Florida Man's General Store in Cultivation World



Chapter 92 – Florida Man French-Kisses 100 Wild Horses and Brings Them Home

After coming to terms with the unicorn, Leo named the pony.

"From now on, your name will be Fake Taxi!"

"Smash!"

The horse smiled even though it didn't understand what Taxi meant. As for Wu Buyi and Gao Yan, they no longer paid attention to Leo and the unicorn.

After getting a weird pet, Leo looked at white horsey. He wondered what he should feed it.

"Say, Taxi. What do you usually eat? Carrots? Apples? Grass?"

"Smash!!"

As if Taxi understood Leo, it looked at the mutated plants and immortal grass nearby. It lowered its head and showed Leo how to eat them.

Seeing that Taxi could eat grass, Leo was relieved. He patted its head and hopped off its back.

"Alright. I'm gonna go back to work. If you want to follow me home, stay here and guard those two. I know you're strong. Can you do it?"

"Smash?"

Leo frowned as he couldn't understand Taxi's smash language. It was different from Cat, whose meowing voice had a distinctive sound frequency, and it was easier to decipher. Moreover, Cat's air was similar to Leo's when he was a weak mutant as she grew up eating his radiation since birth.

"Do I have to waste my YOL for your damn smash language skill?" He complained and shook his head.

Not bothering with Taxi, Leo resumed his work. He leaped forward, traveling one kilometer in one leap. Upon landing, he turned around and lightly jogged back. A hundred afterimages of Leo were left behind as he moved in a zigzag. Every time he turned, he caught a wandering cockatrice or a venomous snake.

10 seconds later, Leo returned to the camp. Then, he dropped 30 cockatrice corpses and 70 fat snakes in front of Taxi. Then, he leaped back into the jungle.

"…"

Taxi looked at the dead cockatrices and snakes. Its eyes gleamed as if it got inspiration from Leo's actions. It raised its head and started neighing out loud. Moreover, it screamed.

"SMAAAAASSSSH!!"

.

.

RUMBLE

"Hmm?"

Yan Xiang and his entourage arrived at the pyramid. However, none of them had the courage to get inside the structure as the mushrooms and the fog below were the bane of their existence.

The emperor recognized these mushrooms. He waved his hand, pointing everybody to stay away from the area.

"Sweet Dream Mushrooms. We can't go inside. Withdraw."

One of their bodyguards circulated his Qi into his eyes to see through the pink fog. Then, he noticed that a team of cultivators was already on the ground. However, they acted weird as their arms, fingers, and back curled while their heads uncontrollably twitched. 

"Y-Your Majesty. I think Situ Clan's people are below…"

Yan Xiang shook his head, "It's too late to save them. Don't breathe in the fog if you don't want to be like them. They're no longer humans."

"W-What are they, your majesty?"

"Jiangshi."

"…"

Hearing the keyword, the bodyguards closed their mouths as they understood everything. They quietly followed their emperor north, heading back to the portal.

This season's expedition was too dangerous. As the risk was too high, it was better to remain near the exit and cultivate the local element Qi.

The group looked around, imprinting the scenery to their mind so that they would have a story to tell their peers that couldn't join them. The emperor also scanned the surroundings, hoping to find hidden treasures that others overlooked.

While everybody took their time, far south of the pyramid, a thousand birds suddenly flew up and caused a commotion. Then, a strange sound wave echoed, and Yan Xiang's company could clearly hear them.

SMAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!

SMAAASSSSHHHH

SMAASHH

SMASH

SM…

"…"

The warcry of a certain horse made 15 of the bodyguards flinch. Their Qi stopped responding to their commands, and they could no longer maintain the altitude. Slowly, they glided toward the ground.

"Dammit! That's a male unicorn's summoning cry. There are Thunder Unicorns in this realm! Take the regeneration pill and cover your ears! Their voices are harmful to cultivators!"

Hearing that the unicorn's voice was harmful to cultivators, the bodyguards gulped. Still, four of them seemed fine, and they could still circulate their Qi normally.

"Wait, how are they fine?" An injured bodyguard looked at their colleague in the sky.

Yan Xiang wryly smiled and explained, "They're virgins. Virgin men and women are naturally immune to unicorns' thunder warcry. Rather, I think those guys will benefit from the voice."

"W-What?"

Everybody raised their eyebrows and looked at their virgin friends. The four elderly men in the sky gave them a weird look while they purposely descended to match their colleagues' flight altitude. Upon getting close, the injured cultivators noticed that the four men were cladded in electric statics.

"Isn't that lightning element Qi?"

Yan Xiang looked back while he digested the regeneration pill in his stomach. He looked at the four bodyguards and nodded in approval.

"Yes. Those are lightning element Qi. If they manage to master it, they won't be afraid of the future heavenly tribulation lightning."

"…Wow."

The bodyguards looked at their friends in envy. At the same time, they mocked the lucky elders.

"Yeah, it's good to be virgins, huh? Too bad, you get no bitches."

The four celibates sneered at their colleagues, "We have virgin yang, but you don't. We have the potential to become immortals, but not you. If you lose your virgin yang, your cultivation path is stuck in the mortal realm. Well, sucks to be you."

"You really…"

The group laughed while the emperor shook his head. The group slowly recovered, and they managed to get back their abilities.

RUMBLE

After the warcry, dust and brown mist appeared everywhere as something big was moving toward the source of the noise. Their destination was the south of the pyramid.

"Your majesty, should we check that?" One of the bodyguards pointed at the dust that a hundred unicorns kicked up.

"No. Leave them be. All unicorns are born as 7th-stage monsters. Adult ones are 9th stage. We're not equipped to hunt thunder unicorns."

Everybody sighed in pity. They looked away from the unicorns and headed back to the portal.

.

.

BOOM

"SMASH!"

BOOM-BOOM

"SMASH!!"

A hundred three-meter-tall white ponies bit off cockatrices' heads and stomped on small creatures as they ran. Lightning bolts were shot out from their horns, shooting down flying creatures and insects in the area. The stampede knocked down trees and plants along the way and their paths were paved with blood and corpses of other animals.

By the time Leo returned with 50 chickens, three unicorns of the same size as Fake Taxi were already in front of their friend. They neighed as if they were chatting.

"Hmm?"

Leo raised his eyebrows when he discovered that Taxi multiplied into four. He was amused.

"I just got a random zap from nowhere, and you multiplied like an amoeba? Wut da hail is goin' on here?"

The four horses looked at Leo in unison. The newcomer noticed Leo's aura and jumped in joy. Like the predecessor, they rushed toward him and sniffed his armpits and his mouth. Then, they licked his face and his ears.

Being violated by three unicorns, Leo was annoyed.

"Oi, Taxi. Care to explain?"

Taxi widely grinned.

"Smash <3"

"Don't you heart-emoticon me? What's with your friends over here?"

"Smash!"

"…"

Unable to understand the unicorn, Leo facepalmed. He then looked at the ponies, who seemed to be immune to his radiation.

"Fine. Bring over your friends, but I ain't gonna feed everybody. Find your own meal, but you can't eat my underlings."

"… Smash."

The four horses glanced at Wu Buyi and Gao Yan. One of them approached the latter. As soon as it was one meter apart, the curious unicorn sniffed Gao Yan's face.

Gao Yan slowly opened his eyes as he felt a bit better after getting Wu Buyi's help. However, his first sight was the big face and the scary teeth of a massive white horse.

"#$%@!"

Like a human being, Gao Yan shrieked as he got jump-scared. He stood up and took several steps away.

Unfortunately, the pony chased after Gao Yan. Then, it snorted at his face and licked his mouth.

"…"

Leo watched it happen. He laughed at Gao Yan.

"Congratulations. You've been kissed by a pervert pony. If that is your first kiss, then my condolence. Welcome to the maidenless club, tarnished warrior."

RUMBLE

It was too soon for them to rejoice. A few seconds later, more unicorns showed up and surrounded the group.

Leo, Wu Buyi, and Gao Yan silently looked at the crowd of massive unicorns. Their expressions were blank.

"Smash <3"

"Smash <3"

"SMASH!!"

The obnoxious unicorns began chatting, using their native tongue. Nobody could tell what they were scheming or partying about.

RUMBLE

Soon, the portal was surrounded by a hundred giant unicorns. They all stared at Leo with sparkling eyes.

"Oh, my lord. There's more," Leo started praying to Jesus. He now understood how a certain tiktoker felt when he was ambushed by a kitten army in the wild.

Taxi walked toward Leo. Then, it whispered.

"Smash?"

Again, Leo had no idea what Taxi wanted. He patted its head and deeply sighed.

"I haven't built a barn or a stable for you yet, but I'll do so later. For now, protect my two employees, okay? After everything is over, you can do whatever you want. If you want to follow me to my world, fine. If you want to stay, that's good too. If you want to be my tour guide, I'd be happy to take the offer. So, what do you want to do?"

"SMASH XD"

"Don't' XD me, you damn donkey!"

Leo gave up on the horses.

While Leo was at a loss, Taxi looked at its friends and the large portal. Then, it took the lead.

"SMASH!!"

The other 99 unicorns neighed in unison. Then, they charged into the portal. Only Taxi remained behind.

"What the hell?"

Wu Buyi, Gao Yan, and Leo had no idea what they had just done. These mythical creatures just crossed the portals to their home world for no reason.

Taxi smiled at Leo. Then, it crouched, inviting Leo to saddle it.

"Smash <3"

"…"

Wu Buyi and Gao Yan looked at Leo in admiration. Judging from Taxi's reaction, Leo had just tamed 100 9th-grade thunder unicorns and brought them to his store.

Teasing Leo, Wu Buyi laughed, "Just smash it, my lord."

"Smash your ass, damn baldy!"

"Hehehehe!"

Leo had a headache. He just wanted to stockpile new food and new alchemy ingredients. However, he accidentally tamed 100 unicorns without even trying, and they invaded his store domain.

He wondered if he should return to manage things or if he should focus on the quests first.

Worrying about his store, Leo walked toward the portal, planning to check the newcomers. However, the system warned him.

<Warning, returning home will abandon the missions. You will not get rewards, and the missions will be canceled.>

It was not easy after all. If Leo wanted the mysterious rewards from the system, he had to stay and completed the two missions. Without a choice, Leo deeply sighed and got on the horse's back.

"Fine. Now, Taxi. Bring me to Rabbit Trent King. I need to get this over with."

Taxi neighed and stood up. It turned east. Then, it charged toward the tall pagoda at a distance.

.

Seeing that Leo had left them to explore the mystic realm, Wu Buyi and Gao Yan gazed at them in envy. They wished that they were strong enough to withstand the local wood element essence's pressure.

"One day, I'll be like him – Live free and unfettered!"

Wu Buyi rolled his eyes, "Before that, reach the nascent soul stage first, and you can daydream about that. Golden Core cultivators can't do anything here. You need to reach my stage to contribute something to the sect or contest against other cultivators. If better, be an immortal like Lord Florida Man!"

"I'll try my best, master!"

Gao Yan was motivated. He closed his eyes and resumed cultivating.