.Yuan Yiping stepped back to the side.

Chen Shuo bent down to insert the incense stick, and then stood motionless in front of Yuan Yizhi's tomb.A few minutes later, he suddenly took a step back, knelt down, and kowtowed.

Yuan Yiping was stunned: "Chen Shuo..." It stands to reason that Chen Shuo and Yuan Yizhi are the same age, and they are not related by blood, let alone kowtow.

Chen Shuo stood up and said calmly, "Burn the paper."

On the way back, the two were silent all the way.

Yuan Yiping realized belatedly that Chen Shuo didn't seem to be in a good mood.On the way to the cemetery before, Chen Shuo was silent.

Don't you want to visit Yuan Yizhi's grave?Or, don't want to go to Yuan Yizhi's grave with him?

The taxi stopped downstairs at Chen Shuo's house, Chen Shuo paid and got out of the car, and said to Yuan Yiping who was following behind him, "Go back and spend more time with Auntie these few days."

"Chen Shuo, I—"

"I'll contact you tomorrow," Chen Shuo interrupted Yuan Yiping: "Slow down on the road."

After he finished speaking, he turned around and wanted to leave. It was almost noon at this time, and there were a lot of people coming and going in the community, so Yuan Yiping had no choice but to let Chen Shuo go.

On the way home, Yuan Yiping saw a stall selling paper money, and suddenly remembered——

Could it be because of the phrase "Do you think my brother likes this" when he asked?

...Yes, Chen Shuo and Yuan Yizhi have been together, it is really inappropriate to ask Chen Shuo such a question.Yuan Yiping was very annoyed, he really just asked casually.

Chen Shuo was so thoughtful, he didn't know what he would think of.

Yuan Yiping quickly dialed Chen Shuo's phone number, and soon the other end answered: "Yiping?"

"This morning, I asked you if my brother would like that card... I asked casually, Chen Shuo, I didn't mean anything else, really!"

He hurriedly said such a long list, but Chen Shuo on the other end of the phone was silent.Sure enough, Yuan Yiping thought, it really was because of this incident.

"Chen Shuo," Yuan Yiping said in a low voice, "my brother has already left, and now you are with me and have nothing to do with him, you... don't think too much, okay?"

Chen Shuo remained silent, so Yuan Yiping stayed silent with him, and the phone was connected quietly.

"I know you didn't mean it," Chen Shuo said after a long time, "I just think of him, and I feel a little uncomfortable. In fact, we all know that paper money is just a little comfort for the living. But you ask me if he will When I would like it, I still have a feeling of... surviving. If he was alive and healthy, I would not be with you. Now that he is gone, but I live so well, I... I don't There is no way to get his forgiveness, so I can only kowtow to him."

For a moment, Yuan Yi's heart felt as if a knife had been twisted.

He didn't expect that the guilt and self-blame in Chen Shuo's heart would reach this level.