My Little Pony: My Little Pony The Martian

AMICITAS Mission Three – Mission Day 529

ARES 3 solar day 519

Transcript – ARES 4 MAV video transmission, start time 12:14 (based on ARES 3 mission)

Tingting: Hermes, MAV calling, waiting for media activity to begin, over.

Beth Johnson: Good morning, Tingting... Mark. And Fireball. What's going on? How come all three of you are in the shot?

Tingting: Well, how should I put it? Mark and Fireball said that they were very grateful for my help in their previous interviews, and they were so moved that this time, uh, they insisted on coming to help me.

Mark Watney: That’s right.

Fireball: That’s right.

Mark: Don't bother us, we'll just stay aside and won't get in the way. If you think of anything, just interrupt. Okay, you guys just start.

Fireball: Yes. Let's do it.

Tingting: Well, uh, so this is probably all we have now. Over.

Johnson: OK. Question 551: "Since you entered the chrysalis, many people on Earth have been worried about your safety. How are you doing now? Will your health be in jeopardy on Sol ?"

Watney: Uh.

Fireball: Ugh. Okay, now we'll shut up.

Watney: Well, uh, we better move over a little bit. Or a little bit further away. Just in case.

Tingting: Don't run, everyone. It's okay. Sit down first. The fun is yet to come. Just trust me, okay? Okay; when we first came here, I thought I had to keep this kind of thing secret, because I was worried that everyone would hate me after knowing the truth. I don't trust my teammates... who are also my friends... enough. I'm still slowly overcoming this. The fact is that my condition is not good. And unless I go back home, or at least go to a place with a stronger magic field, I will definitely not be able to fully recover. We can get some magic power every day, which is indeed useful, but it is still far from enough.

But what happened before - what I did to Mark - will never happen again. I swear! It should never have happened, and I'm sorry, and I'm also sorry for keeping my problems to myself for so long. Now everyone here knows about my problems, and they're here to help me. Fireball is helping me with the various modifications inside the MAV, so the process will go much faster. Not to mention that I'm eating three good meals a day, and I get snacks every now and then. So even though it may be hard, I can get through this. Because I'm not alone.

Fireball: Yes.

Watney: Exactly. We're always here for you.

Johansen: "Do you feel like you can play an active role in the upcoming launch?"

Tingting: To be honest, no. I really hope to be able to participate in helping to fly the MAV, but... according to estimates, we will generate a peak continuous load of 8G during the ascent. It takes special training and a lot of energy to withstand black vision under such pressure, and I can't guarantee that I can handle it. So I removed myself from the flight list. Unless something goes wrong, I will just sit in the back and be a passenger this time. This is the safest way.

Johnson: This is a long one. "Many people have heard about your long-term maintenance of your space suits, and many of them are a little disgusted by your methods. However, for those of us who are mentally strong enough to resist the urge to disturb our brain cells, it is not a problem (not to mention that many people know where honey comes from and don't even blink an eye); we also want to ask, can you describe the properties of the "slime" you have been using to make patches? Are you limited to organic compounds, or can you safely produce smaller amounts of stronger chemicals?"

Tingting: Hmm. By the way, you guys, do you have anything to say?

Fireball: No. It's better if you come.

Watney: Seriously, the bug has made it very clear before that it's not a good experience for her to produce slime at the volume we need. We don't joke about that.

Tingting: Yes. And I don't really like solid food. You can imagine how it feels to wolf down a bunch of something you find super disgusting, then let your stomach toss for half an hour, and finally vomit it all out. It's not a big problem where we are, but we just don't make so much at once. But this process also consumes magic power, so it feels even more...uncomfortable.

Now, let's talk about the slime itself. We changelings can produce several different materials for different purposes. We can tweak the results quite a bit, but we can't get everything right. The process is far from exact. The stuff we use to make patches on space suits is also used in one of the layers of fabric inside the suits. It's pretty much like rubber, only a little more durable and a little less flexible. Pretty close to the rope we make. We can also produce a variety of liquids with different properties; we can produce acidic or corrosive solutions, for example, but they can only be organic, and we can't make much at a time.

As for the more powerful stuff, sorry, we can't do that. Anything that could burn or explode would happen during, uh, digestion. So vomiting up a rocket tank is out of the question. I'm not in the mood to explode today.

Watney: Exploding Changelings?

Fireball: I can see the picture now. It would be nice if I could stop looking at it.

Watney: Tingting, you sound like Errol from the Discworld book! That's what those Zephyrs are like!

Tingting: No, that's not the case! I won't explode just because someone kicked me or I got angry! Didn't I just say that! Don't worry, it's okay. Why would I blow you all up in an instant? Unless you like it...

Fireball: Ugh. I felt a little sorry for her...

Johansen: Let's move on. "Can you tell me about the weirdest use you've ever thought of for changeling slime? What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten to produce slime?"

Tingting: Ah. Uh, Mark? Do you remember that weird word they mentioned in one of the Justice League stories? You explained at the time that it meant that after many, many years you couldn't go to jail for a crime you committed long ago?

Watney: It's... the word is statute of limitations.

Tingting: Yes, that's it. I feel that for some things that happened in our place, the statute of limitations should not have expired yet. Things from the dark history period. So I probably can't answer the first half of this question... Thinking about it carefully, it seems that I can't answer the second half either.

Watney: It seems better for me not to know about this kind of thing, right?

Fireball: If you must ask this question, the answer is yes.

Johnson: "Can you taste common foods? Can you describe the taste of different emotions in terms that we can understand?"

Dragonfly: Sure, I can taste the flavors of most foods. There are a few things I'd like to try once in a while. But for the most part I don't need that much, and I'm definitely not one for the kind of full-blown meals that ponies and humans eat.

As for what the emotions taste like? There are so many, so I'll just pick a few. Anger is like smoke, it smells bad. We can't eat it. Fear... well, fear goes down the drain. We can't eat it either. Sadness is a bit like cold vomit. Happiness is hot, fluffy, and crisp, like freshly-made popcorn. Family love can be compared to freshly baked rolls or warm apple pie. Romantic love tastes like spicy chocolate. Gratitude has a dry, minty flavor that isn't very filling, like those green things you put on a plate at a restaurant that aren't meant for you to eat.

Johnson: "There has been a lot of talk lately about how you are able to extract emotions from other beings. Some believe you are collecting leftover emotions, others claim you are sucking "love" like a mosquito sucks blood. Which is true?"

Tingting: Both? Neither? If there is enough love in the environment and there are not too many changelings around, we can survive on environmental love alone. But it is much better if the love is directed towards us. And if we are hungry enough, we can also force love out of the victim directly, but this will hurt them a lot. We only do this when we are desperate, because then we can't get love from the victim anymore. But there is so much voluntary love in our place that we don't have to worry about using this method as before. But you have a reasonable concern. A sick or desperate changeling may drain the love of an individual. Just like I did to Mark before. Mark, I want to apologize to you again.

Watney: It's okay, Bugs. Tingting. It's all in the past.

Tingting: So if we have more changelings coming to visit Earth in the future, we must show our best and restrain ourselves. By the way, if there are still delicious people like Mark in your place, we have to keep an eye on our weight, otherwise we will become as fat as a ball. A changeling I know had this kind of thing happen when she tried to eat Cherry Berry's Flying Cherry Love. Later, everyone called her... uh, that big, round, dark fruit, I don't know what it's called. Ponies usually fry it in a pan or put it in, um... forget it, I think I'll leave it alone after thinking about it. Next question?

Watney: Now that you've said that, I'm going to have a hard time sleeping at night just trying to figure out what kind of fruit you're talking about...

Johnson: "You have quite a lot of fans here on Earth. Can you feel their love from such a distance on Mars? If not, will there be any problems when you get closer to Earth?"

Tingting: Well, I appreciate your kindness, and it wouldn't hurt if you could find a way to send me some love from Earth, but no, I can't feel it. As for whether there will be any problems when we get close to Earth - we're already close to Earth? I'd love this kind of question! Please cut me a big piece of this juicy chocolate-like question and put it in my mouth! Anyway, they can cut open the landing capsule and dig me out! They can even take me to the hospital! Believe me, this is much better than my current problem!

Watney: Just a reminder to astronomers, you may have to add a new planet in the future. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Dragonite.

Fireball: She already thinks she's as important as the planet...

Tingting: Because it’s the truth!

Fireball: We were clearly the ones making fun of her this time, so why did she still have the last laugh?

Watney: My dragon, my dragon, this is all comedy and sweet suspense.

Fireball: Suspense? Then who killed comedy?

Tingting: I say, you guys have been whipping corpses for so long, it’s time to stop for a while...

Johnson: "Would you accept unlimited hugs from human children?"

Tingting: Uh, no. That's irresponsible. Kids, not every bug you meet wants to be your friend. Listen to your parents. If they say it's okay, then go for a hug. And if the changeling says she's full, maybe just give her a quick head scratch.

Watney: Did I hear you correctly? You're an emotional vampire, and you're here to teach kids to be wary of strangers?

Tingting: It's really outrageous. When the Queen finds out about this, she will come to give me a lot of trouble...

Johnson: "Do you think adding some pets to your hive could replace some of the hive's emotional import needs?"

Tingting: Uh...we changelings are usually pretty selfish and greedy. And a bit forgetful. These traits aren't good for a pet. Don't ask me how I know.

Watney: So, what do you have, a puppy? A kitten? Or...

Tingting: Don’t ask, really don’t.

Fireball: I think hers should be a snack.

Tingting: Could we please change the subject?

Fireball: Is it...

Watney: Okay, let's move on. Fireball, okay?

Fireball: Humph.

Watney: You've won this round, man. Enough is enough.

Johansen: Next question: "Who do you receive the most love from?"

Fireball: Mark.

Tingting: Indeed, it’s Mark. Absolutely no one can beat him. Boss Ma—er, Cherry Meimei—she’s second, I think it’s because we’ve worked together for such a long time.

Watney: Oh, what a sweet...feeling.

Johnson: "Who do you like to imitate the most?"

Tingting: This is a bit unfair. I don't have enough magic to show off right now. I don't usually have much chance to use my abilities here. The form I use most is you, Miss Johnson, but it makes Mark feel very uncomfortable. If I had the energy, I would try to turn into Janet in pajamas in the threesome, because that would make Mark feel very uncomfortable! Here, you see, it's starting to work!

Watney: Bug, could you please stop doing this?!

Tingting: Sorry Mark, you sent me so much sweet and exciting lust that it was too noisy. I couldn't hear you...

Fireball: Ugh. Go get on the rover and do it.

Watney: I think that's enough questions for today. In fact, there's one more. Sorry to excuse me, I have a date with Cold Tap next.

Tingting: See you later, Hermes, thanks for your help, hope to see you soon! MAV communication completed!