[Hokage] Her love with him

Episode three

"I said to myself, even though I once loved her so passionately, no matter how unparalleled she is in the world, it is still inseparable from the circumstances in which we met and loved each other. In my opinion, Take a woman you love out of the whole environment in which you met and communicated with her, think about it day and night, and wholeheartedly idealize what she doesn't have, that is, idealize the history of living with her, and The historical idealization of love formation is a wrong way of thinking.

In the end, what I love in this woman is not what she is for herself, but what she is to me, what she means to me. "

——[Czech Republic] Milan Kundera "The Joke"

Back in my own study, I found the lights in the room were on.

It is Ye Xunyuan, and only he has the key to my study.

In all fairness, I like Ye Xunyuan.Although I don't know whether my feelings for him have risen to the height of love.

But I think that I love myself more than I love him.Otherwise, why would I keep rejecting his marriage proposal.

The first time I met Ye Xunyuan was after the end of the Fourth World War, Konoha had just been rebuilt, and I had just bought this store.

It was a sunny and lazy afternoon, there was no cloud or wind in the blue sky, and the warm breath of early spring made people want to hide under the blanket and fall asleep.There were not many people in the store that day, and I lazily hid in the armchair among the bookshelves reading a novel, and then I heard the bell at the door 'jingling, dingling' ring.At first I didn't pay much attention to it, people come and go in the bookstore, but after a while I felt someone come to my armchair and stop, then I put down the book in my hand and looked up.

It was a young man, wearing a brown long-sleeved shirt and a warm coffee-colored scarf—he didn't look like a ninja at first glance.When he found me looking at him, he seemed a little embarrassed, scratched his hair, coughed lightly, and said, "Excuse me, may I ask, are there any books written by 'Miaomu Immortal' here?"

"Miaomu Immortal?" I was stunned when I heard it, because although his book was quite famous, but because he was actually a writer a long time ago—probably from my childhood, and it has been abandoned for a long time Yes, I didn't react right away. "You mean "The Legend of Root Ninja"?"

"No", he seemed to be even more embarrassed, "The name is "Intimate Paradise", I heard it is a serialized work..." He hesitated, as if he also felt that the title of the book was a little hard to pronounce.

Only then did I take a closer look at this person. It was really unbelievable. A handsome guy with a serious face would actually like such a heavy mouthful.But the customer is God, I wrapped the book for him, and reminded him kindly: "This book was a long time ago, and I don't have two copies here, and it is said that the author is cheating, but... um... how to say it Well, in similar books, it is quite elegant and wonderful."

Afterwards, he thanked me very politely and left.I continued to sit in my rocking chair and read a book, and the time passed slowly like this.In the evening, when I finally finished reading a novel and saw that the time was about to close, I heard a rush of bells, and then I heard him shouting at the door: "Boss—"

He seemed to be running over in a hurry, his face still flushed from strenuous exercise, and in his hand was the book I wrapped him in the afternoon—the cover had been opened.I looked at him suspiciously. After he caught my sight, he looked away instantly, and his face became even redder: "Boss, this, this book..."

"What's wrong? Could it be that there is a printing problem?" I stepped forward, wanting to take the book to check.

But he hastily took two steps back, returning the book and hiding it behind him: "Well, it's not about the book... I seem to have bought the wrong book... No, I... I want to buy a book about how to fall in love, but... "His voice became softer: "Those guys..." Then he raised his head, looked at me, as if he had made up his mind, and explained loudly, "Zhi, boss... I, I Those who don’t like this kind of book are my teammates, ah, colleagues, they recommended me to buy it, I don’t understand its content, so, I…” We looked at each other, he seemed to feel uncomfortable, he was angry It loosened again, and the sound gradually became smaller until it disappeared.His eyes also moved away, as if something on the ground suddenly attracted his attention, but his face turned even redder.For some reason, I think he looks cute like this, and I can't help but chuckle.

He looked up again: "My name is Ye Xunyuan. I know you are the owner of the bookstore. I, I can always see you studying here. Shall we make friends? Because, I think, you must have read a lot of books." , when I have time, can I talk to you, or let you recommend some books for me?"

"Okay." I smiled at him, "My name is Qianchuan Zhizi, just call me Zhizi~"

We got to know each other like this, and with the deepening of communication, I feel that we have many similar viewpoints, and we really seem to have found a bosom friend.I found out that he liked me, and I had a crush on him, so naturally, we held hands, dated, kissed, and we talked about getting married.

I thought we would be the most suitable partners for each other, the only thing that disagrees is that Yu Yuan seems to have a good impression of the ninja profession, because during our dating process, he took me around the ninja school intentionally or unintentionally. I went to the ninja weapon shop.I once doubted whether he was a ninja, but I really couldn't ask such discriminatory questions due to personal subjective reasons, and although Yuan's work is always on business trips, every time he and I dated I was wearing ordinary people’s clothes, so gradually, I dispelled my doubts and gradually accepted to date him in a place full of ninja atmosphere-after all, this is a small hobby of a lover, I just don’t want my lover to be a ninja, Everything else is no problem for me.

The relationship between us became closer and closer, and those little disagreements seemed to be less and less of a problem, and just like that, Yuan proposed to me for the first time.

He set his first marriage proposal at the ninja school.That evening, I followed the message he left me and came under the big tree of the ninja school, and saw him coming out from behind the big tree, holding an orange lantern in his hand.He asked me: "Gardenia, would you marry me? I would like to guard you, care for you, and protect you for the rest of my life. So, please be my wife, okay? I know, you are afraid of ninjas, and even a little disgusted." Ninja, so I have been guiding you all the time, and I finally proposed to you when you no longer resist the world of ninjas. Although I am a ninja, I will always be an ordinary person in front of you, so you don’t have to be afraid of me, and, I will protect you forever. So, are you willing to start a family with me and spend the rest of your life together?"

At that moment, I really wanted to answer him: I would, but I heard myself ask him calmly: "Yuan, you are... a ninja? Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I..." Yuan smiled embarrassedly: "Actually, it was not the first time we met at the bookstore that day. We met a long time ago when we were in the orphanage. Maybe you don't seem to remember me , but I have wanted to protect you since I was a child."

As I thought about it, a vague image appeared in my mind: "So, you are... the boy who hugged me and cried?"

"Well..." His face flushed: "Don't say such embarrassing things... Anyway, I have been paying attention to you silently. I know that you have always been afraid of the world of ninjas, so I deliberately dressed up as ordinary I went to ask you to borrow books, and I was tricked by those guys who gave me advice... But, you really didn’t remember me at that time.” When he said this, his tone was a little low, but he became excited again in a flash: “But Gardenia, you see, since our relationship, I have gradually brought you into the world of ninjas, which is actually not that scary, and you have gradually accepted all of this."

I couldn't answer him, especially when he was in such high spirits.How can I totally deny our relationship just because he is a ninja?But I couldn't agree to him easily, so I told him that his marriage proposal was a bit abrupt, and I wanted to go back and think it over carefully.

Although he was a little surprised by my answer, he didn't think too much, and said with a smile: "Okay, Zhizi, I'll wait for you."

After that, we separated in a short while, and he still took me to the study, and then said goodbye to me with a smile.

I hesitated for days.My emotions can't wait for me to agree to him, but my reason sticks to the bottom line. It says: Gardenia, have you forgotten the love story between Uchiha Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke?When others admired their love, didn't you just sneer and make up your mind not to marry a ninja?So long-term pain is worse than short-term pain, when it is broken, it is broken.

Finally, a few days later, when I made up my mind and plucked up the courage to go to Yuan to explain it, I suddenly received a letter from Yuan. The letter said that he had an urgent task, long-term, maybe a year. Will come back later.He said he was sorry that he could not communicate with me during this period because of the confidentiality of the mission.He wanted me to wait for him and then when he came back he wanted me to marry him.

I did not fall in love again, but it does not mean that I am ready to marry him.Days passed by without notice, and spring, summer, autumn and winter passed without people noticing. Finally, one spring day a year later, Ino told me that Yuan was coming back. The mission was completed smoothly and he made a great contribution.

I was surprised to find that I was not very excited, although my heart was full of him.But I think I've made up my mind.

That was the first time I broke up with him, the reason was: I thought about it carefully, we are not suitable, and we may not be happy in the future.He was surprised and puzzled, so that was the first time we broke up.Within two days, he received an order to go on a mission again. He came to me and said that he didn't know what he did wrong when he proposed, so he hoped to solve our problem after he came back from the mission.

So it was like this, intermittently, I rejected him, he went on a mission, he proposed again after he came back, and then broke up because of an urgent mission... Going around, before I noticed, more than four years have passed.

I looked at the bright yellow light from the window, pushed open the door, but sighed in my heart. 'This is the last time,' I thought: 'This time, no matter what, I will draw an ending between us. '

I pushed open the door and saw Yuan just put the soup on the table, he asked me with a smile: "Gardenia, why did you come back so late today?"

I took off my shoes and said to him, "Yuan, I think we need to talk."

"Well, I think so too." He went into the kitchen again and brought out a plate of tempura and a plate of eel rolls. "I came today just to have a good chat with you, come and eat, I made your favorite eel roll. Then when I came back today, I saw that the tofu at Grandma Yamada's was very fresh, so I bought a piece and made it Tofu soup, try it quickly."

I washed my hands and mechanically sat down on the edge of the table.Although I have already thought about it, it is still difficult to say it to him.

"Yuan," I took a deep breath: "don't come to me in the future. You know, I won't marry you."

"Gardenia," he also sat down, looked at me with light gray eyes, like looking at an ignorant child, his eyes were full of tolerance: "Why? Is it because I am afraid that I will be away from home often because of the mission? "

Having to leave home due to missions is only part of the reason, although I am well aware that this fact is probably a common problem among ninjas.One of my fears is the resulting distance.It not only refers to the physical distance between each other in two places, but also the distance between two people who no longer fit in their hearts because of the long separation.

"Probably, I don't know." I stared at the tofu soup on the table, but my eyes couldn't focus on it: "Because I don't know if you will receive the task of leaving the village for a long time like Uchiha Sasuke. You You know, today when I heard Yui say that little Sarah didn't remember her father's appearance before, my first reaction was that it was ridiculous, but after thinking about it, I can understand that Uchiha Sasuke has been carrying out secret missions for many years. Since Sarah can remember, she hasn't seen him once. What an incompetent father. So I have always admired Uchiha Sakura, not only for her superb medical skills, but also because she is a woman, a Wife, she can endure such a long separation from her lover, and she almost brought up little Sarah by herself. So, how strong her heart must be." The tofu soup just out of the pot exudes heat.The temperature in early spring is still a bit cold, I thought, otherwise how could the steam of tofu soup be so thick that my vision is blurred? "I sometimes think, what will happen to me if you can't come back for a year, two years... or even a few years? I probably wonder if you are in love with someone else, so you don't go home. Will I still look like you like me like that? And because of the secrecy of the ninja mission, I have not been able to know about you for such a long time, so I don’t even change your appearance, what is the difference in preferences? What is the difference between us like this and strangers? How can I be a qualified lover when I am so far away from you, and what should I use to love? You who are becoming more and more unfamiliar to me?"

"Don't cry, Gardenia." I don't know if it's because of the cold weather in early spring, but Yuan's voice sounded a little hoarse, but there was a strange kind of gentleness: "We won't become strangers. Don't worry, I have already consulted Minister Anbu for instructions, so I have been doing assignments for the past few years. After we get married, I can no longer accept those assignments. At that time, I will accompany you in the village, If it is a task that requires leaving the village, it will take a few days at most, and I will rush back, so don’t be afraid, Zhizi.” I didn’t realize until Yuan stood up, bent down, and wiped my tears across the table. , so I cried.

He looked at me intently, but I avoided his sight and didn't dare to look into his eyes, maybe because I was afraid of seeing the pain and struggle that might be in his eyes.Yuan said that he is willing to give up a long-term mission for me, which I believe, although I don't agree with it-how can I trip him because of my personal reasons?In this moment, I have never been so aware of the fact that 'I love him' - I want him to do whatever he wants, I want him to achieve all his aspirations and ideals, even without considering me , even if he will be away from the village for a long time.Although my reason kept clamoring 'this is not appropriate', my emotions reflexively gave me the answer: deep down in my heart, I was willing to wait for him, even though his mission would take a year , Two years... or even longer, I think, I am willing to wait for his return in our 'home'.

However, I found myself waving his hand away.At this moment, I seemed to be torn into two people.The 'emotional' me that seems to be floating in mid-air anxiously watching everything that's going to happen - wants to hug him, kiss him, tell him I'd do anything for him, tell him I can stand separation Waiting for him to come back in Konoha, hoping he can achieve everything he wants to do - but he can't do anything; another monster named 'Sanity' has occupied my body, with the coldest voice and the most ruthless expression , revealing the most hidden and vicious thoughts in my heart.

"But, you will die." Yuan was a bit wrong.I have never been afraid of the world of ninjas, but deeply disgusted.

"Obviously ninja is such a dangerous profession, isn't it?" The voice uttered those vicious words cruelly: "I will never fall in love with a person who will die at any time. You are so selfish. Hentai The longing is no longer enough to punish me, do you still want me to spend my whole life gambling and living in fear, living in the fear of losing you every day? Have you ever thought that if you die, the me who fell in love with you What kind of pain will you suffer?"

The one belonging to 'emotion' I tried desperately to stop myself from speaking, but my lips seemed out of my control: "Why do you want me to give up my otherwise ordinary and happy life to be with you? To meet someone who may have many Unknown future of suffering?" From the corner of my eyes, I saw Yuan raised his hand to pull me after I opened it, but stopped after hearing my words, and then slowly and powerlessly fell down.He lowered his head, I couldn't see his expression clearly, I could only see his hanging hands clenched deeply into fists, I wondered if his fingertips were pinched into the flesh.

There was a chilling silence in the room, as if the cold air left over from winter poured into the body and reached the bottom of the heart.It was so quiet that even the sound of breathing was barely audible.

'Qianchuan Zhizi, you vicious woman' I heard in my mind, I said to myself: 'Yuan loves you so much, you hurt him deeply.A person like you is not worthy of his love at all, it's fine to separate. 'Obviously, I don't want to hurt him, I'd rather he scold me and beat me, and accuse me harshly, than he bears it silently.I want to explain to him, I want to beg his forgiveness, but what can I explain?These are the most vicious thoughts in my heart. I did it myself, so how can I expect his forgiveness?

For a long time, there was silence.I finally mustered up the courage, even if he will never forgive me, I don't want him to continue to be sad because of my words: "Yuan, I..."

But he cut me off.

I saw him raise his head, trying to force a smile at me, but his eyes were so sad that he looked desperate: "Gardenia, haha," he raised his hand and touched the back of his head, trying to pretend that he didn't care, but in front of me Under his gaze, he was defeated, as if he had lost all motivation, his arms slowly lowered, and his voice was so low that it was almost inaudible. "Yes, I'm sorry, Gardenia...I originally...I wanted to protect you, but, I...caused you these troubles, I'm sorry..."

As he spoke, he staggered and wanted to escape from here, not even taking the coat on the hanger.I don't know if it was because of his restlessness, but when he walked to the door, he tripped over the threshold.

"Yuan—" I rushed to the door and tried to stop him, but he just turned his head and gave me a comforting smile, waved his hand again, but kept walking away, and disappeared after a while.

I fell to the door.Looking at his back in a daze, I thought, I messed up everything.

The tofu soup in the house has cooled down and no longer emits heat. I feel like my heart is like the bowl of soup that has cooled down, and maybe it will never be warmed up again.

I am so, so.

loathe myself.