My Little Pony: My Little Pony The Martian

AMICITAS Mission Three – Mission Day 524

ARES 3 solar day 514

Transcript – ARES 4 MAV video transmission, start time 16:11 (based on ARES 3 mission)

Mark Watney: Hi, Johnson. Sorry we got a late start today; Starlight and I are still busy removing the first stage engine. It's a lot of work, mostly because we have to remove one of the outer engines to get to the center one. We were a little nervous as we lifted the upper stage, because if the launch sequence accidentally started while I was still under it, I would be in trouble. Fortunately, that didn't happen, and the big guy finally returned to the landing stage safely. Tomorrow we have to go in again to install the booster target crystal in the center engine's place; another lot of work and a lot of mana, but once these tasks are completed, the hardest part of the transformation is over.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind me eating lunch in between replies. We usually continue to work during lunch time. As you can see, my lunch today is a Russian sour cream goulash with three potatoes. I dip the potatoes in the beef buns before eating them, so that after eating them, I only feel a little bit like murder.

Beth Johnson: Good morning Mark. It is morning shift on Hermes. Fortunately, our flyby and rendezvous scheduled for Sol 551 is also in the morning, so we will not have to adjust our sleep schedule. We will be ready and alert when the time comes.

OK. First question, please. Um. Mark, just to remind you, I didn't write any of this, okay? So this question is, "How do you feel about being the only human on the surface of Mars for so long?"

Watney: Wow. That's a big one right off the bat, huh? Well, let me tell you guys on the Hermes, there hasn't been a day that I haven't missed you all. But at the same time, I have new friends here. They may not be human, but they are intelligent life forms; so I'm not completely alone here. God, I'd probably go crazy if that happened. I'd probably draw a face on the front of Rover 2 and call it Wilson.

So, what's the next question?

Johnson: "We read your journal. You seem to tell a lot of jokes. Where do you come up with those?"

Watney: Let me tell you a little secret. I've met another group of aliens. The tall, skinny gray ones with heads like those Easter Island statues. About once a month they come and tell me some lame joke, and I let them pet my pony for an hour in return.

Obviously I just made this up, but honestly, this is the kind of thing that pops up in my head from time to time when I'm mad or stressed out. Sometimes this place really irritates me.

Tingting: Yes, he really is like that!

Watney: Hey! Wait until it's your turn to speak! Don't you still have a few seconds of hug today?

Tingting: It’s not an exaggeration at all. If he could blow Mars to pieces, he would definitely do it.

Watney: Come on, get out of my way! That's what it is. It makes me feel better by making a bad joke like this, and gives me the illusion that I'm in control of this fucked-up situation.

Oops. I promised NASA I would find a way to be more careful with my words. Now I'm done for.

Johnson: Next question. Mark, I assure you, I didn't write this. "Why does your mouth stink?"

Watney: This is obviously Venkat Kapoor's question. Since you asked me that, I'm going to tell you seriously. When I wrote those early logs, I really thought I was going to die here. NASA always thinks that astronauts should be perfect, glamorous, and have the highest moral standards. They shouldn't even say a single word of profanity. However, the fact is that astronauts are actually the same as everyone else in this regard. They swear more or less. For example, Martinez is a devout Catholic boy, but he still swears as much as I do. I have also seen Lewis accidentally let his mouth go once or twice. But you and Vogel have never sworn.

But to be honest, the experience of waiting for death in the past few months probably made me look down upon NASA's rules on polite language. Swearing makes me feel better, so I use it. If some people with fragile hearts get upset just because I used a swear word, then, fuck them. They will only be qualified to speak after being trapped on an alien planet for ten days or half a month.

That being said, I'm still trying to be nice. NASA has done a lot to get me home, I should at least be more aware and not cause them any more trouble. But old habits die hard, especially when I think about how I'm millions of miles away from other people who care about me. But you see, I could have said "someone who cares about this shit" in this sentence, but I held back! I'm definitely better than before! Next question.

Johnson: Uh, okay. Next question... "What do you think of potatoes?"

Watney: I have a problem with them? What can I? Potatoes are easy to grow, adapt to a variety of environments, provide a lot of calories, and if you don't peel them, you can provide a considerable amount of nutrition and protein intake. They are certainly not nature's perfect food, but especially in these difficult conditions where we are struggling to survive, they are still great all things considered.

Before this trip, I loved potatoes. Baked potatoes, French fries, hash browns, mashed potatoes—I even tried kosher hash browns a few times, and they were pretty good. But if you eat the same thing over and over again, day in and day out, year after year, you'll get tired of anything. You can probably tell from my facial expression as I eat now that I'm done with microwave baked potatoes. Maybe I'll change my mind after a while. Seventy or eighty years, that's fine. Next?

Johnson: Next: "What is it like to be the only representative of all of humanity to come into contact with the first extraterrestrial visitors?"

Watney: If you want to be honest, it's a mess. I mean, for a first contact like this, you would expect it to be a carefully planned exploration between the best of both worlds, one small step at a time into the future. Instead, what we experienced was a series of extremely unlikely bizarre events that ended up with five aliens and one human trapped on Mars. Trust me, no sane person would want to pick me as the representative of all humanity to face off against a group of aliens who crashed their spaceship, let alone ask me.

I was really nervous early on. Think about it, this is the greatest opportunity ever for an individual, and if I say something wrong, it will be recorded in history books as "Mark Watney, the greatest disaster ever to happen to mankind." But I calmed down after realizing that Xiao Ma and the others were just as unprepared as I was. We just need to focus on surviving, working together and not getting killed, and we can leave diplomacy to our superiors. Next?

Johansen: "What is it like to meet, be with, and work with these individuals that humans have previously relegated to mythical creatures?"

Watney: It's probably like this: "Oh my god, these silly little ponies are so adorable. They almost killed us all just now. This is pretty interesting. Oh my god, you guys are all dying, right? This is so sweet. I'm so excited. Did you see that? It's amazing!" Yes, there's nothing wrong with saying this.

To be honest, as an interdimensional alien species, their cultural customs are surprisingly similar to ours, but they are completely different from us in other aspects. As for the fact that their images are related to some of our own myths and legends to some extent, in comparison, it is already, sorry to use this analogy, small potatoes meeting big potatoes (small witches meeting big witches).

Johnson: "Did you experience any effects from being exposed to the so-called 'magic field' produced by the aliens?"

Watney: I can joke about this, but I really don't know. The ponies say that with all the life on Earth, there should be some magic field of its own, but unless we can test it, we won't know for sure. But I do know one thing for sure; NASA's doctors and scientists will be checking my body for any noticeable changes over the next few years. If I change, they'll notice it.

Johnson: "Does magic still have that kind of magic in your eyes?"

Watney: Hmm... That's a good question. I've had magic in my life since Sol 17, and I've gotten used to the idea that magic is just a common tool that makes life easier - or, in this case, just makes life possible - and that needs to be viewed rationally.

But there are still times—and they’re not always the big, crucial moments—when I sit up and think, Oh my god, this is a unicorn who can pick up a wrench just by thinking, and that’s the kind of sudden shock that comes with that. So, magic is still very magical to me.

But what else is so magical? Planting is no different. Think about it. We know how plants grow and what conditions promote their growth, but we can't actually make them grow. It's their own behavior. Just like we can work hard to cultivate the land and still end up with nothing, or we can just swing the plow at the land and see the crops grow on their own.

And even though I'm tired of being in space, it has its own special magic. It's an endlessly vast, empty, lonely world, dotted with only a few planets. Every planet we find in this universe is unique. Looking out at the sea of ​​stars is breathtaking.

So my idea is, you create the magic yourself. Everything is a miracle.

Johnson: Um... again, I didn't write that. "Since learning a new language is traditionally taught by first learning curse words, how about we talk about curse words in Pony language?"

Watney: Well, I almost always end up accidentally swearing when I try to speak Pony English. And not just any swear words. People who don't know me might think I have an extensive vocabulary of Pony English swear words, but I don't. From what I've seen, ponies use "shucks" or "darn" at best, and maybe "roadapples" in extreme cases, but nothing more sweary than that. They actually use a lot of puns that can have a pure or dirty meaning depending on the context. For example, their F-word is (jiligulu), which translates to "tread on a horse", which refers to a kick that requires the whole body to kick, and ends with the hind legs flying out. Of course, this word also has a meaning that everyone understands.

Johnson: "Mark, if Hermes has to take a long way back, will your role-playing game continue? In addition, do you plan to let other members of Hermes join the battle? Who among the eleven of you can win the title of the most evil smile of the city lord?"

Watney: Uh… Is this a reporter's question? Really? Okay. If the Sparkle Engine thing doesn't work out, we may or may not continue playing the game. Johnson is the only active player in the Ares team. Commander Lewis also played dice when she was a junior officer. I played the game throughout high school and for a while in college, but I didn't have time to do it when we were training together. Aside from us, Martinez, Beck, and Vogel really don't have any interest in this area, as far as I know.

But if I were to choose the most evil laugh of the city lord, I would probably choose Vogel, because he is a German. But the problem is, I have never heard him laugh before. Alexander Vogel's laugh is as mysterious as death... If you hear it, you will be doomed...

Johnson: Mark, that's not right. Vogel laughs a lot. He usually just chuckles. Next question: "What was something that was unexpectedly useful during your mission?"

Watney: Humph, what a bummer! You're not going to help me write a story about Ares 3's mad scientist and super villain Vogel? Never mind. I could list a long list of things that were surprisingly useful, like duct tape, sample containers, spare cables... but the most unexpected good stuff was the whiteboards and erasable markers. We've worn out the whiteboards from so much use. Whether it's teaching grammar or planning specific things to build, they've been used for more than anything NASA could have expected when they were included as standard equipment for the Ares mission.

Johnson: Um... I'm not even sure if this is the right question... "Who is the best alien?"

Watney: Whoever wrote this question needs to reflect on it! I don't favor one over another among my alien brothers! I like them all equally!

Tingting: It’s definitely me.

Watney: Could you please get out of here???

Johnson: Last question… "We recently heard that several of your team members…" er… "… have established relationships. Do you have a particular person you like romantically?"

Watney: Sorry guys, I was too busy to date for over a year before launch. For those of you with yellow crap in your heads, I can tell you right here that I have absolutely no connection to aliens.

Tingting: That’s true, what the hell.

Watney: Ahem... Anyway, when I return to Earth, I will be busy for a while just adapting to getting along with other humans from scratch, and I definitely won't have time for romance. So sorry ladies, I won't accept any pursuit for the time being.

Johnson: OK, that's all. Thanks, Mark, I'll send the video right off. Hermes communication ended.

Watney: Thanks, Beth. Friendship communication ends.