Shadow of great britain

This article was written by Mr. Elder Carter in South America and sent back to London with a letter. After polishing and revision, it was anonymously published in the short poetry column of the first half-monthly issue of "The Englishman" in January 1832.

Due to the use of a large number of controversial words and phrases in the article, it was severely criticized by Wordsworth, Southey and other "Blackwood" resident poets of the Lakeside School as soon as it was published.

Robert Southey bluntly said: "This poem is as dirty as the sewage outlet of the Thames. The publication of this poem is tantamount to a terrorist attack on the British classical literature world. This is not only for the entire Britain The tarnishment of the literary world is a blasphemy against tradition and beautiful Christian morality. The poet who wrote this poem is an immoral and blasphemous poet. He is Dante in the fallen era, and his purpose in writing this poem is Just take everyone to hell."

For this reason, Alfred Tennyson, the romantic literature editor of "The British" newspaper, publicly apologized in the second half of the monthly issue of "The British" in January 1832, and stated that he would withdraw the manuscript and would increase the review and review of submitted manuscripts in the future. Inspection work.

In early March, the Book Publishing Committee of the House of Commons of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland issued a note to the Metropolitan Police, listing this series of poems and books such as "The Red and the Black" in the new issue for "guiding bad social atmosphere and corrupting Christian morals". The list of banned books and newspapers is entrusted to the Assistant Chief Constable of the Metropolitan Police, Arthur Hastings.

"Forgotten River"

Cruel and heartless soul, please hold me close to my chest,

You cold monster, beloved tiger girl.

My trembling fingers, I wish it would last forever

Buried in the center of your thick hair.

The fragrance spreads under your petticoat,

I want to hide my aching head,

Like withered flowers,

Smell the scent of past love.

I really want to sleep! More than the desire for life!

Sleeping like death in sweet dreams,

Imprint all over you with kisses without regrets

Smooth and beautiful body with bronze color.

To swallow the sobs that just subsided,

Nothing compares to the flower bed of your abyss;

Powerful oblivion dwells on your red lips,

Lethe flows in your kiss.

I accept my fate and will be happy and peaceful from now on.

Just like the soul is finally redeemed and liberated;

Submissive sacrifice, innocent prisoner,

Fanaticism will fan the fire of his pain,

To clear away my grudges, I sip

The dew of forgetfulness and the nectar of hemlock,

On your pretty and charming xx,

The longing that never confines the soul.

Although the collection of poems has been included in the censorship list, it is still widely read due to the rampant activities of London's underground publishing market.

After the collection of poems was criticized by "Blackwood", Alexandre Dumas, the famous fashion novelist of "The Anglican", wrote an article to put forward opposing views. Mr. Dumas satirized Robert Southett.

"After the "Forgotten River" series of poetry collections were published, I discovered a strange phenomenon. Those gentlemen and ladies who usually regard themselves as the most virtuous, perfect and noble were filled with righteous indignation, while those who were the least virtuous and the most noble were filled with righteous indignation. The reaction of the incomplete and most philistine citizens is not that strong. This phenomenon really makes me curious, why are the reactions of the citizens so different from those of gentlemen and ladies?

With such doubts, I asked a butcher shop owner who sells offal for his opinion on those controversial poems. As a result, the tall and round gentleman wiped his hands on his greasy and reflective apron and said with a smile. I said, 'Sir, what have I got to be angry about?' The ugly things written above are not about me. ’”

The controversy between Alexandre Dumas and Robert Southey continued to escalate. According to the Times, the editorial offices of The Englishman and Blackwood were only one building apart in Fleet Street.

The editorial board of the "London Morning Post", which was sandwiched between the two families, joked: "When I go to work every day, I can smell the smell of gunpowder smoke in the air. But we are not surprised by this, because many people in Fleet Street do. You know, before Mr. Dumas came to London, he was already good at shooting and shooting. Regarding this, Mr. Clark, the editor of the "Daily Illustrated" who had dueled with Mr. Dumas, and the actor who starred in "Monte Cristo" "The Count" and Mrs. Garland can all testify. The only regrettable thing is that Mr. Dumas usually chooses different calibers of guns when facing men and women."

…

This article was published in "The British" in November 1831 by His Excellency Agares, the retired deputy leader of Hell, the Grand Duke of Hell who once controlled 31 demon legions, the leader of King Solomon, the ruler of Jerusalem, and the legendary Red Devil. Second half of the month.

"The moral decline of Britain caused by the decline in average intelligence"

"Alas! You young people in the new century, you young guys, are really becoming more and more indulgent and frivolous! In the era when I was young, people respected humility and solemnity, and knew how to respect the guidance of wise men. And what about today's children? They have no restraint in their words and deeds, and they don't even know what politeness is.

You never know that true wisdom comes from inner cultivation and awe of the outside world, rather than from casually chasing trends, losing traditional constraints and moral foundation, you are nothing. You are good at making opinions and think you are very smart. Do you think you are as wise as King Solomon? "

A silver-haired old gentleman, leaning on a cane, sat on a park bench and gave a painful lecture to two young people passing by who were holding umbrellas.

The two of them were neither dressed like rich upper-class gentlemen, nor were they as dirty as scavengers. Looking at their dull and dull eyes, oh, these turned out to be two nerds studying at the University of London.

The young man walking behind listened to the old gentleman's kind words. Instead of thanking him at all, he spat on the ground and shamelessly talked back to the old gentleman: "Old guy, don't use an umbrella when it rains. There are so many Water was poured on you, but your head is still hot?"

After saying this, he stepped forward and patted the shoulder of the young man walking in front of him: "Arthur, it's raining so hard, why don't you walk faster?"

The young man walking in front seemed to have a somewhat incomplete intelligence. He even spoke slowly: "Why are you so anxious? Isn't it raining ahead?"

The young man named Arthur turned his head and stared at his companion's pocket and asked: "I forgot to bring money. How much do you have with you? I'm a little hungry after watching the theater."

The young man behind put his hand into his pocket: "I have two shillings in my left trouser pocket and sixpence in my right trouser pocket."

The young man named Arthur was indeed mentally handicapped. He couldn't convert, but said impatiently: "Elder, I don't care about your left pocket and right pocket, I just want to know how much money you have. The food this week has been too light, I want to eat something good now."

The young man named Elder spread his hands: "Sorry, I don't have a penny."

The mentally retarded young man was stunned for a long time: "Don't you have money in your left and right pockets?"

Elder curled his lips and shrugged his shoulders: "I know, but these pants are not mine."

Arthur looked at his companion's pants carefully: "You're lying, I remember you were wearing these beige pants today. Elder, it's just a meal, do you care?"

"Arthur, I won't go to that extent. Yes, I wore a pair of beige pants today, but I am very sure that the ones I am wearing are not mine."

"Why?"

"Firstly, because I clearly have two pounds in my pocket today, not two shillings and sixpence! Secondly, and most importantly, these pants are stuck in my crotch when I put them on, and my size is not that damn small!"

Arthur, a young man with intellectual disabilities, seemed unable to handle such a large amount of information. He was silent for a long time before asking: "Where are your pants?"

The frivolous young man Elder whistled: "God knows! I must have left it in the small room of the theater. Just now the police suddenly broke into the theater, and I was so scared that I just grabbed a pair of pants and ran away. Just now I have been I'm glad I wasn't caught, and it wasn't until now that I felt like I was wearing the wrong pants."

Speaking of this, Elder suddenly felt something was wrong. He frowned at first, then pinched his chin with a thoughtful expression. Unfortunately, this kid also seems to be mentally retarded.

Elder raised his head and asked his mentally retarded companion: "Why is there a pair of pants in the room? Arthur, did I tell that bitch to lie?"

"What do you think?"

The young man named Arthur suddenly had the upper hand in terms of intelligence. It was obvious that he was still not used to it.

He politely took off his hat and asked, "Mr. Carter, do you need me to call the police for you?"

After the publication of this article, it received strong attention from the University of London Alumni Association. On the night of publication, the editorial department of "British" received letters from various police stations in the West End of Scotland Yard where theaters were gathered.

Although "British" has repeatedly clarified that this article is the author's fictitious creation, the police departments still insisted in their letters that the editorial department should provide the address of the theater mentioned in the article.

…

This article was published by Mr. Charles Darwin, an outstanding young scholar from Britain selected by the Linnean Society, naturalist and ship's chaplain of the Royal Navy HMS Beagle, a famous alumnus of the University of Cambridge, and the man who single-handedly supported the field of "British" natural history. The Englishman, second half of June 1831.

"Two or Three Interesting Facts about South America"

Although I have slowly come to accept that South America is different from Britain, it still amuses me every time I hear the residents talking about my collection of fossilized shells.

They talk almost as Europeans did a century ago about whether these Baker fossils were "born that way." My geological survey work in this area surprised the Chileans. They would rather believe that I came to find gold or silver than to collect fossils.

This situation is sometimes very disturbing, and I find that the best way to explain my job is to ask them, how can you not be interested in earthquakes and volcanoes? Why are some springs hot and others cold? Why does Chile have mountains, but La Plata, Argentina, doesn’t even have hills?

These straightforward questions quickly convinced and silenced most people, but there were always some people, like those annoying people who were a hundred years behind the times in England, who thought I was exploring These questions are unhelpful and ungodly, and they think it is enough to know that the mountains were created by God.

One night we stayed in a secluded little cottage. I soon discovered that two or three items I had brought with me, especially a pocket compass, amazed the local farmers. Every household asked me to take out the compass and show it to everyone, and use it to point out the directions of various places on the map.

They were obviously indifferent to my work just now, but just being a compass made them admire me. Because they thought it was amazing that a stranger like me could know the way when he came to a strange place.

A young woman who was bedridden also specially invited me to come over and let her take a look at my compass. They thought I was really strange, but I looked at them even more surprised: these people who own thousands of cattle and "big estates" can be so ignorant.

The only thing that can explain this problem is that there should be few outsiders visiting this remote area. They asked me whether the earth or the sun rotated, whether it was hotter or colder in the north, where Spain was, who was next door to the United States, and so on.

When I told them that I was British, most residents could only vaguely assume that England, London, and North America were just different names for the same place. People with some knowledge think that London and North America are neighboring independent countries, and England is the largest city in London!

Of course, they also have their strengths. For example, when they use the technique of lasso or bolas, they can ride their horses at full speed and turn around suddenly, while still swinging the lasso or bolas firmly over their heads, and they can still aim.

One day, when I was amusing myself and practiced swinging the meteor rope around my head while running fast, the rotating ball accidentally hit a bush. Then it immediately stopped spinning and fell to the ground, and suddenly Like a magic trick, it wrapped around my horse's hind legs.

The other ball was immediately pulled out of my hand, and the horse was tied tightly. Fortunately, this was an experienced old horse that knew what was going on and didn't keep kicking and falling down. The Gauchos burst out laughing when they saw my embarrassment, and they shouted that they had seen cow-catchers and horse-catchers, but they had never seen anyone catch themselves.

Even though they are a little lacking in knowledge, they are indeed a group of enthusiastic and honest guys. The Gauchos say one is one and two is two, which is better than England. Because here, you'll never find the farce of London Zoo.

I believe many people in the Linnean Society know that there are two lions in the London Zoo, but only one is fed meat, while the other only has a bag of nuts and two bananas every day. ha? You ask me why? That's because they only have a budget for one lion, so the other one takes up the monkey's spot.

After the publication of this article, there was a strong protest from the London Zoo. This group of gentlemen solemnly stated that Darwin's discussion of the two lions was completely false. After verifying the situation, Mr. Alexandre Dumas, fashion novel editor of "The Englishman", issued an apology statement in the next issue of the magazine, and stated that the London Zoo mentioned in Charles Darwin's article was not the one in Regent's Park, but the one in Regent's Park. It is the institution whose office is located in the Palace of Westminster.