Virewolf

A friend of mine once told me that the epilogue of my last book was very unpopular because I was in a bad state of mind at that time, so she didn't tell me on the spot, but told me during this time.She said that the author should not publish his own interpretation of the work outside the work, which would make her feel that the author's ability is problematic.

I agree with her point of view to a certain extent, but I will probably continue to write the afterword.Recently, I have gradually learned how to examine myself from the matter of writing. For me, only by building an exquisite cage with shortcomings and deficiencies can the desire for expression that has nowhere to rest be at home.Childish, absurd, and self-respecting, but that was probably the original me.I have learned to accept myself.

I still apologize first, I am really sorry everyone, this book has been delayed for so long, and it was interrupted for three months in the middle.In the two months of continuous updating, only one or two articles were updated in a month.During this period of time, no reader has ever criticized me. Everyone is very gentle and patient, but the tone of the reminder is very soft. You are really very good. I never thought that I could be treated like this.

I have a bad habit of writing things since I was a child, that is, I only like to write the beginning and run away after finishing.Later, I thought about this issue and found that not everyone is suitable to be an author, because what most people want to express is just a joke, not a story.If you have an idea and it's great, that's great, but if you want to develop it into a story, then you really have to write more than what you want to write, you have to be complete, you have to write a lot It's your responsibility to tell the story if you have to write something that you don't really like.

The author is best to be an omnivore, but I really don't count it. My favorite characters are relatively fixed and single.It seems that many people will repeatedly write about their favorite characters when they write a book. Both the protagonist and the supporting role have traces in several different books.In the future, I still want to write about different people. I cannot say they are completely different, but there are still differences.

This is actually a little difficult. In reality, the gender distinction between people is subtle, but it is always magnified in online novels. In fact, no one has a very special personality. In the days of life, everyone is more mellow .

I have said a lot, so let’s talk about other things.

This article is very comfortable to write. I used to like to watch the animal world, CCTV9, which is the record channel, broadcasts some animal documentaries all day long.Then I also like to read some animal novels, basically there are no people, only the kind of animal novels.However, when I was writing this book, I found that I seemed to have only watched the excitement, and didn't learn anything superficially, so I realized that it was really nonsense after writing it.

I have this book because I feel guilty about animals.

But I don’t seem to be able to write very profound words. My age and experience are here. I haven’t even entered the society yet. I have to admit that my depth is vulnerable.

Fortunately, I let myself go later, and slowly adjusted to a more suitable state for me.

In the books I have finished in the past, I will talk a lot about the understanding of the plot content. This is really not good.

I gradually realized that an author should not try to explain anything.

Whether it's the plot or anything else, say as little as you can, and it's best not to say anything.

I am still insisting on writing an afterword at the end of each book. Maybe one day I won’t write an afterword. The things in the book, until the end, you can write as much as you want, and you can express everything you want. People who understand will understand. As long as [-]% or [-]% of people can understand, you will be successful. No matter how you explain it to the rest, they will not understand. It’s not that there is a problem with their understanding, but Different people think differently, and your way of expressing it won't work for them.

There are other things I want to say.

The tone of the first half of this book is relatively relaxed, and my mood was relatively pleasant at that time.

Readers who have been following the book may know that my state of this book, from the beginning to the end, has been in a state of ups and downs.There was a warning in the middle, and I was telling everyone on Weibo that the ending is still he, but it may not be so perfect. I also listed a lot of points, saying that Moyan may become black, the protagonist will be injured, and the supporting role may die. Ah, all kinds of things, I am afraid that everyone will not accept it.After thinking about it, I deleted all of them. I will try not to explain anything in the future. If there are so many warnings in a copy, I really feel very noisy.

Whether you want to believe it or not, I want to say that this version is already the mildest.

The outline I wrote before was shown to my friend, and I corrected it after he said it was too miserable.

After reading it again, the difference between before and after is indeed relatively large.It may be because too many things happened in the middle, this book was written for her, and she left me in the mid-serial stage, and it took me a long time to fully recognize this reality.

It can be said that when the serialization resumes, the world left in my heart for this article has collapsed.

Very hopeless, a sense of powerlessness that cannot be expressed in words.

The version you see is much gentler than the original version.

There is one place in it: the ending, which I want to correct myself.

The original ending of this book is that Mo Yan only has the lifespan of a wolf. Although the ending does not mention his death, the implicit meaning is that he will leave first.

Friends said, this is actually the end of tragedy.

I was very stubborn at that time, I said it was not, human beings are too greedy, we have to learn to be satisfied, I hope everyone can slowly digest my meaning after reading this ending.

Looking back now, I understand the obsession at that time. It’s not that I permeated this truth, but that I couldn’t convince myself to believe it. At that time, I was always living in fear of gains and losses, always afraid that she would leave I.Now that she is gone, I realize that I am a selfish and greedy person. I want to be with her for a long time more than anyone else, and I want her to live forever.

However, this is simply impossible.

"She" refers to my puppy.

Her personality is completely different from that of Mo Yan, I just pinned my relationship with her in the book.

This book is for my dog ​​X, who died in the summer of 2019.

In fact, it's been more than half a year, but having her already seems like a lifetime ago.

She was still alive when this book was written, objectively speaking she was very old, but subjectively she was still a child.It's just that several years ago, since I was sensible, I have been afraid. I always knew that her life is very short. Maybe she will die when I just grow up.So I have been so scared, so scared, I am scared every day, when I think of her, I always fantasize about how she left me, and I will breathe a sigh of relief when I see her.During the years when I went to school, every time I think about her, I feel so scared.I was like being persecuted and paranoid, thinking how she would leave me.

This kind of possession makes me always feel a huge gap. Once she is by my side for a long time, I get used to it and feel no fear. Every time I go home, because the time interval is too long, I always feel that she has changed. She got sicker and weaker each time.

Later, I often think of that time when I went to school. I was very young, and she was also very young.I looked back in the car and saw that she had been running after me, yelling as she ran, and didn't listen to her telling her to go back, just following me like this.

She has always been a child, clingy, gluttonous, and mischievous. When she was a child, she had to be sent away for some reason. I went to see her with a bag of ham sausage. She was so happy to see me and kept wagging her tail.When I was leaving, she barked and barked loudly, until I was about to turn a corner, when her voice suddenly became shrill, like a child crying, each sound getting worse.Later, she broke free from the chain and ran home. Her mother couldn't bear it and said she would never give it away again.

And now I threw her under a tree and left without looking back.

I didn't think about going to see her, I just saw her once.

Because I always feel that it is not her, it is a place overgrown with weeds and a strange tree grows, how can there be her there, I can't feel her existence.

Whenever Dad told me, she was under that tree.The picture I think of is always that she is under the tree, raising her head cutely, wagging her tail, and looking at me intently.Instead, it rots slowly in the soil buried under the tree.

I never thought I would be so emotional before.

Later, crying for an hour or two every day became almost commonplace, and the lacrimal glands that I thought had shrunk a long time ago developed to an unbelievable degree.No matter what I am doing, I can suddenly cry while reading a book in the library, and this does not affect my doing my own things. Often I continue to work while looking for paper to wipe my eyes.I didn't cry so hard on the day she died, but it was only ten days after she left that I slowly digested this fact, so that I cried every day after that.Crying is my most instinctive expression. I didn't know that human beings can actually cry until they vomit or twitch.

I don't think anyone can empathize with me, and I don't really need any comfort. I have lost all my empathy during that time, and I just want to stay by myself, until I die.In fact, in the few days after she died, I died with her.I was lying on the bed, not eating, drinking, or sleeping. It was as if I didn’t hear my parents talking to me. It was difficult for me to respond to what they said or did.On the fifth or sixth day, my mother couldn't take it anymore. She forced me off the bed, put on my clothes, and took me out to have a hair dryer. At that time, my dazed state was a little better.Usually life is busy, I can keep up with the pace of time, and I am walking with it in an orderly manner.But she always pops up in my mind from time to time, how happy I was before, but now it is double the pain and suffering.

And so it was for another few months of crying at school, the holidays, and the realization that I was going home.I don't know how to go back. For more than ten years, all the memories of that family are related to her, but she is no longer there.When you open the door, she won't rush to welcome you, and she won't always follow you behind, her body is already rotten and smelly.When I get home, I often squat on the ground, looking for dog hair in corners.She had been dead for too long, and there were very few dog hairs in the house, so I dug out the old clothes, and sure enough, I could find some scattered hairs.I collect them all and put them in a little box.In fact, I have always had a problem of being afraid of the dark, especially when I was a child. My family was very busy with work, so she was mainly with me when I was a child.She is my little hero. When the lights are off, I will be very scared, thinking about things, and the quality of sleep is not good, but she always sleeps next to my bed, curling up and down like a little snail lying there evenly. breathing.I just drooped my arms to touch her, and told her my trivial troubles and unhappiness.She was so touched that I couldn't sleep, she often shook her ears, and looked at me with wide wet eyes in the dark.Suddenly, she would sneeze, or raise her hind legs to lick her fur, and I would pinch her little nose, or deliberately put my hand on her warm belly and let her lick me.The way she smacks her mouth at night is so cute and I think I will always love her.

Dad told me, now you just collapsed like this when the dog is dead, how will you live when your mother and I leave.

I may indeed be too naive.

She was my spiritual pillar to a certain extent, and my pillar collapsed.

In the past, she would go to sleep with my parents in the middle of the night. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t see her, so I called her, and there was the sound of pattering footsteps, and then she walked over lazily. I don’t blame me for waking her up. Those who understand me lie down under my hands, turn around and lie down to sleep, and let out a satisfied panting sound.When I put my hands on her ears, she would turn her face to lick me, her tongue was soft and gentle.This is our unique way of communicating.I still can’t help calling her when I’m lying on the bed at home. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I call her in a low voice. The room is too dark, and I really have auditory hallucinations. If you touch it below, you will find air everywhere you touch it.But sometimes she will sleep under the bed, so I usually knock on the bed.I know she is there so I will continue to sleep peacefully.But I don't like it there now because she died in that place on her last night.I thought about the time and place of her leaving countless times, and every time I was not by her side, in most of my daydreams, I couldn't even see her for the last time.But I didn't expect that she would leave beside me in the end, and I was still asleep.

The day before she died, I didn't pay much attention to her that day.After the novel was released that morning, there was a lot of controversy, mostly scolding, and I just sat in front of the computer for a whole day.In the evening, go for a walk with her.I didn't realize that was the last time I would walk her.I was just immersed in my own world, typing with my back to her.The time has come, but she didn't bother me.She was right behind me, watching me quietly, I knew she was looking at me, but I didn't look at her, I didn't even say sorry to her.She didn't change her posture, just staring at me for a long time behind me.Every time I think of this image now, every time I sit there, I cry until I can't breathe.I thought I knew her very well, and I knew what she meant by every movement and every look in her eyes.But that day, I didn't feel anything wrong with her. At night, she couldn't control her urine a lot, and I was a little angry.Then I told her to take a bath, but she didn't take a bath, and hid under the bed, and I lured her with food, but she didn't come out.I also laughed at her with my dad.I didn't even know that she was not feeling well at that time, she was going to die, she was in so much pain, I was still laughing at her.

The last interaction I had with her was, before going to bed, I put my hand under the bed, pinched her nose, made her gasp and then turned her head away, letting out a breath that sounded cute and helpless.I often bully her like this.This time she also turned her head away, but her breath was very small and weak. I just laughed at that time, and I didn't even notice that she was uncomfortable.Then I turned off the light, and I lay on the bed thinking about the plot of the novel, and fell asleep after thinking about it.I smelled very bad in the middle of the night, and she had been smelly all that time, so I didn't care and continued to sleep.She was gone by then.My sleep quality is very poor, very light, but I didn't hear a sound at all that night.The next morning, I played with my phone for a while before sitting up. At that time, I found her tail protruding from the bed. She never did this, so I realized something was wrong.

I kept shaking her and calling her, but I couldn't confirm that she was dead. I called my father, but my father dragged her out, and my mother dragged me and told me not to watch it.I just realized she was really dead.

She didn't make a sound that night, but her body was wet, her eyes were not even closed, they were half-open, lifeless, her mouth was slightly open, and her tongue was sticking out.The bones on the back of her front legs were exposed, and she was covered in urine.She may have been suffocated by urine due to kidney failure.

But she didn't bother me, she died silently by herself.

I thought about countless possibilities, but the ending would be like this.Every kind of parting that has been expected is full of force majeure.And the ending turned out to be that I was so close to her, she died right next to me.I didn't accompany her, I didn't do anything, I didn't even pay attention to her, she died silently like this, but I was sleeping at that time, I really feel sorry for her all my life.

During that time, I didn't want to do anything. My father told me to continue writing novels, and there were still people waiting to read them.Because the article written at that time has already entered V, and it is the author's obligation to complete the article.I'm in a bad state, and I don't know what I'm writing. I'm writing with a dull mind. Every time I write a word in that article, I think about the way she looked at me on the last day. I really don't want to write. I may Already crazy, I don’t even dare to recall my terrible state at the end of that book. I was in a daze, bored in the room all day, I could write a chapter of [-] words on and off for a day, and my mother said that my eyes were empty when talking to me. It's terrible, it seems that she can't understand what she said at all.I really didn't want to write another article that was double-published at that time, namely "Pi Werewolf", because all the feelings expressed in this book are basically related to her.Thinking about it now, when the serialization resumed in the second half, I completely expressed my guilt towards her in the book.

I ended up writing it because, I believe, had she been around, she would have wanted me to finish the book.It's not that she doesn't know everything, I always feel that she knows more than me.She is absolutely the cutest.

When I came home afterwards—the first time I came home after she died, I took every step before I got home, I took my breath away, and when the door finally opened, I subconsciously lowered my head to search and look around, I Really realized that she was gone.She won't rush up and wag her tail at me, and she won't stay with me at home all the time, steal snacks with me, or lie beside me when I stay up late.We don't dance around the house anymore, and I can't see her stretching when I wake up in the morning. Where should I find her in the future, I really lost her.

I'm not sure if she felt all my love when she left, it's always a pity in my heart.

I used to tell my mother that if I could, if I had this opportunity, I would really like to give my life to dogs.No mother wants to hear that, so my mother said I was talking nonsense.She told me that time heals everything, but me, I don't look forward to that day at all.If it is the price of being hurt by time, and she can exist beside me all the time as a memory, I am willing to accept such a price.I don't want to forget her, and I also miss everything she brought me, even if there is only sadness left.When I wrote "The Wolf Man" before, the final ending was that Mo Yan only had the lifespan of a wolf.At that time, I just wanted to let myself recognize the reality with such an ending, and let me settle the fear of losing her at any time.

But after she really left me, I realized that the pain was far beyond my imagination, and it was far beyond words. How could I let the people in the book experience it again?I can't let it go, I really can't let it go, how can Chu'er be able to let it go?We human beings are so greedy and greedy, we want to last forever, we want to live forever, I understand the truth, I know she can't be with me forever, but I really can't accept her gone, maybe I will accept it in the future, But I really don't want that day to come so early, I always think that when I have crossed decades of time and space, when I arrive in heaven, the angel will tell me, ah, so you are so and so, your little X I've been thinking about you for decades.Then she rushed over wagging her tail. We were all old at that time, and the old lady was crying with joy on the soft clouds holding her old puppy.

I know all the people around me, what they said: that she will become an angel to accompany me all the time, that we will meet again after I die, etc., these are words to comfort me and lie to me.I found that the view of life and death that I agree with is that there is no heaven and hell, and the fate of this life is only this life. I know that she and I will never meet again in this life, the fate of this life is over, and there will be no future.

So I changed the ending. I was wrong before. I shouldn’t put my expectations on the characters in the book. This is a fact that I can’t accept. I read.

In this case, let Chu'er and Xiaoyan be together for a long time, never to be separated in this life, and accompany each other forever.Let them not have to go through life and death again, stay with each other forever in the perfect time and space, and live happily through this life.

Thank you for coming here, see you soon.