How to Raise Your Regressor

"Pfft! Ahahahaha, I can't do this anymore!" Voloha burst out laughing.

Bruh.

⟦⟦The prankster was pranked. What a progressive society we live in.⟧⟧

…

Jesus Christ, what's with everyone trying to prank me? Can't they see that I too have feelings which they ruthlessly sacrifice for a cheap laugh or two?

These guys are fucking assholes.

⟦⟦Says the guy who pranked his own Guild Member by pretending to be dead.⟧⟧

Hmm?

[There seems to be some static in our communication channel.]

⟦⟦Mmhmm, yup, there's static in a communication channel which was formed in the Information Dimension using two Eternal souls as its end points.⟧⟧

[Come again?]

Did I hear that right?

⟦⟦Are you saying something? I can't hear you over all this static.⟧⟧

[I want you to know that when you'll die, I'm going to crack open your skull and study your brain to ensure no one else turns out like you.]

⟦⟦I shall be looking forward to it.⟧⟧ He smiled.

[Where's the static now, hmm?]

Fucking faggot.

"Whew." I sighed and picked up my cup of tea.

As it turns out, these wankers were just joking, which means no wars will be fought over my custody.

It's sad that we won't be starting a war against the Royal Family because that would have been quite amusing, but I'm also relieved that Voloha is not as obsessed with me as she was pretending to be, because as already established, people who care for you are a huge pain in the ass.

Which, in the end, leaves my heart stifled.

I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that a war was about to start over who'd get to 'care' for me, even if as a joke.

Anyway, this was a huge waste of time (more than the time I beat up a closet masochist for stealing my water bottle), so let's move on to more productive things, like satiating my hunger.

Like seriously, I'm a patient who just came out of a motherfucking heart transplant, yet these guys have the audacity to pull a fucking prank on me.

So what if they didn't know that I had secretly switched my heart for the Dragon-Vampire hybrid one just because I wanted to prank others even more conveniently I mean helping my wanking comrades like every other normal person would.

⟦⟦Wanking comrades… I just imagined them taking off their pants in the middle of a fight and proceeding to touch themselves inappropriately.⟧⟧

[Thanks for putting that image in my head.]

I swear to god if any of them ever pulled off such shit I'd just shoot myself in the head to save myself the embarrassment.

⟦⟦It sure is an absolute power move though. Imagine you're fighting someone till death and at the climax of the battle, they just undress and start fapping furiously while looking straight into your eyes.⟧⟧

[Asserting dominance 101, eh?]

Anyway.

"So I assume we aren't fighting any wars." I asked after finishing my cup of tea.

Voloha was still giggling to herself, by the way.

"Just look at your face, hahahah! Noelle, you were absolutely right!"

As expected, Noelle was the one pulling the strings.

I guess she wanted to show the Princess my 'Contemplating life decisions facial expression' whicb I make whenever someone does something dumb.

I really need to buy myself a mask.

"Haaah, that was fun." After some time Voloha finally calmed down. "I'm truly sorry for tricking you like that, Samur." She slightly bowed her head. "I did not want our first meeting after so long to be like this, but the temptation was just too strong."

"Understandable."

Just wait till I pull an epic prank on, Voloha.

It'll probably mentally scar you for life, but as they say, all is fair in love and war.

I mean, it would be more like an immature revenge than a war, but potato-tomato.

"However, my words were the truth."

"Which ones?"

I mean, she said a lot of words during our conversation, didn't she?

"The part about wanting to take you to the castle with me. I still believe you'll be the safest by my side."

"Oh."

Hmm, this could be a bit troublesome. Should I just end her life right here and now?

⟦⟦How excessively violent!⟧⟧ He exclaimed. ⟦⟦Are you really going to kill her just because she cares for you?⟧⟧

[Absolutely.]

A small price to pay for some peace of mind.

"Haha, don't worry." Voloha waved her hand with a smile. "I'm not going to force you. If I did, what difference would there be between me and your family?"

"I see."

Finally, someone with common sense.

Maybe I should drop these fuckfaces and go with the Princess.

"I usually wouldn't trust Players with something so precious to me, but Azell and Noelle are different."

"Is that so?"

"They have my faith." She turned to Azell. "You won't fail me, will you?"

"Absolutely not, Your Majesty." Azell replied with a slight bow of his head.

Hmm, I wonder how they earned her trust.

Did they save her from a peril, or did they perhaps help her achieve one of her life's goals?

Or did they nefariously manipulate events behind the scene to appear like Saints in the eyes of the Princess?

I personally prefer the second, by the way.

Also.

"What are Players?"

I have heard this term two times already; first was with the hunters and now from Voloha. And both times, it was used to specifically refer to Azell and Noelle.

So I guess it would be safe to assume that 'Players' is another category in itself.

⟦⟦You seriously don't know what Players are?⟧⟧

[And how do you expect me to know that? I'm not some omniscient, all-seeing being who can get the answer to everything with a simple snap of his finger.]

⟦⟦You are literally the Origin of reality as we know it.⟧⟧ He scoffed.

[Okay, maybe I am an omniscient, all-seeing being who can get the answer to everything with a simple snap of his finger, but I don't like using those abilities.]

⟦⟦Ah, right.⟧⟧ He nodded. ⟦⟦Because knowing the answer to everything means you can no longer look forward to discovering new things, which in turn takes away the meagre amount of excitement present in your life.⟧⟧

Wow, that was more realistic than I was expecting it to be.

[Exactly.]

As my motto goes; keep things spicy.

"Eh? You don't know what Players are?" Voloha's jaw dropped open.

"To my chagrin, I do not." I shrugged.

"And you still signed up to be a member of the New Dawn Guild? Without knowing who they are or what they do?"

Okay, that personal attack was totally uncalled for.

She's basically saying my actions were not the most tactical ones.

And she's right, unfortunately.

Samur Eckart, Professional Transmigrator at your service.

"In case you don't remember, I was imprisoned in a tower with no access to outside information until I was thrown away to die."

"Right." Voloha winced as her eyes drooped.

"Huh, we never considered that." Noelle mumbled under her breath.

By the way, I was able to hear her mumble because my senses had been heightened by the spectacular mana flow provided by my new heart.

"…I guess we should start from the basics." Azell finally decided to stop his mute impression and jumped into the conversation.

"Go ahead." I leaned back on the sofa.

This is probably going to be a long conversation.

...

Oh god, this is going to be a long conversation. Fuck.

In hindsight, I really should have eaten something before coming here.

"First of all, we are from another world."

Noice.