Life is more than just living

Chen Xu leaned on Liu Jingsheng's oversized sofa, looked at the ceiling, and told stories that had been forgotten for a long time——

When I was a child, I seemed to have a happy family. At that time, my parents worked in a textile factory. The wages were not high, but they were paid during the day. They would take me to the park to play when they were off work. I was always taken by my grandma. At that time, whenever my neighbor's house held a happy event, my grandma would dress me up beautifully and take me to a banquet. Everyone would praise me for my good looks. Grandma thought it was not enough, and she would also Tell people how sensible and obedient I am. At that time, I had two good friends, one was Liu Jiaxin who lived not far from my home, and the other was my aunt’s son, my cousin Wang Yu. Both of them were two years older than me. At that time, they were very accommodating to me and listened to the adults' instructions to take care of my little sister. I was a carefree little girl at that time.

Unfortunately, happy days are always short-lived. When I was five years old, the textile factory suddenly went bankrupt and was reorganized, and both my parents were laid off. Although the original income was not high, people who are used to following the routine are still extremely uncomfortable. Because the family did not have much savings, life soon became difficult. There were unemployed people everywhere. My father couldn't find a job, so he drank at home every day to drown his sorrows. The poor and humble couple had nothing to do but fight and fight, and soon they got divorced.

Grandma didn’t want my parents to divorce. She taught me to hug my mother’s lap and cry and not let go. She said she wouldn’t leave if she said she couldn’t bear her. But I'm useless. My parents haven't given me a good look for a long time, so I don't dare to step forward. When the two divorced, neither one wanted children, and both said they couldn't afford them. But in the end, the judge considered that my father had a house at home and my grandmother could help take care of the child, so I was sentenced to my father and my mother was asked to pay 40 yuan a month in support.

As soon as I walked out of the court, my grandma slapped me hard, but my mother gritted her heart and left in tears. My face was swollen for several days before it went away, and my grandma kept calling me a loser. Later, when there was really no money, my father also went out to work, but he never came home since he left. Grandma only gets a few dozen yuan in survivor benefits every month, and her life is very difficult. So she took me to the restaurant where my mother worked to ask for child support. The hotel owner’s wife scolded my mother, “How can I still run my business if these young and old people come here to make trouble? If they come again in the future, please stop working here!” My mother looked at me and said fiercely, “ You pest, if you make me lose my job, I'll beat you to death! I left home without getting anything, why should I pay alimony? I shouldn't have given birth to you in the first place. Get out!" He said, He pushed me hard and I fell hard to the ground. Mom turned and left.

Grandma had no choice but to hear that my dad worked as a security guard at a KTV, so she took me to him to ask for money. The first two times I went there, my dad said he hadn't been paid. When I went there for the third time, my dad got annoyed and said, "What money do I need? You live in our house, and I don't even care about your rent! You are not my biological mother, why do you depend on our old mother?" Don't you want to leave? If you dare to ask for money again, get out of our house!" Grandma was very sad. She began to hate me. She wouldn't give me food when she was unhappy, and would beat and scold me at every turn. Later, when grandma couldn't live anymore, she went out to pick up rags. I was afraid of being left behind, so I went with her. One time, my grandma and another old lady scavenging were fighting for a cardboard box. Seeing that grandma was losing, I ignored the old lady’s dirty hands and went up to bite her hand. The old lady let go of her hand in pain, but I was also kicked hard. One kick. From that day on, grandma was a little nicer to me. She took me to various garbage pits every day to look for things that could be sold for money. One day I had a fever and couldn't pick up rags, so my grandma didn't cook for me, let alone take medicine.

Later, one time my aunt encouraged my grandma to send me to my mother, and my grandma left me outside the restaurant where my mother worked. But my mother no longer worked there at that time. I couldn't find my mother, and I couldn't find my home. , when I was five years old, I walked from day to night in the county town. Later, my neighbor’s brother Zhang Yong met me and took me back. In the next five years, in order not to be abandoned and to have food to eat, I worked hard to find things in the garbage, no matter how dirty or smelly.

Originally, Liu Jiaxin and Wang Yu both liked to play with me, but gradually Liu Jiaxin led a group of children to bully me. They would throw stones at me when they saw me in the garbage heap when going to and from school. As for brother Wang Yu, he used to share delicious food with me. Later, when my aunt brought him back, he would deliberately eat delicious food in front of me just to tantalize me. If I couldn't help but swallow my saliva, he would I laughed out loud and told my aunt that I was the greediest person, and my aunt also scolded me for being worthless.

When I was ten years old, I met my savior, Teacher Lin from the primary school near us. She pulled me out of the garbage pit and took me to the primary school to register. In order to get my grandma to allow me to go to school and give me food to eat, I kept picking up books and papers thrown away by my classmates during the entire elementary school. I went to the school leader's office to clean the house in exchange for old newspapers and magazines, and returned to my grandma. When I was in elementary school, the school often reserved a place for reading. When I go to the movies, my classmates will bring snacks and drinks, but I don’t because I secretly save the money for movie tickets by selling newspapers. I have to go to the movies because every time I watch a movie, students need to write their thoughts after watching it. .

Every day at noon, Teacher Lin took me to her house and taught me how to wash clothes and cook. In this way, I can cook home-cooked meals, which can help my grandma reduce the burden and ensure that I have food to eat. At the same time, Teacher Lin told me to pay attention to personal hygiene and take me to take a bath every week.

When I was 15 years old, a group of gangsters surrounded me on my way home and started to touch me. My neighbor's brother Zhang Yong stepped forward and beat away the bullies. I am very grateful to him. But the good times didn't last long, and soon he replaced those little gangsters in bullying me and regarded me as his woman. I hated him and was afraid of him. When I was desperate, I found my classmate's brother for help. Because my classmate was falsely accused of stealing before, and I helped her, so her brother happily agreed to help. I originally went to the Public Security Bureau to report the crime, but when I got home, I regretted it.

Wang Yu wanted to bully me when no one was around. I resisted desperately and scratched his face. He became so angry that he stole all of my grandma's savings and claimed that it was mine. I think grandma knew it was Wang Yu who took it, but my aunt would occasionally buy something to visit grandma, so grandma didn't dare to offend her aunt, so she scolded me along with Wang Yu. I was framed as a thief. She was so sad that she ran out in anger. There's nowhere to go. Because Teacher Lin’s son had a girlfriend at that time, and his girlfriend hated me, so I couldn’t go to Teacher Lin’s house. I ran to the mountains and hid alone. There were cemeteries around there. At night I am very scared, I am afraid of ghosts, but I am more afraid of people. In the evening, Zhang Yong and Lin Zhiyuan, the son of Teacher Lin, found me. They had been looking for me for a day. I was very moved and told them about Wang Yu. When they heard what happened to me, they were filled with indignation. Zhang Yong found Wang Yu and beat him up. Later, it was said that Wang Yu could no longer be humane. I didn't realize the seriousness of the problem at the time. I was very grateful to Zhang Yong, but regretted going to the Public Security Bureau to report him for raping me. I went to the police station the next day to withdraw the case. At that time, the police thought I was being threatened and repeatedly asked me whether I was being coerced into withdrawing the case. I was so anxious that I cried. Later, I said that I was a couple and Zhang Yong was in conflict. The police criticized me and dropped the case.

My aunt hated Zhang Yong and me. She always felt that I was the one who instigated Zhang Yong to beat up Wang Yu. But she didn't dare to mess with Zhang Yong, a desperado whose job was to protect private mine owners. The aunt didn't even dare to report the case directly for fear of Zhang Yong's revenge. But they vented all their hatred on me. Wang Yu said that I seduced him, and my aunt followed his words. In fact, grandma and aunt both have a clear mind, but they just stare and tell lies.

Soon, Teacher Lin's son Lin Zhiyuan was arrested because he was impulsive and hurt someone. Zhang Yong and he were classmates in elementary school and junior high school. In order to get Lin Zhiyuan out, Zhang Yong made money everywhere. Someone lent him money. Zhang Yong If you go and ask for it, the person will pay for it with the stolen communication cable. My grandma saw Zhang Yong when he went to the scrap collection station to sell cables. She told my aunt that this could lead to a severe prison sentence. The two of them went to report the crime to avenge Wang Yu. As a result, Zhang Yong was caught and sentenced to a severe sentence. for 13 years. I was about to graduate from elementary school at that time. Teacher Lin heard that what happened to Zhang Yong was because of Lin Zhiyuan. He couldn't withstand the blow and unfortunately died suddenly.

I lost the only person who cared about me. Before her death, Teacher Lin helped me contact a junior high school where I could stay, free of tuition and miscellaneous fees. When she prepared bedding for her son’s wedding, she even made me a new bedding for school, and thoughtfully gave it to me. Bought several sets of underwear. Unfortunately, Teacher Lin passed away before I graduated. Grandma ignored me and my aunt hated me. One time I asked grandma why she wanted to report Zhang Yong. It was obvious that Zhang Yong helped us a lot and often helped grandma with manual labor. But my grandma laughed at me and said, "You bitch, you didn't benefit from sleeping with someone, and you still talk to him, are you stupid?" Only then did I know that Zhang Yong bullied me, and my grandma knew it, but She kept pretending to be deaf and mute and refused to make the decision for me. I hated my grandma so much that I didn't want to go back to my grandma's house.

I found my mother after much searching. At this time, I had not seen her for 11 years. She was doing well. She opened a small restaurant with her husband and gave birth to a daughter who was already ten years old at the time. I went to live with my mother, saying that I only needed to live there until school started. Although she was not enthusiastic, she reluctantly let me stay. That girl was my sister, and she was much happier than me. She could learn dance, learn English, and had nice clothes and stationery.

After living there for a summer vacation, I still went out to pick up scraps every day. Because there was no place to store them, I sold them on the same day. When I got home, I quickly took a shower, and then helped clean, wash and cook, so as not to eat for nothing. When school was about to start, I was taking a shower in the bathroom and found that man peeking. I was very nervous at the time. In fact, I had noticed before that he looked at me wrong. I told my mother about it that time, but she didn't expect to be scolded by her. , she said, "If you can live there, live there. If you can't live there, go back. Don't be so troublesome." I swallowed my anger and was always wary of that man until school started. When I was in junior high school, no one sent me there, so I stumbled to report to school carrying the luggage and two sets of clothes that Teacher Lin had prepared for me. I only had more than 100 yuan in my pocket from selling scraps, and I didn’t even want to take a taxi. Because I want to change my destiny by reading, I don’t dare to spend a penny randomly, and I hope to use the money wisely. I go to the canteen every day to help prepare meals so that I can eat without spending money.

During the winter vacation of the first grade of junior high school, my head teacher asked me to help in the tutoring class she ran, and I would have room and board there. I give lectures to some students who are not good at studying, and I also cook for everyone. At night, when everyone else left, I slept on my back on the cram school table with my clothes on. I didn't dare to turn on the light or make any noise, in case someone would bully me. The teacher didn't give me a penny, and didn't care what I did at night. As the Spring Festival was approaching, the tutoring class locked its doors during the holiday, and I had nowhere to go. In fact, I secretly hoped that the teacher would allow me to stay in the cram school until school started, but that didn’t work. The teacher only said, “You should go back to celebrate the New Year too, the door is locked.” I had no choice but to go home and found that my grandma had put me before The place where I live is full of junk, and I have nowhere to go. When she saw me coming back, grandma seemed not to have seen me.

I walked aimlessly on the street alone, feeling cold and hungry. The street lights were all out late at night, and only the Beicheng County People's Hospital was brightly lit. I walked in to warm myself up, and by chance I started working as a caregiver. Since then, when I was homeless, I started working as a caregiver in the hospital at night during winter and summer vacations to support myself. During the winter and summer vacations of the three years of junior high school, I was squeezed by my teacher to help her run cram schools during the day. She never paid me a penny, but what I gained was that I learned all the subjects in junior high school by explaining them to others repeatedly, because The teachers would explain to me the areas I didn't master well in order to reduce their burden. Lost in the East, gained in the mulberry tree. When I took the high school entrance examination, I was No. 1 in the county. As the top student in the high school entrance examination, I gave up two better key high schools and chose the ordinary third high school. Therefore, I was able to negotiate with the principal of the third high school and asked him to waive all tuition and miscellaneous fees for me and provide me with an additional 5 yuan. money for bursaries.

I was still homeless in high school. I lived in the hospital every holiday and earned money by working as a caregiver. I solved the problem of food during the holidays and could also save some money to buy some daily necessities.

After the college entrance examination, the school became more famous because of me, so it became easier to recruit students. I also went on TV as a prop man. The school was pretty good too. After I was admitted to the university, they rewarded me with a new mobile phone, saved several thousand yuan in phone bills, and bought me a new schoolbag. But I didn’t expect that my dad would show up and organize a banquet in my name. I thought it was ironic, so I directly asked him how much tuition he was going to pay for me. I didn’t expect that he was just using me as a cover to receive gifts and had no intention of giving me a cent. money.

In the first year after I entered college, I still went to the hospital to work as a nurse every weekend, winter and summer vacation. I also met Grandma Wu in the hospital, and it was at that time that Han Yidao had thoughts about me. Later, I gave up working as a caregiver because of Han Yidao's objection. Under Meng Xiangyu's introduction, I worked in her friend's book bar. The female boss's boyfriend harassed me, and then I went to a clothing store to sell clothes.

Teacher Lin is the person who has the greatest influence on me. She said that I should live well. She said that life is more than just living. But recently I have been reflecting on the fact that I am also a person who seeks comfort, just like my parents did back then, who only wanted stability. Once their parents' jobs are destroyed, they are at a loss. I think the idea of ​​taking the public examination illustrates this point. My classmates don't understand it, but I regard it as the goal of life. I feel that that way I will have no worries about food and clothing, and that kind of life will be very good. How can I be worthy of Han Yidao? Now that he is managing a large company, he is thinking about how to make the company develop better, while I am thinking about how to have a stable job so as to achieve the goal of having no worries about food and clothing. This pattern and this level are not on the same level at all. I am very confused now. Han Yidao went to lead his employees to have a carnival on New Year's Eve, but I remembered the years when I picked up garbage with my grandma on New Year's Eve many years ago. My life is better than before, and I have learned a lot of knowledge through going to college, but I still can't open up my career path. Liu Jingsheng, I am very troubled. How can a person like me be worthy of Han Yidao? Why do I think we two can be together!

Liu Jingsheng had been silently listening to Chen Xu talk about the past. He looked at Chen Xu calmly, "It's not that your life has gotten better, it's that your person has gotten better."