How to Raise Your Regressor

"That's a rule every member has to follow," Jennifer declared.

Having breakfast on time is an actual rule?

That honestly sounds like the stuff of nightmares.

"Hmmm. Well, it was nice working with you and the bloody- I mean the Old Blood Guild, but due to a series of unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances, I'll have to return to my New Dawn Guild. Until next time."

Fuck it. Time to bail out of here.

"And what exactly are those unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances, hmmm?" The dodgy Guild Leader squinted.

"The kidnapped child needs therapy."

Time to call Lecia dumb again.

"Oh, right, how is she?"

'She'? Hmm.

"She is doing well for someone who just went through such a traumatic event, but she still needs care."

How exactly should I diss her this time though? I might have to pull 1000 IQ moves to bait her into arguing with me.

"I doubt you are the best person to provide that care."

Wow, hurtful, Jennifer.

It's a given from the New Dawn Guild, but to think that even outsiders are trying to rend my heart. What a time to be alive.

"Perhaps, but you need to work with what life throws at you. So, farewell."

"Look," Jennifer leaned in, "if you are leaving just because you fear that we'll force you to have breakfast, then don't worry, we won't. I was just joking. We have no intention of micromanaging our members."

"Oh, really?"

Well, that's awfully nice of her.

"Yup, so you can stay."

"Well, if you say so," I couldn't help but heave a sigh of relief.

Breakfast is the bane of my existence because to have one, I must rise and shine right as the sun shows itself.

And I almost certainly never do that.

Of course, New Dawn Guild being the assholes they were, tried forcing me to eat my fucking bread and butter at 6 in the morning, but once they realised that I changed my sleep cycle and turned my breakfast into my dinner (aka I slept after having my breakfast), they stopped.

"Ha! I knew you were lying about taking care of Lecia!" Jennifer exclaimed.

Shit. I fell victim to one of the classic blunders.

This woman's good.

"Ha! I knew you were lying about not forcing me to have breakfast!"

But not as good as me.

"…"

"…"

"Look, if you are going to play stupid games like these, I'm going back. Unlike you guys, I have a lot of things to do," Ms. Receptionist retorted and turned to Jennifer. "You can escort him yourself."

Wow. Maybe this woman is the actual Guild Leader.

"Ah, no, we are done… playing around," I stopped her before she left me with this breakfast monster. "Hopefully. Anyway, let's go."

"Follow me, then," she said as she left the room.

"I'll personally wake you up tomorrow!" Jennifer declared.

The fuck?

What's with this woman's obsession with breakfasts? What an odd thing to be fixated on.

But then again, she's a wanker.

"Be prepared for the traps, then," I made my own declaration and closed the door behind me.

"What type of traps?" The receptionist asked as we made our way towards my new room.

Now that I think about it, she hasn't even told me her name.

And you know what? Let's keep it that way. It sounds more fun.

"Tsar Bomba."

Get fucked, losers.

"You plan to wipe out this entire city or what?" She glanced back at me with a 'What the fuck is this guy thinking' expression.

This woman knows her stuff. Nice.

"A small price to pay for peaceful sleep."

"Even you will die- ah, right, you are suicidal."

What the fuck?

Now don't tell me that every motherfucker here knows that I plan to yeet myself off a cliff.

Jesus fucking christ, Azell has truly committed himself to being a hindrance to my plans, hasn't he?

Smart decision making on his part though. Respect.

I might have to do something about this big mama soon.

Hmm, how about I give him some other suicidal bitch to focus on?

And when he lets his guard down around me, bam! Suicide.

Ez.

"Yup," I nodded. "So you better stop your Guild Leader before her actions wipe out every living being in the radius of 50 kilometres."

I mean, even if it's my Tsar Bomba that will raze everyone to the ground, it will technically be Jennifer's fault as she's the one who'll activate it.

"Unfortunately," she again glanced back at me with a bemused smile. "The Tsar Bomba is your best bet of stopping her. Once our Guild Leader sets her mind on something, no one can stop her."

"Yikes. I hope you have prepared your will, then."

"Don't worry, I have," Ms. Cranky Receptionist giggled. "Now then, this is the room you'll be staying in," she said as she stopped in front of, you know, a room.

We were on the third floor of the Guild House, and my room was just left of the staircase.

"Which side does the window face, by the way?"

"Uh, the side from where the sun rises up."

Fuck.

"Can I get a replacement?"

"No."

"How about now?" I took out the pouch of gold coins I looted from Tristan.

"…How much do you have in there?" She squinted.

"500 Gold coins."

I think. I haven't counted.

"Still not possible, I'm afraid; all other rooms are occupied."

"Goddamnit."

Whatever, I'll just get some thickass curtains.

Modern problems require modern solutions, after all.

"You really do not like waking up early, do you?"

"Nope."

Imagine liking waking up right as the sun rises. Couldn't be me.

"But why?"

"Do I need to have an answer to your 'why'? I just don't like it."

As simple as that.

"Yeah, but there usually is a reason behind liking or disliking something. It may not be obvious or clear, but it is there. So what is yours?"

Damn this woman's spitting facts.

"Hmm… well, if I had to say, I think I like the serenity of the night and the sense of freedom of the dreams."

Obviously, sense of freedom=eternal death. I unfortunately cannot achieve it in reality, so I give my heart some solace by dreaming about it.

And by serenity, I mean not having to deal with dumb assholes, and not some inner peace or some similar bullshit.

I mean, keeping things spicy is one of the basic principles of my life; pursuing serenity goes against that basic 'need' of mine.

However, right now, not having to deal with the wankers of the New Dawn Guild is higher on the priority list than keeping things interesting.

Which just goes on to show just how troublesome these bitches are.

Like, seriously, despite how suicidal I am, I always try to avoid taking the easy way out by actually killing myself by shooting myself in the head because that's just plain boring, but every moment I spend with the members of the New Dawn Guild makes my trigger finger gets itchy.

Let's just hope my Aggressor plan pays out.

If it doesn't, then I'll proceed with the corrupted hero plan and make them kill me with their own hands.

…God, this sounds so much worse when I actually say it out loud.

But hey, that's a small price to pay for some peace of mind.

"You sound like an old man," Ms. Receptionist chuckled.

Well, I'm technically the oldest man in this Universe.

Hmm, or am I? I mean, what if some idiot out there got himself stuck in some sort of sealed dimension where time runs a hella lot of times faster than normal time?

I wouldn't be surprised if there was. One must never underestimate the stupidity of sentient beings, after all.

Well, whatever. Who cares?

"Maturity is the mark of a true man."

"But you are a depressed man."

Alright, jesus, calm the fuck down, Ms. Cranky Receptionist.

Goddamnit.

I swear to fucking God if I every person I meet starts calling me a depressed, suicidal boi, I'll develop a virus that saps out the happiness out of a living being and personally infect everyone with it.

"Right. Anyway, I'm sleepy, so please leave me alone."

Get the fuck out of here.

"Alright," she scoffed. "But just so you know, there are no ropes in this room."

Bruh.

To think that they actually believe I'll try to use such an old-fashioned method like hanging myself. Backflipping is all the craze nowadays, baby.

These guys disappoint me.

But then again, what else would one expect from these out of touch troglodytes?

"I shall keep that in mind."

"And a heads up; we'll be checking up on you occasionally to make sure that you don't try to cross over to the other side."

Hmm, jokes aside, are these guys dumb or what? Like, seriously, while there are several ways of dealing with people who are not fond of living, but what these people are doing is definitely not one of them.

It almost feels like they are challenging me.

Wait.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Alright, then, motherfuckers.

Challenge accepted.