We didn't die at the end

01

The first time I saw Cheng Yihuan up close was on the first day of the second year of high school.

After the arts and sciences were divided into classes, the grade department created four key classes, covering one article and three sciences, all of which were thrown on the top floor and isolated from the world.In fact, my comprehensive essay was in a mess. I was at a loss when I answered the political questions in the class test. I just wanted to draw a party constitution in the frame. Because of my Chinese composition, I used my brain a little bit and pretended to be forced. It was circulated by the language office and was recommended for no reason. After entering Wenzhong, it is next to Lizhong where Xu Wei is.

Xu Wei is my neighbor who grew up wearing a pair of underpants.This is a must-have quote from our mothers when introducing them to outsiders.Of course, this sentence itself is ambiguous, because in fact, no matter how good our relationship is, we grew up wearing two pairs of underpants.Xu Wei and I went to kindergarten, elementary school, junior high school and high school together. To be precise, there is no kindergarten—our kindergarten was run by my retired professor grandfather.My grandfather used to be a middle-aged antique, and then he became an old antique. At that time, two ugly plastic benches were placed in the living room every morning. Xu Wei and I sat on one, and my grandfather held a folding fan and read "Yes." Bandit gentleman", I sat on the stool and said "oil ruins the military paper" in a low voice, Xu Wei didn't even open his mouth, lowered his head, frowned and pressed his lips tightly, and cut his toenails.He could cut his toenails at the age of three, which probably has something to do with the rapid growth of all the things made of keratin on his body.He is very ticklish, and when others cut him, he would roll over and kick people. Once, his mother slipped his right thumb and completely lifted the thumbnail of his right foot. He cried so loudly, and since then No one dared to touch his feet.

Around the second year of middle school, Xu Wei, who was dark, short and thin when he was a child, began to grow like his keratin, and he was very annoying, unlike most adolescent boys who sprung up like bamboo shoots after a spring rain. A trembling bamboo pole, and then slowly swelled and deformed after two years, this person is unexpectedly long and balanced, with tall legs, long shoulders and broad shoulders, in short, he looks very different from those skinny boys.I was one of those skinny chicken boys.Xu Wei's seat was moved all the way back, from the middle of the classroom to the end.His stubborn keratin makes his eyelashes thick and curly, coupled with his wheat-colored skin that seems to have been baptized by the sun, in all fairness, he looks like a mixed race.In all fairness, I would only say that he looks like kebabs in front of him.He sat in the last row, his legs were too long to fit under the table hole, so he stretched out and swayed under the Mu Susu chair in the front seat, and sometimes he swayed so much that he hit the leg of the Mu Susu chair, the girl opened her almond eyes and turned her head to stare at him.Shaking a few times bumping a few times and staring a few times, Xu Wei got Banhua just like that.

However, Xu Wei and I, who received the same unreliable preschool education since childhood, embarked on completely different life paths, especially when we applied to No. [-] Middle School together before the senior high school entrance examination. I took the title of literary expertise, and he relied on A few medals in science competitions.

Although I find it quite disgusting, my mother and Xu's mother did make sense when they said this: Xu Wei and I have some sort of predestined relationship.For example, in the first class test, in addition to language and mathematics, I was divided into parallel classes. I was [-] points higher than him in Chinese, [-] points lower than him in mathematics, and the same in English, so I entered the same class.For example, when it was divided into arts and sciences later, I was next to his class.For example, on the first day of the second year of high school, I packed my things and settled my seat and wanted to take a pee. When I passed by Xu Wei’s class, I took a look. Xu Wei, who happened to be sitting in the big group by the window but not by the window, raised his head. head.Then I just saw his tablemate Cheng Yihuan.

Xu Wei snapped his fingers at me after seeing me, and I raised my eyebrows as usual.Cheng Yihuan, who was next to Xu Wei by the window, glanced at me without any expression, and continued to lower his head to write his name on his new book.I didn't see it too clearly, lying on the window sill and telling Xu Wei through him that my mother asked us to come to my house for dinner today.At this moment, Cheng Yihuan put down his pen, and picked up a transparent water cup on the table with his right hand to test the temperature of the water. The inner wall of the cup was surrounded by a hazy and thin white mist, and arcs were drawn by the undulating water as he moved. Condensed water droplets fell from the center of the cup lid.He raised his head to drink water, and his slightly protruding Adam's apple moved indistinctly. I could almost hear the "gudong" sound when he swallowed. Then he put down the water glass, stretched out his right middle finger and wiped his lower lip quickly Residual water stains.I was dumbfounded.At that moment, I almost forgot where I was: he was like that cup of warm water, I turned into powder and fell into it, but because it was so small, it disappeared in an instant.Or I turned into a puddle of warm water, evaporating in the sun.At that moment, I wanted to write a long poem to praise him, and the beginning must be like this: Hello, Cheng Yihuan.

02

I thought about it later when I was peeing, I never really looked at Cheng Yihuan's face seriously.In fact, Cheng Yihuan, who just started Class [-] in the first year of senior high school, is already famous.At that time, the girls in the class were screaming and gesticulating: "Cheng Yihuan from class [-] is even whiter than Jiang Yao! (Jiang Yao is a girl in our class who puts a ton of sunscreen on her face every day and looks like a concubine when she is exposed to the sun) The face is only so small! (Comparing casually) The eyes are so big! (Comparing casually again) Anyway, it’s so beautiful, go and see it!”

Cheng Yihuan was not hard to find, he was the one who was shining white among the dark crowd in the cafeteria at noon, and the one surrounded by a bunch of girls covering their faces and holding their hearts was also him.Cheng Yihuan probably knows that he is very good-looking, he always walks with his head slightly lowered, and there is no expression on his face. I have seen him a few times from a distance, and his facial features are a little blurred.Later, Xu Wei and Cheng Yihuan met in the mathematics competition class, and Cheng Yihuan even greeted him, but I still didn't pay attention to him.After all, there are too many people greeting Xu Wei, men, women, young and old.But I have always wondered why Li Yan in the class next door has always been called a "sissy", but I have never heard anyone say that.

In fact, if you want to say that she looks like a girl, then Cheng Yihuan is more similar, right?When I asked Xu Wei this question, I thought I would ask it casually, and there was nothing wrong with him answering casually or even not answering, but he rested his chin as if thinking about it seriously, and then shook his head, "Cheng Yihuan is different."

So I didn't know the reason for this until then.Cheng Yihuan is no longer simply good-looking or beautiful to describe, his beauty is called moisturizing and silent.His gestures, gestures, gestures, frowns and smiles are all just right, and his beauty is so gender-ambiguous.This is a deadly hormone that can not only affect sixteen or seventeen-year-old girls, but also conquer sixteen or seventeen-year-old boys.

Afterwards, I passed by their class to say hello to Xu Wei and sadly admitted that I was conquered by him when I met Cheng Yihuan again and again.I became madly obsessed with him, and this love and obsession obviously had nothing to do with his gender (so I didn't bother with my different sexual orientation), but only with him.The reason why I say this is because the Cheng Yihuan in my dream, sometimes with a bare back and black hair hanging down to her waist like a waterfall, looks completely like a woman. Sometimes I lean forward to kiss his soft lips, and I can clearly see Feeling that he has some frizzy stubble, it's so clear that it doesn't even look like in a dream.These various and grotesque dreams brought sticky and damp mornings one after another, disturbing but extremely comforting.I think Narcissus probably has Cheng Yihuan's face, or when Narcissus looked at the lake, the lake reflected Cheng Yihuan's appearance instead of him.I even viciously hope that Cheng Yihuan can become Narcissus, he rejects all his servants (including me), loves himself paranoidly, dies in love for himself, and lives forever in love for himself.But passing by his window one time I realized with horror, my boy, that he could never be Narcissus.He loves another person humblely like all filthy mortals, and what makes me feel even more unbearable is that that person is my best friend Xu Wei.

03

My pregnant mother and Xu Wei's mother moved into this building at the same time. The two irritable women who were suffering from morning sickness found a confidant after seeing their husband's displeasure.On Xu Wei's birthday, my mother cheered her up with her big belly. When I was born, Xu Wei's mother held Xu Wei, a three-month-old little boy, to welcome my birth.Xu Wei and I just avoided all the possible contradictions and comparisons that would make their friendship—we could walk and talk when we were almost the same age, and the first thing we called out was "Mom"; one of us loves literature and the other is mathematics and science We are geniuses; we do everything together, never quarrel or compare.But now this harmony has all been broken.

It was noon that time.When I passed by Yihuan's bedside, Xu Wei was sleeping, with his eyes closed facing his deskmate, while his deskmate Cheng Yihuan was looking at him secretly with his head turned sideways.From my angle, I can just see Cheng Yihuan's eyes under the beautiful eyelashes.I've seen this kind of look many times, and I couldn't be more familiar with it. Miao Susu, who didn't get into No. [-] Middle School in the summer vacation of the third year of junior high school, looked at Xu Wei like this. My mother looked like this when she looked at her high school classmate - my "Uncle Zhang". This kind of look; when I looked in the mirror before I took a bath and suddenly thought of Cheng Yihuan, I also had this kind of look in the mirror.This is an affectionate and sad color, the sadness of separating two places, the sadness of time, and the sadness of not being loved.

At that moment, I understood Cheng Yihuan's feelings. I tried my best not to look at him but I couldn't. He was so gentle that he almost melted.I love and hate Cheng Yihuan like this.I especially hate Cheng Yihuan who sometimes stands in the corridor outside the classroom talking to Xu Wei.He was shorter than Xu Wei, and his voice was soft, and he was very close to Xu Wei; he didn't dare to look directly at each other, and only raised his face to look at Xu Wei after he finished speaking with his head down.He would purse his lips slightly, open his eyes wide, the sunlight danced in his amber pupils, and their lips were only a few feet away. At this time, he would suddenly blush, and take a small step back in embarrassment. Go back to Xu Wei.However, it won't take long for this kind of longing to turn into a new love, and let Cheng Yihuan go further to eat away at my heart.

When I do my homework in the classroom, I think of Xu Wei and Cheng Yihuan next door.When Cheng Yihuan encounters a problem, he will frown slightly and do calculations on the draft paper. When he finds that he still can't do it, he sneaks a glance at Xu Weiying's angry side face next to him, and gently pokes his elbow with his fingertips, like It was the cat's paws that lightly touched the owner, begging to be caressed, pushed the problem in front of him, then turned its head and lay in the crook of its arms to watch Xu Wei solve the problem, blinking its big eyes.Xu Wei had the habit of turning the pen, and accidentally dropped the pen on the ground. Cheng Yihuan bent down to help him pick it up, and when he handed the pen to him, his fingertips pretended to graze his palm inadvertently.While Cheng Yihuan said "it's okay", he secretly hoped that Xu Wei could warm his hands... They would clap their hands and cheer for the finale question, and they would childishly outcompete anyone to do the question faster. Laughter, I have never seen him laugh, he must look good when he smiles...but I have to let my thoughts go back to the socialist core values ​​in front of me, and choose the right one for the paper mill, oil factory and furniture factory industrial layout location.

Although I am jealous of Xu Wei, I can only get to know Cheng Yihuan through him.Every night before class was over for self-study, I started unpacking my schoolbag. As soon as the bell rang, I rushed to the next class to wait for Xu Wei, who was dawdling, to go home together.Xu Wei would call Cheng Yihuan's name when he carried his schoolbag on his back, and then say "goodbye". Cheng Yihuan said "goodbye" at first, and later "goodbye" became "good night".One day I moved God to open his eyes, Cheng Yihuan said to me - of course he didn't say good night to me.He said, "Xu Wei, good night", and then he called my name, "Wang Xu, goodbye."

That's when I really wanted to pull out my phone and ask him to say it again, record it and set it as a ringtone, text message or alarm, whatever.I also hope that this is a voice, so that whenever I have time, I will click on the dialog box with Cheng Yihuan and play this voice repeatedly.If...if I have Cheng Yihuan's QQ, then my note to him must be, "Beatrice".

Although I have been thinking this way, I was still at a loss when I received the WeChat friend request from Cheng Yihuan.The verification message was "Xu Wei said that if you have language problems, you can contact you... Cheng Yihuan." I read it many times before I clicked to agree.Cheng Yihuan's avatar is a black and white eyeball that has been blown out, and his name is "HuAn". I clicked to modify the note, and after Beia typed it, I paused, and then long-pressed to go back, and finally did not give him a note name.Then I clicked on his space.Cheng Yihuan seldom posts, and often only updates one for several weeks or months.The most recent one was a photo he posted a month ago, with the text "taken at the same table".In the photo, Cheng Yihuan turns his head and smiles towards the camera. His face is half sunny and half shadowy, his canine teeth are swaying cutely, his eyes are bent into the shape of moon rings, peach blossoms are rubbed out at the end of his eyes, and his eyes are stained. crimson.That was the first time I saw Cheng Yihuan laughing, and I could hardly describe it with my poor language.I saw Xu Wei commenting, "It's very beautiful! I'm amazing!" Cheng Yihuan replied him with an "um" and an exclamation point.There is no expression, but I seem to be able to see Cheng Yi laughing and acting like a baby through this word: his soft body leans into Xu Wei's arms, his gentle breath becomes a love poem in the air, he Lips as bright as roses opened and closed.He showed his beauty unsparingly like a male peacock in heat, he was saying, how beautiful I am, come and kiss me.

I continue to flip forward.On the first day of school on September 24st, Cheng Yihuan sent a message "I am so lucky to be divided into classes".I froze.It turned out that it was as early as that time... and then turned to the first year of high school. On December [-], Cheng Yihuan wrote, "I didn't listen to the whole class competition today! I don't know anything now! I want to give Christmas gifts...", In the comments, he wrote again, "In the end, I still didn't dare to send it out." I saw someone ask him, "Do you have someone you like?" He replied "Yeah".

I suddenly remembered that at Christmas in the first year of high school, many girls held the gifts they had prepared and shouted brokenhearted. After inquiring, I found out that it was said that Cheng Yihuan from Class [-] said that he had someone he liked and then rejected them all.Out of the jealousy of a normal adolescent boy, I said to Xu Wei very dissatisfied at the time: "Isn't he just Cheng Yihuan? As for exaggerating so much?" Xu Wei smiled, noncommittal.Now it seems that the original debt has long been owed.There are thousands of times to look back in a person's life, but everything started so much earlier than I imagined.