pear she

Jian Li's brain was blank, she just stayed on the seat, her whole body felt numb, she didn't dare to breathe, she just froze there with her eyes open.

The sound of the rain outside could not reach her ears at all, Yan Jinbai was not looking at her, she nodded and gently touched her mouth with her index finger, which was also her first kiss.

Shyness, ecstasy, panic, dizziness, mania, and excitement. Complex emotions rushed to his face, accompanied by a faint smile, so sweet.

As if sensing Yan Jinbai's indulgence and favoritism, the villain in her heart kicked a hole out of the thick wall, and the warm light came in.

Slightly exhaled, and said with a blank face, "I never thought it would be the first time for Dr. Yan."

I was severely blocked in my heart, "I originally wanted to leave it to the most precious person." Yan Jinbai couldn't see any emotion in his eyes, but he was not angry either.

Still not sure who the person in Yan Jinbai's heart is, let alone believe that person is himself.

Sometimes I don't know where the courage came from, but I just kissed him like that just now, and after regaining her senses, Jian Li felt a little shy again, "I'm sorry."

Yan Jinbai was so blocked that she couldn't speak, and there was a long silence between the two of them for a long time, bravery and cowardice, contradictory fusion on her mountain, as if one was her and the other was not her.

"I'm not angry." Yan Jinbai looked at her. The police station was right in front of him. He stopped the car and took his hands off the steering wheel. "Apologizing at the beginning means daring to do something? Do you want to sneak a kiss and run away?"

"No." Jian Li's heart seemed to be exploding. She wanted to like her, but she had to restrain herself. Two forces were constantly struggling in her mind. I was afraid that I couldn't do it well. Too many shortcomings, you will not like me, I am really bad, really bad.
How long is the shelf life of feelings?My love is for the rest of my life, what about Dr. Yan?
"Believe in yourself." Yan Jinbai unbuckled her seat belt, staring at her evasive eyes, "Your eyes say that you like it, and you don't want to leave, but what are you afraid of?"

Jian Li shook her head, many things erupted in her heart, she liked it, but she was afraid.

Feelings are a scourge to her, she dare not touch them, for fear that such a beautiful thing will turn gray in her hands.

Her heartbeat was fast, and she could hear her own heartbeat in the silence. She closed her eyes tightly, "It may be because of some things I have experienced since childhood, which made me afraid to face my feelings."

Yan Jinbai smiled faintly, and the hair on her head rose slightly. I don't know if it was because of fear or something else, he gently patted her with a few fingers, "A lot of times, we don't care about the world, The understanding of things and feelings comes from the people around us, the books we have read, or the things we have encountered. Those deeply imprinted in our memory change our thinking and the way we treat people, and sometimes it seems to give us Many shackles locked us in a small world."

Jian Li's eyelids are very thin, and her eyelashes are long, trembling slightly in front of his eyes, her hands are still tightly holding her bag, as if she is fighting against herself.

"The reason why we are stuck in it is because sometimes we agree too much. Most people are the same, not very special, willing to walk the well-behaved way, and dare not even dream." Yan Jinbai Leaning on the back of the car seat, she took a deep breath, "But each of us is different, we have strengths and things we are not good at, Jian Li, sometimes you need to believe in yourself, you are different, and you are different from those around you. Those people who are not the same, and will not become them."

The teeth are clenched tightly in the mouth. I have read these principles countless times. I know it is correct and I can figure it out, but I can’t do it. Everyone will encounter some things in the process of growing up, and set up overlapping for themselves. Overlapping obstacles, invisible and intangible.

She will never forget how she grew up, without her parents, alone by her grandfather's side, and other children would happily run over and jump on their parents when they saw their parents coming back.

She wasn't. During the holidays between her parents, she always sat in the room and waited alone. Looking at her parents' faces, she felt strange and familiar, and called her parents coldly.

They never gave Jian Li a hug, nor did they say anything to Jian Li, they only cared about how she did in her exams and studies every semester.

When I was a little older, I was accepted by them. I thought that I would slowly develop feelings like other classmates, relying on my parents to tell them everything.

But my parents quarreled until midnight every day, and occasionally did it.

From the first night with my parents, I didn't sleep well. I was always woken up by all kinds of emotional words, and I was always woken up by the sound of various pots and pans smashing on the ground.

Every time she wanted to persuade her to fight, her parents always had a "None of your business" on their faces and yelled at her to go to bed.

"You take care of yourself, study hard, and you don't have to worry about adults' affairs."

"What are you doing out, you go in and sleep."

She held her father's hand with her little hand, and said to him with anticipation in her eyes, "Don't hit mom, she will hurt, can you be gentle when you talk?"

But Dad lifted her hand away, and she staggered back a few steps. The coldness on Dad's face made him feel strange, "What do you know, it's your mother who is making trouble for no reason, take care of yourself, don't care about your affairs .”

If this doesn't make sense, let's talk about that. While her father was away, she clumsily peeled an apple for her mother, and handed it to her mother's mouth. The mother smiled faintly and took a bite, "My daughter has grown up."

"Mom, don't quarrel with Dad in the future, okay? As long as you don't growl when you are angry and talk, Dad won't quarrel." With a sweet tone, I tried to act like a baby for the first time.

"Bang!"

"Snapped!"

The apple was smashed into the ashtray, and even the ashtray fell to the ground, "Why don't you tell your father these things, is it because he is unreasonable every time or I am just looking for trouble." He rolled up his sleeves Standing up, pointing to the bruise on it, "Look, it's all my fault, is it my fault?"

Jian Li was frightened by such bruises, and it is still shocking to recall it now. Many people said that Mom and Dad used to love each other very much. How could their relationship become like this?
When I grow up slowly, I realize that feelings have a shelf life, which is very short.

"Ding dong!" The text message rang, and Jian Li saw what He Lian sent: Your dad is coming back on weekends, so you must remember to go home.

When she was a child, she held the heart of "Plop" and "Plop" in her hands, and when she asked them to see it, they not only didn't look at it, but also stepped on it under their feet. She grew up stumblingly alone, but her parents wanted to see it Her heart, and she had already taken it back into her body, was covered with an indestructible city wall, so they couldn't see it, let alone cover it.

It's unfair to meet Yan Jinbai with those coldness, make him work hard, let him be like myself.

PS: Dr. Yan's Weibo: Jian Li who just stayed there.