when you look at me

Yuan Yiping dialed five times in one breath, but Chen Shuo's cell phone was always turned off.

He couldn't help but want to call his mother, and the address book was clicked out, and he couldn't help it: let's not say whether Chen Shuo returned to Gancheng, even if he did, my mother might not know, besides, It's late, and it's not appropriate for my mother to call Chen Shuo's parents again.

At this time, Yuan Yiping finally realized that he knew so little about Chen Shuo's life.The information he knows about Chen Shuo is still that of ten years ago: Chen Shuo's work unit, Chen Shuo's parents, and nothing else.He didn't know what hobbies Chen Shuo had, where Chen Shuo usually went to play, and what little habits Chen Shuo had—it turned out that everything about Chen Shuo was nailed to death by him with the label "corruption".

Yuan Yiping's fingertips scratched across the screen of the phone woodenly, like an arrow that couldn't find the bull's-eye.

It wasn't until a name flashed in front of his eyes that Yuan Yiping suddenly realized - yes!he!

Tang Qingyu!

Chen Shuo and Tang Qingyu seemed to have a good relationship, and yes, they were almost lost—Yuan Yiping didn't care about these things, so he directly dialed Tang Qingyu's number.

Tang Qingyu's number is connected!

It works, but no one picks up.

Yuan Yiping squeezed the phone tightly and dialed it again.

"You are my rose, you are my flower, you are my lover and my concern—" This time, the song "You Are My Rose" was interrupted, and a familiar voice sounded: "Hi ?”

Yuan Yiping felt dizzy in this "Hello", he managed to gather his composure and asked, "Chen Shuo?"

"Yiping?" Chen Shuo's tone was obviously surprised: "You...what's the matter?"

"Are you with Tang Qingyu?" Yuan Yiping paused, then asked, "Where are you?"

He found that he couldn't bear it at all. The thought of "I can't take care of it" just a few tens of seconds ago exploded in his mind. Chen Shuo and Tang Qingyu are together so late?He answered Tang Qingyu's call directly?He and Tang Qingyu...

"I'm in the hospital," Chen Shuo said in a low voice, "in...the hospital in Guangzhou."

"What’s wrong with you?!"

"I'm fine, it's Tang Qingyu, he... is hospitalized."

Yuan Yiping couldn't react for a while: "He was hospitalized in Guangzhou? Wasn't he still in Shenzhen two days ago?"

"He..." Chen Shuo stammered.

Yuan Yiping asked: "What happened to him?"

"He got it." Chen Shuo's voice was so soft that it almost drifted into the invisible electromagnetic waves: "AIDS."

At [-]:[-] in the morning, the taxi arrived at the Eighth People's Hospital of Guangzhou.

Chen Shuo was already standing at the gate of the hospital waiting for Yuan Yiping.Even at a quarter past three in the morning, the city was brightly lit. The street lights at the entrance of the hospital reflected on Chen Shuo, making half of his face bright and half dark.

Yuan Yiping walked quickly towards Chen Shuo almost in embarrassment. Behind Chen Shuo was the hospital, which still makes Yuan Yiping tremble physically and mentally. The bloody mouth must be the cold hospital behind Chen Shuo.

Yuan Yiping hugged Chen Shuo.

A few days ago, he calmly and rationally said to Chen Shuo "I don't want to be with you", but at this moment he finally showed his feet timidly. It may be because the wind in autumn night is too cold, or it may be "Guangzhou Eighth People's Hospital" Those words were too bright, maybe because he was too afraid of the power of fate, or maybe because Chen Shuo's eyes were too soft.

The two embraced silently, and Yuan Yiping exhausted all his strength, almost wanting to push Chen Shuo into his body.He thought that it would be great if he could push Chen Shuo into his body. Their flesh and blood were fused together, so they could live and die together, and no longer need to fear the impermanence of fate and the cruelty of death.

"Yiping," Chen Shuo said in a hoarse voice after a long time, "Tang Qingyu can't answer the phone anymore. His condition... is very bad."

Tang Qingyu has already entered the ICU, so he cannot visit him at this time.Yuan Yiping and Chen Shuo sat on the chairs in the corridor, the lamp above their heads illuminated the corridor as brightly as day, and Yuan Yiping could clearly see Chen Shuo's red and swollen eyes.

"That day at the bar, he was... quite energetic."

"It was just a few days after he was discharged from the hospital." Chen Shuo closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose wearily: "He had been in the hospital for more than a month before, and his physical condition could not be discharged from the hospital. It's not optimistic...but he said that his friend is getting married and he's going back to Shenzhen to buy some gifts."

Yuan Yiping's breathing was stagnant, it was Wang Yuan, the "friend" Tang Qingyu mentioned must be Wang Yuan.

"How long has he been ill...?"

"Diagnosed in August, I thought it wasn't that serious. He said he was fine. He was hospitalized and accompanied by volunteers. I came here the day before yesterday and saw him before I knew he was already so ill."

"Tang Qingyu, he..." Yuan Yiping muttered for a long time, but finally he just said: "I was shocked when I saw him in the bar that day. He lost a lot of weight. I didn't expect it to be because of... being sick."

"I don't know how he got here." Chen Shuo turned his face to the other side, his voice choked with sobs: "He was hospitalized here, and he was always alone."

"Does he have no family?"

As soon as he asked the question, Yuan Yiping regretted it. In Tang Qingyu's situation, he might have cut off contact with his family long ago.

"No," Chen Shuo replied, "He said that his parents went out to work when he was very young, and they were injured and died. He only has one grandmother, who lives in his hometown in Hunan."

"He likes a good friend of his, the one who is going to get married, but that person is a straight man. When I saw him the day before yesterday, he was still sober. He told me not to tell that person about his hospitalization. He was afraid of that person. Knowing his sexual orientation, friends have nothing to do." Chen Shuo's eyes fell on the closed door of the ICU, and he smiled sadly: "This fat man is too miserable."

After he finished laughing, two lines of tears flowed down again.

Yuan Yiping looked at Chen Shuo's two lines of tears, and remembered that time when he and Liang Yuyi invited Wang Yuan to dinner, and Tang Qingyu also came. By Wang Yuan's side, he poured wine for him and hung his clothes for a while.Later, the fat man begged Yuan Yiping not to tell Wang Yuan that he was gay.

Now the fat man has turned into a thin man, and he has become a lot more handsome and unrestrained. The price he paid was that his life was short—but he still didn't dare to let Wang Yuan know his intentions, and he didn't even dare to reveal his own sexuality.

He wanted to kill his raging love, maybe—— the moment he fell in love with Wang Yuan, he already knew that all his infatuation and expectations must be hopeless.

Yuan Yiping thought of the last time he saw Tang Qingyu again. In the bar where Tang Qingyu used to work, he said with a smile, "Don't just eat, you two, do something else after dinner." Lying on the ground in the ICU, what would he be thinking during the minutes and seconds from waking to unconsciousness?Will he regret it?He regretted not expressing his feelings to Wang Yuan—or, he would be very lonely.

The familiar feeling of powerlessness hit, Yuan Yiping held onto Chen Shuo's hand tightly.