Florida Man's General Store in Cultivation World



Chapter 157 – Local Prince Filed Lawsuit against Florida Man as the Guinness Book World Record's Longest Turd Exploded on His Face

Leo and Esen returned to the abandoned courtyard. When they arrived, they noticed that the yard was a lot cleaner.

Xu Nuan and Yao Qiqi were in the middle of spraying water everywhere. They summoned water with their Qi and washed away the dirt.

Gao Yan also used his wood Qi, commanding small plants and trees to use their leaves as brooms. The trees bent down and scrubbed the floor while it was soaked by Xu Nuan and Yao Qiqi's water Qi.

Tiger Swordsman worked as an incinerator. He created several small fireballs to burn the collected junk and piles of wet leaves. Once they turned into ash, he threw them to the trees, using them as fertilizer.

As for the two girls, they climbed into the resident building to repair the roof tiles. Ricardo and Taxi also helped patch the walls so that the wind wouldn't leak inside.

Meanwhile, Cat did nothing. She sat in the middle of the courtyard, playing with the water. Her cloak and temporary clothes were already wet. In addition, she already emptied the mutated grain pills in the pot.

Looking at what everybody had been doing, Esen nodded in approval.

"Your people are hard working. You need to reward them, geezer."

"I know. That's why I'll cook the best food for them. Also, I should mutate the blood wine earlier."

"Save that until the food is ready! Good wines require good side dishes!"

"…You're right. But wait a minute. I didn't know you can drink."

"Now, you know."

"…"

Esen hovered over the flooded ground as she didn't want to get wet. As for Leo, he took off his socks and leather shoes. After pulling his pant cuffs up to his knee, he walked toward the crowd.

"I'll be preparing our private banquet party. If you need anything, come find me in the kitchen, okay?"

Xu Nuan, Gao Yan, and the girls were delighted as they looked forward to the party. Tiger Swordsman, on the other hand, felt that it was somewhat unnecessary as they rarely ate solid food. However, he couldn't refuse wine and liquor.

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Leo entered the dirty kitchen. Although everybody had briefly cleaned this place, dark spots and moldy walls still smelled rotten.

Looking at the dark and moldy place, Leo was annoyed. He ejected modern cooking utensils, such as pots, electric stoves, BBQ grilling sets, pans, and a cauldron to cook. He also pulled out several cubes of sacred wood to use as temporary tables for cooking as the kitchen was too dirty.

As the electric stoves had already been upgraded, Leo put them on the sacred wood cubes and turned them on. He arranged pots and a pan for each stove. Then, he opened his online system shop to purchase some cooking oil and garnish.

Unfortunately, the garnish was too expensive. Leo saw the price and changed his mind. He only purchased some cooking oil, spices, salt, BBQ sauce, butter, cheese, and sugar.

'Alright. I have a bunch of beef. I should start with steak. I'll make the normal ones first. Then, I'll cook a mutated version for myself.'

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The group kept cleaning the courtyard until the sun went down. When the sky turned dark, Tiger Swordsman summoned a fireball to illuminate the place for others.

Everybody stopped working as they did the best they could. Although the courtyard was sparkling clean, the interior of the residents needed improvement as they couldn't get rid of rotten wood and half-broken pillars.

ZIIIIIII

The sizzling sound and the pleasant smell of freshly cooked meat came from the kitchen. All cultivators and beasts turned their heads, looking at the source.

Cat salivated. She screamed.

"NOM-NOM MEOW?!"

Xu Nuan gulped. She had never smelled something this pleasant before. Even though she had already taken a grain pill, her stomach yearned for the mysterious food.

Gao Yan and Tiger Swordsman were the same. They thought that they had already seen all the good commoner food in the city, but they had never smelled something this seductive. They drooled.

"S-Smash…"

Taxi, on the other hand, shook his head. As a vegetarian, he disliked the odor. As for Ricardo, he sneered at Taxi as he had become an omnivore species due to Esen's power.

"Smash?"

Taxi was enraged. He neighed at Ricardo and chased after him. As for the brown guy, he laughed and dodged Taxi's headbutt attacks with ease.

30 minutes later, Leo brought out the finished dishes. He also called Gao Yan and others to help him arrange the new tables and chairs for everybody.

Gao Yan and Tiger Swordsman rushed to Leo's aid. When they entered the kitchen and saw the food, they drooled a waterfall.

"NOM-NOM MEOW?!"

Cat also screamed. Fortunately, Esen had been holding the rein, pulling Cat from going berserk.

The men brought the food to serve everybody. As furniture in Leo's online shopping system was cheap, Leo bought a set of long kitchen tables and chairs for everybody. Each got their chopsticks and utensils for food.

The appetizer was baked sweet potatoes and tenderloin steaks with butter and supermarket BBQ sauce. Although Leo's cooking skill was far from chefs or Gordon Ramsey, the food's appearance and smell were enough to stir any stoic vegans or pill eaters here.

After putting all the dishes down, Leo distributed wine to all adults. As for Gao Yan and the girls, they only received orange juice. Esen and Leo, on the other hand, allocated their blood wine.

The small BBQ party started.

"Let's eat!" Leo encouraged everybody.

Xu Nuan stared at the food for a long time. She shook her head and averted her eyes as she tried to resist the temptation. But in the end, her human instinct won.

Tiger Swordsman also broke his fasting. He devoured the steaks like a starving man seeing food for the first time. As for Cat, she already finished everything on her plate and waved her dishes around, asking for the second serving.

Leo laughed and enjoyed his food while he continued cooking.

The small banquet lasted until midnight as all cultivators couldn't stop eating. As their digestive system was enhanced by their Qi and high cultivation base, their stomach dissolved the food and demanded more of it.

In the end, Leo only managed to eat half of what everybody had eaten as he was the only cook. Still, he loved the party as it reminded him of the good time he had on Earth.

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While Leo and his people had fun, the night banquet at the throne room was awkward.

Yan Luo, Yan Xiang, and the court officials looked at the staled chickens on their plates and the dull wine, which their servants got them from the outer city district.

A dozen eunuchs couldn't stop sweating. As the storehouse was empty, they scavenged every shop in the outer city district to procure the best wine and fresh food ingredients. Unfortunately, most food ingredients at night were stale and old because the shops had put them on display for the entire day.

As a result, the food was of low quality. Some of them had a funny smell, which ruined their appetite.

Yan Xiang stopped eating and drinking after the roasted duck on the plate emitted a foul smell. He stood up and cupped his fist.

"We are deeply sorry, my subjects. It seems that there's an issue with the palace's granary. We shall head back and rest for the day. You may continue the banquet until morning."

"…"

The crowd didn't utter a word. Even though the food was not up to their standard, not all cultivators here touched them. After all, they always used grain pills to fill their stomach. They only remained there to enjoy the wine.

Unfortunately, the wine came from the town. They lacked the rich and deep taste of spirit yeast and Qi from a master brewer. In the end, they lost their appetite.

One by one, they excused themselves and returned home. Yan Luo also went back to his pagoda to take a short rest so that he would be in peak condition tomorrow.

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Yan Luo arrived at his personal pagoda. Upon arrival, he took off his robes and tossed the clothes at the maids. Then, he walked up the stairs to the top floor.

Every floor of Yan Luo's pagoda emitted strong waves of earth and wood Qi. While walking, Yan Luo absorbed the Qi by inhaling it into his stomach. However, by doing so, his body got heavier.

The higher Yan Luo climbed, the stronger the suppressive Qi. Yan Luo began sweating as he felt like his weight was already 10 times heavier than usual. His knees started to give in.

Resisting the increasing weight, Yan Luo circulated his Qi. After doing so, he felt a bit better.

Climbing stairs was a form of training for Yan Luo. He ignored the physical exhaustion and kept on walking.

Upon arriving at the top floor, the suppression force was gone. Yan Luo deeply inhaled as he expected some fresh air from the high ground.

Unfortunately, he swallowed a mouthful of foul air into his lungs.

He smelled a strong scent of human feces.

Yan Luo frowned and looked around. Then, he noticed that his belongings and shelves were ransacked. Moreover, the stone bed, which he had been using as a cultivation spot, was misplaced.

"What the hell happened here?! Why am I smelling shit?!"

The first prince rushed to his bed as he was worried about his secret wine. They were made from 9th-stage monster's blood, rare herbs, and 1,000-year-old spirit yeast. He had been saving them until the wine matured. Then, he would use them as a cultivation resource.

But they were gone.

"…"

Moreover, on top of the bed, an extremely long turd, which coiled like a sleeping snake. It was beautifully and disgustingly glossy and smooth to the point that Yan Luo was speechless.

In anger, Yan Luo bellowed.

"WHO DID THIS?! WHO THE HELL RUINED MY BEDROOM?! COME OUT!!!"

For an hour, Yan Luo lost it. He kept screaming and cursing the culprit.

After yelling enough, Yan Luo regained his composure. He stared at the black dung and thought of an unpleasant old man, whom he met earlier today.

"Was it you, Florida Man?!"

Infuriated, Yan Luo imagined a thousand ways to kill Leo and his people. While he was at it, the prince summoned his dao avatar and unleashed a powerful energy strike at his bed.

BOOM

The bed exploded.

The turd also exploded.

But because the turd exploded, it scattered everywhere. Some of it got stuck on Yan Luo's face and body while the rest splashed on the walls and ceiling.

"…"

Yan Luo's face got even redder. He realized his stupidity, and he blamed everything on Leo.

"FLORIDA MAN!! TOMORROW, I'LL KILL YOU!!"